A Grail?
by Jason Ulloa
Summary: A Sailor MoonMonty Python and the Holy Grail crossover? No, this isn't a joke! The Sailor Senshi and King Arthur go grail hunting in this crossoverparody... thingy.
1. Foreword and Prologue

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
  
Foreword  
  
I know what you're thinking. Sailor Moon and Monty Python, of all things?!? Kami-sama, this guy must be off his   
rocker! Sailor Moon's a shoujo, magical-girl anime from Japan; Monty Python's a comedy troupe from England (funny as hell,   
I might add). Two different genres from two different countries. Not much in common, right?  
Except, of course, for a grail.  
The Holy Grail, to be exact.  
In this story, Monty Python and the Holy Grail is going to be told again, but this time, the cast of   
Takeuchi-sensei's Sailor Moon is going to be coming along for the ride... err, search.  
If you haven't seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I feel sorry for you, you poor soul. You don't know what   
you're missing. What're you waiting for?!? Get off the computer, go to whichever video store you have a membership with,   
and rent the bloody thing!  
  
Are you still here? GO! GO, NOW!!!  
Don't worry; this fic will still be here when you get back.  
  
[Twiddles thumbs]  
  
Well? Did you go see it? Anyway, whether you did or didn't, let's continue....  
  
Oh, and one more thing. This is a crossover/parody... thingy, thus:  
  
- The normal rules of fanfiction writing do not apply here.  
- The normal rules of the English language do not apply here.  
- The normal rules of the Japanese language do not apply here.  
- Normal usage of the first-person, second-person, third-person, third-person omniscient, know-it-all-smarty-pants,   
or any other form of POV does not apply here.  
- Sanity - or making any kind of sense, for that matter - whether lacking or in abundance, does not apply here.  
- IC, OOC, WAFF, PWP, C&C, NCAA, ASAP, R&B, PB&J, M&M, CNN, ABC, NBC, AT&T, WWF, WCW, NBA, NFL, NHL, USN, USAF,   
USMC, C.O.D., S.O.B., T.N.T., BINGO, EIEIO, and anything else you can find in a bowl of Alpha-Bits or alphabet soup does   
not apply here.  
- The actual airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow, whether African or European, does not apply here.  
- Anything that may apply here... does not apply here.  
- The only rules are those I make up along the way. I control the horizontal. I control the vertical. I control   
the remote control. As lord and master over this work of fanfiction, I reign supreme!!!  
  
[Lightning flashes and thunder roars in the distance] AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!  
  
Ahem.... At any rate, now that we have an understanding - I think - it's time to get this... thingy... started.  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
amazing dust bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Prologue  
  
{It is sometime in the afternoon as Ryoku walks toward the Hikawa Jinja... uh, Temple... or, was the translation Shrine?   
At any rate, he was going there to meet with the rest of the girls and the cats. The why isn't important. Just go along   
with it, okay? I don't really need to explain every little detail, do I? [A crumpled piece of paper thwacks narrator in   
the head] OW! Hey, who threw that? [Opens paper and reads] 'Yes, you do need to explain everything, *baka. And please   
remember to add little stars to the beginning of the Japanese words you use and place the translations underneath the   
paragraph. **Karei ga kono bun o tsukatte kudasai.' [Narrator blinks and sighs to himself] Some readers can be so   
temperamental at times....}  
*Stupid  
**Please use this sentence as a good example.  
  
Ryoku:   
[Thinking idly to himself] 'Mako-chan should be there already. After all, she said she'd meet me there after I   
took care of that errand I had to run.'  
  
{A few moments later, he reaches the steps leading to the Shinto shrine. He climbs the steps quickly, taking two at a   
time. As he reaches the top, he spots Rei's grandfather trying, once again, to convince a couple of girls to become   
priestesses at his temple... and failing.}  
  
Ryoku:   
[Shakes his head] There's something to be said for persistence.... I wonder if it comes naturally for old folks?  
  
Grandpa:   
[Notices Ryoku and hurries over to him, grinning broadly] Hello there, young lady! How would you like to come   
work at my shrine?  
  
Ryoku:   
[Grimaces and starts talking patiently] Grandpa... when was the last time you had your eyes checked?  
  
Grandpa:   
[Thinks] Hmm... it was sometime last August, I believe.... [Pauses] You have quite a masculine voice, you know.  
  
Ryoku:   
[Facefaults] I'm not a girl!  
  
Grandpa:   
[Frowns] You could've fooled me.  
  
Ryoku:   
[Sighs] Just get your eyes checked again. [To himself as he starts to leave] Idiot.  
  
Grandpa:  
[Darkly from behind] What was that?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Sweatdrops and grins back sheepishly] Ehehehe.... I'll... just go and meet up with everyone now.... [Quickly   
retreats]  
  
{Ryoku enters the room where Rei usually performs her fire readings. Usagi, Ami, Makoto and Minako are all seated in a   
row behind her while Luna and Artemis are sitting beside their respective charges. As one, the girls and cats all turn   
to watch him enter the room.}  
  
Rei:  
[Flatly] So, what kept you?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Indifferently as he takes a seat between Ami and Minako] I had business to take care of.  
  
Rei:  
[Skeptical] Oh? Really? What kind of business?  
  
Makoto:  
[While smirking impishly at Ryoku] He wanted to get back at Haruka-san for whipping him at that racing game...   
again.  
  
Ryoku:  
[While grimacing indignantly] Sh-shut up! That wasn't it at all!!!  
  
{Everyone is starting to give Ryoku amused grins while he tries to save face}  
  
Makoto:  
[Still smirking] The poor guy was so upset after getting beaten five times in a row....  
  
Ryoku:  
[Even more embarrassed] Shut up!!!  
  
Minako:  
[While patting Ryoku on the shoulder consolingly] Don't take it so hard, Ryo-kun. I mean, she is good....  
  
Makoto:  
She gave him a two-lap headstart each time. And she still managed to lap him every time.  
  
Minako:  
[Blinks] Woah. Even I'm not that bad.  
  
Usagi:  
[Blinks and nods] Yeah. Even I'm better than that.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Deadpan] Some consolation you two are.  
  
Rei:  
[Tiredly] If you are all finished discussing Ryo-kun's humiliating defeat-  
  
Ryoku:  
[Indignantly] HEY!!!  
  
Rei:  
[Ignoring him] -then can we get on with this? I'd like to do this reading before the end of the day.  
  
Luna:  
[Sighs] Please go ahead, Rei-chan. I'm sure they're finished.  
  
Ryoku:  
I know I'd like to get on with it.  
  
Makoto:  
[Knowingly] Only because....  
  
Ryoku:  
[Warningly] Don't go there, Mako-chan!  
  
Rei:  
[Turning toward the flame] At any rate.... [Chanting while moving her hands in various positions in front of   
the fire and concentrating] Rin... pyou... tou... sha... kai... jin... retsu... sai... zen!  
  
{On the last word, the fire roars as if it's alive. Everyone present gasps as they see the image of a young man typing   
away at a laptop inside the flame. The young man is apparently in his early twenties with short unruly brown hair and   
wears glasses. At the moment, he seems unaware of the others watching him until they gasp.}  
  
Young man:  
[Jumps back in surprise as soon as he turns toward the others, and starts speaking in English] Holy...! What the   
hell...? How in the hell did you get in my shop?!?  
  
Usagi:  
[To Minako, Ami, and Ryoku] Can any of you understand what he's saying?  
  
Ami:  
[Frowning in concentration] A little.... Something about being holy...?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Also frowning in concentration] I think he said something about being in hell....  
  
Minako:  
[Also frowning in concentration, but blinking uncertainly] ...and shopping?  
  
Young man:  
One moment. [Starts typing away at laptop for a second] There. You should be able to understand me now.  
  
Ami:  
He's speaking Japanese now!  
  
Young man:  
Not really. I'm still speaking English and you're all still speaking Japanese, but I just set things up so that   
you can understand what I'm saying and vice versa.  
  
Artemis:  
[blinking uncertainly] You... set things up? What are you talking about?  
  
Rei:  
[Frowning warily] Who are you anyway? And what are you doing in the sacred flame? You're definitely not a fire kami.  
  
Young man:  
[Laughs] Of course I'm not a fire kami. I'm the author of this fanfic, Jason.  
  
All:  
....  
  
Usagi:  
Um, Rei-chan, how in the world did you contact a fanfiction author?  
  
Rei:  
[Shrugs] How should I know?!?  
  
Usagi:  
Aren't you supposed to be able to contact fire kami with that flame... or something? [Frowns] Is it broken?  
  
Rei:  
[Crossly] Don't be stupid. Fires don't break down or anything like that.  
  
Makoto:  
Is it that time of the month, Rei-chan?  
  
All:  
[Sweatdrops while Ryoku and Jason facefault] What?!?  
  
Rei:  
[Indignantly while blushing] No, it's not! What gave you that stupid idea?!?  
  
Makoto:  
Well, isn't it true that priestesses lose their abilities during that time of the month?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Sweatdrops in chagrin] That was Slayers, Mako-chan. Wrong anime.  
  
Makoto:  
[Blushes in embarrassment] Oh. Never mind.  
  
Minako:  
Rei-chan, could it be because your hands were moving as if you were playing cat's cradle instead of the usual   
hand positions?  
  
Rei:  
[Flustered] I-I was doing no such thing!  
  
Minako:  
[Pointing] Then, what's that in your lap?  
  
Rei:  
[Grabbing the cat's cradle string and tucking it underneath her robes] Nothing.  
  
Jason:  
[While smirking] This is all fun and everything, but I'm still trying to figure out why I'm standing in the   
middle of this fire and not in my shop. I've got a lot of work to do, you know. My fics won't write themselves.  
  
Ami:  
We were trying to find out about the Holy Grail.  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks] Wasn't it destroyed near the end of the S season?  
  
Usagi:  
[Nods] Well, yeah, but that was only in the anime. The Holy Grail wasn't destroyed in the manga.  
  
Luna:  
[Dryly] Usagi-chan, you're breaking character. We're not supposed to know about the manga, anime, or even the   
fact that we're really in a work of fanfiction written by the very person we're speaking with!  
  
Usagi:  
[Shrugs] So? Didn't you read the Foreword?  
  
Luna:  
[Blinks] Oh.... Never mind, then. Please continue.  
  
Usagi:  
[Stares at the reader] How about you? Did you read the Foreword, or did you just skip right to the story? [Gets   
up and starts moving her arms and hands in the familiar ridiculous Sailor Moon poses she does in the anime] I can't   
stand people who skim through a writer's notes! The authors who write them are trying their hardest to explain things   
they write to the people who read them. To ignore that small act of kindness which they took the time to write is   
unforgivable! On behalf of the Moon....  
  
Luna:  
Now, you're pushing it, Usagi-chan.  
  
Usagi:  
Oops. [Bows] Sorry. Force of habit. [Sits back down]  
  
Makoto:  
[Deadpan] Can we continue?  
  
Usagi/Luna:  
Please do.  
  
Makoto:  
At any rate, we all figured that since Rei-chan had that vision at the beginning of the season, then she might   
be able to find out about the manga version of the Holy Grail.  
  
Jason:  
You won't be able to use the manga version of the Holy Grail.  
  
All:  
What?!?  
  
Ami:  
Why is that, Jason-san?  
  
Jason:  
You see, the anime universe and the manga universe run in parallel. Occasionally, an element will cross both   
universes like a line that intersects two parallel planes. For those of you that aren't geometrically-inclined, think   
of it as a staircase in a two-story house. Both floors have a place where the floor meets with the staircase, but that   
doesn't necessarily mean that both floors are identical.  
  
All except for Ami and Ryoku:  
[Boggling] Eh?  
  
Ami:  
[Nods] So, what does this have to do with us in the anime universe not being able to use the manga Holy Grail?  
  
Jason:  
Going back to the staircase example, you don't use the staircase in the exact same way in order to move between   
floors, do you? In a two-story house where there are no floors above the second and there is no basement, you can only   
go up from the first floor and down from the second floor. You can't go up from the second floor, can you? The same   
thing applies when using objects from parallel universes. They don't function in the exact same way that the same   
object in your universe functions. No matter how close it may seem, there is always a slight difference and that   
slight difference is enough to keep you from using it.  
  
Minako:  
So, if what you're saying is true, then is there any other Holy Grails that we can use?  
  
Jason:  
The only way that you could use it is if your universe was an intermediary universe, otherwise known as an amalgam   
universe. However, this universe is more commonly referred to as the fanfiction universe.  
  
Artemis:  
Fanfiction universe?  
  
Jason:  
Yes. The fanfiction universe is infinitely malleable. It is a universe of possibilities. Infinite possibilities.   
Depending upon the infinite choices and decisions and possibilities that have occurred over time, there are an untold   
number of reflections in the fanfiction universe that those who have the ability can visit. Those of us who are inclined   
toward writing occasionally write of our visits. Thus comes the term, fanfiction.  
  
Luna:  
Wait. The... ability? Are you saying that you have the ability to visit these... reflections... of the fanfiction   
universe?  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] And I write about my visits, yes. In fact, you all just caught me as I was finishing the fic on my last   
visit. [Turns back to his laptop and hits a few keys] There. Done.  
  
Ryoku:  
If I understand you correctly, then there is no way that we can find another Holy Grail?  
  
Jason:  
I didn't say that.  
  
Ryoku:  
[As he folds his arms impatiently] Then, what are you saying, Jason-kun?  
  
Jason:  
I can help you in your search for another Holy Grail.  
  
All:  
[Shocked] What?!? How???  
  
Jason:  
[Grinning mischievously] On one condition.  
  
Usagi:  
What is it?  
  
Jason:  
I finished my last fic just now. I was planning on returning in order to gather material to write another one,   
so if I let you all accompany me to the fanfiction universe, then you all have to let me write about it.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Raises an eyebrow] Is that all? And I thought that it would be something big....  
  
Jason:  
[As he starts typing away at his laptop] Oh, I forgot to mention two more things.  
  
Makoto:  
And what are those?  
  
Jason:  
Well, first of all, I'll be requiring them to come along as well. [Points behind everyone]  
  
{Everyone turns at once and finds Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna and Hotaru standing behind them, looking very bewildered.}  
  
Haruka:  
[Sounding annoyed] Hey! What're we doing here?  
  
Michiru:  
Is this supposed to be some sort of practical joke or something?  
  
Hotaru:  
[To Setsuna] Setsuna-mama, what's going on?  
  
Setsuna:  
[Sighing fatalistically] Oh, not again....  
  
Ryoku:  
[To Jason as the rest of the Inner Senshi fill in the Outers on what's been happening] And what's the second   
thing you forgot to mention?  
  
Jason:  
[Warningly as he types at his laptop again] Don't turn around.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Snorts skeptically as he turns around] And why shouldn't I turn arou.... [Gets cut off as Haruka suddenly grabs   
him, embraces him and starts kissing him passionately]  
  
Everyone else:  
[Staring in utter disbelief] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Laughing out loud] That's why. You see, in the fanfiction world, fanfiction authors - like myself - have the   
ability to influence the reflection we visit. We can bend it to our will and effectively control the actions of those   
around us. [Grins widely] Those of us who are very experienced in this practice can also influence the other two   
universes within a certain distance. Myself, I can affect people within a 2.5km radius. [Notices that Haruka and Ryoku   
are still... well, they're still at it] Um... I think I made my point.  
  
{After Jason types at his laptop, Haruka and Ryoku quickly break away from each other and just stare at each other   
in complete shock and disbelief. Then, they turn to Jason and scowl angrily.}  
  
Jason:  
[Nonchalantly] I wouldn't do anything rash... [Waves his hands over his laptop] ...unless you want to try   
that again.  
  
Ryoku/Haruka:  
[Both flinch and blush almost imperceptibly... especially Haruka] Eeh.... [Noticing the flat looks that both   
Ami and Michiru are giving them] Urk!  
  
Jason:  
I didn't think so. Well, now that we've got that out of the way, are you all ready to go search for the Holy   
Grail in the fanfiction universe?  
  
All:  
....  
  
Jason:  
[Sweatdrops] I'll... take that as a yes, I suppose. Well, let's go.  
  
Luna:  
Um... I think that this trip will be a great training exercise for you Senshi. Sharpen your skills for when   
they might be needed.  
  
Artemis:  
[Nods as he catches on to what Luna is saying] That's why we think that you all should go without us. It'll do   
you some good to figure things out on your own.  
  
Minako:  
[Angrily] Artemis....  
  
Usagi:  
[Angrily] Luna....  
  
Jason:  
Actually, I think that would be best. After all, where we're headed, I doubt that the people will take to   
talking cats. Even if they remain quiet while we're there, they'll stand out.  
  
Artemis/Luna:  
[Quietly to each other] Saved....  
  
Jason:  
[Glances at the two cats] What was that? You two could still come along, you know.  
  
Artemis/Luna:  
[Big sweats] Ah!!! Uh, no, no, no, that's quite all right, thank you very much! We'll be fine right here, okay?  
  
Usagi/Minako:  
[Blank expressions] ....  
  
Jason:  
Well, since that's settled, let's get going.  
  
Ami:  
Um, Jason-san, how are we going to get to the fanfiction universe?  
  
Jason:  
Simple. All of you are going to transform into your Senshi forms and enter the fire. Don't worry; it'll be all   
right. Oh, before I forget, I will not be with all of you... at least, not in the physical sense.  
  
Michiru:  
You mean, you will be following us as a ghost?  
  
Jason:  
[Shrugs] If you want to put it in those terms, that's correct. However, that doesn't mean that I can't affect   
anything while we're there. But, as a personal policy, I tend to refrain from interfering as much as possible. A good   
deal of fanfiction authors follow the same policy that I do about non-interference. Don't expect too much from me, if   
anything, but don't think that I won't do anything if necessary.  
  
Hotaru:  
[To Setsuna] Are we supposed to be reassured by this, Setsuna-mama?  
  
Setsuna:  
I suppose the phrase, 'It's better than nothing' is supposed to apply here. However, that doesn't help very much.  
  
Jason:  
[Flatly to Setsuna] Keep talking like that, Pluto. I'll remember that when the Earth Scout Chronicles reaches   
the Identity Crisis series.  
  
Setsuna:  
[Eyes widen] .... [Bows] My apologies.  
  
Usagi:  
[Reaches to grab her transformation brooch, but pauses] Um... what season are we in for this fanfic, Jason-san?  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks] Oh, I completely forgot about that! Um... well, since I haven't seen the Stars series at this time,   
we'll stick with the SuperS series, sans Chibiusa.  
  
Usagi:  
[Happily] No Chibiusa? Oh, I could kiss you for that! [Pauses] Um, what about Mamo-chan? Shouldn't we be   
bringing him in, too?  
  
Jason:  
I think we can leave him out of this one. [To himself] With what I have in mind, I think he'll thank me for it.  
  
Usagi:  
[Frowns] Well, I'd rather have Mamo-chan as well, but if it means that Chibiusa isn't in this fic with us,   
then it should be all right. After all, I'm still a little peeved that she got so much air time in the SuperS series   
at the expense of my friends.  
  
Ami/Rei/Makoto/Minako:  
Damn right!  
  
Haruka:  
Us Outer Senshi didn't even show up again until the Stars season! I'm still a little mad about that!  
  
Jason:  
All right! All right, already! [sighs] Anyway, just transform and follow me into the flame. [Disappears]  
  
{The ten stare at the flame for a few seconds before pulling out their transformation items - Usagi had to take a   
moment to remember which brooch was for which season - and said their transformation phrases.}  
  
Ami:  
Mercury crystal power, make up!  
  
Rei:  
Mars crystal power, make up!  
  
Makoto:  
Jupiter crystal power, make up!  
  
Minako:  
Venus crystal power, make up!  
  
Ryoku:  
Knight crystal sword power, make up!  
  
Hotaru:  
Saturn planet power, make up!  
  
Haruka:  
Uranus planet power, make up!  
  
Michiru:  
Neptune planet power, make up!  
  
Setsuna:  
Pluto planet power, make up!  
  
Usagi:  
Moon crisis.... [Pauses] Um, can I use this transformation without Chibiusa?  
  
Jason:  
[Reappears typing away at his laptop] Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. [Stops typing] Okay. You should be all right   
now. [Disappears again]  
  
Usagi:  
All right! Moon crisis, make up!  
  
{After the transformations are complete, each of the Sailor Senshi enters the flame, one by one. As the enter the flame,   
they vanish, only to reappear beside Jason, standing in the middle of a huge grassy plain. It's just past dawn and the   
air is slightly foggy. Visibility is good for only a 50m radius.}  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Good. You're all here.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Where are we?  
  
Jason:  
[Grinning slyly] England. 932 A.D. to be exact.  
  
All:  
England?!?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
What the hell are we doing in England???  
  
Sailor Venus:  
And in 932 A.D.?  
  
Jason:  
Why else? To search for a Holy Grail. [Tilts his head as if listening to something in the distance] Oh, and   
here comes the man that'll help lead you to it, if I'm not mistaken.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Darkly] And if you are mistaken?  
  
Jason:  
[Shrugs] We'll worry about that when we have to. [Starts to fade away] Don't worry. If worse comes to worse,   
I'll help you guys out. And no derogatory comments about me while I'm gone! I still have my laptop, you know! [Disappears   
completely]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[With dread] Wait. England... in 932 A.D.? He doesn't mean...?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Catching on] You mean...?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Also catching on] No. Not....  
  
{Everyone turns around to watch what seems to be the top of a helmet bobbing slightly up and down as if riding a horse.   
As the rider approaches, the Senshi begin to see more and more of the armored rider. When he reaches the top of the hill,   
each of the Sailor Senshi's jaws drop at once. The rider is not riding a horse, but is, in fact, hopping up and down   
and skipping along as he pretends to be riding one. His hands are poised in front of him as if holding imaginary reigns.   
Behind him, a man who has the look of a servant about him and is carrying a huge backpack laden with supplies is steadily   
banging a pair of coconut halves together to simulate the sound of a horse's hooves hitting the ground.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Dryly] You've gotta be kidding me.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Why is that man prancing around like that?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Because he's an idiot, Saturn. That's why.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Nods] Oh.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Incredulously] He's the one that's supposed to lead us to the Holy Grail?!? I'd rather have Jason-san lead us!   
[Jumps out of the way, barely avoiding a huge rock that had suddenly appeared overhead] Hey! What the...? [Reading the   
words carved on the rock] 'I heard that. -Jason.'  
  
All:  
....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Remind me not to insult him again.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
That wouldn't help much.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Indignantly] And what do you mean by that?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
That you insult people without thinking about it.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Well, if some people wouldn't act so stupid so often, then they would have nothing to be insulted about, now   
would they?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Angrily] Is that so?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Angrily] That's.... [Sees two rocks overhead] Look out!!!  
  
{A pair of rocks hit the ground where Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars were standing. On each of the rocks are engraved   
the words 'Shut up! -Jason' in very large letters.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Sweatdrops] Boy, he knows how to make a point, doesn't he?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Sweatdrops and nods] Yeah.... But, does it have to be in such an immature, cartoonish sort of way?  
  
{A sign appears in front of Sailor Mercury, saying 'I like you, so I'll give you this as a warning. -Jason'}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Smirking while Mercury blushes slightly] I guess we know who's the favorite, right, Jupiter?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Smirking at Mercury's discomfiture] I guess so.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
I'm not sure what to think about this....  
  
{By this time, the man on horseback... um... I mean, the hopping man finally reaches the Sailor Senshi. He raises his   
hand upward as a signal to his servant, who immediately stops his coconut banging in response.}  
  
Hopping man:  
[While staring curiously at their... clothing} What manner of dress is this? Who are you people and why are   
you dressed so funny?  
  
All:  
....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[To the others] Did any of you understand him? Mercury? Venus? Knight?  
  
{Just as they were about to answer, a piece of paper suddenly flies in on a strong gust of wind and smacks Sailor   
Moon in the face. She pulls it off and reads 'Oops. Sorry about that. It should be fixed now. -Jason'.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[To Hopping man] I'm sorry. What was that you said again?  
  
Hopping man:  
[Blinks] For a moment there, I thought you were speaking.... Never mind. What I wanted to know is who are   
you people?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
That would take too long to explain, sir, but we are on a quest to find a sacred relic of the past.  
  
All:  
[Sweatdrops while staring at Sailor Knight] ....   
  
Hopping man:  
A quest, you say? [Nods] Well, I wish you luck in it. My name is Arthur, King of the Britons. I am on a quest   
myself. I am searching the land for strong and brave knights to join me at my court in Camelot. I am journeying   
toward the castle of one such knight now.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
If I may make a request, sire, may we accompany you on your quest? You see, a great and powerful wizard sent   
us here in order to find this sacred relic. We do not know our way around this land. Furthermore, I believe that the   
great wizard has sent us here on purpose in order to meet you. You might be able to help us find what we seek.   
[Kneels] Sire, may we accompany you? [Glances back at the others and gestures for them to do the same. They do so   
reluctantly.]  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Whispers] What's with you, Knight? Why're you doing this? [Sailor Knight hands her a large stack of bound   
papers with the words 'A Grail?!? Script' written in large letters on the front.] Oh. Never mind, then.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Considers the group for a moment] Hmm.... There is something about the ten of you.... Very well. I shall allow   
you to accompany me. However, you must provide for your own horses.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
King Arthur:  
Besides, I, too, have read the script. And if I don't let you all come with me, Jason is going to drop a   
big rock on my head. Now, let's get going.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[To the rest as King Arthur starts hopping away] I am not going to hop.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Aside to Neptune] I'd offer to give a piggyback ride, but it would just make us look silly.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Smiling back at Uranus] I don't know.... Maybe I'd like a ride... later.  
  
{A piece of paper suddenly smacks Uranus in the face. She takes it off, reads it, grimaces and hands it to Neptune.   
The paper says 'No innuendos.... Well, maybe a few here and there, but not too many. I am a guy, you know. But,   
nothing too suggestive. Heh, heh.... -Jason'.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Exasperated] Is he trying to be annoying?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Well, this is a parody... thingy.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Annoyed] Like that's supposed to explain anything.... [Pauses as she spots a sign in front of her saying,   
'Too bad. Now, stop complaining and get going! -Jason'.]  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Sighs as she and the other Senshi start following King Arthur] This is going to be quite a journey....  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Afterword  
  
And so ends the prologue. This fanfic is my first real attempt at a parody, so try to keep that in mind when to tell   
me how bad a job I did. If you think I did a good job, please, let me know! I'm very self-conscious, so I pretty much   
soak up the encouragement and praise. Also, this pseudo-script format is another first for me. I figure that since I'm   
crossing over an actual movie with Sailor Moon, why not use the pseudo-script format? It's a mere whim of mine. Anyway,   
coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 1: Møøse Bites and Coconuts  
  
Questions? Comments? Instructions on how to ride horseback without the horse?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	2. Chapter 1: Møøse Bites and Coconuts

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 1: Møøse Bites and Coconuts  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD.  
not slightly or in any way associated with  
A SAILOR AND A KNIGHT PRODUCTIONS LTD.(ASCAP)  
apologetically, and with some trepidation, presents  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A Grail?!?  
  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python and   
the Holy Grail crossover/parody... thingy  
  
  
  
  
  
Un Gräilen?!? Säilor Møøn Wik Mønti Pythøn ik den Hølie Gräilen  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Written, but not personally performed by:  
Graham Chapman  
John Cleese  
Eric Idle  
Terry Gilliam  
Terry Jones  
Michael Palin  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Røten nik nö Akten hëre Di  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Written and personally (but not really personally because this is a work of fiction, you know) performed by:  
Jason C. Ulloa  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Røten nik nö Realli Akten hëre Di  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
With  
Usagi Tsukino  
Ami Mizuno  
Rei Hino  
Makoto Kino  
Minako Aino  
Ryoku Kino  
Hotaru Tomoe  
Haruka Ten'ou  
Michiru Kaiou  
Setsuna Meiou  
  
  
  
  
  
Wik  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Also appearing  
Luna  
Artemis  
A bunch of other people who don't really matter  
  
  
  
  
  
Alsø Wik  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Also also appearing  
Jason C. Ulloa  
  
  
  
  
  
Alsø alsø Wik  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Not appearing  
Chibiusa Tsukino  
Diana  
Mamoru Chiba  
Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film  
You, obviously  
John Jacob Jinglehimershmidt  
Anyone whose name is also John Jacob Jinglehimershmidt  
The Amazing Rando  
Godot (We're still waiting for him)  
Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny  
Anybody else that isn't listed here  
  
  
  
  
  
Nøt Wik  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Camera Operator &  
Camera Focus &  
Camera Assistant &  
Camera Grip THE GUY WITH THE CAMERA  
Lighting LIGHTSWITCH & FLASHLIGHT  
SERVICES, LTD.  
NOT-IN-COLOR  
Rostrum Cameraman SOME GUY  
  
  
  
  
  
Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sound Recordist MIKE ROWFONE  
Sound Mixer THE GUY WHO MIXES SOUND  
Boom Swinger WATT CHOREHED  
Sound Maintenance A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE  
Sound Assistant BEN DOVER  
Dubbing Editor DUBBING? THERE WAS DUBBING?  
Assistant Editors SOME MORE GUYS  
Sound Effects F. ECKS  
  
  
  
  
  
See the løveli lakes  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Continuity NOW HIRING  
Accountant CHEAP SKATES  
Property Buyer THE MONOPOLY GUY  
Property Master MILTON BRADLY  
Property Men THE CANNON, THE DOG, THE SHOE,  
THE IRON, THE CAR, THE STEAMBOAT....  
Catering LOTTA FOOD CATERING  
Vehicles RENT-A-WRECK, INC.  
  
  
  
  
  
The wøndërful telephøne systëm  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Assistant Art Director I. M. BLIND  
Construction Manager TIM TAYLOR  
Carpenters SOME '7Os BAND  
Painter PABLO PICASSO  
Stagehand LEFTY  
Rigger (n) 1. ONE WHO RIGS, OR SETS UP AN OBJECT FOR USE.  
  
  
  
  
  
And mäni interësting fürri animäls  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Special extra thanks and profuse apologies to:  
Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Naoko Takeuchi, Fanfiction.net,   
Kodansha, Toei Animation, TV Asahi, Bandai, DIC, Cloverway, Pioneer, and anybody else who might be even remotely   
responsible for the production, release, distribution, etc. of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Sailor Moon, or this fic.  
  
  
Made entirely on location on board the USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74) inside the deranged mind and the privately-  
owned laptop of one Jason C. Ulloa, Information Systems Technician 3rd Class, Surface Warfare, United States Navy  
  
By A Sailor and A Knight, Limited, USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74), Coronado, California, USA.  
Completed in the personal laptop of IT3(SW) Jason C. Ulloa.  
Copyright © 2002 Jason C. Ulloa, A Sailor and A Knight, LTD.  
All rights reserved... except those rights belonging to other people, of course.  
  
  
  
The Producer would like to thank Python (Monty) Pictures and Naoko Takeuchi for their inadvertent help in the   
making of this work. If they knew what he was doing, they would probably be very unhappy with it... or, they might   
think that it was funny. He's hoping for the latter.  
  
The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and  
any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely  
accidental and unintentional.  
  
So put that in your pipe and smoke it.  
Signed RICHARD M. NIXON  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Inclüding the majestik møøse  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Songs  
PARAPPA THE RAPPA  
  
Additional Music  
UM JAMMER LAMMY  
  
  
  
  
  
A møøse ønce bït mi sistër....  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Costume Designer  
SETSUNA MEIOU  
  
  
  
  
  
No realli! She wäs Karving hër ïnitïals øn the møøse with the shärpened end   
of an interspace tøøthbrush given tø hër by Svenge - hër brøther-in-läw - än Oslo   
dëntist and stär of mani Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of än Oslo   
Dëntist", "Fïllings of Passiøn", "The Huge Mølars of Hørst Nordfink"....  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
We apologize for the fault in the   
subtitles. Those responsible have   
been sacked.  
  
  
  
  
  
Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti....  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
We apologize again for the fault in the   
subtitles. Those responsible for sacking   
the people who have just been sacked,   
have been sacked.  
  
  
  
  
  
I ønce bït a møøse, büt it wäs ønli becäuse I wäs hungri....  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
We once again apologize for the fault in the   
subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the   
people who have sacked the people who have just   
been sacked, have now been sacked.  
  
In addition, the person in charge of the entire   
subtitling process for this work has just been   
socked. And once he comes back to his senses, he   
will be sacked.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Production Manager THE MANAGER OF PRODUCTIONS  
Assistant Director THE DIRECTOR OF ASSISTANTS  
Special Effects F. ECKS  
Choreography TWO LEFT FEET CHOREOGRAPHY  
Fight Director RYOKU KINO  
Period Consultant GRAMMERCHECK  
Make Up Artists BISHOUJO SAILOR SENSHI HENSHIN PHRASES  
Special Effects Photography ANOTHER GUY WITH A CAMERA  
Animation Assistance ART ATTACK!  
Møøse Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Lighting Cameraman YET ANOTHER GUY WITH A CAMERA  
Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT  
Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Designer DE MAN WIT DE PEN  
Møøse choreographed by HORST PROT III  
Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME  
Møøse trained to mix concrete and   
sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Editor JASON C. ULLOA  
Møøses noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER  
Large møøse on the left hand side   
of the screen in the third scene from the   
end, given a thorough grounding in Latin,   
French and "O" Level Geography by BO BENN  
Suggestive poses for the møøse   
suggested by VIC ROTTER  
Antler-care by LIV THATCHER  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author of 'A Grail?!?' JASON C. ULLOA  
Møøse toilet-trained by SVEN YAGERHERGENØVEN  
Møøse trained to dance the lambada and  
do the hokey-pokey by HEIDI EVENHØVER  
Recipient of a møøse bite in the behind DORF BJØRNENHURGENBITTEN  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The directors of the firm hired to   
continue the credits after the other   
people had been sacked, wish it to   
be known that they have just been   
sacked.  
  
The remaining credits have been completed   
in an entirely different style, at great   
expense and at the last minute.  
  
The producer wishes it to be known that   
whatever follows this message is not of   
his doing and, if the credits turn out to   
be completely stupid, those responsible   
will be sacked.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Executive Producer  
JASON C. ULLOA & "RALPH" The Wonder Bunny  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Producer  
JASON C. ULLOA  
  
Assisted By  
EARL J. BUNNY  
MILT Q. BUNNY III  
SY BUNNY  
MERLE Z. BUNNY IX  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Directed By  
  
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED  
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN BUNNIES  
  
6 VENEZUELAN RED BUNNIES  
  
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING BUNNIES  
  
14 NORTH CHILEAN RABBITS  
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE BUNNY)  
  
REG. BUNNY OF BRIXTON  
  
76000 BATTERY BUNNIES  
FROM "BUNNY-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY  
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE ENERGIZER BUNNY)  
  
and  
  
JASON C. ULLOA  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Person whose name appears in the credits the most often - the current count being ten times:  
JASON C. ULLOA  
  
Person whose name has appeared in the credits WAY too many times - and this current appearance being number eleven:  
JASON C. ULLOA  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glances up at the credits] Well, wasn't that just a complete waste of time.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Didn't we already start? Why are the opening credits up there?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs] Hell if I know. Maybe it was just an excuse for Jason-san to put his name in there eleven times.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Grins] I liked the last part of the opening credits.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Put her hands on her hips and frowns] You would. They were mostly about bunnies.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shrugs] I can't help it if my name means 'bunny'. It could be worse. They could've said llamas.  
  
Senshi:  
Llamas?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Slightly defensive] What? The credits could've said llamas instead of bunnies.  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops as they look at Sailor Moon] ....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Stop looking at me like that.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
I thought those Swedish subtitles were funny.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
They weren't Swedish, Venus. It was badly spelled English passed off as Swedish.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shrugs] So what? I still thought it was funny.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
I thought it was completely stupid.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods] I thought so, too. I suppose that this means that a bunch of people are going to be sacked.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Sailor Knight] Ryo-oniichan, what does 'sacked' mean?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
It means that someone is going to be fired.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Confused] Fired? From what?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To himself] Hopefully from a cannon. [To Sailor Saturn] From their job, Saturn.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Nods] Oh. But, who is going to be fired from their job?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] The moron that wrote the opening credits.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Warningly] Heads up.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glances upward] Eh? [Notices a HUGE rock overhead] ...look out! [Just barely dodges an enormous rock with words   
carved on it in large letters. The words read: 'Hey! I was the one who rewrote most of the opening credits! -Jason']  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Deadpan] Next time, be more careful of who you call a moron.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Tiredly] How long are we going to be doing this?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Doing what?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Commenting on the opening credits. I think we've already worn the joke thin.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs] Well, we can't continue until Jason-san cuts to the next scene. He's the one in charge of this fic,   
remember?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Looking skyward] Jason-san! Can we go to the next scene already? Please? We've already killed this joke many times   
over. The readers are growing impatient!  
  
{A sign suddenly appears in front of the Senshi. It says, 'Oh, all right. We'll move on. -Jason'}  
  
Senshi:  
[Bows while speaking in a deadpan tone] Thank you very much.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{It is still dawn on the grassy plain where the Sailor Senshi and King Arthur had met in the Prologue... I mean, a short   
time ago. The fog has lifted slightly, but it is still slightly foggy. King Arthur is... um, riding his... uh, horse....   
[The narrator sweatdrops] Oh, forget it. He's HOPPING, all right? He's prancing around like a... well, I won't say it, but   
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, he's... hopping... down a small hill with his servant, Patsy, behing him,   
banging a couple of coconut halves together. Not like it sounds like a real horse, anyway. I mean, they're riding on GRASS.   
The sound a couple of coconut halves make when banged together like that is like a horse trotting on cobblestones. If he   
wants to do it right, he should fill the coconut halves with some sod-covered dirt and.... [Narrator pauses in order to   
dodge a big rock that had just appeared over his head. The words, 'Get on with it! -Jason' is carved on it.] Oh, sorry.   
I guess I got carried away....}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Annoyed] Are we there yet?  
  
King Arthur:  
The castle should be just up ahead. [Glances back toward the Senshi and notices that they aren't... hopping] Why   
aren't you riding?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Under her breath] Because we don't want to look as stupid as you.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] I'm sorry?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Louder] I said that we prefer to walk.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
That and we don't have any coconut halves.  
  
Other Senshi:  
[While staring at Sailor Moon and sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Stop looking at me like that. [Defensively] What? That looks like fun!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shakes her head] At any rate, let's just keep going.  
  
{King Arthur continues to hop toward the castle ahead with the Sailor Senshi following behind... but not too closely. As   
soon as they reach the castle, King Arthur signals a halt.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Raises his hand] Whoa there!  
  
{Patsy bangs the coconuts together to imitate a horse stopping abruptly. The Senshi all glance at each other, shrug, and   
stop walking. From the top of the castle, a soldier carrying a spear appears and glances down at the group.}  
  
Soldier:  
Halt! Who goes there?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] .... [To the others] Didn't we already stop?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Just go along with it.  
  
King Arthur:  
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons,   
Sovereign of all England!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Flatly as she folds her arms] So, he's been around and has a few titles. Big deal. Couldn't he just say, 'I'm   
King Arthur?'  
  
King Arthur:  
[Indifferently] And these strangely dressed people are just traveling in the same direction that I am. They are of   
no consequence.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Frowns] Who's of no consequence? [Takes a step forward, but is restrained by Sailor Neptune and Sailor Pluto]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Calmly] Don't mind him. Keep in mind why we are following him.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Also calmly] Yes. Remember the Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Snorts in irritation, but calms down] Whatever.  
  
Soldier:  
King Arthur, you say? [Skeptically] Pull the other one!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Indignantly] I am! [Ignoring the chuckling of the Senshi] And this is my trusy servant, Patsy. We have ridden-  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Hopped.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Still ignoring the Senshi] -the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court   
at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Questioningly] Which one? The lord or the master?  
  
King Arthur:  
They are one and the same.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Then, why did you ask for both? Couldn't you have asked for one or the other?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Growing impatient] It does not matter. As long as he gets one or the other.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Nods] Oh. I see.  
  
Soldier:  
Ridden? On a horse?  
  
King Arthur:  
Yes!  
  
Soldier:  
You're using coconuts!  
  
{The Sailor Senshi are trying very, very hard not to break into laughter.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks in surprise] What?  
  
Soldier:  
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Growing impatient again] So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of   
Mercia, through-  
  
Soldier:  
[Interrupting] Where'd you get the coconuts?  
  
{The Senshi stop their laughing and turn toward Arthur with curious expressions on their faces.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Matter-of-factly] We found them.  
  
Senshi:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Soldier:  
[Incredulously] Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Irritably] What do you mean?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
The coconut is a fruit that only grows in tropical climates, such as those areas found in close proximity to the   
Equator. Since England is not a tropical zone, coconuts are not usually grown here.  
  
Soldier:  
[Nods and points at Sailor Mercury] She's right. This is a temperate zone.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Incredulously] The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes   
in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?  
  
Soldier:  
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To the other Senshi] Are they actually having this conversation?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
I'm afraid so.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Flatly] I can feel my I.Q. level dropping by the minute.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs in relief] Good, then it's not just me.  
  
King Arthur:  
[To the soldier] Not at all. They could be carried.  
  
Soldier:  
[Blinks] What? A swallow carrying a coconut?  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
King Arthur:  
It could grip it by the husk!  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Soldier:  
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not   
carry a one pound coconut.  
  
Senshi:  
[While looking at Sailor Mercury] ....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Sweatdrops] What? I wasn't going to say anything! Honest!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Growing very impatient] Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the court of   
Camelot is here?  
  
Soldier:  
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second,   
right?  
  
Senshi:  
[While looking at Sailor Mercury] ....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Sweatdrops again] I have nothing further to add to this discussion. Stop looking at me.  
  
Senshi:  
Just checking.  
  
Soldier:  
Am I right?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Growing extremely impatient and slightly desperate] I'm not interested!  
  
{Another soldier climbs up behind the first soldier.}  
  
Other soldier:  
It could be an African swallow!  
  
Senshi:  
[Facefaults and sweatdrops] ....  
  
Soldier:  
[Turns toward the other soldier] Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.  
  
Other soldier:  
[Nods] Oh, yeah. I agree with that.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Growing quite upset] Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!?  
  
Soldier:  
But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.  
  
Other soldier:  
Oh, yeah.  
  
Soldier:  
So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.  
  
{After finally deciding that the two soldiers were of going to be of no help to him, King Arthur turns and starts to hop   
away with Patsy banging the coconuts behind him, regardless of where they found them. The Senshi share an amused look and   
start to follow, but at a leisurely distance behind.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Those men sure know a lot about swallows, don't they?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods] And here I thought that Mercury was the only one who could spout out useless trivia like that.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Indignantly] I resent that!  
  
Other Soldier:  
[Not noticing that everyone else has left] Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?  
  
Soldier:  
[Also not noticing that everyone else has left] No, they'd have to have it on a line.  
  
Other soldier:  
Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!  
  
Soldier:  
What? Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?  
  
Other soldier:  
Well, why not?  
  
Soldier:  
[Turns to look back at King Arthur and the Senshi, but notices that they have left] What? They're gone!  
  
Other soldier:  
[Looks as well] Well, so they are. That's the eighth time this month you've done that, you know.  
  
Soldier:  
...oh, shut up.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 2: Bring Out Your Dead!  
  
Questions? Comments? Need treatment for møøse bites?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	3. Chapter 2: Bring Out Your Dead!

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 2: Bring Out Your Dead!  
  
  
{It is now morning. King Arthur and the Sailor Senshi are riding.... [Pauses as he spots the Senshi glaring at him and   
sweatdrops] ...um, I mean, King Arthur is riding while the Senshi walk.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Nods in satisfaction] That's better.  
  
{Anyway.... They have left the castle they have visited in Chapter 1... I mean, over an hour ago and they are now starting   
to make their way through a small village....}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Wrinkles her nose in distaste] This place stinks.  
  
King Arthur:  
That's just the smell of death and decay. It's not really that bad.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[In disbelief] Not that bad? Since when is death and decay 'not that bad'?  
  
King Arthur:  
You get used to it.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinks] Get used to death and decay?!? You're not serious, are you?  
  
King Arthur:  
Quite. Shall we continue?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Deadpan] This does not bode well for our journey.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Frowns as he crosses his arms across his chest] The sight of people dying left and right doesn't help much either.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Upset] These people really need medical attention. Too many of them are dying from diseases and infections that   
could be prevented.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
It's 932 A.D., Mercury. I doubt they've heard of vaccinations.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Confused] Vaxen Nations? Is that where you are all from? That doesn't sound like any place on the mainland that   
I've heard of. Somewhere in the Far East, maybe?  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Flatly] Something like that.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
I could use my healing ability, but....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods] They would probably call you a witch or something, right?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
I think they burned witches back in this time period, didn't they?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Nods] They did, but we're getting ahead of ourselves.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods and points skyward] That's right! We don't get to that until Scene 5! [Thoughtful expression] I'm not sure   
which chapter that will be though, since we're on Chapter 2 in this fic and Scene 2 of the movie.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] Um... I mean... well....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Frowns] So. You have my copy of the "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" script.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Laughs sheepishly] Ehehehe.... Well, I only borrowed it for a moment. I didn't read all the way, yet. Actually, I   
kinda stopped after the witch scene.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Do you think you could look through it to see when we will get to the Holy Grail?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Or, at least to see how much stupidity we have to go through before we do get to it.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Speaking of which.... [Points to a man pulling a pile of dead people in a big cart] Why is that man pulling a cart   
full of dead bodies?  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Bangs a stick against a pan-like thing, making a clang sound] Bring out your dead!  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Clang] Bring out your dead!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Points] Look. Only partway into Chapter 2 and the author's already getting lazy. Shortening "Bangs a stick against   
a pan-like thing, making a clang sound" into just "Clang".  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs] You just don't learn, do you?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Frowns] What do you mean?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Points skyward] That.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
What? [Glances upward and spots a huge rock overhead and sighs] Not again. [Dives out of the way just in time for   
the rock to miss, then reads the words carved on the rock] "Hmm.... 'You try typing for hours on end and we'll see if you   
don't take any shortcuts. Bite me. -Jason'"  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Why do you insist on insulting him?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] He's the one with the near-godlike abilities in this fanfic. Somebody's got to keep his ego in check.   
Besides, better me than you, right? [Grins] Of course, if you're offering....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Grins back] I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] ...eh?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Um... I don't think that some of the readers will get that joke, Pluto.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
I'm not doing a plug for Jason-san's other fanfics, so don't ask me to explain it. Let's just get back to the story.  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Clang] Bring out your dead!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Angrily] We covered that! Get on with it!  
  
{A sign with the words "All right, already! -Jason" appears in front of the Senshi.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Grins] Thank you.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Knight] Sailor Mars can be scary sometimes.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To Saturn] You should see her during her time of the month. [Shudders]  
  
Customer:  
[Carries a body toward the Cart Master] Here's one.  
  
Cartmaster:  
Ninepence.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Deadpan] Is that the going rate of dead people these days?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Chuckles] Good one, Ryo-chan.  
  
Dead Person:  
[Weakly] I'm not dead.  
  
Senshi:  
[Stares] ....  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Blinks] What?  
  
Customer:  
[Quickly] Nothing. Here's your ninepence.  
  
Dead Person:  
[Insistently] I'm not dead!  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Pointing to the dead person] He says he's not dead!  
  
Customer:  
Yes, he is.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Dead Person:  
I'm not!  
  
Cartmaster:  
He isn't?  
  
Customer:  
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.  
  
Dead Person:  
I'm getting better.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs] He looks fine to me.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... These old folks nowadays, you never can tell. They could keel over at any   
minute.  
  
{An old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Points] See what I mean?  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Puts a hand to her mouth] How awful.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
It could be worse.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
How so, Saturn?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Shudders] They could be asking us to give them a great big hug.  
  
Senshi:  
[Staring at Saturn] ....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Defensively] What? Don't look at me like that. I'm the youngest one of us all. I can't help it if old people think   
I'm cute and want me to give them a hug. [Shudders again]  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Glaring at Knight] I told you that letting her watch gaijin television shows with you would be a bad idea.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shrugs] Hey, at least I kept her away from the excessively stupid shows.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Folds her arms] Like what?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Does the same] What else? Soap operas and talk shows. Shows like those are enough to destroy anyone's intelligence.  
  
Sailor Moon/Venus:  
[Indignantly] Hey! We happen to like those gaijin soap operas!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Glances over at them, then back at Knight and nods thoughfully] I see. Good point.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Thank you.  
  
Sailor Moon/Venus:  
[Very indignantly] HEY!!!  
  
Customer:  
[Angrily to the Senshi] Do you all mind?!? I'm trying to sell a dead person here!!!  
  
Dead Person:  
I'm not dead!  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Tiredly] Haven't we already gone over that?  
  
Customer:  
[Blinks] What? Oh. Sorry.  
  
Dead Person:  
I'm not dead!  
  
Customer:  
[To Dead Person] You've said that already, stupid!  
  
Dead Person:  
Oh. Um... [Thinks] I'm not?  
  
Customer:  
No. The next line after that.  
  
Dead Person:  
[Thinks] Oh... um.... I forgot.  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Frustrated] Oh, for Heaven's sake! [To Dead Person] It's 'I'm getting better', stupid!  
  
Dead Person:  
[Expression brightens] Oh! Thank you. [Clears his throat] I'm getting better, stupid!  
  
All:  
....  
  
Customer:  
[Mutters to himself] Close enough. [Out loud to Dead Person] No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.  
  
Cartmaster:  
I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.  
  
Dead Person:  
[Whining] I don't want to go on the cart!  
  
Customer:  
Oh, don't be such a baby.  
  
Dead Person:  
I feel fine!  
  
Customer:  
[To Cartmaster] Well, do us a favor.  
  
Cartmaster:  
I can't.  
  
Customer:  
[Imploring] Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Apologetically] No, I've got to go to the Robinson's. They've lost nine today.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
So, that would make it eighty-one pence?  
  
Senshi:  
[Looks at Mercury] ....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Sweatdrops] I was only trying to make a joke.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Consolingly] It was a good attempt. Really.  
  
Customer:  
Well, when's your next round.  
  
Cartmaster:  
Thursday.  
  
Dead Person:  
I think I'll go for a walk.  
  
Customer:  
[To Dead Person] You're not fooling anyone, you know. [To Cartmaster] Look. Isn't there anything you can do?  
  
Dead Person:  
[Singing] I feel happy! I feel happy! I feel.... [Gets cut off as Sailor Knight strides over to the Dead Person   
and whops him over the head with the hilt of his sword]  
  
Customer:  
[Gratefully to Knight] Ah, thanks very much.  
  
Knight:  
[Indifferently] Don't get me wrong. It was just that his singing was very irritating.  
  
Customer:  
Right. Well, thanks anyway.  
  
Cartmaster:  
[As he throws the Dead Person onto the cart with the Customer's help] Right then. See you on Thursday.  
  
Customer:  
All right.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Astonished] I can't believe you did that!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Bows his head] I know it was something completely out of character, but....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Why didn't you help those two lift that old man onto the cart? Don't you know how heavy dead bodies can get?  
  
Senshi:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
{The sound of coconuts banging together steadily approaches the Senshi. Moments later, King Arthur hops into view.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Hops over to the Senshi] So, did you all enjoy yourselves in that village?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
And where the hell were you?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Indifferently] Not that it's any of your concern, but I was inquiring about the location of a knight of whom I've   
heard several stories about. He dwells in a forest past this village.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Flatly] Oh, really?  
  
King Arthur:  
And besides, I wasn't in this scene, remember? [Ignores the Senshi as they facefault] Now, if you still wish to   
follow me, I am leaving for the forest.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Mutters] Where a monkey like you belongs.  
  
King Arthur:  
I'm sorry?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
I said, I hope it doesn't take long.  
  
King Arthur:  
Oh. It is not too far. A few leagues from here due west. [To Patsy] Come, Patsy!  
  
{King Arthur hops through the village with Patsy banging his coconuts as he follows.}  
  
Customer:  
[Glances at King Arthur] Who's that, then?  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Shrugs] I dunno. Must be a king.  
  
Customer:  
Why?  
  
Cartmaster:  
He hasn't got... [Looks overhead] ...watch out!  
  
Customer:  
[Also looks overhead] What the...?!?  
  
{Both jump out of the way just in time as a large bunny crashes into the ground. The words "No curse words in this fic! It   
has a G rating, remember? -Jason" are printed on a cloth hanging from the bunny's back.}  
  
Customer:  
[Stares in utter disbelief] What the hell?!? What's a huge bunny doing falling from the sky like that?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "I ran out of rocks. I'm still waiting on my next shipment to come in. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Cartmaster:  
He has no rocks, so he drops a huge bunny?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Would you rather it be a huge foot? -Jason" on it.}  
  
Customer:  
Personally, I would prefer the bunny. Wouldn't you?  
  
Cartmaster:  
Of course. [Reads the bunny sign again and sighs] Well, there goes some of the really great jokes.  
  
Customer:  
Right. And I was looking forward to the bit with the castle full of young girls.  
  
Cartmaster:  
Oh, right! The Castle Anthrax bit, right? Good stuff that was.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Okay, we're now rated PG, so no worries. But, still no cursing. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Cartmaster:  
Well. I suppose that's better than nothing, right?  
  
Customer:  
Yeah. [Glances around] Hey... what happened to the cart?  
  
{As the huge bunny begins to hop away, they both look to see that the cart has been totally crushed by the giant bunny.}  
  
Cartmaster:  
My cart!!!  
  
Customer:  
Looks like the old man's really dead this time. Well, no worries, then. Hey, does this mean that I get my ninepence   
back?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Oops. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Deadpan as he glances back at the mess] Nice aim, stupid.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "You wanna be next? -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] Urk!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs] I give up.  
  
Cartmaster:  
My cart!!!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{A few leagues due west later, the group finds themselves passing through a grassy field with a castle standing a short   
distance away. Some workers are busily tending the field by harvesting.... Hold on a minute. [Narrator reads over his   
script again] Are you sure this is right? This isn't a typo, is it? [A sign saying "Yes, it's right. Get on with it! -Jason"   
appears in front of Narrator] You gotta be kidding me. All right, then. The workers are busily tending the field by   
harvesting mounds of filth. Though why they would harvest filth is beyond me....}  
  
Senshi:  
Get on with it!!!  
  
{All right, already!!! Damn, you people are so pushy! Fine then. Screw the rest of the intro. Just get on with the dialogue,   
already.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
I think the narrator is a little touchy about being interrupted.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
That may be so, but if we had let him continue, he would've rambled on for a good dozen lines or so.  
  
{I would not!}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
If that is the case, then you have nothing to worry about. May we move on with the story please?  
  
{Well... all right.}  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
That was nicely handled.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Thank you.  
  
King Arthur:  
[As he hops by an old woman carrying a load of filth] Old woman!  
  
Old woman:  
[In a masculine voice] Man! [Points] And what is that? I'm not an old woman, you blind fool!  
  
{Sorry.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Apologetically] Man. Sorry. [Points toward the castle] What knight lives in that castle over there?  
  
Old man:  
I'm thirty-seven.  
  
King Arthur:  
I... [Pauses] What?  
  
Old man:  
I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old. [Points again] So change that, stupid!  
  
{All right, already! [Grumbles] Picky, picky....}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[To the other Inner Senshi] That sounds old to me. What about you?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nods] Yeah, that sounds old to me, too.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] Old.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods] I vote old, too.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
According to the average lifespan of a human male, thirty-seven would not be considered old.  
  
Man:  
[Points] There. You see?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
However, the average lifespan of a human male in England 932 A.D. is significantly lower.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Therefore, he could be considered an old man.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods] Old, indeed.  
  
Man:  
[Indignant] Some help you children are.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Smirks] Spoken like a true old man.  
  
Man:  
[Scowls] Oh, shut up.  
  
King Arthur:  
Don't mind them. Anyway, I can't call you 'Man'. [Glances up] No matter what the captions say.  
  
{Oh, shut up.}  
  
Man:  
Well, you could say 'Dennis'.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirks] You could also say 'dirty old man'.  
  
Dennis:  
[Angrily] Who asked you?  
  
King Arthur:  
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.  
  
Dennis:  
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?  
  
King Arthur:  
I did say sorry about the 'old woman', but from behind you looked....  
  
Dennis:  
[Cuts King Arthur off as he sets down his filth] What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an   
inferior!  
  
Arthur:  
[Casually] Well, I am King.  
  
Dennis:  
[Sarcastically] Oh, King, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Flatly] We're still in the process of trying to figure that out.  
  
Dennis:  
[Heatedly] I'll tell you how. By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which   
perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops and looks over to Mercury] ....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Shakes her head and sweatdrops] Don't look at me. I don't have any idea of what they were talking about, either.  
  
Senshi:  
[Looks over to Neptune] ....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Shakes her head as well] I don't know, either.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[As the Senshi start to look at him] Not a chance.  
  
Dennis:  
[Still ranting] If there's ever going to be any progress with the....  
  
Woman:  
[Cuts off Dennis as she calls out from a nearby filth mound] Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. [Notices   
the others] Oh! How d'you do?  
  
King Arthur:  
How do you do, good lady?  
  
Senshi:  
[Bows] Pleased to meet you.  
  
King Arthur:  
I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [Points to the castle] Who's castle is that?  
  
Woman:  
[Blinks] King of the who?  
  
King Arthur:  
The Britons.  
  
Woman:  
Who are the Britons?  
  
King Arthur:  
Well, we all are. We are all Britons and I am your king.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Points to herself and the other Senshi] We're not Britons. We're Japanese.  
  
Woman:  
[Blinks] Jappa... knees? What's that?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Dryly] From what I gather, they are foreigners from the Far East.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks] Eh... something like that.  
  
Woman:  
Well, I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Pleadingly] Please, Jason-san! Can't we just skip to the next scene? This one's making my head hurt! It's too   
confusing!!!  
  
{A sign appears with the words "No. If I can sit through it, so can you. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Grumbles] Damn.  
  
Dennis:  
[Sardonically as he starts grabbing some filth and begins to make something vaguely resembling a mud pie... but   
infinitely more disgusting] You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which   
the working classes....  
  
Woman:  
[Interrupts] Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.  
  
Dennis:  
[To woman] That's what it's about.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Frustratedly] Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?  
  
Woman:  
No one lives there.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Surprised] Then, who is your lord?  
  
Woman:  
We don't have a lord.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shocked] What?!?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Another waste of time, thanks to the hopping buffoon in tights.  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Uranus] Oh, shut up!  
  
Dennis:  
I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] A... what???  
  
Dennis:  
We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Irritably] Yes.  
  
Dennis:  
...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting....  
  
King Arthur:  
[More irritably] Yes, I see....  
  
Dennis:  
...by a simple majority in the case of....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Cuts him off as he grabs him by the collar] If you don't shut up and let us skip some lines, then I'm going to have   
to kill you just so we can move on to the next scene. All your political nonsense just isn't funny anymore.  
  
Dennis:  
[Nervously] Oh, right. Go right ahead.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Thank you. [Drops Dennis and heads back over to the Senshi]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Surprised] That's not like you, Ryo-chan. I've never known you to be so violent.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] It must be the stress.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Pats Knight consolingly on the shoulder] It'll be all right, Ryo-chan. Just don't go crazy on us, okay?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods] That's right. If that were to happen, then who'd take the brunt of Jason-san's abuse for us?  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] What? Oh, don't act like you weren't thinking that, too!  
  
Dennis:  
[Hesitantly] Um, so where are we gonna skip to?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Thinks] How about the part where King Arthur explains how he became king?  
  
Dennis:  
Fair enough.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Reverently] The Lady of the Lake... her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the   
bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glances around] Did you just hear angels signing back then?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
I didn't know water had a bosom.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Divine Providence? What's that?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
I think it has something to do with the Christian religion.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Frowns] But, we're Shinto!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinks] Samite? What's that, a long-lost Dark Kingdom General that we never heard of?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Warningly] I wouldn't be saying that if I were you. You might be giving ideas to the readers. Now there'll be new   
fics out there with a long-lost Dark Kingdom General named Samite who's trying to revive the Dark Kingdom or something.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Angrily] What?!? What are all of you blathering about now???  
  
Dennis:  
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive   
power derives from a mandate of the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blinks] Yeah.... What he said.  
  
King Arthur:  
Be quiet!  
  
Dennis:  
Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Angrily] Shut up!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[To the Senshi] I think we should keep going. I'm sure that the forest is not too far from here.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
We'll just leave him here with his new friends. [Turns to leave] Let's go.  
  
Dennis:  
I mean, if I went around saying that I was an emperor just because some... [Pauses as he glances skyward] ...um,   
some looney had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Grabs Dennis and starts shaking him] Shut up, will you? Shut up!  
  
Dennis:  
Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Still throttling Dennis] Shut up!  
  
Dennis:  
[Calls out] Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shoves Dennis away and storms off] Bloody peasant!  
  
Dennis:  
Oh, what a giveaway! [Calls out] Did you hear that? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You   
saw it, didn't you?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[As King Arthur catches up with them] Did you have fun playing with your new friends?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Grumbles] Do shut up. [Out loud] The forest should be within seven leagues west-southwest of here. We should reach   
it shortly.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Mutters] I can hardly wait.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Blinks as she notices Pluto's small grin] What are you smiling about?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
I'm smiling because we've finally reached the end of this chapter.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] At last. I thought it would never end.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Me, neither. All that political jargon was just too much, even for me!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
That's a scary thought. If there's something that someone with an I.Q. of 300 can't understand, then there's no   
hope for us normal people.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Frowns] Are you saying that I'm not normal?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Can we save this for another chapter? I'd like for this chapter to end so we can get on with the story. Dragging   
it on like this isn't exactly helping.  
  
Sailor Mercury/Venus:  
[Bows] We're sorry.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Thank you. [Glances skyward] How about it? Can we end this chapter now?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "What do you mean, end it now? I'm not even a quarter of the way done yet! -Jason" on it.}  
  
Senshi:  
What?!?  
  
{Another sign appears with the words "Just kidding! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Deadpan] To hell with near-godlike abilities. I say we kill him. [Pauses thoughtfully] But, after we find the   
Holy Grail.  
  
Senshi:  
[Flatly] No argument here.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 3: A Witch! May We Burn Her?  
  
Questions? Comments? Need schedules for dropping off your dead?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	4. Chapter 3: A Witch! May We Burn Her?

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 3: A Witch! May We Burn Her?  
  
  
{A few minutes after King Arthur and the Senshi left the mind-numbingly difficult to understand scene in the last part of   
Chapter 2... err.... [Pauses as a sign with the words "Don't even bother trying to cover up a screw-up that big. -Jason" on   
it appears and sighs] Right. Anyway, after all that, they finally made their way into that forest they were looking for. I   
don't know the name of the forest and frankly, I don't care. I mean, my job is just to move the story along, and....}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Flatly] You're doing a horrible job of it. Just shut up and let the story continue already.  
  
{Well! [Snorts indignantly] I never! Fine then. Let's just move along. [Grumbles] Ingrates....}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Staring skyward] Before we continue this story any further, Jason-san, we must inform you that, by a unanimous   
vote of 11-0, that at no time during this scene or any scene that takes place in a forest, we hearby call "No Skipping   
Through the Forest While Linking Arms and Chanting 'Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!'".  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Drat! -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[To Neptune] It's a good thing you thought of that before he did.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Did the name have to be that long, though? It's a mouthful.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Disappointedly] Aw.... Can't we skip anyway?  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Also sweatdrops] Stop looking at me like that.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Wait. Eleven? -Jason" on it.}  
  
King Arthur:  
Yes, eleven. I voted as well. It goes against all royal dignity to go skipping and hopping about like a fool.  
  
Senshi:  
[While staring at King Arthur] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] What? Stop staring at me.  
  
{As King Arthur and the Senshi travel through the forest, not skipping and definitely not chanting "Lions and tigers and   
bears, oh my!" even though I happen to like that particular movie, they come across a pair of knights dueling at the edge   
of a river... if you can call it a river. The body of water is approximately ½ meter across at the widest point, making the   
stream look more like something created when someone has left the garden hose running a little too long. There, a small, yet   
pointless bridge has been constructed with meticulous indifference. At any rate, the two knights - the Black Knight and the   
Green Knight - are still battling in front of the stream for reasons unknown. Maybe the Green Knight called the Black Knight   
a frilly dress-wearing girly-boy and said his mother shaves goat beards and his father smells like moldy gym socks; I don't   
know.}  
  
All:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
A randomly appearing sign:  
[With a picture of a sweatdrop on it] .... -Jason  
  
{Okay, so maybe not. But whatever the reason, they fight on until the Black Knight kills the Green Knight in a very gruesome   
way.}  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[While covering Saturn's eyes] How awful.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
But Michiru-mama, that man's not dead. That was just red-colored water that was spilling out of his helmet.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
But still, it was awful.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Dryly] The death scene or the acting?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Both. That's why I'm covering her eyes.  
  
Green Knight:  
[Leans up from the ground] Hey!  
  
Black Knight:  
[Kicks him in the head] You're supposed to be dead, stupid!  
  
Green Knight:  
Ow! Sorry. [Lies back down] You didn't have to kick me so hard, you bastard.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Are you being just slightly overprotective, Neptune?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
We have a hard enough time trying to protect her from those gaijin TV shows and movies that your boyfriend watches   
sometimes.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Indignantly] Hey! Don't bring me into this!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[While taking Neptune's hands off her eyes] But Michiru-mama, Haruka-papa, I like watching those shows with   
Ryo-oniichan! Thanks to him, I know what a... [Questioningly to Knight] ...'raitoseibaa'? [Knight nods] ...is.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Shakes her head and sighs] I don't think I'll ever understand gaijin movies.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
It could be worse. [Low and ominously] It could be Barney.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Furiously as she brings out her Space Sword Talisman] If you allow her to even catch one glimpse of that....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shudders] Don't even think about that. I'd sooner commit seppuku with a plastic butter knife.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[To King Arthur as he shakes his head] What's wrong?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighs] Nothing. I've long given up hope of understanding the lot of you.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
I think it's supposed to get worse as the story continues.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Looks skyward with an expression of hopelessness] O God in Heaven, what have I done to deserve this?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Pats King Arthur on the shoulder] Don't worry. I'm sure everything will be fine as long as you keep on going. Right?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighs heavily] I suppose. [Walks over to the Black Knight who has been standing in front of the... bridge ever   
since he killed the Green Knight]  
  
Green Knight:  
I'm not dead.  
  
{Yes, you are.}  
  
Green Knight:  
No, really. I'm not dead.  
  
{You are, too. We saw you die.}  
  
Green Knight:  
I'm getting better.  
  
{A large rock suddenly falls from the sky and lands on the Green Knight. The words "Now, he's dead. -Jason" are carved into   
the rock.}  
  
All:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Trying his best to ignore the big rock that has fallen on the Green Knight] You fight with the strength of many   
men, Sir Knight.  
  
Black Knight:  
....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] I am Arthur, King of the Britons.  
  
Black Knight:  
....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
I don't think he's impressed. Maybe he hasn't heard of you?  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Mars] Of course, he has! All of England knows of King Arthur!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
That commune we passed last chapter seemed not to know you.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Indignantly] That was another matter! Silence, all of you!!! [Turns back to Black Knight] Anyway, I seek the finest   
and bravest of knights in the land to join me in my court in Camelot. [Pauses] And don't mind those strangely dressed   
foreigners that are traveling with me. They merely travel in the same direction as I do, nothing more.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Flatly] He wears tights and hops around like a fool, yet he calls us strangely dressed foreigners?  
  
Black Knight:  
....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
He seems a bit taciturn, don't you think?  
  
King Arthur:  
[While choosing to ignore the Senshi] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [Glares back at the Senshi,   
who have been shaking their heads, but stopped just before King Arthur could catch them] And please, pay them no heed.  
  
Black Knight:  
....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Glares at the Senshi one last time, then turns back to Black Knight] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. [Tries   
to cross the bridge, but is stopped by the Black Knight standing in the way]  
  
Black Knight:  
None shall pass.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
He can talk!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
It's a miracle!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Can we go now?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] What?  
  
Black Knight:  
None shall pass.  
  
King Arthur:  
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.  
  
Black Knight:  
Then, you shall die.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Pointing at the stream] Excuse me, but can't you just step across this river?  
  
King Arthur:  
That is not the point! [To Black Knight] I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!  
  
Black Knight:  
I move for no man.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Walks up to Black Knight] So, you won't move for any man. But, will you move for a woman?  
  
Black Knight:  
[Thinks] Well, all right. [Steps aside as Uranus, then the rest of the Senshi, excluding Knight, walks past]  
  
King Arthur:  
[Angrily] Now, see here! Let me pass!  
  
Black Knight:  
I move for no man. [Notices a small bunny hopping toward him] Oh, how cute. Do you want to cross my bridge, little   
bunny? [Moves aside as the bunny crosses the bridge]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shakes his head in exasperation] Who needs that stupid bridge, anyway? [Steps over the stream and joins the other   
Senshi]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Nice to see you've made it, Sailor Knight. We were beginning to wonder.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
I wanted to see how much of a fool that fool could make of himself.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
And?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
There was just too much to take in at one time. I had to leave.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nods] We understand.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Very angrily] This is your last warning! Let me pass!  
  
Black Knight:  
I move for no man.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Furiously] So be it!  
  
{Both the Black Knight and King Arthur draw their swords and fight. Meanwhile, the Senshi are just standing around, looking   
very bored.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Frowns] Does he have to play around like this?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
There are times when one must step out of the way and let fools have their way.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirking] You mean, give him enough rope and he'll hang himself? [Snorts] Don't I wish.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Would you like to stop him, then?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Gestures toward King Arthur and the Black Knight] And miss the floor show? Why would I want to do that?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nudges Uranus with his elbow] I've got a thousand yen on the man in tights. Want in?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Hah! [Extends her hand] You're on! I say hopping boy gets his butt kicked. [Shakes hands with Knight while the   
other Senshi sweatdrop]  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Disapprovingly] Gambling, Haruka?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
It's only a friendly wager. Right, Ryo-kun?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods] Un! [To Neptune] Don't get so upset, Michiru-san. It's all in good fun.  
  
{As the Senshi watch, and Uranus and Knight cheer on their respective champions, King Arthur manages to chop the Black   
Knight's left arm off.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Triumphantly] All right!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Mutters as she scowls at Black Knight] You idiot.  
  
King Arthur:  
Now, stand aside, worthy adversary.  
  
Black Knight:  
'Tis but a scratch.  
  
Senshi:  
[Staring and sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Uranus/Knight:  
[To each other] Game on!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Incredulously] A scratch? Your arm's off!  
  
Black Knight:  
[Glances down at his left arm lying on the ground, then back at King Arthur] No, it isn't.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Points at the arm] Well, what's that, then?  
  
Black Knight:  
[Undauntedly] I've had worse.  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
You liar!  
  
Black Knight:  
[Mocking as he raises his sword again] Come on, you pansy!  
  
{They fight some more until King Arthur chops the Black Knight's right arm off.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Points at Uranus] Hah! You owe me a thousand yen!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grumbles incoherently] ...fine.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Triumphantly] Victory is mine! [Kneels in prayer] We thank Thee, Lord, that in Thy mer....  
  
{King Arthur gets cut off as the Black Knight kicks him in the behind.}  
  
Black Knight:  
Hah! [Kicks King Arthur again] Come on, then!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Stares in disbelief] What?  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Black Knight:  
[Kicks King Arthur again] Have at you!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Well, he is persistant. I'll give him that.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Too bad he doesn't know when to quit.  
  
King Arthur:  
You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.  
  
Black Knight:  
[Taunting] Oh. Had enough, eh?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Irritably] Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.  
  
Black Knight:  
Yes, I have.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Indignantly] Look!  
  
Black Knight:  
It's just a flesh wound. [Kicks King Arthur again]  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Dryly] That's one heck of a flesh wound.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Flatly] Especially since he lost a lot of flesh... and bone... and muscle....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Very irritably] Look, stop that.  
  
Black Knight:  
[Tauntingly] Chicken!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
That guy's asking for it.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Angrily] Look, I'll have your leg. [Black Knight kicks King Arthur again] Right.  
  
{King Arthur swings his sword and chops off Black Knight's right leg.}  
  
Black Knight:  
[While hopping on his last leg] Right. I'll do you for that!  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
King Arthur:  
You'll what?!?  
  
Black Knight:  
[Hops toward King Arthur and bumps into him] Come here!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Moves back and stares at Black Knight] What are you going to do, bleed on me?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
That's about all he can do.  
  
Black Knight:  
I'm invincible!!!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
No, just stupid.  
  
King Arthur:  
You're a looney!  
  
Senshi:  
No arguement here.  
  
Black Knight:  
The Black Knight always triumphs!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Questioningly] Even with the loss of three limbs?  
  
Black Knight:  
Have at you! [Charges King Arthur again] Come on, then.  
  
{King Arthur sighs, then chops off Black Knight's left leg, leaving him as a limbless stump sitting on the ground. The   
Black Knight looks down at himself in surprise as he realizes that he has no more limbs left.}  
  
Black Knight:  
All right, we'll call it a draw.  
  
Senshi:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
{King Arthur shakes his head as he signals for Patsy to come to him. The Senshi merely shrug as they turn and follow him.}  
  
Black Knight:  
[Mocking] Oh! Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll   
bite your legs off!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
How does that man expect to bite our legs off if he can't move?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Quietly] How indeed, Hotaru-chan. How indeed.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Well, now that we're done here, what now?  
  
King Arthur:  
Well, there is another village not too far from here....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
It's not another village full of death and decay, is it?  
  
King Arthur:  
No. [Neptune sighs in relief] But, it does have a slight problem.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Deadpan] Why are we not surprised?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
That seems to be the norm around here. The sooner you realize this, the less confused you will be.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
What problem does this village have?  
  
King Arthur:  
They have the occasion problem with witches.  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ...witches?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Nods] Yes. They seem to find witches living in their village quite often.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Nervous] Maybe we shouldn't go....  
  
King Arthur:  
Nonsense. There is nothing to worry about. Besides, I've also heard that a very wise knight resides within this   
village.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Considering all of the knights we have met so far, that phrase sounds like an oxymoron.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] What?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Case in point.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Frowns] Be that as it may, let us continue. We are wasting time here. Besides, the longer we tarry about, the more   
opportunities we give our author friend to cause mischief upon us.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blinks] Oh, yeah! I almost forgot about Jason-baka.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Flatly] Too late.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blinks] What? [Blinks again in realization] Damn....  
  
{Sailor Knight jumps out of the way as a big rock hits the ground were he was standing. The words "Thanks for giving me an   
excuse to drop a rock on you, Ryo-kun. I really appreciate it. -Jason" are carved on the rock.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] And this is how he shows his appreciation?!?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
It could be worse.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
How?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
You could be underneath that rock right now.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Stiffens] Urk!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Impatiently] Can we go now? Please?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Turns to leave] I shall lead you all to the village. Follow my lead.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
We still won't hop.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Frowns] I'm not hopping. I'm riding! [Hops... err, rides away while Patsy bangs the coconuts behind him]  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Dryly to Pluto] Please remind me again; why are we following him?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Because he will eventually lead us to the Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grimaces and mutters] Eventually.... I think I'd rather fight the Death Busters again.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "I could arrange that if you want. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Eyes widen] He wouldn't dare....  
  
{A sign appears with the words "You'd better get going before I really consider it. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[To Knight] Ryo-kun, If you're still planning on killing Jason-san, I'd be more than happy to help you.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Pats Uranus consolingly on the shoulder] Welcome to the club, Haruka-san.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{As King Arthur and the Senshi come into view of the village, they notice a group of traveling monks walking by in single   
file while chanting. They notice that all the monks are holding planks of wood in their hands.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Curiously] What is that they're chanting?  
  
Monks:  
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Frowns] Hmm.... I'm not very good with Latin. [To Neptune and Knight] Can either of you figure out what they're   
saying?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shakes his head] I never bothered with Latin.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Looks thoughtful] Hmm... I recognize 'requiem', but not much else. Something about resting, I believe.  
  
King Arthur:  
'Pie' means dutifully. 'Is' means this. 'Sudo' means to toil. 'Mei' means my or mine. 'Do' means to offer. 'Nam'   
means for. 'Eis' means his. And 'requiem' comes from the word 'requies' meaning rest. A 'requiem' is a song of rest, usually   
sung at an individual's Mass. What they are saying is roughly, 'At this, I toil dutifully. I offer this for His requiem.'  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
I wonder what they mean by 'I offer this for his requiem?'  
  
{Suddenly, all of the monks whap themselves in the head with their planks of wood, then repeat their chant.}  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Monks:  
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[While staring in disbelief] You've got to be kidding me.  
  
Monks:  
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo   
mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do name eis requiem. [Whap]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sweatdrops] Those monks must get headaches frequently.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
What kind of screwed-up religion do those morons follow?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ingidnantly] How dare you speak of my religion like that! Those are holy men you are insulting!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Nods] That explains quite a lot.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
The more I watch them, the more I appreicate my own religion. As a Shinto priestess, I have never once had to hit   
my head with a piece of wood.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Looking around] I hate to break up this interesting theological discussion, but have any of you seen where Saturn   
has disappeared to?  
  
{Everyone stops talking and starts looking around the area, searching for Saturn.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
She was just here. She was walking by me until we stopped a little while ago.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
When they started talking about those monks?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] But after that, I don't know where she could've gotten to.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Spots something and points] Everyone! Over there! Saturn's over there!  
  
{Everyone turns to see where Venus is pointing to. They spot Saturn in the village, surrounded by a mob of shouting   
villagers. Saturn is apparently wearing a pointy hat and has a false nose tied to her face. She is also carrying a broom in   
her right hand.}  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Worriedly] Hotaru-chan!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Also worriedly] How did they get a hold of her?  
  
King Arthur:  
Don't worry. If your friend is not a witch, then they won't do anything to harm her. A lot of their witches have   
been false alarms as of late.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Coldly] For her sake, you had better be right.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Either way, Hotaru-chan looks pretty upset. She'd feel better if she saw us nearby. Let's go.  
  
{The Senshi all rush over to the village with King Arthur following at his leisure. In the village, the shouting grows   
louder as the crowd reaches a knight dressed in blue and white who seems to be patiently watching the procession. He has the   
look of someone who is used to dealing with false alarms and general stupidity.}  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!  
A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!  
  
{The crowd quiets down as three villagers approach the knight with Saturn in tow. Saturn seems to be taking the treatment   
stoically, but she definitely doesn't look too happy with her current situation.}  
  
Villager 1:  
[Eagerly] We have found a witch. May we burn her?  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting} Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!  
  
Knight:  
[Patiently] How do you know she is a witch?  
  
Villager 2:  
She looks like one.  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] Right! Yeah!  
  
Knight:  
[Sighs, then gestures at the villagers] Bring her forward.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[While being shoved forward] Please! I'm not a witch! Please, stop this!  
  
Knight:  
[While examining Saturn] But you're dressed up as one.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Blinks] What do you mean?  
  
Knight:  
[Points] The hat, the nose, the....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Glances back at the villagers] They dressed me up like this.  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] We didn't! We didn't!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Lifts up the false nose] See? This is a false nose.  
  
Knight:  
[Gives the crowd a chiding look] Well?  
  
Villager 1:  
[Penitently] Well, we did do the nose.  
  
Knight:  
[Dubiously] The nose?  
  
Villager 1:  
And the hat. [Shouts] But she is a witch!  
  
Villager 2:  
[Nods] Yeah!  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] Right! We burn her!  
  
Knight:  
[Patiently] Did you dress her up like this?  
  
Villager 1:  
[Emphatic] No!  
  
Villager 2:  
[Looks to Villager 3] No!  
  
Villager 3:  
[Looks to Villager 2 and 1] No!  
  
Villager 2:  
[Slightly less emphatic] No.  
  
Villager 1:  
[Also slightly less emphatic] No.  
  
Villager 3:  
[Also slightly less emphatic] No.  
  
Villager 1:  
Yes.  
  
Villager 2:  
[Nods] Yes.  
  
Villager 1:  
Yes, a bit.  
  
Villager 3:  
A bit.  
  
Villager 2:  
A bit.  
  
Villager 1:  
[Points] She has got a wart. And a broom!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Reaches up and removes the wart] That was fake, too. And someone put this in my hand. [Drops the broom]  
  
Knight:  
[Sighs again] What makes you think she's a witch?  
  
Villager 3:  
Well, she turned me into a newt.  
  
Knight:  
[Blinks and looks questioningly at him] A newt?  
  
Villager 3:  
[Pauses and shrugs] I got better.  
  
Villager 2:  
[Shouts] Burn her anyway!  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] Burn her! Burn her up!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Sighs] Why me?  
  
Knight:  
What do you burn apart from witches?  
  
Villager 1:  
[Shouts] More witches!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Mutters] I hate the Dark Ages.  
  
Villager 3:  
[Hushes Villager 1] Shhh!  
  
Villager 2:  
Wood!  
  
Knight:  
[Nods] So, why do witches burn?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
I said I'm not a witch! Why don't you listen to me?  
  
Knight:  
[To Saturn] Please stay calm, my lady. We'll get this all sorted out in due time.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Mutters] I really hate the Dark Ages.  
  
{Saturn begins to contemplate bringing out her Silence Glaive until she spots the rest of the Senshi just outside the   
crowd signaling that they'll save her if things start going bad. She sighs, but nods her understanding.}  
  
Villager 3:  
[Hesitantly] Because... they're made of... wood?  
  
Knight:  
[Grins] Good!  
  
Crowd:  
[Nods] Oh, yeah. Right.  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Knight:  
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?  
  
Villager 1:  
[Shouts] Build a bridge out of her!  
  
Senshi:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Knight:  
[Points skyward] Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?  
  
Villager 1:  
[Deflates] Oh, yeah.  
  
Crowd:  
[Nods] Yeah. True.  
  
Knight:  
Does wood sink in water?  
  
Villager 1:  
No. [Shakes his head] No.  
  
Villager 2:  
No, it floats. [Eyes widen in realization] It floats!  
  
Villager 1:  
[Shouts] Throw her in the pond!  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] The pond! Throw her in the pond!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Mutters] At least they're not shouting 'burn her' anymore.  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] Then, burn her!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Mutters] I had to open my big mouth, didn't I?  
  
Knight:  
What also floats in water?  
  
Villager 1:  
Bread!  
  
Villager 2:  
Apples!  
  
Villager 3:  
Um... very small rocks!  
  
Villager 1:  
Cider!  
  
Villager 2:  
Uh, gr... gravy!  
  
Villager 3:  
Turtles!  
  
Villager 1:  
Cherries!  
  
Villager 2:  
Mud!  
  
Villager 3:  
Uh, churches! Churches!  
  
Villager 1:  
Cats!  
  
Villager 2:  
Lead!  
  
Villager 3:  
Babies!  
  
Villager 1:  
Smoke!  
  
Villager 2:  
Bunnies!  
  
Villager 3:  
My mother!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shouts] A duck!  
  
Crowd:  
[Turns toward King Arthur in amazement] Ooooh....  
  
Knight:  
[Points and grins] Exactly. So, logically.... [Waits expectantly]  
  
Villager 1:  
[Frowns in thought] If... she... weighs... the same as a duck... she's made of wood.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Knight:  
[Spreads his arms] And therefore...?  
  
Villager 2:  
...a witch!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] Are you all right, Ami-chan?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs as he puts a consoling arm around Mercury] It's all that messed-up, so-called 'logic'. I think that it's   
conflicting and short-circuiting her own logical functions. [Pats Mercury lovingly on her head] It's all right. It's going   
to be all right. Don't let all this stupidity get to you.  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] A witch! A witch!  
  
Another villager:  
[While holding a duck] Here is a duck. Use this duck. [Hands the knight the duck]  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Sweatdrops] Where did that come from?!? And they're accusing me of being a witch....  
  
Duck:  
Quack! Quack! Quack!  
  
Knight:  
Very good. We shall use my largest scales.  
  
Crowd:  
[Shouting] Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her!  
  
{Saturn is carried over to a huge wooden scale that has appeared as magically as the duck and is place on one of the pans, while the duck is placed on the other. Two villagers each grab a big mallet and stand at either pan, ready to knock out   
the supports that keep the pans from moving.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
If I don't weigh the same as a duck, then will you let me go?  
  
Knight:  
[Nods] Of course, my lady. [To the villagers] Remove the supports!  
  
{The villagers knock the supports away, leaving the pans to hang freely. Surprisingly, the pans do not move.}  
  
Senshi:  
[Boggles] ....  
  
Crowd:  
[Cheering] A witch! A witch! A witch!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Shocked] No way!!! I'm not a witch!!!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shouts] Wait! Why are there a pair of wooden pegs stuck into the top of the scales?  
  
Knight:  
[Blinks] Oh my! I forgot I put those in there to keep it from moving in the wind. [Points] Knock out those pins as   
well, please.  
  
{As the two pins are knocked out, Saturn's pan quickly drops to the ground, knocking Saturn unceremoniously onto her behind  
and catapulting the duck into the air.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Rubbing her behind] Ow, that hurt.  
  
Duck:  
[While flying through the air without moving its wings] Quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!  
  
Crowd:  
[Disappointedly] Drat! [Disperses]  
  
Knight:  
[As he and Saturn walk up to King Arthur and the Senshi] Who are you who is so wise in the ways of science?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods] I agree. I'd hardly call that 'science'.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignores the Senshi] I am Arthur, King of the Britons.  
  
Knight:  
[Kneels] My liege!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Grinning profusely and glances pointedly at the Senshi] Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join   
us at the Round Table?  
  
Knight:  
[Glances up at King Arthur] My liege! I would be honored!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Mutters] His funeral.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignoring Uranus as he draws his sword] What is your name?  
  
Knight:  
Bedevere, my liege.  
  
King Arthur:  
[As he taps Bedevere on his shoulders with his sword] Then, I dub you 'Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.'  
  
Bedevere:  
[Stands up] I thank you, my liege. [Glances over toward the Senshi] If I may ask, my liege, who are these strangely   
garbed people traveling with you?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Indifferently] Merely a group of foreigners who are traveling in the same direction I am.  
  
Bedevere:  
[Nods] I see. Very well then, my liege. Where are you headed to now?  
  
King Arthur:  
One moment please, Sir Bedevere. [Brings out a thick stack of papers bound together with the words "Monty Python   
and the Holy Grail script" written on it and reads] Ah, yes. We are to go into a narrative interlude and then travel toward   
Camelot with three more knights traveling with us: Sir Lancelot; Sir Gallahad; and Sir Robin.  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Bedevere:  
[Nods] Ah, I see. Then, I shall go fetch my servant and my horse and ride with you immediately. [Leaves to gather   
his things]  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] Narrative interlude?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
He means that the narrator will tell the readers a summary of what happens while the story cuts to scene further in   
the story. In other words, we're going to skip a lot of scenes and go straight to Camelot.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nods] Once we get to Camelot, I'm certain that our search for the Holy Grail will truly get underway.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Glances thoughtfully at Pluto] How can you be so sure, Setsuna?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Because I happened to glance at the script as he was reading it.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Bedevere:  
[While hopping toward the others while his servant bangs a pair of coconuts together] I am ready, my liege.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks] More coconuts?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Did he find those in Mercia as well?  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Venus] Quiet you! [To Bedevere] Come, Sir Bedevere!  
  
{King Arthur and Bedevere hop away, leaving the Senshi to stare after them and sigh.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Flatly] Now we have another hopping idiot to deal with.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[To Knight] Can't you do something about her, Ryo-kun?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Looks thoughtfully at Mercury] Hmm....  
  
{Sailor Knight grins, then kisses Mercury, causing her to snap out of her twitching fit.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Grins] Thank you. All that unscientific nonsense really messed around with my head for a moment there.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Significant grin] Anytime, Mercury. Anytime.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Blushes] ....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grins] All right, lovebirds. Break it up. We've got a pair of hopping idiots to follow.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
That's right. On to the next chapter!  
  
Senshi:  
[Flatly] Do we have to?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Yes, unless you would like to discuss things with my friends. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] 'Friends'?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Points skyward] I think he means those.  
  
{Everyone glances upward to see a group of big rocks hovering overhead, then sweatdrops.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Flatly] Maybe we should get going?  
  
Senshi:  
[Nods, then starts running after King Arthur and Bedevere] DASH!!!  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
A small note: F#  
  
Now, for the real Author's Note: The Latin translation was based off of what I found and looked up at this site:  
http://humanun.arts.cuhk.edu.hk/Lexis/Latin/  
I may be slightly off with the translation, since I don't speak Latin. It is mostly guesswork, so if I am wrong, this is the reason why. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! So, there.  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 4: Camelot! It is a Silly Place  
  
Questions? Comments? What also floats in water?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	5. Chapter 4: Camelot! It is a Silly Place

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
Note: Keep reading.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 3: A Witch! May We Burn Her?  
  
  
{A few minutes after King Arthur and the Senshi left the mind-numbingly difficult to understand scene in the last part of   
Chapter 2... err.... [Pauses as a sign with the words "Don't even bother trying to cover up a screw-up that big. -Jason" on   
it appears and sighs] Right. Anyway, after all that, they finally made their way into that forest they were looking for. I   
don't know the name of the forest and frankly, I don't care. I mean, my job is just to move the story along, and....}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Flatly] You're doing a horrible job of it. Just shut up and let the story continue already.  
  
{Well! [Snorts indignantly] I never! Fine then. Let's just move along. [Grumbles] Ingrates....}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Staring skyward] Before we continue this story any further, Jason-san, we must inform you that, by a unanimous   
vote of 11-0, that at no time during this scene or any scene that takes place in a forest, we hearby call "No Skipping   
Through the Forest While Linking Arms and Chanting 'Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!'".  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Drat! -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[To Neptune] It's a good thing you thought of that before he did.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Did the name have to be that long, though? It's a mouthful.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Disappointedly] Aw.... Can't we skip anyway?  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Also sweatdrops] Stop looking at me like that.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Wait. Wasn't this supposed to be Chapter 4? Woah.... Déjà vu." -Jason" on it.}  
  
All:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Well, as long as we're here, shall we do this chapter again? -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Bringing out her Silence Glaive] Death Ribbon Revo.... [Gets cut off as Knight and Uranus both cover Saturn's   
mouth.]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Soothingly] There's no need to go THAT far, Hotaru-chan. Just calm down.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Calmly] That's right. If you want, you can help us kill Jason-san after this fic is over.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Blinks] I can help you and Ryo-oniichan kill Jason-san? [Grins] Okay!  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
{A sign appears with the words "I don't find that amusing in the least. -Jason" on it.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Glancing around] Where did Bedevere go?  
  
Bedevere:  
[Off screen] Over here, my liege! For some reason, I seem to be stuck off screen.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Annoyed] Oh, blast it all. Can't we just cut to the narrative interlude already?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "But I haven't even started Chapter 4 yet. -Jason" on it.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[While trying to remain calm] Well then, can you please start the chapter so we can get on with this story?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Well... okay. -Jason" on it.}  
  
All:  
[Deadpan while bowing] Thank you.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 4: Camelot! It is a Silly Place  
  
  
{The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:   
Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Gallahad the Pure; Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought   
the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the   
Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film-Or-In-This-Work-Of-Fanfiction-Either. Together they   
formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table. Oh, and the   
Sailor Senshi of 20th century Japan were there, too, but who cares?}  
  
Senshi:  
[Indignantly] That's not funny!  
  
Jason:  
I thought it was funny.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Surprised] What are you doing here? I thought you usually showed up as randomly appearing signs showing whatever   
you wanted to say.  
  
Jason:  
This is a narrative interlude. We aren't in the story per se.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Confused] I don't understand.  
  
Jason:  
It's simple. During a narrative interlude, time can run in any direction and at any speed the narrator may choose.   
For example, this narrative interlude will speed your time in this fic by a matter of three to four weeks, maybe even five.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shocked] Up to five weeks?!? What about...?  
  
Jason:  
[Interrupting] Oh, before I forget, during your stay in this alternate universe no time will pass in your original   
universe. I wouldn't want your friends and families to be worried about all of you.... Well, for those of you that this   
applies to.  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Knight/Saturn/Uranus/Neptune/Pluto:  
[Flatly] Thank you for your concern.  
  
Jason:  
[Dryly] Your appreciation moves my soul.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sarcastically] You have a soul?  
  
Jason:  
[Points upward] Look up.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glances upward to see a huge rock, then glares at Jason] I don't like you.  
  
Jason:  
[Wryly as Knight dives out of the way of the falling rock] I'm crushed.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Scowls] Cute, Jason-kun. Very cute.  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks] I aim to please. At any rate, now that I've had my fun....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Flatly] He calls this fun?  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks as laptop suddenly appears at his hands] What was that Haruka-san? You wanted to try kissing Ryo-kun again?   
[Starts typing] Well, if you insist....  
  
Sailor Knight/Uranus:  
[Shouts] NO!!!  
  
Jason:  
[Stops typing and smirks again] I was just kidding. At any rate, let's continue with the story.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{Anyway, at this point in the story, all of the Knights of the Round Table - well, the ones that were in the Holy Grail   
film, at least - were making their way back toward the castle that they would be calling home from now on. The Sailor Senshi   
were traveling behind the knights, keeping the servants/packhorses/coconut bangers between them and the hopping fools in   
front of them. Sailor Knight was doing his best to keep Sailor Mercury's attention away from the conversation between King   
Arthur and Bedevere, since their occasional "educational" discussions often short-circuited her logical functions.}  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Sighs] I don't think that's a feasible solution, Ryo-kun. [Pauses as she takes in the sight in front of her again   
and shakes her head] Even if it does seem to work....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[As he walks behind Mercury and holds his hands over her ears] Well, I haven't heard of any better ideas from you,   
yet. I'm certainly open to suggestions.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirking] Well, you could just keep her mind occupied with something else. You came up with a pretty good solution   
back at the village, Ryo-kun.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] Ami-chan and I am not going to put on a floor show for you, Haruka-san.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirk widening] Oh, don't try to tell me that you wouldn't enjoy it.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Smirks back] Then, I won't. [Glances back at Mercury] I'm just glad she can't hear what I'm saying....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Slyly] Why's that, Ryo-kun?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Grins at Knight's slight discomfiture] Come on, Haruka. Stop teasing him already.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Falls back to walk beside Knight and Mercury] They're still at it, Ryo-chan.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] When are they going to shut up? First, it was how a man could craft a working trebuchet with toothpicks, a   
bowstring and a coconut shell. Then, it was how one can use a cow's tongue to cure a headache. Then, using a block of blue   
cheese as a floatation device during a flood. [Shakes his head] Oh, but it has to be blue cheese, since swiss has too many   
holes and cheddar cheese just doesn't have the same buoyancy....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] Yeah, I thought that was pretty stupid as well.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
So, what're they talking about now?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Why don't you find out for yourself? I could tell you, but... it's just something you have to hear for yourself.   
Don't worry; I can take over for you.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods, then lets Jupiter take his place] Thanks, Mako-chan.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Blinks curiously] What's going on, Ryo-chan?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
I'm just going to see how bad the conversation's going. We can't have you going into another twitching fit, now can   
we?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Frowns] It was too horrible to think about. Witches are NOT made of wood!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods] That's why I'm going to check out what those idiots are talking about now. Probably some idiocy about how   
fermented avocadoes mixed in rice pudding can cure colds, or something.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
I was only kidding.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Faintly] Please don't say things like that, Ryo-chan.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Can you find out if we're almost there? I'm sure Ami-chan doesn't want to have to go through the entire fic with   
someone's hands on her ears.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Quietly] Can you please explain to me again why she can't put her own hands on her ears?  
  
Sailor Mercury/Neptune/Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Deadpan to Jupiter as she folds her arms] Was there a reason?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Looks like they forgot.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Defensively] It wasn't my fault. The chapter started out that way.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] Good point.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Covers her own ears] Don't worry, Ryo-chan. I can take care of it from now on. Just let me know when it's safe.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods as he starts to head over to where the other Senshi are walking] Right.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Grins as Knight approaches them] So, there you are, Ryo-kun. How's Ami-chan holding up?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shrugs] She's holding out fine. [Glances toward the cluster of knights in front] How are the lessons in medieval   
science going?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Frowns] Horribly. You know how the Earth is supposed to be round, right?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blinks, then frowns] Don't tell me that....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods and gestures toward Arthur and Bedevere] Listen for yourself.  
  
{Sailor Knight listens and starts to cringe slightly at hearing the blatent stupidity.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shudders] And I thought the bit about the cow tongue was bad....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Grimaces] Don't remind me. I'm getting queasy just thinking about it.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glances at Sailor Moon] You thought it was that stupid as well?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shakes her head] I just don't want to think about cow tongues. Disgusting!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Just be glad you weren't here for the discussion on how bunny tails could be used for proper dental hygiene.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] ...I don't want to know.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods understandingly] I get headaches just from thinking about it.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Hey, I think they're almost done.  
  
Bedevere:  
[To Arthur as they... ride] And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.  
  
King Arthur:  
[In astonishment] This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Deadpan] It amazes us, too.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Also deadpan] Only, in different ways.  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Bedevere] Explain again how sheep bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Bedevere:  
Oh, certainly, sir.  
  
Senshi:  
[Emphatically] NO!!!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Stops and points] Look, my liege!  
  
{All the knights reign in... well, themselves, and glance in the direction Launcelot pointed in. The Senshi stop as well   
and stare as well. Sailor Mercury tenatively removes her hands from her ears, but keeps them ready just in case.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Reverently] Camelot!  
  
Galahad:  
[Also reverently] Camelot!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Just as reverently] Camelot!  
  
Patsy:  
[Not reverently] It's only a model. [Shrugs]  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
You mean, we've been traveling all this time, just to get to a model of a castle?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
You mean, that's the legendary Camelot? A model?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
What is the ratio of size between that model and the original, I wonder?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Did somebody steal the real castle and leave a model in its place?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
We went through all that nonsense, just to reach a model? [Grins evilly] Is it flammable?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
You mean, I had to suffer through one big rock after another dropped on me, just to reach this stupid fake?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
I was almost burned at the stake for being a witch, and it was all just so we could reach this?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
What kind of stupidity is that idiot babbling about now? Can't he tell that's not a real castle? [To Neptune and   
Pluto] Please, remind me again of why we're doing this.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Calmly] Eventually, that idiot - as you so rightfully label him - will lead us to the Holy Grail. Right, Setsuna?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nods] That is correct. Until he finds the Holy Grail, all we can do is follow him wherever he or his knights go.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Blinks] Now we have to follow the whole lot of them? The moron with the crown was bad enough. When did 'he will   
lead you to the Holy Grail' become 'they will lead you to the Holy Grail?'  
  
{A sign appears with the words "When I changed it. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Evenly] I believe that answers your question.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Turns back toward the others] Shh! [Back to the knights] Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride   
to... Camelot!  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{Inside the grand hall of the castle of Camelot, the decor is pretty much what you would expect of any medieval castle, so I   
won't bore you with the details. A feast is currently underway and, as usual, there is singing and dancing. However, what is   
different about this certain castle and this certain feast is that the singing and dancing is certainly NOT what you'd   
expect from any medieval castle. How? Well... look for yourself.}  
  
Camelot Knights:  
[Singing]  
We're Knights of the Round Table.  
We dance whene'er we're able.  
We do routines and chorus scenes  
With footwork impec-cable.  
We dine well here in Camelot.  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.  
  
{And now, they dance.}  
  
We're Knights of the Round Table.  
Our shows are formid-able,  
But many times we're given rhymes  
That are quite unsing-able.  
We're opera mad in Camelot.  
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.  
  
{And now, once again, they dance.}  
  
Prisoner:  
[While hanging by his elbows in the castle dungeon] .... [Starts clapping in time to the music and smiling] ....   
[Clap, clap, clap, clap]  
  
{And now, after a pointless break from the dancing, they dance. They tap-dance. They play the drums using a pair of ladles   
for drumsticks and metal pots and a passing servant's head for drums. I bet that hurts. They break cheap imitation-rosewood   
tables as they dance. They dance the Can-can. Very nice. They do the Hokey-pokey and they turn themselves about, because,   
after all, that's what it's all about. At any rate, they cavort about like a bunch of.... Well, to make a long story short,   
they dance.}  
  
Camelot Knights:  
[Still singing]  
In war we're tough and able,  
Quite indefatig-able.  
Between our quests we sequin vests   
And impersonate Clark Gable.  
It's a busy life in Camelot.  
  
Solo Knight:  
[In a deep baritone voice]  
I have to push the pram a lot.  
  
{The big finish, and then we're done. Yay. Okay, now that that nonsense is over, back outside with the lot of you. Go on.   
Get going! What, are you still here? You have a story to continue reading! Go! GO NOW!!!}  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Senshi:  
[Very big sweatdrops] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Impassively as he turns to leave] Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.  
  
Knights:  
[Also impassively as they turn to follow him] Right, right....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[While she and the other Senshi are staring blankly at the Camelot model] What in the hell was THAT?!?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[To Mercury] Now don't you start THAT again!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Stops twitching] Sorry.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Starts to giggle] Actually....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glances at Sailor Moon] What's so funny, Usagi?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Gestures toward the model] All that. Didn't you find it funny?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Starts to giggle as well] Well.... Now that you mention it....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Also starts to giggle] And that dancing! And I thought I was bad....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Starts to laugh] Yeah, that was horrible! And that song!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Also starts to giggle] I certainly have to agree. Those rhymes were awful! Especially since they had to mispronounce   
some of the words to make them rhyme.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Knight] Ryo-oniichan, what's a pram?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Frowns in thought] I think you'll have to ask Minako-chan about that one. She'd know more about that than I would,   
since she's been in England before.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[As she stifles her giggles momentarily] Hotaru-chan, a pram is short for a perambulator, which is what they call a   
baby carriage.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Blinks in realization] Oh! So, that's what he meant by pushing a pram?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Still giggling] Hey... wouldn't it be funny if we started doing that? Just for fun?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Smirking] Well, why don't you?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Pauses for a moment, blinks, then grins] Yeah! Why not? [To the other Inner Senshi] You want to give it a try?  
  
Inner Senshi:  
All right!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] It is times like this that I'm glad that I've become an intermediary Senshi.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Blinks in realization] Oh, that's right! I keep thinking you're still an Inner Senshi.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
I haven't been an Inner Senshi since the Amazon Trio, Michiru-san. Well, not in the same way, at least.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[To the Inner Senshi] Ready?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] Why me?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Can I play along?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Cheerily] Yeah! Come on, Hotaru-chan! It'll be fun!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To Uranus and Neptune] Don't look at me like that. It's not my fault.  
  
Sailor Uranus/Neptune:  
[Flatly] Right....  
  
Inner Senshi/Sailor Saturn:  
[Singing]  
They're Knights of the Round Table.  
Straight out of some dumb fable.  
They get into fights with men in tights;  
Like stuff you'd see on cable.  
They all have fun in Camelot.  
They all go hop up and down a lot.  
  
{They all start to dance like idiots. While they do that, Knight, Uranus and Neptune all watch and sweatdrop.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Mortified] Please tell me they're not doing what I think they're doing.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Also mortified] I wish I could, Ryo-kun. I really wish I could.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirks] You know what? I bet people would pay to see this.  
  
Sailor Knight/Neptune:  
[Shocked] No!!!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Laughs] Suit yourselves. I'll just enjoy the show, then.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[With a placid, yet resigned expression on her face as she mutters to herself] Damn you, Jason-san. Why did you have   
to seal off my access to the timegate?  
  
{A sign appears in front of Pluto with the words "I'm not letting you off the hook that easily, Setsuna-san. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs] I'm not sure if I prefer all those years of guarding the timegate in solitude to this....  
  
{The Inner Senshi and Saturn stop their inane dancing and begin their next verse, much to the dismay of everyone present,   
including the knights with King Arthur, who have finally realized that they were being ridiculed. Took them long enough.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Frowns] It was because we were facing the opposite direction. We do not have eyes on the backs of our heads, you   
know.  
  
{A likely excuse.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Indignantly] It's true!  
  
{Whatever.}  
  
Prisoner:  
.... [Clap, clap, clap, clap]  
  
Sailor Knight/Neptune/Uranus:  
[Irritably] Now don't you start!!!  
  
Prisoner:  
[Stops clapping] Well, excuse me!  
  
Inner Senshi/Sailor Saturn:  
[Still singing]  
They're Knights of the Round Table.  
Their horses are invis-able.  
Their riding skills use coconut shells;  
They're mentally unstable.  
They're all nuts in Camelot....  
  
{They all look expectantly at Sailor Knight, who just gives them a blank look.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Warily] What? Don't tell me you want me to finish that stupid song?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Encouragingly] Come on, Ryo-kun!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Also encouragingly] It's fun! Come on!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Hey, we all did it. Even Hotaru-chan's having fun with us!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Smiling] Yes, this is so much fun! Come on, Ryo-oniichan!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Smirking] Come on, Ryo-chan. I know you want to do it. Just this last line, all right?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Smiling] Please do it, Ryo-chan. It'll make you feel so much better.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirking] Go on ahead, Ryo-kun. I promise I won't tease you about it later. Well... not too much.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Shakes her head] Haruka....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grins] What? You think I'm gonna let an opportunity to tease the guy just slip by like that?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Sighs] I give up.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nods] My sentiments exactly.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] Very well.  
  
{Sailor Knight clears his throat, shakes his head ruefully again, then begins.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Singing] I dress like Peter Pan a lot.  
  
All:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Also sweatdrops] What? [Defensively] Hey, I had to think of something that would rhyme! That was the first thing   
that came to mind. Stop looking at me like that.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] We never knew.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shakes her head] I'm so embarrassed.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Quickly] Hey! It's not true! I only SAID that since it rhymed!!!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Hugs Knight] Don't worry, Ryo-chan. I don't mind. I still love you.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Faintly] Why won't anyone believe me...?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Opens her mouth to say somethine, but stops] Nah....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[With an amazed expression] I'm surprised, Haruka. You're actually NOT going to tease him?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Shakes her head] No. It's just not fun when it's too easy.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Indignantly] I heard that!!!  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 5: The Quest for the Holy Grail  
  
Questions? Comments? Déjà vu?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	6. Chapter 5: The Quest for the Holy Grail

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 5: The Quest for the Holy Grail  
  
  
{After deciding to leave the silly place known as Camelot, King Arthur and the Sailor Senshi seemed to be wandering   
aimlessly, not really knowning what to do next.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Indignantly] We're not wandering aimlessly! We're following King Arthur!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods] That's right. They're the ones wandering aimlessly.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Crossly] That's not fair! We're waiting for the next part of the story to unfold. I mean, we can't just skip ahead.   
It's just not done. [Pauses] Besides, the author's the one in charge of the story's progress. It's different with characters   
like Dennis, but Jason.... [Grimaces] You want to try to force HIM to skip through the story?  
  
All:  
....  
  
Bedevere:  
[Nods sagely in agreement] There's no way we can force the story to continue, so we must wait until it happens.   
Please, be patient.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Mutters] It won't be easy, considering our present company.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] I'm sorry?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
I said.... [Sighs] Oh, never mind.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Idly kicks a small rock] So, what're we gonna do while we wait for the story to continue?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
I know! How about a game of Simon Says?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Flatly] Children's games. I don't think so.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[While pouting slightly] Why not?  
  
King Arthur:  
Because... [Nods his head toward Launcelot] Launcelot cheats.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Indignantly] I do not!  
  
Bedevere:  
You do so.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Still indignantly] I do not! Are you still sore over that last game?  
  
Galahad:  
[Accusingly] You moved your hands when King Arthur said 'Raise your hands' without saying 'Simon Says.' We all saw   
you do it.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Protesting] I tell you, I did no such thing!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly to Venus] Now look what you started.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Penitently] I'm so sorry.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Tiredly] Can things get any worse?  
  
{Suddenly, a loud thundering boom explodes within the clouds overhead. Everyone stares skyward as the clouds begin to open   
and angels begin to sing.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Neptune and Knight] Michiru-mama, Ryo-oniichan, what's happening?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To Neptune] You just had to go and say it, didn't you? Don't you know that asking if things can get any worse is   
just like inviting things to become worse?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Puts a hand to her head wearily] I'm sorry. I must've slipped.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Fatalistically] It doesn't matter. Things were bound to get worse anyway.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Frowns] What makes you say that, Setsuna-san?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Points skyward] That's why.  
  
{The Sailor Senshi all gasp as they recognize the face that had just appeared in the clouds.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[In disbelief] No way....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Also in disbelief] Can't be....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Also in disbelief] Impossible....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Also in disbelief] No. Anyone but him....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Whimpers] I wanna go home....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Worriedly clings to Neptune and Knight] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Scowls as he places a hand on Saturn's shoulder protectively] ....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Angrily clenches her fists] You....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Murmurs worriedly] I'm sorry I ever said anything....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs and shakes her head] From bad to Hell....  
  
King Arthur/Bedevere/Launcelot/Galahad:  
[Surprised] What the hell are YOU doing there?!?  
  
Jason:  
[Singing stops as he rubs the back of his head in chagrin] Oops.... Sorry about this. I'm having a bit of technical   
difficulty on my end, so I guess I'll have to fill in for now.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Furiously] It's bad enough that you have near god-like capabilities in this story, but do you have to play the part   
of GOD in this story, too? Are you trying to make some kind of point?!?  
  
Jason:  
[Frowns] Take it easy, Haruka-san. I said that I was having some technical difficulties. Some idiot decided to get   
into my laptop and mess around with it while I left the room. I'm still working on the problems, but I have most of it under   
control.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
So, that's why it took so long for this chapter to get started?  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] That's why. [Sighs] Look, if you want this chapter to get any closer to the end, you're gonna have to work   
with me on this, okay? [Grimaces] I don't exactly relish the idea of playing God, despite what the rest of you may think.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nods] That would be fine with us.  
  
Jason:  
All right, then. [Clears his throat and waits for the thunder to boom again] Arthur, King of the Britons! [Waits]   
.... [Frowns] You're supposed to be groveling.  
  
King Arthur/Bedevere/Launcelot/Galahad:  
[Exchanges looks and sighs] Fine.... [Kneels down to grovel]  
  
Jason:  
[Upset] Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand is people groveling.  
  
King Arthur/Bedevere/Launcelot/Galahad:  
[While giving Jason a flat stare] .... [Flatly] You just told us to grovel.  
  
Jason:  
Don't get upset. I'm just following the script.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Chuckling to herself] You know, if he keeps this up, I might start to forgive him.  
  
King Arthur:  
[While exchanging put upon looks with the rest of the knights] Sorry.  
  
Jason:  
[While thunder booms] And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry' this and 'forgive me'   
that and 'I'm not worthy.'  
  
King Arthur:  
[Testily] Look, can you do us a favor and get to the point?  
  
{Jason points to a spot just above King Arthur, causing a big rock to appear. King Arthur quickly dives out of the way while   
the Knights try to pretend that they don't share King Arthur's impatience.}  
  
Jason:  
[While grinning] I'm sorry, did you ask me something?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[While laughing out loud] I think I'm beginning to like this guy.  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks] I aim to please. [Gives King Arthur a significant look] Well?  
  
{King Arthur sighs and starts to avert his eyes.}  
  
Jason:  
[While thunder booms again] What are you doing now?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Mutters under his breath] Like you don't know.... [Out loud] I'm averting my eyes. [Winces as Jason frowns and   
starts to point again] ...O, Lord.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods and grins] Better. [Seriously] Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms - they're so depressing. Now,   
knock it off!  
  
King Arthur:  
Yes, Lord.  
  
Jason:  
Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in   
these dark times.  
  
King Arthur:  
[With faked enthusiasm] Good idea, O Lord!  
  
Jason:  
[Frowns and speaks quietly] I shall ignore that mocking tone of voice. [In a normal tone] Of course it's a good   
idea! Behold!  
  
{Angels begin to sing as the image of a shining grail appears overhead.}  
  
Jason:  
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Frowns] Are you sure that's the Holy Grail? It looks different from the one I used to have.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shocked] You used to possess the Holy Grail?!?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nods] Yeah. But it was destroyed some time ago... or, so we thought. That's why we're here; to look for the Holy   
Grail. [Frowns again] But, this one looks way different....  
  
Jason:  
[Cuts them off] Never mind that. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your   
purpose, Arthur - the quest for the Holy Grail. [Singing stops and thunder booms as the cloud begin to close and he begins   
to disappear along with the image of the grail]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Um, excuse me!  
  
Jason:  
[Clouds open again] What is it?  
  
  
Sailor Moon:  
After King Arthur finds the Holy Grail, can we have it? I mean, you said he has to seek the Holy Grail. You never   
said he had to keep it.  
  
King Arthur:  
Now, wait a minute....  
  
Jason:  
Well... okay. After all, that's why I brought you here, isn't it? [Thunder booms as the clouds close and he   
disappears]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Happily] Thanks!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Frowns] Well, isn't this just wonderful? We have to find it, but we can't keep it.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "You got a problem with that? -Jason" on it.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shakes his head vigorously] No! No problem!  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Good. Now say your lines. -Jason" on it.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighs again] Slave driver.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Enthusiastically] A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!  
  
Galahad:  
[Also enthusiastically] God be praised!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Whatever. Can we go now?  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{And so, the quest for the Holy Grail finally was underway... and about time, too. All that precursory nonsense was starting   
to get on my nerves. At any rate, the Knights of the Round Table and the Sailor Senshi all started on their journey to find   
the Holy Grail... but, I said that already, didn't I? Anyway, their journey led them south toward yet another castle. The   
fog from earlier had risen up again, but it wasn't as bad as before. Only a small thin layer of mist. Not much for obscuring   
vision, but quite enough for visual effect... that is, if this was a movie. The whole lot of you are just going to have to   
make due with using your imaginations, so I don't want to have to hear any complaining. I get enough of that with the Sailor   
Senshi.}  
  
Senshi:  
[Indignantly] Hey!  
  
{At any rate, after the whole crowd makes their way to the castle King Arthur signals for everyone to halt.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Raising his hand in the air] Halt!  
  
{Patsy quickly rushes forward and raises a long medieval trumpet to his lips and blows, making a noise that is just barely   
recognizable as coming from a medieval trumpet.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Calls out to the castle] Hallo! [Waits, then signals for Patsy to blow again] Hallo!  
  
{Finally, in response to his hailing, a single, funny-looking guard with a stupid, fake-looking handlebar moustache pops his   
head over the wall.}  
  
Guard:  
[Indignantly] I am not funny-looking! And this moustache is real! Now, go soak your head, you silly narrator-type   
person! I wave my uncovered bottom at you!  
  
{...um, okay... [Sweatdrops] I think we'll just leave it at that.}  
  
Guard:  
[Turns to stare down at King Arthur] Allo! Who is it?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Loudly] It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?  
  
Guard:  
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Curiously] Guy de Loimbard? That sounds... French.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Perplexed] French? But, we're in England, right?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignoring the Senshi] Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God-  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirking] Or, at least, a person with god-like abilities.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignoring Uranus] -with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our   
quest for the Holy Grail.  
  
Guard:  
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh... he's already got one, you see.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks and turns to the other Knights] What?  
  
Galahad:  
[Surprised] He says they've already got one!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] There's no way that it's that easy. There's gotta be a catch somewhere.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Oh, don't be so pessimistic, Ryo-kun.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. You think Jason-san's going to let us off that easy?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Nods] He's right. Something's bound to happen.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Turns back to the Guard] Are you sure he's got one?  
  
Guard:  
[Nods] Oh, yes. It's very nice. [Ducks down and whispers toward the other guards who are hiding out of sight] I told   
him we already got one.  
  
Other guards:  
[Chuckling] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Glances uncertainly toward the other Knights] Well... um, can we come up and have a look?  
  
Guard:  
[Rudely] Of course not! You are English types!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To Sailor Moon] See?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Exchanges confused glances with the other Knights] Well, what are you, then?  
  
Guard:  
[Proudly] I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?!?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
You forget, this is a written story. The readers can't really tell that you have an accent, since they can't hear   
you.  
  
French guard:  
[Blinks] Eh? [Frowns] Oh. I forgot.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Galahad:  
[Insistantly] What are you doing in England?  
  
French guard:  
[Curtly] Mind your own business!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Growing impatient and angry as he draws his sword] If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by   
force!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Flatly] I hope that he realizes that when he says 'we', that doesn't include us.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shrugs] I'm sure he'll find out soon enough.  
  
French guard:  
[Tauntingly] You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons and daughters of a silly person!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Upset] Now, wait a minute! We're not English! We're Japanese! Don't include us with them!  
  
French guard:  
[Frowns uncertainly] Japanese? What are you doing in England?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Grins] Mind your own business!  
  
French guard:  
[Tauntingly again] Fine, then! I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King; you and all your silly English and   
Japanese kniggets! [Sticks his tongue out at them]  
  
Galahad:  
[Frowns] What a strange person.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Pluto] Setsuna-mama, what is a knigget?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shakes her head] I'm not sure I even want to know, Hotaru-chan.  
  
Senshi:  
[Looking at Mercury] ....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Also shaking her head] I don't know, either.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Shakes her head] The same goes for me, and I think Ryo-kun as well.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods] I don't have a clue, either, but I'm pretty sure it's not a complement.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Flatly] I think we've figured at least that much, Ryo-kun.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] Pardon me for trying to help.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Impatiently] Now look here, my good man....  
  
French guard:  
[Cuts King Arthur off] I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in   
your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Puzzled] What are elderberries? I've never heard of those.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Frowns] I think he's just making things up now.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Irritated] He's taunting us like a little kid would!  
  
Galahad:  
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?  
  
French guard:  
[Curtly] No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Frowns] Fair enough. Let's go. [Turns to leave]  
  
King Arthur:  
[Angrily] Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.  
  
French guard:  
[Turns and whispers to the other guards] Fetchez la vache.  
  
Other French guard:  
[Confused] Quoi?  
  
French guard:  
[Whispering] Fetchez la vache. [Leaves the wall]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To King Arthur] Just forget them and let's go. I'm sure it's not here.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignoring Knight] If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall.... [Trails off after hearing a loud twong sound   
accompanied by a loud mooing sound]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Pauses and glances up apprehensively] Did I just hear a 'moo'?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Looks up and sees a huge cow overhead] Christ!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] Not again....  
  
{Everyone quickly begins to run away from the falling cow. Everyone manages to take cover, except for one of the servants,   
who gets crushed underneath the massive bovine.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Puts a hand to her mouth] How horrible....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shakes her head] Crushed underneath a huge cow. What a terrible way to go....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Points] Wait. I don't think he's dead.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Looks] I think you're right, Hotaru-chan.  
  
Patsy:  
Well, the cast was small enough as it was. We couldn't well go off and start killing characters left and right, now   
could we?  
  
Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Raises his sword] Right. Charge! [Runs toward the castle while yelling]  
  
Knights:  
[Also raising their swords] Charge! [Runs toward the castle while yelling]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Waves] Have fun sacking the castle! Bring us back something, will you?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks] Presents?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Looks at Sailor Moon] I was making a joke, Usagi-chan.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Disappointed] Oh.  
  
{As King Arthur and the Knights charge the castle, all of the French guards start tossing various barnyard animals over the   
castle walls at them... but, no more cows, thankfully. Mostly small animals like chickens and a few piglets. Nevertheless,   
the Knights have to go through complete mayhem just to reach the castle.}  
  
French guard:  
Hey, this one is for your mother! [Tosses a chicken at King Arthur] There you go!  
  
{The Knights reach the castle and start laying into it with their swords. Unfortunately, they had neglected to take into   
account that four sharpened 3½-meter lengths of steel - or even their plastic equivalents - would not make much of a scratch   
in a 5-meter thick wall of stone.}  
  
French guard:  
And this one's for your dad! [Tosses a piglet at King Arthur]  
  
{After realizing what an utterly stupid situation that he and his Knights were in, King Arthur decides to follow the most   
logical decision that he could think of in a situation like this. In short....}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shouting] Run away! [Runs away]  
  
Knights:  
[Also shouting] Run away! [Also runs away]  
  
{As King Arthur and the Knights run away, the lead French guard sticks his tongue out at the fleeing Knights while the other   
French guards continue taunting. As the Knights take cover again, they are chagrined and annoyed to find Sailor Knight and   
Sailor Uranus in a fit of laughter at their expense. Both Senshi were just barely supporting each other while the others   
merely stared at the Senshi with varying degrees of amusement, annoyance, or even stoicism.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Worried] Haruka-papa, Ryo-oniichan, if you two don't stop laughing so hard, you might die from lack of oxygen.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Laughing while leaning against Uranus] Maybe... Hotaru-chan... but... at least... I'll... die happy!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Laughing while leaning against Knight] Kami-sama...! I haven't... laughed... so hard... since... I watched...   
Ryo-kun... try to... teach... Usagi... martial arts!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Indignantly] Hey! I wasn't that bad! [To the other Senshi] Was I?  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Launcelot:  
[Angrily] Fiends! I'll tear them apart! [Starts for the castle again, but King Arthur holds him back]  
  
King Arthur:  
[Quickly] No, no. No, no.  
  
Bedevere:  
[As Launcelot settles down] Sir! I have a plan, sir!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Dryly] Oh, this should be interesting.... [Glances back at Uranus and Knight and sees that they're still laughing,   
and glares irritably] Oh, would you two just shut up already!  
  
{After a good length of time had passed and Uranus and Knight had finally gotten over their laughing fit, Bedevere explained   
his plan to the Knights and the Senshi, since he wanted their help in executing it. With some reluctance - and some   
indignation on Sailor Moon's part - they finally decided to help, since they didn't want to stay there any longer than they   
had to. Besides, it also gave them something to do besides waiting for the Knights to finish.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Irritably] I still say that we should chose something different.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Sighs in vexation] Give up, Usagi. You were completely outvoted, so just deal with it.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Grumbles] Fine.  
  
{As the lead French guard stood scanning the countryside for a sign that the Knights had returned, he began to hear some   
strange sounds coming from the copse of trees that stood not too far from the castle, where the Knights had retreated to.   
The sounds of sawing wood filled the air, accompanied by clunks and bangs and squeaking. A drill whirred, and more sawing   
and clunking and crashing and banging and clanging followed.}  
  
Male voice from within the trees:  
[Bang] AAAAAAH!!!  
  
Female voice from within the trees:  
[Concernedly] Oh! I'm so sorry, Ryo-kun! I didn't see your hand there!  
  
{After all the noises ceased, the French guard watched as the Knights and the Senshi pushed a huge wooden structure on   
wheels toward the castle entrance. The large rabbit-shaped wooden structure - complete with fabric floppy ears - squeaked   
and creaked as it was pushed up toward the castle entrance and then abandoned as the Knights and the Senshi ran back to   
where they had first taken cover.}  
  
French guard:  
[Ducks back behind the wall and whispers to the other guards] C'est un lapin; lapin de bois. [Goes down to the   
castle entrance and opens up the door and pokes his head out along with the other guards]  
  
Other French guard:  
[Puzzled] Quoi?  
  
French guard:  
Un cadeau.  
  
Other French guard:  
[Puzzled] What?  
  
French guard:  
A present.  
  
Other French guard:  
[Nods] Oh, un cadeau.  
  
French guard:  
[Nods] Oui, oui. Allons-y.  
  
Other French guard:  
[Confused] What?  
  
French guard:  
Let's go.  
  
Other French guard:  
Oh.  
  
French guard:  
[Frowns as he and the other guards surround the wooden rabbit] For a French guard, your French sucks.  
  
Other French guard:  
Shut up.  
  
French guard:  
On y va. Bon magne. [Looks to the other French guard] Over here....  
  
{The other French guard gives him a dirty look as all the guards begin to push the wooden rabbit into the castle and close   
the door behind them.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[As he and the others all poke their heads up to watch the guards go into the castle] What happens now?  
  
Bedevere:  
[Oblivious to the flat looks the Senshi are giving him] Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until   
nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. [Eagerly] Not only by surprise, but totally   
unarmed!  
  
King Arthur:  
[While suddenly realizing that something had gone wrong, especially from the sighs of vexation coming from the   
Senshi] Who leaps out?  
  
Bedevere:  
[While pointing to each in turn] Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh.... [Finally   
realizes his slip]  
  
King Arthur:  
[While he and the other Knights shake their heads in vexation] Ohh....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Sighs] So much for the Trojan Rabbit.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirks at Sailor Moon] You mean, the Trojan Usagi.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Testily] Okay, so my name means 'rabbit'! I still say we should've used a different animal.  
  
Bedevere:  
[Undaunted] Oh. Um, look. If we built this large wooden badger.... [Gets cut off as King Arthur smacks him upside   
the head]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glances up as the sound of something heavy being catapulted into the air reaches them] Did any of you hear a loud   
'twong' sound just then?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Looks up to see the Trojan Rabbit hurtling through the air at them] Run away!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Eyes widen] Good idea.  
  
All:  
[While running away] Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!  
  
{As everyone ran away, the Trojan Rabbit finally hit the ground, crashing on top of the poor, unlucky servant the cow had   
smashed not too long ago. Everyone was too busy to notice as they ran from the possibility of another aerial assault and the   
taunting laughter of the French guards.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[While running] The resting place of the Holy Grail surely cannot be within the walls of that damned place. Surely   
it must be elsewhere.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] You think? I could've told you that.  
  
{Since they were a safe distance from the castle, everyone slowed down and came to a stop.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Pointedly ignoring Knight] Well then, we shall search elsewhere.  
  
Galahad:  
[Curiously] But where, sire?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Frowns in thought] I shall have to think about that. [Turns to leave] Come. We shall ride and think about the   
course of action to take. [Hops away with the Knights and servants following, leaving the Senshi to walk behind them]  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Well, on the bright side, at least we're finally searching for the Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Sighs] Yes, but it looks like it's going to be a long search.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs and frowns] Isn't it always?  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 6: The Tale of Sir Robin  
  
Questions? Comments? Do you have any idea what the hell a knigget is?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	7. Chapter 6: The Tale of Sir Robin

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 6: The Tale of Sir Robin  
  
  
Narrator:  
[Points] So, you want me to stand here?  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Yes. We don't have a Historian since the person to was supposed to play that part was kidnapped, so I'll need   
you to handle that part for me.  
  
Narrator:  
[Eyes widen] Kidnapped?!? How horrible. Do you know by who?  
  
Jason:  
[Grimaces] You wouldn't believe me if I told you.  
  
Narrator:  
No, really. Who?  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs] All right.... He was kidnapped by Elvis impersonators.  
  
Narrator:  
....  
  
Jason:  
I told you you wouldn't believe me.  
  
Narrator:  
[Astonished look] Elvis impersonators???  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] I didn't believe it either... until I saw the cat driving the getaway car.  
  
Narrator:  
....  
  
Jason:  
[Seriously] Really. Ask the witnesses; one of them said that they caught the name of the cat driving the getaway   
car. I believe his name was Toonces.  
  
Narrator:  
[Skeptically] ...so, how many drinks did you have before starting this chapter?  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks] Only three. Why?  
  
Narrator:  
[Nods] I thought as much. That's....  
  
{Narrator is interrupted as a car pulls up toward them while the passenger in the front seat rolls down the window.   
Inside, three Elvis impersonators are riding in the passenger seats while a white and orange calico cat is at the wheel.}  
  
Elvis Impersonator:  
[In an Elvis-like voice] Um, excuse me, but could you tell us where we are?  
  
Narrator:  
[Boggling] ....  
  
Jason:  
This is England, 932 A.D.  
  
Elvis Impersonator:  
[Still in his Elvis voice] You mean, this ain't Vegas?  
  
Narrator:  
[Still boggling] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Shakes head] Sorry, wrong country, continent, and era.  
  
Elvis Impersonator:  
[Frowns] Damn cat. I told you we should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque, Toonces!  
  
Toonces:  
[Testily] Meow!  
  
Narrator:  
[Finishes boggling, then decides to boggle some more for good measure] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Casually] By the way, where's that guy you people took with you a while ago?  
  
Elvis Impersonator:  
[Elvis voice] You mean that historian-type person? We let him go a long time ago. He said he was goin' home and   
taking the rest of the year off. I think he mentioned something about mental therapy.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] I see. Well, then.... [Whips out laptop and types for a bit, then points] Just go down that road over there   
until you reach the stoplight, then make a left until you reach the tunnel. Follow that road and you'll eventually get to   
where you're going.  
  
Elvis Impersonator:  
[Elvis voice] Thank you. Thank you very much. [To Toonces] Hit it, Toonces!  
  
Toonces:  
Meow! [Honks horn as they drive off]  
  
{As the car drives down the road and out of sight, the Narrator finishes boggling and stares at Jason with a perplexed look   
on his face.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Confused] What was that all about? You do realize that that whole sequence had absolutely nothing to do with Sailor   
Moon or Monty Python and the Holy Grail, don't you?  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] You catch on pretty quick, don't you?  
  
Narrator:  
[Flatly] You are quite insane, you know.  
  
Jason:  
[Grins with a crazed, devilish look in his eyes] Really? I've never noticed. [Chuckles madly for a few seconds, then   
gives the Narrator a flat, normal look] At any rate, I want you to stand there and read the historian's lines. After that,   
we can get on with the story.  
  
Narrator:  
[Sweatdrops] ...okay. [Mutters to himself] How in the hell did I end up working for a lunatic, anyway?  
  
Jason:  
[Flatly] I heard that.  
  
Narrator:  
....  
  
Jason:  
[Starts to fade away] Just follow the damn script, all right? I wanna keep this story moving. [Grumbles as he fades   
away completely]  
  
Narrator:  
[Snorts indignantly] Fine, then. [Clears throat and turns toward the reader] Defeat at the castle seems to have   
utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became   
convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion.   
Arthur, having consulted his closest knights... and reluctantly, the Sailor Senshi as well, decided that they should   
separate and search for the Grail individually.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Indignantly] We heard that!!!  
  
{As the Narrator stoically ignored the retort from the Sailor Senshi, he failed to notice the sound of a horse's gallop   
steadly coming closer toward him.}  
  
Narrator:  
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot-  
  
Narrator's Wife:  
Frank!!!  
  
Jason:  
Oh, damn. Great. Since the narrator's dead from some stupid knight on a horse performing a medieval drive-by on him,   
the parts in brackets have stopped as well. I'd better whip out the ol' laptop and start working on this....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
(Laptop: As the Sailor Senshi rush in following after the Narrator's wife) Oh, my God! They killed the narrator!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
You bastards!  
  
Narrator's Wife:  
(Laptop: As the Narrator's wife clutches the Narrator's hand) Frank!!!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
(Laptop: As she reads over my shoulder as I type this line) What are you doing, Jason-san?  
  
Jason:  
(Laptop: As I type this line as I turn toward Sailor Merc) Why the hell am I typing this as I'm performing the   
action? Anyway, I'm typing in the actions as they happen, since the narrator's supposed to be the one supplying the parts   
in brackets. Since he's slightly dead at the moment, I'm stepping in and adding those parts until I can get a new narrator.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
(Laptop: Blinks and frowns in confusion as she watches me type out her actions) That seems slighty... tedious, don't   
you think? Not to mention strange....  
  
Jason:  
(Laptop: As I) Oh, hell with it! We'll just be without the parts in brackets for a while.  
  
Narrator's wife:  
Call an ambulance! Call the police!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Where's a phone?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
How should I know?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
I wasn't asking you, I was asking her.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
I don't know, either.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
No, I was asking her!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Me?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
No! Her! Can't you see who I'm pointing to?!?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Actually, we can't. This is a work of fiction in a psuedo-script format. Unless we can read the action, we won't   
know who is doing what.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
So, I could be flipping Jason-kun off right now and he wouldn't know about it?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Not unless you tell him what you're doing.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Why are you looking at me like that, Setsuna-san.... Oh.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Ryo-chan....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
No, Usagi. I don't know, either.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Not you! Her!!!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Hell if I know where the phone's at. I thought this was supposed to be 932 A.D.?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
...oh, yeah. Well, why don't you tell her that?!?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Tell who that?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!  
  
Jason:  
Hello? Yes, my name is Jason Ulloa. I'd like to hire a temp narrator for my work. You see, the previous one died   
because.... Ride-by slashing.... No, I don't know if he was insured.... Yes, I'll hold.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Narrator:  
[Uncertainly] You just want me to read the lines to the readers?  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] That's it. Don't worry; I'm sure that whatever happened to the last narrator won't happen to you.  
  
Narrator:  
[Still uncertainly] Whatever you say. I just hope you don't mind if I take out a life insurance policy in case a   
rampaging berserker knight decides to perform a ride-by slashing on me as well.  
  
Jason:  
[Frowns] As you wish. At any rate, please continue from Scene 10. [Fades away]  
  
Narrator:  
Scene 10, huh? [Reads and flips through the script] Ah, here we are. [Clears throat] The Tale of Sir Robin.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by   
Sailor Mercury, Sailor Neptune, Sailor Saturn and his favorite minstrels. Sir Robin was currently riding in the lead with   
his minstrels following closely behind. Sailor Mercury, Sailor Neptune and Sailor Saturn were all following a short distance   
behind, talking amongst themselves.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Thoughtfully] I wonder how Haruka-papa, Ryo-oniichan, and the others are doing?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Quite an interesting grouping it turned out to be, don't you think, Ami-chan?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Nods] I agree. I would've expected Ryo-chan and Haruka-san to pair up and go with Sir Galahad, but for Usagi-chan,   
Rei-chan AND Setsuna-san to go with King Arthur and Sir Bedevere?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
And for Mako-chan and Minako-chan to go with Sir Launcelot.... [Chuckles] Well, I suppose those two can keep him   
from going overboard too far.  
  
{As the three Sailor Senshi moved closer toward the group in front, they could hear the song that the singing minstrel was   
singing in... honor of Sir Robin.}  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing]  
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.  
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.  
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,  
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!  
  
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,  
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,  
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away  
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!  
  
His head smashed in and his heart cut out  
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged  
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off  
And his pen-  
  
Robin:  
[Uneasily as the three Sailor Senshi sweatdrop] That's... that's, uh... that's enough music for now, lads. [Laughs   
uneasily, they glances around] Looks like there's dirty work afoot.  
  
{A pair of familiar-looking peasants walk by as the group rides... or rather, hops by.}  
  
Dennis:  
[Insistant] Anarcho-sydnicalism is a way of preserving freedom.  
  
Woman:  
[Dismissively] Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.  
  
{As the group makes their way around the two peasants in order to avoid a possible political discussion - since the last   
attempt at a humorous political sketch in the second chapter didn't go as well as was hoped - they are suddenly stopped by   
a large, three-headed knight standing in their path carrying a very large sword.}  
  
Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:  
Halt!  
  
{One of the minstrels plays a dramatic chord on his lute. Another minstrel promptly smacks the previous minstrel in the back   
of the head for being an idiot.}  
  
Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:  
[Ignoring the minstrels] Who art thou?  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-  
  
Robin:  
[Cutting him off] Shut up! [Nervously to the three-headed knight] Um... n-n-nobody, really. I'm j-j-just passing   
through.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Gestures to herself, then to Neptune and Saturn] I'm Sailor Mercury and they are Sailor Neptune and Sailor Saturn.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
We are also just passing through.  
  
Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:  
What do you want?  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] To fight and-  
  
Robin:  
[Cutting him off] Shut up! [Nervously to the three-headed knight] Um... ah, nothing. Nothing, really. I... uh...   
j-j-just... just to... um... just to p-pass through, good Sir Knight.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
The same goes for us, as well. We wish to pass through.  
  
Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:  
I'm afraid not.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Frowning] May I ask why not?  
  
Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:  
[Flatly] Because we said so.  
  
Robin:  
Ah. W-well, actually I.... I am a Knight of the Round Table.  
  
Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:  
[As all three heads swerve toward him at once] You're a Knight of the Round Table?  
  
Robin:  
[Confidently] I am.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Wryly] As astonishing as it may be.  
  
Left Head:  
In that case, I shall have to kill you.  
  
Middle Head:  
[As Sir Robin visibly pales and the other three Senshi exchange looks] Shall I?  
  
Right Head:  
Oh, I don't think so.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Michiru-mama, Ami-chan, is that man really arguing with himself?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Shakes her head] I'm not sure what to make of this.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Sighs] And things are supposed to get worse, too....  
  
Middle Head:  
Well, what do I think?  
  
Left Head:  
[Insistantly] I think kill him.  
  
Right Head:  
Oh, let's be nice to him.  
  
Left Head:  
[To Right Head] Oh, shut up!  
  
Robin:  
[Uneasily] Perhaps I could-  
  
Left Head:  
[To Robin] And you. [To Right Head] Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!  
  
Right Head:  
[Irritably] Oh, cut your own head off!  
  
Middle Head:  
[Nods] Yes, do us all a favor!  
  
Left Head:  
[Frowns] What?  
  
Right Head:  
Yapping on all the time.  
  
Middle Head:  
[Rolling his eyes] You're lucky. You're not next to him.  
  
Left Head:  
[Frowns] What do you mean?  
  
Middle Head:  
[Pointedly] You snore!  
  
Left Head:  
No, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.  
  
Middle Head:  
Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.  
  
Right Head:  
[Irritably] Oh, stop complaining and let's go have tea.  
  
Left Head:  
[Relenting] Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.  
  
Middle Head:  
Yes.  
  
Right Head:  
Oh, not biscuits.  
  
Left Head:  
[Sighs] All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.  
  
Left Head/Middle Head/Right Head:  
[All nodding at the same time] Right!  
  
{The three-headed knight turned to face Sir Robin, only to find that he, his minstrels, and the three Sailor Senshi have   
all left.}  
  
Middle Head:  
[Surprised] He buggered off.  
  
Right Head:  
So he has.  
  
{As Sir Robin and the rest of the group rode... or rather, hopped away, the minstrel continued to play his song for Sir   
Robin... only slightly modified.}  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away-  
  
Robin:  
[Indignantly] No!  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] Bravely ran away, away.  
  
Robin:  
[Still indignantly] I didn't!  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.  
  
Robin:  
[In adamant denial] No!  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about-  
  
Robin:  
[Still in denial] I didn't!  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet-  
  
Robin:  
[Still absolutely refusing to get over it] I never did!  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] He beat a very brave retreat-  
  
Robin:  
[To anyone who is even bothering to listen to him] All lies!  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.  
  
Robin:  
[Refusing to shut up] I never!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[To Sailor Neptune] Do you think that going with him was a good idea?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Grimaces] It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now I think that it was a complete waste of time.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Michiru-mama, why did we run away? We could've handled that knight easily.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
I know, Hotaru-chan, but I don't think we can just use our powers like that. Our powers are for fighting demons   
like youma, Daimons, Lemures, and the like. Not for humans. [Grimaces again] Not even three-headed ones.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Nods] I see.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Sighs] At any rate, we should continue with our search. [Glances over at Sir Robin] Still, I wish Ryo-chan was   
here. Even if we shouldn't use our powers here, he still has the Ginzuishouken. His sword would be more than enough to   
handle things without having to use his powers.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Nods] I know, but he's with Haruka and Sir Galahad. Not here. [Glances toward the horizon thoughtfully] Still, I   
wonder how those two are doing....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Grins] I'm not worried, Michiru-mama. After all, Haruka-papa is with Ryo-oniichan. With those two together, and   
with Sir Galahad, what could possibly happen?  
  
Sailor Mercury/Neptune:  
[While exchanging looks] What, indeed...?  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{A bunny slowly hops into view.}  
  
Bunny:  
[Politely] Um, excuse me.  
  
Jason:  
Yes?  
  
Bunny:  
I couldn't help but notice that this chapter didn't have any bunnies in it.  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks and reads through the chapter] Hmm.... I didn't notice. Thanks for pointing that out.  
  
Bunny:  
[Nods] You're welcome, but I have something else I want to ask you.  
  
Jason:  
What is it?  
  
Bunny:  
[Tilts head inquisitively] Are you insane or something?  
  
Jason:  
[Sweatdrops] .... [Frowns] What do you mean by that?!?  
  
Bunny:  
Well, for one, since when do cats drive?  
  
Jason:  
When I say they do.  
  
{A car suddenly drives by with a familiar white and orange calico cat at the wheel.}  
  
Toonces:  
[While honking the horn] Meow! Meow!  
  
{The car with the cat driver drives offscreen.}  
  
Jason:  
[Points] See?  
  
Bunny:  
[Sweatdrops] But that has nothing to do with Sailor Moon or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  
  
Jason:  
[Raises an eyebrow] So?  
  
Bunny:  
[Shakes head] If you're going to write a Sailor Moon/Monty Python and the Holy Grail parody, you have to remember to   
stick with the two shows you're parodying. A driving cat and Elvis impersonators don't exactly fit into those categories.   
They don't even make any sense.  
  
Jason:  
This is a parody. It doesn't have to make sense... and it more than likely won't.  
  
Bunny:  
[Flatly] I feel sorry for the readers of this story.  
  
Jason:  
They've been warned. The reading of this story is purely voluntary and any brain damage resulting from reading this   
story is not the fault of the author.  
  
Bunny:  
[Sweatdrops] Brain damage?  
  
Jason:  
Just in case.  
  
Bunny:  
[Sweatdrops] Anyway, there is just one more thing that makes me wonder whether you are insane or not.  
  
Jason:  
[Frowns again] Which is?  
  
Bunny:  
You're talking to me. [Smirks] Silly human. You know that bunnies can't talk.  
  
Jason:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Bunny:  
Poor Jason. You've been writing so much that you're beginning to think that I can talk.  
  
Jason:  
But you ARE talking!  
  
Bunny:  
No, I'm not. This's all in your mind. [Giggles] See? My mouth isn't even moving.  
  
Jason:  
[Scowls] Now look here.... [Pauses, then grins maliciously]  
  
Bunny:  
[Giggles some more] Maybe you should seek some professional help before.... H-hey!!!  
  
{Jason comes back from offscreen carrying Chibiusa in under one arm.}  
  
Jason:  
[Irritably] I thought that bunny's voice sounded familiar. [Watched as the bunny turns back into the Luna-P ball and   
frowns at Chibiusa as he puts her down] I thought we made it clear that you weren't supposed to be in this story!  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Whining] That's not fair, Jason-san! I'm a Sailor Senshi, too!  
  
Jason:  
[Flatly] In training.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Insistantly] But, I'm still a Senshi!  
  
Jason:  
[Sternly] I said no. Now be a good girl and go back home, before I send you back home in a most unpleasant way.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Blinks] What do you mean by 'unpleasant'?  
  
{Jason bends down to whisper in Chibiusa's ear. As he does, her eyes grow wider and wider and her expression turns fearful.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Whispers] You wouldn't....  
  
Jason:  
[Grins] Not unless you test me.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Nods] All right. I'll go. [Pouts] I still think that this isn't fair.  
  
Jason:  
[Dryly] Would you like the alternative?  
  
{Chibiusa promptly dashes out.}  
  
Jason:  
[Grins] That's a good girl.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 7: The Tale of Sir Galahad  
  
Questions? Comments? Doubts about the author's sanity?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	8. Chapter 7: The Tale of Sir Galahad

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 7: The Tale of Sir Galahad  
  
  
Narrator:  
And now, the Tale of Sir Galahad.  
  
{A knocking sound is suddenly heard off-screen.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Blinks] Eh? What the hell...?  
  
{The narrator walks off-screen and answers the door, only to be knocked over by Chibiusa, who dashes by carrying a small,   
thin, rectangular object tucked under one arm, then slams the door behind her and locks it.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Grumbles as she gets to her feet] Hey, you mind moving the camera?  
  
{The Narrator, Chibiusa, and the door she had just ran through and locked all pan on-screen.}  
  
Narrator:  
Thank you. [To Chibiusa] What are you doing here? I thought you weren't supposed to be in this fic, Chibiusa-chan.   
[Notices the object under Chibiusa's arm and pales] That's not what I think it is, is it?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Grins mischeviously as she sets the thin, rectangular object on a nearby table] Yeah. I got Jason-san's laptop!  
  
Narrator:  
[Apprehensively] Does he know you have it?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Giggles] Not yet. I swiped it when he left to go use the bathroom. The idiot forgot to lock his shop before he   
left, so I thought I'd play a little practical joke on him. Besides, it serves him right for keeping me out of this fic!  
  
Narrator:  
You know he's going to be quite incensed with you for stealing his laptop. He does all his writing on that thing.   
It's pretty much his most prized possession.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Grins widely] Yeah, isn't it great? [Boots up laptop and starts looking through his files]  
  
Narrator:  
[Flatly] Do the words 'death wish' mean anything to you, Chibiusa-chan?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Reading aloud] Sailor Moon fics... Ranma½ fics... Evangelion fics... Tenchi Muyo fics... one Love Hina fic... one   
Excel Saga fic.... Boy, this guy does a LOT of reading! No wonder he wears glasses.   
  
Narrator:  
[Laughs softly to herself] ....  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Continues her browsing] I wonder what else he has here.... Japanese dictionary program, Office 2000, DVD player....   
Hmm... I wonder how big his DVD library is? Knowing him, it'd probably be all anime. [Grins wickedly] I wonder if he's got   
anything naughty in here....  
  
Narrator:  
[Warningly] Chibiusa-chan....  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Sighs] I know, I know.... PG. [Looks around some more] Hey!  
  
Narrator:  
[Curious at her excited tone] What is it, Chibiusa-chan!  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Excitedly] He has Unreal Tournament loaded on his laptop! I wanna play!  
  
Narrator:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
{As the narrator recovers from her impromptu floor-facial, Chibiusa had already logged on and started the first game.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Laughing maniacally as her player kills one player after another] Hahaha! Take that!! And that!!! Oh, yeah!!!  
  
Game:  
[As Chibiusa's player guns down her fifth target] Killing spree!  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Still laughing maniacally] Bow before my greatness! None can defeat the great Tsukino Chibiusa!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Narrator:  
[Very, very, oh-my-god big sweatdrop] ....  
  
{As Chibiusa takes down her twentieth target, the game stops and she squeals in delight as she relishes her perfect game.   
Meanwhile, the scene cuts to another room where a young man shrugs to himself.}  
  
Young man:  
[Leans back in his chair] Not too bad. First time I've ever seen someone win with a perfect. But next game, you're   
mine....  
  
{The scene cuts to another room where a second young man frowns with slight irritation.}  
  
Another young man:  
[Frowns] I almost won that time! Damn.... Next game, then....  
  
{The scene cuts to yet another room where a third young man is grinding his teeth angrily.}  
  
Yet another young man:  
[Scowls] Perfect?!? How the hell did THAT happen!!! [Grumbles in a near whisper] Who is this "Small_Lady" anyway?  
  
{Back with the narrator and Chibiusa....}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Thoughtfully] You know, now that I think about it, I think that "Small_Lady" is kind of a stupid screen name.   
[Thinks] Hmm.... Hey! What do you think of the name "Pink_Death"?  
  
{An angry pounding on the door saves the narrator from having to answer right away.}  
  
Jason:  
[While banging angrily on the door from outside] Dammit, Chibiusa, I know you're in there! Gimme back my laptop! I   
know you've got it! I heard the other guys in my shop talking about how someone named "Small_Lady" mercilessly stomped them   
at Unreal Tournament, so there's no use in denying that you have it!  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Startled and jumps back] Damn! I didn't think he'd find me this fast!  
  
Jason:  
[Still banging on the door] Open up right now and I won't torture you before I kill you!  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Swallows fearfully] Please don't kill me, Jason-sama!!! [Runs off in fear]  
  
{The narrator watches Chibiusa run off, then opens the door, letting Jason in.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Points] Your laptop is right there, Jason-san.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Thank you. [Goes to retrieve his laptop]  
  
Narrator:  
[As Jason picks up his laptop] Are you really going to kill Chibiusa-chan?  
  
Jason:  
[Pauses and grins over his shoulder] Not really. I just want her to think I am. Usagi-chan would probably kill me if   
I killed her future daughter, even if she technically hasn't been born yet. [Pauses as he mulls over what he had just said,   
then nods to himself] Right. At any rate, I've got another chapter of this fanfic to write, so if you'll excuse me....  
  
{As Jason leaves the room with his laptop, the narrator blinks in bewilderment, then just shrugs.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Sighs] None of this was in the job description....  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{As Galahad, Sailor Uranus, and Sailor Knight all trudged through the harsh downpour, the wind continued to beat   
unyieldingly at them, chilling them to the bone. The rain slicked Galahad's short brown hair and Uranus' short blonde hair   
to their scalps, while Knight's ponytail was constantly dripping water. Suddenly, Uranus and Knight both sneezed at the same   
time, both to their, and Galahad's, surprise.}  
  
Galahad:  
[Glancing back at them] God bless you. [Faces forward and continues]  
  
Knight:  
[Exchanging glances with Uranus] You don't think that...?  
  
Uranus:  
[Shaking her head] Nah. Couldn't be....  
  
Knight:  
[Nods uncertainly] Right.... After all, it's not like we're in an anime. The sneeze-whenever-someone-talks-about-you   
thing shouldn't apply here, right?  
  
Uranus:  
[Frowns slightly] You know, Ryo-kun... since coming here, I'm not sure of much anymore....  
  
Knight:  
[Sighs] Maybe we should just keep following Galahad and not put too much into a sneeze. After all, it's raining and   
we could just be starting to catch colds....  
  
{Uranus shrugs as she and Knight go off to catch up with Galahad. Thunder boomed and lightning crashed throught the sky as   
the three made their way through the maze of withered branches and dead trees. Suddenly, a light overhead caught the   
attention of the three travelers. They all look up over the top of the castle standing in the distance, staring in disbelief   
at the object shining in front of them.}  
  
Knight:  
[Pointing] Haruka-san, look!  
  
Uranus:  
[Eyes widen] That's it! The Holy Grail!  
  
Knight:  
[Sighs in relief] Finally.... So, let's hurry up and get over to that castle!  
  
{At once, they all run toward the castle's entrance. As soon as they reached the large, heavy wooden door, Galahad started   
to pound on the door with all his strength.}  
  
Galahad:  
[Shouting] Open the door! Open the door! [Pounds some more] In the name of King Arthur, open the door!  
  
{The door opened with a loud creak, allowing them entrance into the castle. As soon as they all stepped inside, the door   
closed again with a loud boom that echoed through the halls. As soon as they took their first few steps inside the castle,   
they noticed that a large group of young women in what seemed to be white nightgowns were staring at them with wide grins   
of their faces.}  
  
Women:  
[In unison] Hello!  
  
Knight:  
[Noticing the slightly lecherous gleam in Uranus' eyes as she grins slightly] You're drooling, Haruka-san.  
  
Uranus:  
[Glancing over at Knight] Don't exaggerate, Ryo-kun. [Pauses for a moment] You're not gonna tell Michiru, are you?  
  
Knight:  
[Smirks] What's it worth to you?  
  
Uranus:  
[Smirks back] Remember three months ago when I tricked you into thinking you were drinking some sort of exotic   
fruit punch, when it was really half orange juice and apple juice and half vodka? [Thoughtful look] As I recall, you really   
liked it. Really, really liked it.  
  
Knight:  
[Frowns] Yeah, so? Nothing happened. [Expression turns wary] Nothing DID happen, right?  
  
Uranus:  
[Smirk widens] Well... I did tell you nothing happened. However.... [Trails off meaningfully]  
  
Knight:  
[Growing worried] However?  
  
Uranus:  
I lied.  
  
Knight:  
[Sweats] So? It's not like you haven't played practical jokes on me before. We all know that.  
  
Uranus:  
But, I also took the liberty of recording what happened. [Big grin] By the way, Michiru thinks you have a cute rear   
end.  
  
Knight:  
[Mortified] Michiru-san? Who else?  
  
Uranus:  
[Thinking] Well, Setsuna had to take Hotaru-chan to her room - to keep her from seeing too much.  
  
Knight:  
[Muttering] That's a relief.  
  
Uranus:  
But other than that, Setsuna, Michiru, and myself are the only ones to have witnessed your drunken antics in its   
entirety.  
  
Knight:  
[Quietly] I see.... I concede defeat.  
  
Uranus:  
Oh! I just remembered something else!  
  
Knight:  
[Sighs] What is it now?  
  
Uranus:  
[Grinning widely] Setsuna thinks you have a cute rear end, too.  
  
Knight:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
{A young woman wearing a similar white gown with a white cap enters and walks toward them carrying a long, lit torch in her   
right hand.}  
  
Young woman:  
[Smiling] Welcome, gentle Sir Knights and Lady. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.  
  
Galahad:  
[Blinking] The Castle Anthrax?  
  
Young woman:  
[Nods understandingly] Yes. It's not a very good name is it?  
  
Uranus:  
[Bluntly] It's a stupid name. Who named it anyway?  
  
Young woman:  
[Shakes her head sadly] That I do not know, my Lady. [Perks up as she looks toward Galahad and Knight] Oh, but we   
are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!  
  
Uranus:  
[Grimaces] Don't call me 'my Lady'. My name's Haruka.  
  
Galahad:  
You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?  
  
Young woman:  
[Blinks] The what?  
  
Galahad:  
The Grail. It is here.  
  
Young woman:  
[Shakes her head] Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. [Turns to the two young women who had accompanied   
her into the chamber] Midget! Crapper!  
  
Uranus/Knight:  
[Snorts while trying to hold in laughter] ....  
  
Midget/Crapper:  
[Not noticing the stifled laughter at hearing their names] Yes, O Zoot?  
  
Zoot:  
Perpare a bed for our guest.  
  
Midget/Crapper:  
[Ecstatically] Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!  
  
Uranus/Knight:  
[Blinks] ....  
  
Zoot:  
[Impaitently shooing them away] Away! Away, varletesses. [To Galahad and Knight] The beds here are warm and soft   
and very, very big.  
  
Galahad:  
[Blinks as he backs away slightly] Well, look, I... I, uh....  
  
Zoot:  
[To Galahad] What is your name, handsome knight?  
  
Uranus:  
[Teasing] I think she likes you.  
  
Galahad:  
[Bristles] Hush, you. [To Zoot] Sir Galahad... the Chaste.  
  
Uranus:  
[Snickers] The Chaste? Sure, you are.  
  
Galahad:  
[Indignantly] I am.  
  
Zoot:  
[To Knight] And your name, young knight?  
  
Knight:  
[Blinks and points to himself] Me? Um, I'm Ryoku. [Nods to Uranus] And she's Haruka.  
  
Uranus:  
[Nods and smiles at Zoot] And we're certainly not... chaste. [Elbows Knight] Right, Ryo-kun?  
  
Knight:  
[Give Uranus a patient look] Haruka-san....  
  
Zoot:  
Mine is Zoot. [Gives Galahad and Knight a smoky look] Just Zoot. Oh, but come. [Turns away and leads the group down   
the hall]  
  
Knight:  
[Shrugs] As you wish, Just Zoot.  
  
Zoot:  
[Laughs] You are quite an amusing young knight, Sir Ryoku.  
  
Galahad:  
[Insistantly while he and the Senshi follow Zoot] Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!  
  
Knight:  
[Patiently] I'm sure your beds are nice and everything, but Galahad is right. Can you please show us the Holy Grail?  
  
Uranus:  
[While winking at one of the young women] ....  
  
Knight:  
[Elbowing Uranus] Haruka-san... later!  
  
Uranus:  
[Sighs] Oh, fine. I want to see the Grail, too. [Smiles at yet another young woman]  
  
Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] ...I give up.  
  
Zoot:  
[Sadly] Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.  
  
Knight:  
[While watching Uranus try to flirt with one of the young women] I can almost believe it of certain people....  
  
Galahad:  
[Very insistantly] No, look. I have seen it! [Gestures around the entire chamber] It is here in this....  
  
Zoot:  
[Cutting him off] Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.  
  
Galahad:  
[Faltering] Well, I... I, uh....  
  
Knight:  
[While grabbing Uranus and dragging her along with him] What could it hurt? [Pauses to wring out some water from   
his ponytail] We don't have to leave right away. After all, I think it's still pouring outside. I, for one, would like to   
rest and get dry before leaving with the Grail.  
  
Galahad:  
[Pondering Knight's words] Well....  
  
Zoot:  
[As she continues to lead the three through the castle] Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet   
compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off   
in this castle with no one to protect us.  
  
Uranus:  
[With a VERY wide grin] Eight score? [Whispering to Knight] Quick! How many?  
  
Knight:  
[Whispers back] One hundred and sixty.  
  
Uranus:  
[While looking skyward, grinning broadly and clasping her hands together happily] Thank you, Jason-san!  
  
Knight:  
[Ungodly huge sweatdrop] ....  
  
Zoot:  
[Continuing while leading them up a staircase] It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting   
underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights.  
  
Uranus:  
[With an interested tone of voice] Excuse me, but what kind of exciting underwear are we talking about here? Could   
it be possible to have some of your girls show me some samples?  
  
Knight:  
[Tiredly while Galahad stares at her in surprise] Haruka-san....  
  
Uranus:  
[To Knight] What? I was thinking I might get some of this exciting underwear for myself. [Quietly to Knight] And for   
Michiru, of course.  
  
Knight:  
[Whispering flatly to Uranus] Of course.  
  
Zoot:  
[Smiles as she leads them into a sleeping chamber with three beds in it] Nay. Nay. Come. [Herds Galahad into the   
room with the Senshi following] Come. You may lie here. [Gently pushes Galahad onto the bed] Oh, but you are wounded!  
  
Knight:  
[As he and Uranus take their own beds] Hmm? Oh, that's just a scratch. Must've got it bumping against one of those   
trees.  
  
Galahad:  
Yes, it's... it's nothing.  
  
Zoot:  
[Glancing over at Knight] And you, too!  
  
Knight:  
[Glancing down at himself] But that's just a scrape. Nothing at all.  
  
Zoot:  
[Sternly] Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! [Pushes Galahad down as he tries to get up] No, no, please! Lie   
down. [Claps her hands]  
  
{Seconds after Zoot clapped her hands, two young women instantly entered the room.}  
  
First young woman:  
[Professionally] Well, what seems to be the trouble?  
  
Galahad:  
[Incredulously] They're doctors?!?  
  
Zoot:  
[Reluctantly] Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.  
  
Knight:  
[Sarcastically] I'm so relieved.  
  
Galahad:  
B-but...  
  
Zoot:  
[Pushes Galahad down again as he tries to escape] Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. [To the "doctors"] Doctor   
Piglet! [Piglet nods] Doctor Winston! [Winston nods] Practice your art.  
  
Uranus:  
[While relaxing and leering at the doctors] You know, all of you here seem to have some really stupid sounding   
names.  
  
Winston:  
[Dryly] We could say the same of the name Haruka.  
  
Uranus:  
[Shrugs] Well, I like my name fine.  
  
Winston:  
[Shrugs, then looks at both Knight and Galahad] Try to relax, both of you.  
  
Knight:  
[While relaxing] I'm fine, thanks. No problems, here.  
  
Galahad:  
[Pushes down the bottom of his tunic as Piglet raises it up] Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?  
  
Piglet:  
[Firmly] We must examine you. [Tries to lift his tunic again, but Galahad pushes it down again]  
  
Galahad:  
[Nervously] There's nothing wrong with that!  
  
Piglet:  
[Patiently] Please. We are doctors.  
  
Knight:  
With basic medical training.  
  
Winston:  
[As she tries to discern exactly how to go about examining Knight when she cannot find any method to removing his   
clothes] We are still doctors. [Baffled] Exactly how do you put on these garments, good Sir Ryoku? There seems to be no   
buttons or clasps.  
  
Knight:  
[Grins] Magic.  
  
Winston:  
Oh? Are you a magician, as well?  
  
Knight:  
[Blinks] Um... something like that, I guess.  
  
Galahad:  
[Jumps out of bed as Piglet tries once again to... examine him] Look! This cannot be! I am sworn to chastity!  
  
Uranus:  
[Smirks at Galahad] Oh, don't be a prude.  
  
Piglet:  
[Sternly] Back to your bed! At once!  
  
Galahad:  
[While backing away] Torment me no longer. [Staring upwards] I have seen the Grail!  
  
Piglet:  
[Flatly] There's no grail here.  
  
Galahad:  
[Insistantly as he stumbles through the passageways] I have seen it! I have seen it!  
  
{Galahad opened up one of the large doors during his fevered lurching through the castle halls and threw himself through it   
in search of the Holy Grail. However, he does not find a grail of any kind through THIS particular door.}  
  
Galahad:  
I have seen...! [Cuts off and stares at the sight before him]  
  
{There are many young women here. Many, many, MANY young women here. To put it simply, if Haruka were standing there right   
now, she would say....}  
  
Uranus:  
[Staring in wonder] I've died and gone to Heaven....  
  
{Yeah, something like that.}  
  
Knight:  
[Stopping beside Uranus and also staring in wonder] ...wow.  
  
Young women:  
[Smiling provocatively] Hello.  
  
{At the sight of so many beautiful young women, including the few that seemed to be standing in the small indoor fountain   
for no apparant reason other than to allow their scantily thin nightgown to become soaked with water, allowing some very...   
interesting sights to be seen, even Galahad was having a hard time keeping himself together. Being the pure, chaste knight   
that he was, there was only one thing that seeming to come to mind.}  
  
Galahad:  
[Staring dumbly at the women] Oh.  
  
{Well, make that two things. Two round, soft things.}  
  
Young women:  
Hello.  
  
{As Galahad made his way around the chamber, trying to move away from one woman, only to find himself nearer to another one,   
each young woman greeted him with the same single greeting, purred almost seductively.}  
  
Young women:  
[All smiling alluringly at Galahad as he passes by] Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.  
  
{As Galahad made a full circuit around the chamber, he came face to face with a very familiar face.}  
  
Galahad:  
[In great relief] Zoot!  
  
Dingo:  
[Shaking her head] No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.  
  
Uranus:  
[Walking up next to Dingo] Yet another interesting name.  
  
Knight:  
[Walking up next to Dingo as well] I think there's an animal in Australia that has the same name.  
  
Galahad:  
[Apologetically] Oh. Well, excuse me, I....  
  
Dingo:  
[Cuts him off] Where are you going?  
  
Galahad:  
[Remembers] I seek the Grail. I have seen it, here in this castle!  
  
Uranus:  
Please, can you tell us where it is?  
  
{At hearing this, Dingo suddenly frowns angrily.}  
  
Dingo:  
[Angrily] Oh, no. Oh, no. Bad, bad, Zoot!  
  
Knight:  
[Blinks] This doesn't bode well.  
  
Galahad:  
[Frowning in confusion] Well, what is it?  
  
Dingo:  
[Apologetically] Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which - I have just   
remembered - is grail-shaped. [Sighs] It's not the first time we've had this problem.  
  
Galahad:  
[Disappointingly] It's not the real Grail?  
  
Dingo:  
[Angrily again] Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! [Turns to the   
readers] Do you think this scene should have been cut? [Shakes her head regretfully] We were so worried when Jason was   
writing this part. We thought he was going to cut it just to save time. [Perks up] But now, we're glad. It's better than   
some of the previous scenes, I think.  
  
{Scene shifts to the three-headed knight.}  
  
Left head:  
[Petulantly] At least ours was better visually.  
  
Right head:  
[To left head] But they can't see us.  
  
Left head:  
[Angrily] Oh! Where's my sword? I want to cut your head off!  
  
Middle head:  
[Irritably to left head] And you STILL haven't brushed my teeth!  
  
{Scene shifts to Dennis and the old woman.}  
  
Dennis:  
[Idly tossing a lump of filth] Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pu.... [Glances   
skyward] ...dirty jokes.  
  
{Scene shifts to an old man with a very ugly face.}  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Impatiently] Get on with it.  
  
{Scene shifts to a man wearing horns on his head. A bunny with sharp, pointy teeth is sitting on his shoulder, but he   
doesn't seem to notice.}  
  
Horny man:  
[Also impatiently while the bunny shakes a paw threateningly] Yes, get on with it!  
  
{Scene shifts to show the author typing away at his laptop.}  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs almost ruefully and shakes his head] I'm gonna catch holy hell for that last one. I just know it. [Grins   
anyway] Ah, what the hell. I'm keeping it. So, there. [Pulls down an eyelid and sticks out his tongue] Biidah!  
  
{Scene shifts to an army of knights.}  
  
Army of knights:  
[All impatiently] Yeah, get on with it!!!  
  
{Scene shifts back to Dingo.}  
  
Dingo:  
[Happily] Oh, I am enjoying this scene.  
  
{Scene shifts to showing all of the Sailor Senshi at once with the exception of Uranus and Knight, and including Chibiusa,   
who had somehow managed to sneak in without the other Senshi knowing.}  
  
Senshi except for Uranus and Knight/Chibiusa:  
[Shouting impatiently and brandishing fists skyward] GET ON WITH IT!!!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Spots Chibiusa] Hey! What're you doing here!  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Jumps] Oops! Gotta run! [Dashes off]  
  
{Scene shifts back to Dingo.}  
  
Dingo:  
[Sighs and shrugs in defeat] ....  
  
Uranus/Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Galahad:  
[Glancing at the two Senshi, then pulls a sweatdrop of his own] ....  
  
Knight:  
[Noticing the sweatdrop] Hey, not bad for your first try.  
  
Uranus:  
You learn quick.  
  
Galahad:  
[Slightly embarrassed and humbly] Well, it's not that much, really....  
  
Dingo:  
[Recovering her composure] Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty.  
  
Uranus/Knight:  
[Blinking in confusion] Penalty?  
  
Dingo:  
[Nods] Here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie   
her down on a bed and spank her.  
  
Galahad:  
[Eyes widen] ....  
  
Knight:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Uranus:  
[Grins lecherously] ....  
  
Young women:  
[Excitedly] A spanking! A spanking!  
  
Galahad:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Knight:  
[Too stunned to notice the new trick Galahad had learned] ....  
  
Uranus:  
[Grin widens as she dry-washes her hands in anticipation] ....  
  
Dingo:  
You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.  
  
Galahad:  
[Eyes widen farther] ....  
  
Another young woman:  
[To Galahad] And spank me.  
  
Yet another young woman:  
[To Galahad] And me.  
  
And yet another young woman:  
[To Galahad] And me.  
  
Galahad:  
[Eyes widen to sizes hitherto unknown to man] ....  
  
Dingo:  
[Nods] Yes, both you and good Sir Ryoku must give us all a good spanking!  
  
Knight:  
[Totally stunned] Me?!? You want me to spank you all as well?!?  
  
Dingo:  
[Nods] Yes, you must give us all very good spankings. Such a large job may be too large for one man.  
  
Uranus:  
[Grins] Ooh, can I help, too? I can give good spankings.  
  
Dingo:  
[Blinks] Well....  
  
Yes, yet another young woman:  
[From the back of the room] Oh, please, Dingo, can Lady Haruka give me my spanking?  
  
Surpise, yet another young woman:  
[Same place] And mine, too!  
  
And... oh, you get the idea:  
[You know where] And mine, too!  
  
Dingo:  
Well, all right! And after the spanking, the... really naughty stuff.  
  
Young women:  
[Excitedly] The... [Pauses in bewilderment] ...what?  
  
Dingo:  
[To the young women] I don't think the author wants us to say 'oral...' [Covers her mouth] Oops! I almost said it!  
  
{Scene shifts to show the author removing his glasses.}  
  
Jason:  
[While rubbing his eyes wearily] I must be getting tired. I almost let that one slip by....  
  
{Scene shifts back to Dingo and the others.}  
  
Dingo:  
[Shrugs] Well, there you have it.  
  
{The young women shrug in defeat, but then grin lasciviously as they realize that 'really naughty stuff' is a very vague   
term and can cover quite a broad spectrum if they put their minds to it. In a way, the author seemed to have done them quite   
a favor.}  
  
{Scene shifts to show the author smirking mischeviously.}  
  
Jason:  
[Smirking] Hehehehehehehehehehehe....  
  
{Scene shifts back to Dingo and the others.}  
  
Young women:  
[Excitedly] The really naughty stuff! The really naughty stuff!  
  
Galahad:  
[Grinning widely] Well, I could stay a bit longer. [To Knight and Uranus] How 'bout you two?  
  
Uranus/Knight:  
[Also grinning widely] Don't mind if we do!  
  
{Suddenly Launcelot barges into the room and grabs Galahad and Knight by the shoulders.}  
  
Launcelot:  
Sir Galahad!  
  
Galahad:  
[Turning toward Launcelot] Oh, hello. [Starts to turn back toward the young women]  
  
Launcelot:  
[Tugs on Galahad's and Knight's shoulders] Quick!  
  
Galahad:  
[Turns back irritably] What?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Glances back over his shoulder] Quick!  
  
Galahad:  
[Frowns] Why?  
  
Knight:  
[Also frowns] And where's Mako-chan and Minako-chan? I thought they were supposed to be with you.  
  
Launcelot:  
I had them go on ahead and wait for me to catch up.  
  
Knight:  
[Blinks] And they didn't want to come with you to 'rescue' us?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Hesitantly] Well....  
  
Knight:  
[Raises an eyebrow] Well?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Reluctantly] I told them I was going to the lavatory.  
  
Knight:  
[Sighs and shakes his head] Why me?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Tugs on their shoulders insistantly] Anyway, you both are in great peril!  
  
Dingo:  
No, they aren't.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Crossly as he drags Galahad and Knight with him] Silence, foul temptress!  
  
Galahad:  
[To Launcelot] You know, she's got a point.  
  
Knight:  
[Nods] I agree completely.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Still dragging them] Come on! We will cover your escape!  
  
Uranus:  
[Blinking] We will? Um... that's all right. I think you've got the situation well in hand. [Turns to the young   
women] Now, about those spankings....  
  
Knight:  
[Grabs onto Uranus' skirt and drags her with him] Oh, no you don't! If I'm going, you're going, too, blackmail or   
not!  
  
Uranus:  
[Tries to free herself, but fails] Dammit, Ryoku! Let go!  
  
Knight:  
[Still dragging] Hell, no!  
  
Galahad:  
[Still trying to dissuade Launcelot] Look, we're fine!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Not even listening as he drags them off] Come on!  
  
Young women:  
[Desperately] Sir Galahad! Sir Ryoku! Lady Haruka!  
  
Uranus:  
[Irritably] I told you not to call me "Lady" Haruka!  
  
Galahad:  
[Pulls free] No. Look, Ryoku, Haruka and I can tackle this lot single-handled!  
  
Dingo:  
[Pleadingly] Yes! Let them tackle us single-handed!  
  
Young women:  
[Pleadingly] Yes! Let them tackle us single-handed!  
  
Knight:  
[Grins and whispers to Uranus] I'd rather use both hands, myself.  
  
Uranus:  
[Chuckles and slaps Knight jovially on the back] There's hope for you yet, Ryo-kun.  
  
Knight:  
[Smirks] You've been a great teacher, Haruka-san.  
  
Uranus:  
[Nods] Damn right!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Unconvinced as he grabs their shoulders and drags them again] No, Sir Galahad. Come on!  
  
Galahad:  
[Protesting as he is being dragged] No! Really! Honestly, we can cope. We can handle this lot easily.  
  
Dingo:  
[Still pleadingly] Oh, yes. Let them handle us easily.  
  
Young women:  
[Still pleadingly] Yes. Let them handle us easily.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Still unconvinced] No. Quick! Quick!  
  
Galahad:  
[Growing desperate] Please! We can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!  
  
Knight:  
There's a hundred and sixty.  
  
Galahad:  
[Pauses as he goes over his mental calculations, blinks, and grimaces] Oh. So there is. [Recovers] Still, we can   
easily defeat them!  
  
Dingo:  
[Nods entreatingly] Yes! Yes, they will beat us easily! We haven't a chance!  
  
Young women:  
[Also entreatingly] We haven't a chance! He will beat us easily....  
  
{They trailed off after Launcelot succeeded in dragging Galahad, Knight and Uranus out of the castle, while slamming the   
door behind him with a huge boom. The young women were left staring at the door in disappointment and frustration as they   
realized that a rare opportunity had slipped through their grasp. Dingo stared at the door for only a second before uttering   
the two words that very much summed up what they all were thinking at the time.]  
  
Dingo:  
[Pouting] Oh, sh*$!  
  
{Outside the castle, Launcelot was herding Galahad and the two Senshi down from the castle. Much to their added annoyance,   
the heavy downpour had abated, leaving them with no excuse to stay in the castle.}  
  
Launcelot:  
We were in the nick of time. You were all in great peril.  
  
Galahad:  
I don't think we were.  
  
Uranus:  
[Frowning] And what do you mean, 'we'?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Admittedly] All right, I. And yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.  
  
Galahad:  
[Halts and turns back to Launcelot] Look, let me go back there and face the peril.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Turns him back around] No, it's too perilous.  
  
Galahad:  
[Insistantly] Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Shakes his head] No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!  
  
Galahad:  
[Pleadingly] Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Firmly] No. It's unhealthy.  
  
Galahad:  
[Petulantly] I bet you're gay.  
  
Launcelot:  
...no, I'm not.  
  
{As Launcelot escorts Galahad away from the castle, Knight and Uranus peer out from behind the pair of bushes that they had   
quickly hid behind as Launcelot was distracted while dealing with Galahad. As soon as they stood up and walked back into   
view, the two Senshi grinned childishly as each other and shook hands.}  
  
Uranus:  
I must admit, I'm surprised at you, Ryo-kun. I never figured you to be the promiscuous type.  
  
Knight:  
[Raising an eyebrow] Like you, Haruka-san?  
  
Uranus:  
[Folds her arms] I'm not promiscuous. I'm flirting.  
  
Knight:  
[Smirks knowingly] Right....  
  
Uranus:  
So, what about Ami-chan? I thought you were devoutly loyal to her.  
  
Knight:  
I could ask the same of you and Michiru-san.  
  
Uranus:  
....  
  
Knight:  
....  
  
Uranus:  
[Grins slyly] Well, what they don't know.... Right, Ryo-kun?  
  
Knight:  
[Nods] Right, Haruka-san. It'll just be between us.  
  
Uranus:  
[Nods] Michiru and Ami-chan won't have to know. And I'll even swear off telling the others about the videotape of   
you drunk off your butt.  
  
Knight:  
[Shakes hands with Uranus again] Deal.  
  
{The two are about to leave for the Castle Anthrax again, but they are stopped as a pair of hands grabs them by their   
shoulders. The sounds of two young women clearing their throats in annoyance causes the two errant Senshi to sweat   
nervously.}  
  
Knight:  
[Whispering to Uranus] Uh-oh....  
  
Uranus:  
[Whispering back to Knight] I think we're busted....  
  
{Uranus and Knight turned around slowly, only to find Neptune and Mercury standing behind them with their arms folded and   
expressions of anger and disappointment mirrored on both their faces.}  
  
Neptune:  
[Angrily] Haruka!  
  
Mercury:  
[Angrily] Ryoku!  
  
Neptune/Mercury:  
[Very angrily] What the hell do you two think you are doing?!?  
  
Uranus/Knight:  
[Stammering] Well... um... you see... we, um... well, um....  
  
{With astonishing precision, both Neptune and Mercury grab the arms of their respective significant other simultaneously and   
started dragging them along with them.}  
  
Mercury:  
[Furiously] I can't believe you! You! Of all people! How could you do even think of doing something so... so....   
[Shakes her head in frustration] Augh!  
  
Knight:  
[Bows his head, thouroughly henpecked] Yes, Ami-chan. I'm sorry, Ami-chan. It won't happen again, Ami-chan....  
  
Neptune:  
[Also furiously] And you were calling Ryo-kun a bad influence. Now look! You've got him flirting with other girls,   
just like you do! And you think I can't see you?  
  
Uranus:  
[Penitently] It was all in good fun. We weren't going to actually DO anything. [To Knight] Right, Ryo-kun?  
  
Knight:  
[Head is still bowed] Of course, Ami-chan. You are wise, intelligent, and beautiful and I'm a stupid, immature,   
little boy, Ami-chan. I will never even think about leering at another girl again, Ami-chan....  
  
Uranus:  
[Sweatdrops] You're hopeless, Ryo-kun....  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 8: Scene Twenty-four... and Spam  
  
Questions? Comments? Still think I should keep this fic at a PG rating?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	9. Chapter 8: Scene Twentyfour and Spam?

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 8: Scene Twenty-four... and Spam?  
Narrator:  
Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no closer to the Grail.  
  
{Narrator pauses as Mercury and Neptune walk by, dragging Knight and Uranus along with them.}  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Bows her head] Oh, sorry. Don't mind us.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
We're just trying to find our way back to the story. We seem to have gotten a bit lost.  
  
Narrator:  
[Scratches her head] Um... I think if you head about ten kilometers southeast, you might find the other knights and   
Senshi. Either that, or an ATM machine.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Blinks] An ATM machine? In 932 A.D.?  
  
Narrator:  
[Shrugs] Well, yeah. Nowadays, you can find them almost anywhere. But, I wouldn't bother. They only dispense pounds.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grimaces] Things just get stranger and stranger around here.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Briskly] Never mind that. Let's just go. [Drags Uranus after her]  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Look, Michiru, we're far enough from that castle. Do you STILL have to drag me?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Flatly] Only until I say different.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Sighs] ....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Tugs Knight's arm] Come, Ryo-chan.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Meekly] Yes, Ami-chan.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Sighs again] You don't have to be so meek, Ryo-kun....  
  
Narrator:  
[As she watches the Senshi leave] I will not ask. It would probably be too dangerous for my mental health for me to   
ask. [Turns back to the readers] Anyway.... Meanwhile, King Arthur, Sir Bedevere, Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, and Sailor   
Pluto, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. [Pauses thoughtfully] Oh, that's an unladen   
swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away.... Four, really, if they had a   
coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging....  
  
Jason:  
[Suddenly appearing behind the Narrator] Get on with it!!! [Disappears again]  
  
Narrator:  
[Jumps back, startled, but quickly recovers] Oh, anyway. On to scene Twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with   
some lovely acting, in which King Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think   
you can hear a starling....  
  
{Jason suddenly reappears again, this time with a policeman's club in one hand.}  
  
Narrator:  
[As Jason wacks her in the back of the head with the club] Oooh! [Collapses]  
  
Jason:  
[Bows] Sorry about this. We'll be moving on to the next scene now.  
  
{He bends down and picks up the Narrator, then starts to disappear, taking her with him.}  
  
Jason:  
[As he fades away] We need to have a little discussion about going off on tangents without authorization....  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
{Dawn starts to break as King Arthur pointed out a small hut in the distance to the others. They had been walking and   
hopping for over two days without much luck, but this discovery was much better than the tedious traveling that they had   
been doing.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Testily] And I'm hungry, too!  
  
{Yes, and Sailor Moon was getting hungry, too. And we all know how she gets when she gets hungry.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Indignantly] Hey!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Pointedly] Well, she does have a point.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Angrily] Rei-chan!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[With strained patience] Please, don't start again, you two.  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars:  
[Apologetically] Sorry, Setsuna-san....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Also with strained patience] Well, now that that's settled, maybe we should go see the occupant of that dwelling.   
Perhaps the owner might have a clue about where to find the Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Hungrily] And some food!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighs] Yes... and some food. But please, do not eat this person out of house and home like you did with the last   
couple of people we visited.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
The wife of the last person we visited chased us for several leagues, shouting obscenities as she threatened to rip   
off our arms and beat us with them.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shudders] I remember that. What happened that made her so mad, Bedevere?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Shrugs] I am unsure, my Liege.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
I think it was because Usagi-chan ate almost everything they had to eat as a midnight snack.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sweatdrops as everyone stares at her] ....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Mutters] I knew it was your fault. Somehow I knew it.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Defensively] Hey, can I help it if I have a healthy appetite?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Facetiously] You mean, a bottomless pit?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Scowls] Shut up, Mars.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighs] Not ANOTHER arguement....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shakes her head] Be grateful that you've never had to deal with them as long as we have. Maybe we should just go   
and let them get this out of their system.  
  
{As the two Senshi begin arguing in earnest, Pluto and the two knights start heading toward the hut.}  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars:  
[Indignantly] Hey! Wait for us!!! [Starts running after the others, their arguement completely forgotten]  
  
{As King Arthur knocks on the door of the hut, the door suddenly opens all by itself.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Surprised] Um... hello?  
  
Voice:  
[From inside] Come.... Come inside.... I've been expecting you. Hehehehehe....  
  
{The others exchange looks after hearing the creepy-sounding voice, then enter. Inside, they find a very ugly-looking old   
man sitting in front of a cookpot resting on an open fire. Upon closer inspection, the man's eyes seem to be completely   
yellow.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Hesitently] Umm.... You wouldn't happen to...?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Gestures toward the pot] Would you like something to eat?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Happily] Yes! Thank you very much!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Raspy chuckling] Toad eyes, bat wings and rabbit tails.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. This isn't my breakfast. It's medieval medicine.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Interested] Is that so? What ails does this medicine cure, my good man?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Still more raspy chuckling] Hangovers.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glancing slyly over at Sailor Moon] Too bad we didn't have that the last time you got tipsy, Usagi.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Indignantly] Hey, it's not my fault I didn't know that they were drinking wine! I thought it was some new kind of   
fruit punch! Nobody told me it was wine!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Yes, they did. It's not our fault that you can't understand English very well.  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Pluto] I take it that it's a long story?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nods] You would've had to have been there to understand.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Nods as well] Ah. I see.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
So, what have you got to eat, then?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Gets up and walks over to a stove conveniently placed off-screen] Let's see....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Points] Hey! There weren't any stoves in 932 A.D.!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
And how would you know? Were you alive in 932 A.D.?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
I'm here now.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Nods and points] And there's a stove. Therefore, your information was incorrect, as you can see.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Boggles] ....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs] Just let it go.  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Turns back to the others] Well... there's eggs and bacon... eggs, sausage and bacon... eggs and spam... eggs, bacon   
and spam... eggs, bacon, sausage and spam... spam, bacon, sausage and spam... spam, eggs, spam, spam, bacon and spam...   
spam, sausage, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato and spam... spam, spam, spam, eggs and spam... spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,   
spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam... or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale   
manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top, and spam.  
  
Others:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Very ugly old man:  
Well?  
  
King Arthur:  
Eggs, bacon and spam.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Spam, bacon, sausage and spam.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Well... I'll have eggs and spam.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Eggs and bacon.  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[As he serves King Arthur] Sorry. Fresh out of that.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
But, you never said anything about being out of eggs or bacon when the others asked for them.  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[As he serves Sir Bedevere] That was for eggs, bacon and spam. I have plenty of eggs, bacon and spam, but I'm fresh   
out of eggs and bacon.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Blinks] .... [Sighs] Very well. Eggs, sausage and bacon, then.  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Shakes his head as he serves Mars] Sorry.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Scowls] But all the rest have spam in it! I don't want anything that has spam in it.  
  
Very ugly old man:  
Well... spam, bacon, sausage and spam doesn't have that much spam in it.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Insistantly] I don't want any spam.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Why can't you have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
That has spam in it!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Not as much as spam, bacon, sausage and spam.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs patiently] Look, could I have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sticking out her tongue and grimacing in disgust] Eeeuugh!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Starting to lose her patience] What do you mean, 'eeeuugh'? I don't like spam!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Singing jovially as they eat] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spamity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam!   
Lovely spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Losing her patience] Shut up!!! Shut up!!!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Shutting up] ....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Testily] Can't I have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Questioning look] What for?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Getting frustrated] AAAUGH!  
  
Very ugly old man:  
It wouldn't be eggs, bacon, spam and sausage, would it?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Very close to snapping] I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Slowly backing away and the others pretend not to notice Pluto's slow breakdown] Well, if you have second thoughts,   
I'll have your spam. [Grins] I love it! I'm gonna have spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and   
spam!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Quietly singing again] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam!  
  
Very ugly old man:  
Baked beans are off. I got the last of them.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[To the very ugly old man] Can I have spam instead?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
You mean, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and spam?  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Still going] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nodding happily] Yes!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Grimacing] Eeeuugh!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Still going. Nothing outlasts the... oh, wait. Never mind] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spamity   
spaaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam! Lovely spaaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Getting angry] Shut up!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! If you say 'spam' one more time, I'll rip your head off with a Dead Scream!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Quickly shut up and concentrate on eating] ....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Eyes wide] Woah.... And I thought I had a temper....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Hiding after taking her food from the very ugly old man] You're scaring me, Setsuna-san....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Calms down] I'm sorry. But, all I want is some food without any spam in it. Is that too much to ask? [Sighs] All   
right.... I'll have the eggs, bacon, spam and sausage, then. I'll just give Usagi-chan the spam.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Happily] Yay!  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Serves Pluto her food] ....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Handing Sailor Moon her spam] Here.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Cheerfully] Thanks, Setsuna-san!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Finishes his food and sets down his plate] Right. Now, you said you were expecting us. Is it about the Holy Grail?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Yet more raspy laughing] Hehehehehehehe! Hahahahaha! Yes, I know of an enchanter.... Hahahahahahaha!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Urgingly] And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[And yet even more raspy laughing] Hahahaha! Hehehehehehehe! Hahahaha! Hehehehe!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Exchanging glances with Sir Bedevere] Where does he live?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Surprise! It's still more of the raspy laughing] Hehehehehehe....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Dryly] He's certainly gotten happy all of a sudden.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Still eating] Is it because of the spam?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Warningly] Don't start, Usagi-chan.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Swallows audibly] Um... right, Setsuna-san.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Urgently] Old man, where does he live?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[And more of the laughing that is raspy] Hahahahaha.... He knows of a cave. A cave which no man has entered.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Exchanges glances with Sir Bedevere again, glad to have finally gotten some information from the laughing freak]   
And the Grail? The Grail is there?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Warningly] There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Gulps anxiously] I don't like the sound of that....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Quiet, Usagi. We're finally getting closer to finding the Holy Grail.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Impatiently] But, the Grail! Where is the Grail?!?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
Seek you the Bridge of Death.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nervously] Bridge of... Death?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Hush, Usagi.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Promptingly] The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[And as if we weren't expecting this, more raspy laughing] Hehehehehe! Hahahaha! Hehehehehe!  
  
{As the very ugly old man laughed, the hut slowly began to fade away, leaving everyone sitting on fallen tree logs that was   
surrounding an open fire out in the open. Morning had passed into the afternoon, according to the sun's position in the sky,   
but that information was unimportant, since the hut that they were sitting in had vanished completely and the very ugly old   
man with it.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Standing up angrily] Hey! I wasn't finished with my spam yet!!!  
  
King Arthur:  
There's no time for that. We must find this enchanter of whom the old man spoke of.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sadly] But... my spam....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
How will we find this enchanter? The old man didn't say where he could be found.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Nods] That is true. However, we must continue our search as before. Perhaps we can find someone who knows of where   
this enchanter can be found.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[To Sailor Moon as the others turn to leave] Come on, Usagi.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sadly] My spam....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Irritably] I said, come on! [Grabs Sailor Moon and starts dragging her along with her]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Wincing] Ouch! Hey! Careful! Don't pull so hard, Rei-chan!  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Narrator:  
And now, we pause for something completely different.  
  
{The scene cuts to Makoto, Ryoku and Usagi standing behind a counter in a television recording studio that looks somewhat   
similar to that of an infomercial. The three are wearing aprons. Usagi's apron has a big picture of a bunny on it, while   
Makoto's is green and Ryoku's is gray.}  
  
Makoto:  
[Waving to the camera] Hey, everyone! We would like to take a break from this story for a moment to talk to you all   
about something very important.  
  
Usagi:  
[Very cheerily as she reaches under the counter and brings up a very familiar-looking tin can] It's spam!  
  
Ryoku:  
[Nods] That's right, Usgai-chan! Spam. A lot of people fail to realize the full potential of spam. Sure, the word   
'spam' comes from the words 'spiced ham', but spam is much, much more than that.  
  
Makoto:  
Spam is one of the few foods that can be served at any time of day and at any meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner,   
anytime! Not only that, but there are several different types of dishes that can be made from spam.  
  
Usagi:  
[Nods] That's right! Omelettes, sandwhiches, or even served by the slice, spam is probably the most underappreciated   
food out there.  
  
Ryoku:  
Now, that's all good and everything, but aren't you forgetting about something?  
  
Usagi:  
[Frowns thoughtfully] What could that be, Ryo-kun?  
  
Ryoku:  
Don't forget about the gelatinous substance that comes with the spam. Did you know that, if mixed with certain   
chemical substances, it can become an incredibly powerful adhesive? Even stronger than rubber cement!  
  
Usagi:  
[Surprised] Wow! I didn't know that!  
  
Ryoku:  
That's right, Usagi-chan. Also, did you know that it can also be used as a cleaning agent? Just mix with some of the   
juices from various citrus fruits and you can clean the rust off of America's Statue of Liberty.  
  
Usagi:  
It's that strong?  
  
Ryoku:  
Yes. However, it's gentle on your hands as well. So gentle, in fact, that some people who suffer from excessively   
dry skin use it along with their favorite lotions to dramatically increase the moisturizing effects!  
  
Usagi:  
That's so cool!  
  
Makoto:  
[Nods] However, that's not all. The tin can has several uses after you remove the spam and clean it out.  
  
Usagi:  
Oh, really? Like what?  
  
Makoto:  
Well.... [Reaches under the counter and brings up one tin after another] It can hold your pens and pencils. It can   
be used as an ash tray. It can be used to collect donations at your office or any other place of work. It can also be used   
as a base to launch fireworks from. You can even attach a string between to spam cans and use them like tin can phones.  
  
Usagi:  
[Excitedly] Wow! I never knew there were so many uses for the container that spam comes in.  
  
Makoto:  
[Glances toward the back of the studio] I see that Hotaru's waving at us. That must mean we have a caller.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Blinks] How can we have a caller? We never gave out our phone number. [Pauses for a moment] We don't even have a   
phone!  
  
Hotaru:  
[From inside the control booth] Don't ask me, Ryo-oniichan. I barely know how this stuff works.  
  
{Suddenly, all the lights cut off all at once.}  
  
Hotaru:  
[Sheepishly] Oops.  
  
{The lights come back on.}  
  
Makoto:  
I thought that Ami-chan was supposed to be working the control booth?  
  
Hotaru:  
She was, but that was she accidentally dropped her Mercury minicomputer and stepped on it.  
  
Ryoku:  
So, where is she now?  
  
Hotaru:  
[Shrugging] I don't know. Radio Shack, maybe?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Dryly] I doubt Radio Shack has parts for magical devices.  
  
Usagi:  
I don't know, Ryo-kun.... She did make those modifications to our old communicators.  
  
Ryoku:  
Oh, yeah. You mean, when she turned them into portable TVs. I forgot all about that. [To Hotaru] At any rate, since   
for some reason or another, we have a caller, can you patch it through to us, Hotaru-chan?  
  
Hotaru:  
Sure thing! [Pushes several buttons]  
  
PA system:  
[Panting] Oh, yes! Yes! Faster! Faster! Faster, baby! Ohhh....  
  
Usagi/Makoto/Ryoku:  
[Blushing] ....  
  
Hotaru:  
[Frantically pushing buttons] Gaaah!!!  
  
Usagi/Makoto/Ryoku:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Hotaru:  
[Still frantically pushing buttons] Dammit, why doesn't this work?!? AAAAUGH!  
  
PA system:  
Hello?  
  
Hotaru:  
[Triumphantly] There! I got it!  
  
Makoto:  
Hello, you're on the air. You have a question?  
  
PA system:  
Yes, I do. What's the big deal about spam? It's just food. It's no big deal. Don't make such a big fuss over it.   
And it doesn't even taste all that good, either.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Suspiciously] Wait a minute.... Setsuna-san?  
  
PA system:  
Um.... No. No, this isn't Setsuna. This is just some random caller....  
  
Usagi:  
[Also suspiciously] Yeah, I recognize that voice. That IS you Setsuna-san.  
  
PA system:  
[Insistently] You are mistaking me for someone else. I am not Setsuna.  
  
Makoto:  
[Also suspiciously] Well, Setsuna doesn't like spam, either. And since you sound like her....  
  
PA system:  
[Still insistently] I told you, I am NOT Setsuna. Setsuna is a mature woman. She would never call some show just to   
say that she doesn't like spam.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Raises an eyebrow] For someone who isn't Setsuna, you seem to know a lot about how she should act.  
  
PA system:  
...drat.  
  
{The sound of a phone hanging up, followed by a dial tone, could be heard on the PA system.}  
  
Usagi/Makoto/Ryoku:  
....  
  
Hotaru:  
....  
  
{As the group performed one mass sweatdrop, Jason walked into the studio and toward the group on the stage.}  
  
Jason:  
So, here you all are. I was wondering where you all went.  
  
Usagi:  
Oh, hi, Jason-san. What brings you here?  
  
Jason:  
A certain source told me that you were all doing something completely different. Now, I like going off on a tangent   
as much as the next person, but this is ridiculous.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Wryly] And you, being the authority on all things ridiculous?  
  
Jason:  
In this story, damn straight. Now, it's time for you four to get back to the story. Oh, and Setsuna, too. I'll go   
get her in a little bit.  
  
Makoto:  
[Pleadingly] Oh, come on, Jason-san....  
  
Jason:  
[Shakes his head] No, it was getting much too silly.  
  
Usagi:  
[Confused] Isn't that a good thing?  
  
Jason:  
Just get back to the story. [Walks out of the studio]  
  
Usagi:  
[Blinks] Was it something I said?  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 9: Ni!  
  
Questions? Comments? Do you like spam?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	10. Chapter 9: Ni!

A Grail?!?  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy.  
By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies   
to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine.   
If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the   
Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
-------------------------------------------------  
Chapter 9: Ni!  
We apologize for the fault in the   
last chapter. Those responsible have   
been sent back into the story.  
Hëlp! I'm bëing førcëd to speäk in fäke Svedïsh and wryte stupïd subtïtles før an insäne fänfïktiøn wryter! Sømebodi   
hëlp më! Hë....  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
*WHAM!*  
*WÄM!*  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
We apologize for the return of the faults in the subtitles.   
Those responsible for sacking the people who have sacked   
the people who have sacked the people who have....  
  
Oh, hell with it. Everyone has now just been sacked.  
  
Including me.  
  
The producer, who has also just been sacked, wishes it to be   
known that although everyone has now been sacked, the   
remainder of this movie will be completed, even if the job of   
writing the rest of this movie has to be given to ten monkeys   
writing on ten typewriters.  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
{The scene changes to a room with ten monkeys typing furiously at ten typewriters.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Voice-over] And so, even though I have been sacked, the story continues.  
-------------------------------------------------  
{AO;-)Ssd KJionandg AWrrthkuar abjndas rtyhe SAsaiiiol,;ore ASwermnsahi rewoisdew thhrehw rerthew ffsoerewast....}  
-------------------------------------------------  
Monkeys:  
[While typing and scratching itself in the head] Eeek! Eeeeaaa!  
  
{One monkey pulls out a sheet of paper, crumples it, then throws it at another monkey. That monkey, in turn, crumples a piece   
of paper and throws it back, but hits a different monkey. Then that monkey does the same and so on, until a full-blown crumpled   
paper fight ensues.}  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
On second thought, nix the monkeys.  
Perhaps if we used ten bunnies....  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
....ouchie....  
  
*thud*  
*WÄM!* Øw! Whät did yøu hït më før?!?  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Just making sure.  
Yøu faakyng bästärd.  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
*WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!  
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!  
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!*  
..............................øwïe....  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
^_____^  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
We apologize for the fault in the   
fanfiction. The original author and   
cast members have been reinstated.   
The ten monkeys have just been sacked.  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
{The scene cuts to the author reading the above section of this chapter.}  
  
Jason:  
[Shakes his head and sighs] Who the hell came up with that stupid notion about ten monkeys and ten typewriters   
and a work of Shakespear? Or something like that. [Shakes his head] Gah! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'd better get to work   
fixing this....  
  
{As the author types away at his laptop, a pair of eyes watches from the shadows... until someone turned on the light switch.)  
  
Jason:  
[As he turns around] Hey, thanks.... [Points angrily] YOU!  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Jumps] Kyaa!  
  
Man:  
[Glances down at Chibiusa] Hmm? Who's the kid with the pink hair?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Starts to run away] Damn, I didn't think he'd see me so soon....  
  
Man:  
[Blinks] Did I just say 'pink' hair? [Glances at Jason] Hey Ulloa, you writing your stories again?  
  
Jason:  
[Laughs sheepishly] How'd you guess?  
  
Man:  
[Turns to leave] Just try to keep the fiction as fiction, all right? We don't want another EVA or Gundam or Labor or   
any other large mecha wrecking the place like last time. You're lucky we let you use your reality-warping laptop in the shop,   
anyway.  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs] Yeah, yeah, I know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a Rabbit to catch.  
  
Man:  
[Watches as Jason locks his laptop and chases after Chibiusa] At least it's not Pokémon again. [Sighs and walks out]  
-------------------------------------------------  
{After leaving the hut from the previous scene, the group found themselves traveling through a dark forest. The trees were so   
densely packed together that very little sunlight was actually making it through the treetops. Still, there was enough light to travel   
by.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
So, why are we traveling through this forest again?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Because the people of the village we passed a few hours ago told us that the enchanter could be found if we travel   
through these woods.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Flatly] I hope so. If we don't start making some real progress toward finding the Holy Grail, I'm going to have to give   
Jason-san one of my Fire Souls. Or maybe a Flare Sniper to be completely sure.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Glances around the woods] I just hope we get out of these woods soon. I'm getting a bad feeling about this place.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Frowns] Don't tell me your scared, Usagi....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Upset] I'm not! But, I'm still getting a bad feeling about this place....  
  
{As the group went further into the forest, Sailor Moon's bad feeling soon began to spread to the others. The further into the   
forest they traveled, the more uneasy every began to feel. King Arthur and Sailor Moon began to frantically glance about as   
if watching for something to leap out at them, while Sir Bedevere and Mars did the same, but less noticeably. Pluto appeared   
to remain calm, but her eyes darted back and forth, watching intently. There were figures moving through the woods. Tall,   
giant figures. Suddenly, everyone halted in surprise as a twelve foot tall giant knight appeared in front of them. In the woods   
behind him, several other knights were hiding, only letting their heads show.}  
  
Head knight:  
Ni!  
  
Other knights:  
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Warily] Who are you?  
  
Head Knight:  
We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Frightened] No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!  
  
Head Knight:  
The same!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Raising an eyebrow and glancing toward the other Senshi] Ni?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Who are they?  
  
Head Knight:  
We are the keepers of the three sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neeewom'!  
  
A random knight:  
Neeewom!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Also glancing toward the other Senshi] Peng?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Also glancing toward the other Senshi] Neeewom?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Warningly] Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Skeptically] What? From 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neeewom'? What kind of sacred words are those? They sound stupid!  
  
Head Knight:  
[Angry] How dare you mock the three sacred words of the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!  
  
A random knight:  
Nee!  
  
Head Knight:  
[Turns toward the knight] No, no. The word's 'Ni'.  
  
A random knight:  
I like 'Nee' better.  
  
Head Knight:  
But the word's spelled 'Ni'.  
  
A random knight:  
[Points at the Disclaimer thingy] But the author spelled the word 'Nee'. See? Nee!  
  
Head Knight:  
[Frowns angrily] Well, the author is wrong! The word is 'Ni'! 'Ni', I say! Ni!!!  
  
A random knight:  
[Stubbornly] Nee!  
  
Head Knight:  
[Furiously] Ni! [Points] Look! Even the name of this chapter is spelled 'Ni'! Ni!!!  
  
A random knight:  
That could be a mistake. Nee!!!  
  
Head Knight:  
[Insistantly] There is no mistake! Ni!!!  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Actually, it is 'Ni', but I'm too lazy to fix it on all of my chapters," on it.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Rolling her eyes in exasperation] Figures....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Bringing out her attack rod and starts to perform her attack] Moon gorgeous meditation!  
  
A random knight:  
[Attack hits knight, destroying him] Nee!!!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Scratching her head] Eh? [To Mars] Wasn't he supposed to say 'stage out'?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
I think that was only with the Lemures..  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Oh.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Flatly] Don't you think that was a little bit extreme?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Do you want to say in this story any longer than necessary, Setsuna-san?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Considering] ...never mind.  
  
Head Knight/Random knights/King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Head Knight:  
[To the other knights] Do any more of you prefer the spelling 'Nee'?  
  
Random knights:  
....  
  
Head Knight:  
[Nods in satisfaction] Good. [Turns to the others] The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Reverent] Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.  
  
Head Knight:  
Ni!  
  
Random knights:  
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Wincing] Ow! Ow! Aagh!  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars/Pluto:  
[Blinks and sweatdrops] ....  
  
Head Knight:  
We shall say 'Ni' again to you if you do not appease us.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Confused] What was that?!? How could someone saying 'Ni' hurt?  
  
King Arthur:  
I don't understand, either. We're just going along with what the script says.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Sighs] Damn script. Damn story. [Brandishing a fist skyward] Damn you, Jason-san!!!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Dryly] Are you finished?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Flatly] Shut up.  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Knights] Well, what is it you want?  
  
Head Knight:  
We want... [Dramatic pause] ...a shrubbery!  
  
{The sound of a dramatic chord being played could be heard throughout the forest.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Glancing around] Did you guys hear that?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods] Yeah. What was that all about anyway?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shrugs] Who knows?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Confounded look] A what?  
  
Head Knight/Random knights:  
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Cringing] Ow! Oh!  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars/Pluto:  
[Exchanging glances] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Begging] Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Curiously] What is a shrubbery anyway?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[To Sailor Moon] Shh!  
  
Head Knight:  
You must return here with a shrubbery, or else you will never pass through this wood... alive.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Smirks] Wanna bet?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "I think you'd lose that bet... if you know what I mean," on it.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Growls] Damn you, Jason-san....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Relieved] O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.  
  
Head Knight:  
One that looks nice.  
  
King Arthur:  
Of course.  
  
Head Knight:  
And not too expensive.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Patiently] Yes.  
  
Head Knight:  
And....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Cuts him off] Don't push it.  
  
Head Knight:  
[Continues as if he was never interrupted and points] Now... go!  
-------------------------------------------------  
{The scene cuts to the author stretching in his chair.}  
  
Jason:  
[Yawns] All right.... That's another one down. [Stands up] Getting hungry. Better lock the laptop before I go. [Locks   
laptop and leaves]  
  
{Moments after the author leaves, Chibiusa comes out of hiding with the Narrator close behind her.}  
  
Narrator:  
Now, tell me again why I'm here?  
  
Chibiusa:  
Because you've got nothing better to do now that the chapter's over.  
  
Narrator:  
So? I can wait till next chapter.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Raises an eyebrow skeptically] Then why are you here?  
  
Narrator:  
[Grimaces] ...oh, shut up.  
  
{Chibiusa walks over to the laptop and presses the Ctrl, Alt, and Del buttons simultaneously. A window pops up requesting a   
password.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Thinks] Hmm....  
  
{She tries several combinations of names, numbers, etc. but fails to unlock the laptop.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Walks up] No luck?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[As Narrator idly taps a few keys] No, I couldn't figure out his password.... [Stares in shock as Narrator hits Enter and   
the laptop unlocks] What the...?  
  
Narrator:  
[Laughs sheepishly] Well... how about that?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Sweatdrops] At any rate.... [Sits down in front of the laptop and starts looking through his files]  
  
Narrator:  
[Confused] Haven't you done this before?  
  
Chibiusa:  
Yeah, but I never looked in any of them. There was something in here that caught my interest and I wanna see what it is.   
[Continues searching] Ah! Here it is!  
  
Narrator:  
[Reads filename] Senshi-Seiyuu.mdb? Isn't that an MSAccess database file? [Thinks] Seiyuu? What's a seiyuu?  
  
Chibiusa:  
A Seiyuu is a voice actor or actress. Hey, wanna see what's in it?  
  
Narrator:  
[Nods] Sure. Open it up.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Double-clicks file] Eh? Another password? [To Narrator] Do you remember what his password is?  
  
Narrator:  
[Nods and types it in, then hits Enter] There we go.  
  
{Both blink in surprise as a second password prompt pops up.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
Eh?!? Another one?!? [Grumbles] What is with this guy and passwords anyway?  
  
Narrator:  
Well, you did steal his laptop once.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Sighs] Okay... Let's try another password, okay? [Tries a password] Damn. No good.  
  
Narrator:  
Let me try. [Tries a password] Same here.  
  
Chibiusa:  
This time for sure! [Tries a password]  
  
{The third password fails and the database closes.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Grumbles] Damn....  
  
Narrator:  
[Watches as Chibiusa fiddles around with the file] What are you doing?  
  
Chibiusa:  
Ami-chan and Ryo-kun showed me a few things about computers. I wanna try something.  
  
{Chibiusa fiddled around with the file's coding, saved it to a copy of the file, then tried to open it.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Grins] There! No more passwords! Now, let's see what's in it.  
  
{As the file opens, the program begins to display some weird characters, letters, and numbers, then causes the program to   
corrupt. Suddenly, the laptop's screen began to light up and glow.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Eyes widen] Eh?!?  
  
Narrator:  
[Eyes also widen] What the hell did you do?!?  
  
{As the screen continued to brighten, the author walked into the room and halted in shock.}  
  
Jason:  
[Staring] What the hell did you do to my laptop?!?!?  
  
{Suddenly, the laptop stops glowing as the Sailor Senshi all suddenly appear in non-Senshi form, lying dazed on the floor.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Blinks] What happened, Jason-san? Why is everyone here all of a sudden?  
  
Jason:  
[To the Senshi] Usagi? Rei? Ami? Makoto? Minako? Hotaru? Haruka? Michiru? Setsuna? Ryoku? Are you all okay?  
  
{The Senshi slowly get to their feet, each one in various stages of being dazed and confused. Usagi is the first one to come to   
her senses.  
  
Chibiusa:  
Usagi? Are you all...?  
  
Usagi:  
[Blinks in confusion] Usagi? Who's that?  
  
Narrator:  
[Confused] Why does she sound different?  
  
Jason:  
[Eyes widen] Uh-oh.... [To Usagi] What's your name?  
  
Usagi:  
Katsuragi Misato. [Glances around] Um, where the hell am I anyway?  
  
Haruka:  
[Blinks in confusion] Misato-san? You can't be. You sound like her, but you don't look like her.  
  
Usagi:  
[Whirls around to stare at Haruka] That voice...! Shinji-kun? What happened to you?!? You're a girl!!!  
  
Haruka:  
[Stares at herself] What?!? [Eyes widen in shock] AAAH!  
  
Jason:  
[Groans] Oh, damn.... [Turns toward Chibiusa and the Narrator] What did you two do with my laptop? What did you   
change?  
  
Narrator:  
Chibiusa altered a file called "Senshi-Seiyuu.mdb".  
  
Jason:  
[Grimaces] I thought so....  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Worredly to Jason] What is it, Jason-san?  
  
Jason:  
Remember when you altered my database file? That file contained listings of each Sailor Senshi's Japanese voice   
actresses - and the one voice actor I chose for Ryoku - as well as cross-references to characters in other anime series that the   
seiyuu have worked in. Well, what happened after you messed around with my database is that it got corrupted and pulled   
the Senshi out of my fic, then swapped their minds with another character that the Senshi's seiyuu provided the voice for.  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Confused] Huh?  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs patiently] Okay. For example, remember when Usagi called herself Katsuragi Misato? Well, Usagi's seiyuu is   
Mitsuishi Kotono, and she also provided the voice for Misato from the series Neon Genesis Evangelion.  
  
{The author was suddenly interrupted as Usagi pulled the tab back on a Yebisu beer and started chugging it.}  
  
Jason:  
[Puzzled] Umm... how the hell did that get in here?  
  
{Usagi downs the whole can, then slams it down on the nearby table.}  
  
Usagi:  
[Excitedly] YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Haruka:  
[Exasperated sigh] She's still the same Misato-san....  
  
Jason:  
[Nods toward Haruka] Case in point. Haruka's seiyuu is Ogata Megumi, who also provided the voice for Ikari Shinji,   
also from Evangelion.  
  
Narrator:  
So, each Senshi is a different person from a different anime?  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Well, just be glad that Usagi didn't end up with the mind of Excel Excel from Excel Saga. I don't think we could   
survive that amost of insanity. Besides, she speaks too fast for me to understand.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Flatly] Doesn't sound that much different from Usagi.  
  
Jason:  
[Contemplative expression] Well... now that you mention it....  
  
Narrator:  
So, who're the others now?  
  
Jason:  
[Glancing over at the others] Well....  
  
{As Jason, Chibiusa and the Narrator watched Ryoku and Michiru started to fight - Michiru saying something about a sister   
named Kurumi, and Ryoku saying something about a girl named Akane. Rei was crying very, very, VERY loudly for someone   
named Eiko, while Makoto tried to calm her while smirking devilishly to herself. Minako was watching everything with a very   
bewildered expression on her face and murmuring something about wishing someone named Motoki was there, but she seemed   
to have found herself a white lab coat from somewhere, perhaps the same place where the Yebisu came from. Hotaru cracked   
her knuckles while mentioning that she'd take on Ryoku or Michiru - whoever won - and said something to herself, although a   
word that sounded a little like 'Ehrgeiz' could just barely be heard. Setsuna just stared at Usagi with a look of absolute   
confusion, seeing that she had passed out drunk surrounded by several dozen Yebisu beer cans - the source of which, unknown.   
On the other hand, Ami seemed to be examining Jason's laptop with some interest.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Noticing Ami's interest in Jason's laptop] Ami-chan?  
  
Jason:  
[Walks over toward Ami] Like it?  
  
Ami:  
[Without looking away from the laptop] There seems to be some sort of... power residing in this machine. Strange...   
even considering that this is a Hewlett-Packard. And it runs Windows ME.  
  
Jason:  
[Frowns] So, it's an HP. It works for me, all right?  
  
Ami:  
[Glances over at him] I can feel mystical energies inside this computer. Almost... divine, in some respects.  
  
Narrator:  
[Blinks] Divine? As in, god-like?  
  
Jason:  
[As Chibiusa stares at him] Don't look at me like that! You're the one who messed around with it!  
  
Chibiusa:  
But, I only changed some of the coding! Your laptop made everyone go nuts!!!  
  
Narrator:  
[To Jason] I've been meaning to ask; how come your laptop has the ability to change things, especially in the fanfiction   
universe?  
  
Jason:  
Well.... [Glances over at Ami, who turns back toward the laptop]  
  
Ami:  
[Considering look] It almost feels like my sister's work.... Yes, I think Belldandy had a hand in empowering this laptop.   
[Grins] Of course, I could've done better. I would've added some extra memory, some new drivers, a Yggdrasil-net connector,   
maybe a few game controllers....  
  
Chibiusa:  
[To Jason] Who's Belldandy?  
  
Jason:  
Someone I met during one of my earlier trips into the fanfiction universe. I accidentally ended up doing her a favor, so she   
used her goddess powers to keep my HP from crashing as much as a bumper car on crack.  
  
Narrator:  
[Sweatdrops] Interesting way of putting it, Jason-san.  
  
Jason:  
[Grins] Say, Skuld-chan, do you think you can put in a larger-capacity hard drive, too?  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Blinks] Skuld?  
  
Jason:  
[Nods at Chibiusa and Narrator] Yep. Ami's seiyuu provided the voice for Skuld from Aa! Megami-sama, you know. [Turns back   
to Ami] What do you think you can do with the video card?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Upset] Forget your damn laptop upgrades for a minute!!! Aren't you gonna fix this mess?  
  
Jason:  
You mean, the one you created by screwing around with my laptop? [Frowns] By the way, how'd you get in? I had the thing   
locked.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Points at Narrator] She did it.  
  
Narrator:  
[Angrily] Chibiusa!!!  
  
Jason:  
[Tiredly] All right! All right! [To Ami] Hey, Skuld-chan, you think you can give me a hand with this?  
  
Ami:  
[Grins] Sounds like fun.  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
....  
  
{As Jason and Ami work on the laptop, Chibiusa and the Narrator watch the others with some worry. Ryoku was attempting   
some manuver called "Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken", while Michiru quickly evaded the attack. Hotaru was practicing a similar   
move she called "Beat Rush", while Setsuna was staring down at Usagi and laughing at how stupid she looked drunk.}  
  
Setsuna:  
[In a young, boyish voice] Wait'll Mom and Dad find out you were drinking, Usagi. You'll be in so much trouble. [Laughs]  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Irritated] Hey, Jason-san! Either hurry it up, or at least tell us who's who!  
  
Ami:  
[Smugly] There! Nothing to it compared to debugging the Yggdrasil system.  
  
Jason:  
All right! [Sits down] Now to fix this mess. I've gotta rebuild the corrupted copy of the database, one Senshi at a time,   
before I can delete the copy. First, I'll take care of Ryoku.  
  
{As Ami, Chibiusa and the Narrator watch over his shoulder, he quickly rewrites the coding of his database and opens it. He then   
opens up the record for Ryoku.}  
  
Jason:  
[Reads as he types] Name: Kino Ryoku; Seiyuu: Yamaguchi Kappei; See also: Saotome Ranma(Ranma½).  
  
{As soon as he saves the first record, Ryoku begins to disappear.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Glances behind her] Um... you might want to take care of Hotaru next, Jason-san.  
  
Jason:  
[Sees Hotaru headed for Michiru] Point taken. All right, then.... [Starts typing] Name: Tomoe Hotaru; Seiyuu: Minaguchi   
Yuko; See also: Tifa Lockheart(Ehrgeiz{game}). [To Narrator] You have no idea how long it took me to find that one.  
  
{As soon as he saves the record, Hotaru begins to disappear.}  
  
Jason:  
Who's next?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Points at Rei] Her! All that crying is getting on my nerves!  
  
Narrator:  
[Winces] And she's so loud!  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Got it. [Starts typing] Name: Hino Rei; Seiyuu: Tomizawa Michie; See also: Kotobuki Siiko[C-ko](Project: A-ko).  
  
{As soon as he saves the record, Rei begins to disappear.}  
  
Makoto:  
[Glances around wildly] Siiko! Where did...? [Notices everyone gathered at the laptop] I bet you had a hand in this....  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Frightened] Uh-oh.... Mako-chan looks pissed and she's coming right at us!  
  
Jason:  
[Casually] Don't worry about it.  
  
Makoto:  
[Removes her blouse and skirt and points her right forearm at them] Akagiyama missles! [Pauses and blinks in surprise] Eh?   
[Looks down at herself and sees that she's only in her bra and panties] Aah! [Dives toward her discarded clothes] My Akagiyama-23   
biosuit! Where is it? I know I was wearing it before I left the house!  
  
{Everyone performed one mass sweatdrop.}  
  
Jason:  
At any rate.... [Starts typing] Name: Kino Makoto; Seiyuu: Shinohara Emi; See also: Daitokuji Biiko[B-ko](Project: A-ko).  
  
{As soon as he saves the record, Makoto begins to disappear.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Sighs in relief] Saved....  
  
Jason:  
All right, then. How about I choose.... [Points at Minako] ...her?  
  
Minako:  
[Points at herself] Who... me?  
  
Jason:  
[Starts typing] Name: Aino Minako; Seiyuu: Fukami Rica; See also: Nishimura Reika(Sailor Moon)  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Blinks] Eh? Reika-san? She was Reika-san?  
  
Jason:  
[Looking at Chibiusa] You didn't notice the voice similarities? [Grins] I bet you didn't know that both Umino and Zoisite   
had the same seiyuu either. Or that Queen Beryl and Luna had the same seiyuu.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Boggling] Eh?!?  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks] I thought you didn't.  
  
Narrator:  
Can we get on with this? This chapter has been dragging on for way too long as it is. Especially considering that we're -   
once again - going way far out into left field of this story, to use an expression.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Right. Well then.... [Starts typing] Name: Kaiou Michiru; Seiyuu: Katsuki Masako; See also: Natsume(Ranma½).  
  
{As soon as he saves the record, Michiru begins to disappear.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Points] Hey, how come you didn't add her last name?  
  
Jason:  
You'd have to see the Ranma½ OVA for the answer to that.  
  
Narrator:  
Do you realize how many obscure references you're putting into this section of the story? This isn't Mystery Science   
Theater 3000, you know.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Blinks] Eh?  
  
Jason:  
[Raises an eyebrow] Now who's making the obscure references? [Shrugs] Anyway, I'm only doing this for the hell of it.   
I thought it'd be fun to write.  
  
Narrator:  
You mean, you were in desperate need for some filler before the Launcelot chapter.  
  
Jason:  
[Winces] Um....  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Glares at him] And this was the best you could think of?!?  
  
Narrator:  
[Dryly] I'd be surprised if anyone is still reading after all this nonsense you've written. Is this even a Sailor   
Moon/Monty Python crossover anymore?  
  
Jason:  
[Sweatdrops] Can I just get on with this?  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Flatly] Please do.  
  
Jason:  
Let's see.... [Starts typing] Name: Meiou Setsuna; Seiyuu: Kawashima Chiyoko; See also: Tsukino Shingo(Sailor Moon).  
  
{As soon as he saves the record, Setsuna begins to disappear.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Extreme boggling] Eh?!? Shingo?!? Puu was Shingo?!?  
  
Jason:  
Well, it was either him or Sakurada Haruna.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Still boggling] She's also Sakurada-sensei?!?  
  
Jason:  
[Smirking to himself] I think I'm beginning to enjoy this.  
  
Narrator:  
[Sighs to herself and shakes her head] I'm beginning to regret taking this job....  
  
Jason:  
Now.... [Starts typing] Name: Ten'ou Haruka; Seiyuu: Ogata Megumi; See also: Ikari Shinji(Neon Genesis Evangelion).  
  
{As soon as he saves the record, Haruka begins to disappear.}  
  
Usagi:  
[Snoring in a drunken stupor] Zzzz....  
  
Jason:  
[Glancing at Usagi] I almost wish I had a camera right now.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Staring] She's gonna have one hell of a hangover after this.  
  
Jason:  
I'll fix that later. Maybe.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Does a double-take] Is she drooling?  
  
Narrator:  
[Counting] 18 empty Yebisu cans.... Is that humanly possible?  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs] Clean up is gonna be a pain.... [Starts typing] Name: Tsukino Usagi; Seiyuu: Mitsuishi Kotono; See also: Katsuragi   
Misato(Neon Genesis Evangelion).  
  
{As soon as he saves the record, Usagi begins to disappear.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Glancing at Ami] One more to go.  
  
Ami:  
[Glancing down at herself] Eh? Oh, I see. [Grumbles] I could expect this of Urd... or maybe even Peorth... but it's hard   
to see Belldandy's work causing this kind of mischief.  
  
Narrator:  
[Dryly] Mischief? That's an understatement.  
  
Ami:  
[To Jason] May I? [Gestures toward the laptop]  
  
Jason:  
[Frowns] Do you have to? I mean, what about my laptop...?  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Sternly] Jason-san....  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs] All right, all right.... [Moves aside]  
  
Ami:  
[Sits down] Here we go. [Starts typing] Name: Mizuno Ami; Seiyuu: Hisawaka Aya; See also: Skuld(Aa! Megami-sama!).  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Puzzled] Um... how did you...?  
  
Ami:  
[Smiles] Know all of that? I'm a Goddess Second-class, Limited. I have my resources.  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Sharing confused glances] If you say so....  
  
Ami:  
[To Jason] By the way, Jason-san, you might want to work on the security of your laptop a bit. I mean, if those two   
could break into it, anyone can.  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Indignant] Hey!  
  
Jason:  
[Thinks] Hmm.... Well, I've already locked it down as much as I could. [Grins] But I suppose you've got access to   
something that could help me, right?  
  
Ami:  
[Considers] Well....  
  
Jason:  
Ice cream. 50 gallons. Your choice of flavors.  
  
Ami:  
[Eagerly] Deal!  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Facefault] ....  
  
{As soon as he saves the record, Ami begins to disappear.}  
  
Jason:  
[Leans back in his chair] Well, that's that. [Sternly] Hold it.  
  
{Chibiusa and the Narrator stopped just before they reached the door and exchanged nervous glances.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Whispers] I told you he'd catch us!  
  
Narrator:  
[Whispers] You weren't sneaking away quietly enough!  
  
Jason:  
[Calmly] I hope you realize that I still haven't forgotten that you two broke into my laptop. Do you know what this means?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Anxiously] Would it help if I said I was sorry?  
  
Jason:  
[Flatly] Don't bother. I've already decided what to do.  
  
Narrator:  
[Gulps audibly] What's that?  
  
Jason:  
[Grins evilly] You'll both find out... at the end of this story.  
  
{Suddenly, the author began to chuckle wickedly. His laughter steadily grew until he began to laugh maniacally, enough to make   
Professor Souichi Tomoe proud.}  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Sweatdrops] .... [To each other] I've got a bad feeling about this....  
-------------------------------------------------  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 10: The Tale of Sir Launcelot  
  
Questions? Comments? Wondering when the hell I'm going to get back to the original storyline?  
E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	11. Chapter 10: The Tale of Sir Launcelot

A Grail?!? A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy. By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine. If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter 10: The Tale of Sir Launcelot  
  
{The narrator calmly walks into the room and stands before a table where the author is busy typing away at his laptop. Without a word, she kneels down onto one knee, bows her head, and waits.}  
  
Jason:  
[Without looking up from his laptop] Say the line, please.  
  
Narrator:  
[Without moving her head] Yes, sir. [Clears her throat] The Tale of Sir Launcelot.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Thank you. [Continues typing]  
  
{The narrator continues to wait for over fifteen minutes without moving before her impatience starts to get to her.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Lifts her head to look at him] Um, can I go now?  
  
Jason:  
[Stops typing and turns to look at her] I'm still upset at you for what you and Chibiusa did last chapter, you know.  
  
Narrator:  
[Winces] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Leans back in his chair] I was almost finished and would've dismissed you in a couple of minutes before you interrupted me.  
  
Narrator:  
[Winces harder] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Grins wickedly] But, I can tell you're in a hurry, so I'll tell you what. I'll be more than happy to let you be on your way.  
  
Narrator:  
[Looks relieved] Really?  
  
{As the author nods, a long red rope suddenly drops from the ceiling to hang a short distance to the author's right. The narrator's eyes widen tremendously as soon as she sees the rope.}  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks as he reaches for the rope] I take it you recognize this rope.  
  
Narrator:  
[Nods timidly] ....  
  
Jason:  
Then, you know what's going to happen next?  
  
Narrator:  
[Nods] I've seen Excel Saga. [Begs] Please, not the Pit!  
  
Jason:  
But, I thought you wanted to leave. I'm just going to help you leave this room as quickly as possible. [Tugs on rope]  
  
Narrator:  
[Cringes] NO!!! AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....  
  
{The author smirks as the narrator is catapulted out of the room through the window and sent flying into the distance. He continues to watch until the body flies out of sight with a bright twinkling light, animé-style.}  
  
Jason:  
Surprise! [Waves] Have a nice flight! [Turns back to his laptop and continues typing] I didn't have time to dig a pit, anyway....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{In a swamp in the southwestern area of England, a rather pallid-looking young man stood at the window to his room and stared outside wistfully. Behind him, an older man - his father - walked up to stand beside him. He was about to open his mouth and speak when a strage sound caught their attention. The two turned their gazes out the window in time to see what looked like a young woman hurtling at high speeds past their castle.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Flying past the castle] ...aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....  
  
Son:  
[Blinking] Father, what was that?  
  
Father:  
[Blinks as well, but shakes his head] It doesn't matter. Anyway, lad.... [Gestures toward the window dramatically] One day, all this will be yours!  
  
Son:  
[Glancing around the window] What, the curtains?  
  
Father:  
[Idly smacking him upside the head] No, not the curtains, lad. [Gestures again] All that you can see, streched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.  
  
Son:  
[Protesting weakly] But Mother-  
  
Father:  
Father, lad. Father.  
  
Son:  
B-but Father, I don't want any of that.  
  
Father:  
[Walking around the room while gesticulating gradiously] Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. [Pause] It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. [Pause] That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. [Pause] That was sacked by a pack of rabid bunnies, burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.  
  
Son:  
But I don't want any of that. I'd rather....  
  
Father:  
[Irritably] Rather what?  
  
Son:  
I'd rather... [Music starts playing while the scene focuses solely on him] just... [Extends his arm out into the air and poses as if preparing to sing in an opera or something] sing!  
  
Father:  
[Runs on scene, waving his arms] Stop that! Stop that! [Glares at his son while the music winds down and stops] You're not going into a song while I'm here. [Grabs his son and turns him around to look at him] Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.  
  
Son:  
But I don't want land.  
  
Father:  
[Grabs his son by the arms] Listen, Alice-  
  
Alice:  
Herbert.  
  
Father:  
Herbert. [Points outside] We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get!  
  
Herbert:  
But.... But I don't like her.  
  
Father:  
[Smacks his son on the shoulder] Don't like her?!? [Smacks his other shoulder] What's wrong with her?!? [Starts walking away] She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge....  
  
{He starts waving both of his hands up and down, palms up, at around chest level until he looks down and realizes what he's doing, then drops his hands to his sides.}  
  
Father:  
...tracts of land!  
  
Herbert:  
I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... [Music starts playing again] a certain... special... something!  
  
Father:  
[Runs on camera, waving his arms again] Cut that out! Cut that out! [Music dies again]  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] On again, off again, on again, off again! Look, make up your minds already! The musicians are getting peeved. We're either playing or not, all right? [Grumbles under his breath] For all the times for the regular music conductor to fall ill.... We told him not to, but would he listen? No. Tomato paste, glue paste, all the same, he says....  
  
Father:  
[Nods irritably] All right, all right! I got it, okay? I already said there'll be no song while I'm here. [Turns around and grabs his son again] Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! [Slaps son across the face then looks over his shoulder toward the door] Guards!  
  
{The father releases his son and turns toward the two guards as they enter the room with lances.}  
  
Father:  
[Points over his shoulder at his son as he heads for the door] Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods] Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Father:  
[Stops] No, no. Until I come and get him.  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods] Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.  
  
Father:  
No, no. [Waves his hands] No. [Points down to the floor] You stay in the room and make sure he... [Points to Herbert] doesn't leave.  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods at Herbert] And you'll come and get him.  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Father:  
[Nods] Right. [Turns and opens the door to leave]  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods] We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.  
  
Father:  
[Steps back into the room] No, no. Leaving the room.  
  
Guard 1:  
Leaving the room. Yes.  
  
Father:  
All right?  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods] Right.  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Father:  
Right. [Starts to leave again]  
  
Guard 1:  
Oh, if... [Struggles to remember] if... if, uh... if... if... ehh... if... if we....  
  
Father:  
[Tiredly] Yes? [Comes back in] What is it?  
  
Guard 1:  
Oh, if... [Still trying to remember] if... oh....  
  
Father:  
[Turns to the second guard] Look, it's quite simple.  
  
Guard 1:  
[Still racking his brain] Uh....  
  
Father:  
You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Father:  
[Takes the hiccup as an affirmative] Right. [Turns to leave]  
  
Guard 1:  
Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?  
  
Father:  
[Blinks] No, no. [Turns to the first guard] No. You just keep him in here and make sure he-  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods and gestures toward Herbert] Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him-  
  
Father:  
[Getting impaitent] No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here-  
  
Guard 1:  
Until you or anyone else-  
  
Father:  
[Holds up a hand] No, not anyone else. [Points to himself] Just me.  
  
Guard 1:  
Just you.  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Father:  
[Glances askance at the hiccuping guard] Get back.  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods] Get back.  
  
Father:  
All right?  
  
Guard 1:  
Right. We'll stay here until you get back.  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Father:  
[Starts to leave, but pauses] And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.  
  
Guard 1:  
[Glances back at the father blankly] What?  
  
Father:  
[Steps back into the room] Make sure he doesn't leave.  
  
Guard 1:  
[Blinks] The Prince?  
  
Father:  
Yes. Make sure he doesn't leave.  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods in realization] Oh, yes, of course.  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Guard 1:  
Ah. I thought you meant him. [Points to the hiccuping guard] You know, it seemed a bit daft, me having to guard him when he's a guard.  
  
Father:  
[Shakes his head in vexation] Is that clear?  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Guard 1:  
[Nods] Oh, quite clear. No problems.  
  
Father:  
Right. [Starts to leave, but stops when he notices that the guards are following him] Where are you going?  
  
Guard 1:  
We're coming with you.  
  
Father:  
No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure he... [Points to Herbert] doesn't leave.  
  
Guard 1:  
Oh, I see. Right.  
  
{The two guards resume their posts.}  
  
Herbert:  
But, Father!  
  
Father:  
[Angrily] Shut your noise, you! [Points to a suit lying on a chair] And get that suit on!  
  
{As the father leaves, Herbert dejectedly sits down on a chair near the window while music starts to play. He turns his head toward the window, opens his mouth and....}  
  
Father:  
[Enters the room again and points at Herbert] And no singing! [Music quickly dies down as the father glares at the author/stand-in music conductor off screen]  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Sorry. Couldn't help it.  
  
Guard 2:  
[Hiccups] ....  
  
Father:  
[Glances at the hiccuping guard] Oh, go get a glass of water.  
  
{After the door clanked closed behind the father, Herbert started to glance around, trying to think of a way out. When his eyes rested on the writing table, he stood up and moved toward the table while trying to act inconspicuous. He grabbed a quill and smiled at the guards. They smiled back. He grabbed a piece of paper and wrote on it while watching the guards. When he finished writing, he slid the paper of the table and rolled it up in his hands, still watching the guards. Then, he reached out and plucked a red ribbon from off the table while continuing to keep an eye on the guards. He shuffled backwards toward the quiver of arrows hanging on the wall and quickly drew an arrow while watching the guards and smiling. They smiled back. He then grabbed the bow off the wall and fitted the arrow to it while watching the guards and smiling. They smiled back. He quickly turned toward the window, drew back the bow, fired the arrow without aiming, and turned back, watching the guards for their reactions. They merely smiled back. After all, all they had to do was keep him from leaving the room.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{A good distance away, Sir Launcelot hopped along with his servant, Concorde, banging away on an empty pair of coconut halves. Jupiter and Venus followed behind him, boredly complaining to each other.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
So, where do you think he disappeared to, Mako-chan?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Folding her arms] Well, we know he didn't go to the bathroom like he told us. He took way too long in getting back here and he was grinning smugly when he did return.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Um... he always grins smugly, Mako-chan.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinks] Eh? Oh.... Never mind, then.  
  
{Sir Launcelot hopped over a small, shallow channel in the ground, while Concorde made the appropriate clopping sounds with his coconut shells.}  
  
Launcelot:  
Well taken, Concorde!  
  
Concorde:  
[Banging coconut shells] Thank you, sir! Most kind!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Approaching another gap in the ground] And again! Over we go! [Jumps] Good. Steady! [Pauses while Concorde catches up to him]  
  
{As the two Sailor Senshi continued to follow Launcelot, a strange noise began to approach the group from overhead. As one, the four all looked up to see a young woman hurtling down toward them.}  
  
Narrator:  
...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinking] Minako-chan, isn't that the narrator up there?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] I think so. Looks like she's about to crash land into the river.  
  
Narrator:  
[Still falling] ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Raises a scorecard that says '4.95'] Eh.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Raises a scorecard that says '3.50'] Poor form.  
  
Concorde:  
[Raises a scorecard that says '1.00'] I've seen rocks more graceful.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Raises a scorecard that shows a picture of a smiley-face blowing a raspberry] You suck.  
  
Narrator:  
[Stands up in the river, extremely dazed] I'm... all right.... Really.... [Spots the scorecards] Boy... tough crowd. [Falls back down, unconscious]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[To Venus] Do you suppose he went to go rescue someone without telling us?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Considers] It'd be just like him. The guy's so reckless.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] Yeah. [Sighs] That reminds me of my long-lost senpai....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] Mako-chan! I know that almost every guy we come across reminds you of your senpai, but-  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinks in surprise] Who said that he reminded me of my senpai? I said that his recklessness reminded me of my senpai. He doesn't look anything like my senpai.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
I see....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Considering] Well, except for the fact that he's kinda tall, like my senpai.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
{While Venus was recovering from her facefault, Launcelot hopped his way over to the river and prepared to hop to a small, flat rock that was sticking out of the stream.}  
  
Launcelot:  
And now, the big one! [Hops and lands on the rock, then waves at Concorde] Come on, Concorde!  
  
{The sound of an arrow whizzing through the air and thunking into something catches Launcelot's attention. He turns around to see an arrow sticking out of Concorde's chest.}  
  
Concorde:  
Message for you, sir. [Falls over]  
  
Launcelot:  
[As he, Jupiter and Venus rush to his side] Concorde! [Shakes him] Concorde! Speak to me!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Eyes widen] Oh my God! They killed Concorde!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shakes a fist into the air] You bastards!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Points] Hey... there's a note on this arrow!  
  
{Launcelot glances around, looking for whoever shot the arrow. Finding no one, he turns back to Concorde and unties the ribbon holding the note to the arrow. He then tosses aside the ribbon and unrolls the note.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Moves around to look over Launcelot's shoulder] What's it say?  
  
Launcelot:  
I'm not sure. You're blocking my light.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Backs up a bit] Oops. Sorry.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Reading the note] 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' [Excited] At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Rolls her eyes and folds her arms] Oh, sure it is. I bet you just want to go just so you can save someone, even if it doesn't have anything to do with the Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods, then sighs] Then again, as 'soldiers of love and justice', it's also our job to save this person. [Grimaces] Even if it means we have to be stuck here for longer than necessary.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods reluctantly] True. Very true. How unfortunate.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Ignores the Senshi as he claps Concorde on the shoulder] Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! [Reaches for his sword, preparing to draw it]  
  
{The moment Launcelot clapped Concorde on the shoulder, Concorde woke up with a start and blinked in bewilderment.}  
  
Concorde:  
[Glancing up at Launcelot] Uh, I'm... I'm not quite dead, sir.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
He's alive! Alive! [Mad cackling]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Holds her head wearily while shaking it] Minako-chan... not now.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Pouts] Aw, you're no fun.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Hesitates with his hand on the hilt of his sword] Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! [Draws his sword]  
  
Concorde:  
[Glances down at himself] I... I think I... could pull through, sir.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Faulters noticeably] Oh, I see.  
  
Concorde:  
[Starts to get up] Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Eyes wide] With an arrow in your chest?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Impressed] This guy's tougher than I thought.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Pushing him back down] No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here!  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Exchanging glances] Sweet Concorde?  
  
Concorde:  
[Looking both confused and embarrassed] ....  
  
Launcelot:  
I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular....  
  
{Launcelot faultered and sighed as he grounded the tip of his sword, trying to remember whatever word he was trying to say.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Helpfully] Madness?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Helpfully] Negligence?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Helpfully] Ineptitude?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Helpfully] Idiocy?  
  
Concorde:  
[Helpfully] Idiom, sir?  
  
Launcelot:  
...idiom! [Raises his sword again]  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Shrugs] Close enough.  
  
Concorde:  
[Starts to get up again] No, I feel fine, actually, sir.  
  
Launcelot:  
Farewell, sweet Concorde! [Runs off]  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Blinking] ....  
  
Concorde:  
[Calling after him] I'll, um... I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? [Glances over at the Senshi]  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Shrug, then run off after Launcelot] Sorry! We'll come back for you later! We promise!  
  
Concorde:  
[Flatly] Yeah. [Sighs and starts drumming his fingers on the ground patiently]  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{Inside Swamp Castle, Princess Lucky was sitting in the main hall getting her hair braided by her handmaidens. She was dressed in her wedding gown and was giggling happily with her handmaidens. A priest walked past the maidens and through the kitchen area, where a large pig was being roasted on a spit. Outside, in the courtyard, several young girls danced in a ring while castle musicians played cheerful, celebratory music. A couple of tables were already set with food laid out in preparation for the feast after the wedding. At the gate of the castle, a small group of guests were arriving.}  
  
Guest:  
[While nodding to the two gate sentries] Morning.  
  
Sentry 1:  
[Nodding] Morning.  
  
Sentry 2:  
Morning.  
  
{The first sentry took a bite of an orange he had grabbed before standing his post and started eating, pausing to spit out a piece of rind he had failed to tear off before biting. It was a pretty boring watch, really. The only thing that was out of the ordinary was the knight that was currently running toward the castle. That, and the two strangly dressed foreign-looking girls who were running along behind him.}  
  
Sentry 1:  
[Still eating] ....  
  
Sentry 2:  
[Watching the approaching group] ....  
  
{Hmm, the trio seemed to be running this way. However, for some reason, now the three were running side-by-side. The two girls seemed very surprised, since the knight was previously running ahead of them.}  
  
Sentry 2:  
[Still watching the approaching group] ....  
  
Sentry 1:  
[Still eating] ....  
  
{Yes, this was just another boring watch. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for a pair of strangly dressed foreign-looking girls who were running toward the castle. That, and a knight that seemed to be running along behind the girls. However, once the two girls realized that the knight was now running behind them, they slowed down and came to a halt, blinking in confusion.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Doesn't this seem strange to you, Mako-chan?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs] Compared to the other things we've been though?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods as Launcelot runs past them] Good point.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Shall we continue?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Do we have to?  
  
Sentry 1:  
[Yes, still eating] ....  
  
Sentry 2:  
[Yes, still watching the approaching group] ....  
  
{Well, now. The two strangly dressed foreign-looking girls seemed to have stopped for some reason, while a knight approached them in the distance.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Waving as Launcelot runs past] Hey! Good to see you again!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Also waving] See you again soon!  
  
Sentry 2:  
[Same old, same old] ....  
  
Sentry 1:  
[Same here] ....  
  
{Once again, the two strangly dressed foreign-looking girls were staying put for some reason, while a knight continued to approach them in the distance.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinks] Wow! I didn't even see him move! It was like... first he's there, and now he's there!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods as Launcelot runs past again] Yeah, I know! [Considers Launcelot as he runs off] Won't he get tired, running so much?  
  
Sentry 1:  
[Yadda, yadda] ....  
  
Launcelot:  
[Suddenly running on screen] Ha ha! [Stabs the sentry] Hiyya! [Chops the sentry on the back of the neck, then runs him though the side, then runs off]  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] All right! Cue the Dramatic Fight Sequence Music®! [Dramatic music begins to play]  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Staring in complete shock] How the hell did he get over there so fast?!?!? [Exchanging blank looks] After him!!! [Runs toward the castle]  
  
Sentry 2:  
[Watching the first sentry keel over] Hey!  
  
{Launcelot quickly ran up through the entry tunnel and started stabbing, slashing, running through, and chopping everything and anything that moved.}  
  
Launcelot:  
[Stab a guest] Ha! [Run a servant through] Hiyya! [Slash a dancing girl] Ha ha! [Chop the wooden support on the musician's platform] Take this! [Stab another guest] Hiyya! [Run another guard through] Huya!  
  
{Mad cackling ensued as Launcelot continued to hack and slash, racking up an impressive body count... for the Dark Ages, that is.}  
  
Jason:  
[Counting off screen as the Dramatic Fight Sequence Music® continued to play] Servant: 100 points. Wedding guest: 150 points. Another servant: 100 points. Guard: 300 points. Another servant: 100- no, 200 points; he got two of 'em. Ooh, three wedding guests: 450 points! [Shouts] Hey, Launcelot! 5000 more points and you get a level-up!  
  
Launcelot:  
[While running up the stairs] Oh, well, that's very kind of you. [Stabs two more servants]  
  
{Suddenly, Launcelot bursts into the main hall where Princess Lucky was sitting, preparing for the wedding.}  
  
Launcelot:  
Ha ha! [Kicks a couple of servants]  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Hey! No experience points for kicking, Launcelot!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Pauses for a moment] Oh, bother. Well, can I maim them, anyway?  
  
Jason:  
[Considers off screen] No, you have to move on.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Droops] Oh. [Shrugs] Well, all right. [Chops an elderly servant] Ha ha!  
  
Jason:  
[Grins off screen at the mayhem] Ahahaha! Mayhem! Mayhem!!! [Cackles wickedly]  
  
{Launcelot runs toward the stairs leading toward the Tall Tower, pausing only to chop a bouquet of flowers in half.}  
  
Jason:  
[Considering off screen] Hmm.... Bouquet: 10 points.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Grins] Well, thank you, sir.  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Continue.  
  
{Launcelot runs up the spiral staircase leading up to the top of the Tall Tower. Once he bursts into the room, the first guard points toward him and tries to remember his orders while Launcelot runs the other guard through, permanently curing him of his hiccups.}  
  
Guard 1:  
[Pointing while thinking] Now, you're not allowed to enter the room- [Gets stabbed] Aaugh! [Dies]  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Okay boys, take five! [Dramatic music ends]  
  
{Launcelot then leaps before Herbert and kneels while bowing his head to the floor, sword in front of him.}  
  
Launcelot:  
[Confidently] O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take y- [Looks up at Herbert and stands up after taking a good look at him] Oh, I'm terribly sorry.  
  
{Herbert stared bewilderly at Launcelot until he remembered the second note tied to an arrow he was holding in his hand. He came to the obvious conclusion.}  
  
Herbert:  
[Smiling happily] You got my note!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Hesitantly] Uh, well, I... got, uh, a note.  
  
Herbert:  
[Taking Launcelot's arm eagerly] You've come to rescue me!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Backing away and looking away uneasily] Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't-  
  
Herbert:  
[Ignoring Launcelot's protests] I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there.... [Music begins to play again]  
  
Launcelot:  
[Getting nervous] Well, I-  
  
Herbert:  
[Going into full-musical mode] ...there must be... [Flourishes his arm] someone....  
  
Father:  
[Running on screen just in time] Stop that! Stop that! [Music dies off yet again] Stop it! Stop it!  
  
{The two Sailor Senshi run into the room just as the music completely dies off.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Pouts] Awww! I thought there was going to be a musical number in here! There goes my grand entrance.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Don't tell me you're still trying to become an idol singer?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shrugs] Well, these people have never had an idol singer before.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Dryly] They've never HEARD of idol singers before.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Grins broadly] All the more reason for me to be the first! [Noticing everyone staring at her] Oh! Um... sorry. We didn't mean to interrupt.  
  
Father:  
[Turns to Launcelot] Who are you?  
  
Herbert:  
[Hurt tone] I'm your son!  
  
Father:  
No, not you.  
  
Launcelot:  
Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir.  
  
Herbert:  
[Pointing] He's come to rescue me, Father.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Exchanging pointed glances with Venus] Oh.... I didn't know he was like that. Did you?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shaking her head] Me, neither! [Pauses] Hey, there's a couple at my school who're like that, too!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Flinches] Well, let's not jump to conclusions.  
  
Father:  
[Pointing irritably] Did you kill all those guards?  
  
Launcelot:  
Uh.... [Dithering] Oh, yes. Sorry.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Eyes widen] You mean, YOU did all that?!? I thought the castle had fallen under attack!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Whistles] Now, I'm really impressed!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Preens] Well, it was nothing, really....  
  
Father:  
Nothing?!? They cost fifty pounds each!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Deflates] Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.  
  
Herbert:  
[Pushes Launcelot toward his father] Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. [Reaches down underneath his writing table] I've got a rope all ready.  
  
{Herbert proceeds to tie the makeshift rope to his bedpost.}  
  
Father:  
You killed eight wedding guests in all!  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] For a total of 1200 points. 4710 points for the entire massacre.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Snaps her fingers] Damn! And I almost had enough experience points to reach the next level, too.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Punches one hand into the other] All right, time for the stage boss! [Finally notices the author] Hey, what are you doing here, anyway? What happened to your signs?  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] I'm filling in for the regular music conductor. Glue paste overdose.  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Father:  
[Glares at the Senshi] Do you think this is a game?!?  
  
{The author and two Sailor Senshi merely shrug, the author doing so off screen.}  
  
Launcelot:  
[Apologetically] I'm really sorry about all this. Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Singing] Yeah! Dude looks like a la-dy!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Sweatdrops and grimaces] I don't know her.  
  
Father:  
[Nods understandingly and reluctantly] I can understand that.  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] About who? Minako or Herbert?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Glaring at author] ....  
  
Herbert:  
[While tossing the rope out the window and preparing to climb out] Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Smirking] Yeah, you don't wanna keep your 'fair maiden' waiting! [Laughs]  
  
Father:  
[To Herbert before Launcelot could say anything to Jupiter] Shut up! [Back to Launcelot] You only killed the bride's father, that's all!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Sheepishly] Well, I really didn't mean to....  
  
Father:  
[Incredulous] Didn't mean to?!? You put your sword right through his head!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Concernedly] Oh, dear. Is he all right?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Sarcastically] Oh, sure. Lots of people go around getting swords shoved through their heads all the time. They get a real kick out of it. It even clears up their sinuses.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Testily] You know, you're really not helping any....  
  
Father:  
You even kicked the bride in the chest! [Worrying] This is going to cost me a fortune!  
  
Launcelot:  
Well, I can explain.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Putting her hands on her hips] I can't wait to hear this one.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Folding her arms] This had better be a better excuse than needing to be excused because you forgot to go to the bathroom before we left the castle, that's all I'm saying.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Ignoring the Senshi] I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-  
  
Father:  
[Blinking at the mention of the castle] Camelot? [Sounding interested] Are you from, uh, Camelot?  
  
Herbert:  
[While dangling from a rope out of the window] Hurry, Sir Launcelot!  
  
Launcelot:  
[While everyone ignores Herbert] Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
He asked if you were from Camelot, not whose knight you are.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[To Jupiter] I think those questions mean the same thing in this time period.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinks] Oh.  
  
Father:  
[Growing more interested] Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country.  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Blinks] Pig country?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Blinks] Is it?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[To Launcelot] We thought you'd know!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] Yeah! You're the one from Camelot. It's not like we're even from around here, or anything.  
  
Father:  
Ah. Foreigners. I was beginning to wonder about the outfits. I figured you two were either foreigners or jesters.  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Glares] What?!?  
  
Herbert:  
[Still dangling] Hurry! I'm ready!  
  
Father:  
[Waves a hand dismissively] Foreigners, jesters, never mind about that. [Gregariously] Would you three, uh, like to come and have a drink?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Pleasantly surprised] Well, that... that's, uh, awfully nice of you....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Um, we're kind of undera-  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Covers Venus' mouth with her hand] Sure. Thank you very much. [Whispers] We don't wanna insult the guy. Besides.... [Grins mischeviously] I'm kinda interested in seeing how these medieval brews taste. [Thoughtfully] I wonder if they're anything like sake....  
  
Herbert:  
[Still hanging around] I am ready!  
  
{As Launcelot and the Senshi are herded out of the room, the father walks over to the rope that Herbert had tied to his bed, draws his knife and cuts through the rope in one swipe.}  
  
Launcelot:  
[While being herded out] ...um, I mean, to be so understanding. Um....  
  
Herbert:  
[While plummeting] Oooh!  
  
Launcelot:  
I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Raising an eyebrow] Sort of carried away?!? You call eight wedding guests, five guards, twenty servants and one flower bouquet being SORT OF carried away?!?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods vehemently] Yeah! Besides, what did that flower bouquet ever do to you?  
  
Everyone else:  
[Blinking] ....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] ...ehehehe.... [Recovers] I mean, you call 34 dead people SORT OF carried away?!?  
  
Father:  
[Waves it off] Oh, don't worry about that.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shrugs] Well, whatever you say.  
  
Herbert:  
[Falling into the swamp] Oooh! [Splat]  
  
{The father led Launcelot and the two Sailor Senshi down from the Tall Tower and into the main hall, where the survivors of Launcelot's attack were gathered, mourning and weeping over the recently slain.}  
  
Father:  
[Gesturing around the hall] Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.  
  
{Upon noticing Launcelot, one guest looked up from the dead body in his arms and pointed accusingly at him.}  
  
Guest #1:  
[Angrily] There he is!  
  
Father:  
[Mutters while the rest of the guests charge Launcelot] Oh, bloody hell.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Folding her arms and leaning against the wall] Well, you started this. You take care of it.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Leaning against the wall as well] Yeah. We're staying out of this. [To the author, off screen] Music, maestro!  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Dramatic Fight Sequence Music®, coming up!  
  
{As the guests charge Launcelot, he suddenly breaks into his... um, idiom and starts hacking and slashing again while Dramatic Fight Sequence Music® begins to play in the background. As the knight once again begins the slaughter with wild abandon, the father runs down the stairs, hoping to stop him before he ends up killing everyone. The two Sailor Senshi watch impassively with bored looks on their faces.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Hey, we've fought youma, daimons, cardians, lemures, etc. We've even died and come back to life. [Points toward the carnage] This... is mild compared to what we've been through.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Still, we'd like to get this done soon, if you don't mind. This is taking WAY too long as it is.  
  
Father:  
[Rushing down the stairs to stop Launcelot] Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!  
  
{Finally, the father was able to come up from behind Launcelot and restrain him.}  
  
Father:  
[Dragging Launcelot back up the stairs] Hold it! Hold it! Please!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Apologetically while the Dramatic Fight Sequence Music® dies off] Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. [To the wedding guests] Sorry! Sorry, everyone.  
  
Guest #2:  
[Shouting] He's killed the best man!  
  
{The rest of the guests start yelling angrily.}  
  
Father:  
[Trying to calm the guests] Hold it! [Waving his arms] Hold it! Please! Hold it! [Confidently] This is Sir Launcelot from the Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today. [Nods behind him] And those two are.... [Faulters]  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Minako Aino.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[To herself] Oh, yeah. They do first names first here.... [Out loud] Makoto Kino.  
  
Father:  
[Nods] They are a couple of foreign travelers who have accompanied Sir Launcelot here today.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Waves cheerfully] Hi!!!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] Yo.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Sheepishly] Hello. [Waves]  
  
Guest #2:  
[Shouting] He killed my auntie!  
  
{The rest of the guests begin shouting again.}  
  
Father:  
[Trying to pacify the guests again] Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock.  
  
Guests:  
[Muttering] ....  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Exchanging looks] Holy wedlock?!? [Pauses]  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] That doesn't mean what I think it means, does it?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Thinking out loud] But, that would mean... that Herbert....  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Eyes go VERY wide] NO WAY!!!  
  
Father:  
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.  
  
Guests:  
[Shocked] Oh! Oh no!  
  
Father:  
But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter!  
  
{The guests began to clap unenthusiastically.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[To Jupiter] They're taking it rather well, don't you think?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs] Eh. Shell shock, I suppose.  
  
Father:  
For, since the tragic death of her father-  
  
Guest #2:  
[Holding up the bride's father] He's not quite dead!  
  
Father:  
[Taken slightly aback] Since the near fatal wounding of her father-  
  
Guest #2:  
He's getting better!  
  
Father:  
[Signals a guard with a quick nod] For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.  
  
Bride's father:  
[Gets stabbed] Uugh!  
  
Guest #2:  
Oh! He's died!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] Hey, wait a minute! Didn't he just.... [Gets cut off as Jupiter puts a hand on her shoulder]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shakes her head] Let it go, Minako-chan. The sooner this is over, the sooner we get the heck outta here.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sighs] Can't we just leave?  
  
{Off screen, the author holds up a sign with the words "Not until the scene is over," on it.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Points] Hey, what gives? What's with the signs all of a sudden?  
  
{Off screen, the author holds up a sign with the words "Well, you were complaining about me not using my usual signs earlier," on it. The sign then flips to show the words "So, I decided to use these signs," on it. The sign then flips again to show the words "Are you satisfied now?" on it.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Bewildered] Say, how did you do that? I didn't see you write anything before you flipped the sign that third time, so how did you erase and write all that so fast?  
  
{Off screen, the author smirks and holds up a sign with the words "Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Technique: Panda Sign Speed Writing," on it. The sign then flips to show the words "Learned by from observing a certain panda for a couple of weeks as he 'communicated'," on it. The sign then flips again to show the words "Very useful if you can only communicate via 'sign language'." on it.}  
  
Everyone present, including the reader:  
[Facefaults while groaning at the obviously horrendous pun] ....  
  
{Off screen, the author sweatdrops and holds up a sign with the words "Oh, stuff it," on it.}  
  
Father:  
[Continues] And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense.  
  
{The guests begin to clap again, even less enthusiastically than before.}  
  
Father:  
And I feel sure that the merger... er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot-  
  
Launcelot:  
[Caught off guard] What?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Smirks] Hey! Didn't you know? Sir Launcelot is g-  
  
Launcelot:  
[Irritably] Quiet you!  
  
Guest #2:  
[Pointing toward the door leading to the courtyard] Look! The dead Prince!  
  
{Concorde, seeming perfectly healed and somehow lacking an arrow in his chest, walks into the main hall, carrying Herbert in his arms.}  
  
Guests:  
[Gasping in shock] Oh! The dead Prince!  
  
Concorde:  
He's not quite dead.  
  
Herbert:  
[Weakly] No, I feel much better.  
  
Father:  
[Angrily] You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Actually, didn't you cut his rope?  
  
Father:  
That's beside the point!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shrugs] Oh. Never mind, then.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
I thought for sure you had died. I mean, a fall from that height....  
  
Herbert:  
[As Concorde puts him down on a table] No, I was saved at the last minute. [Stands]  
  
Father:  
How?!?  
  
Herbert:  
Well, I'll tell you. Maestro, music please.  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Oh, all right, but this is the last time this chapter. Okay boys, we don't stop for anything. Hit it!  
  
{As the happy music begins, the father blanches and starts waving frantically.}  
  
Father:  
[Waving his arms] Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!  
  
Guests:  
[Singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!  
  
Father:  
[Waving his arms again] Shut up!  
  
Guests:  
[Singing again] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!  
  
Father:  
[Etc.] Shut up!  
  
Guests:  
[Etc.] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Glancing toward Venus] Aren't you going to join in on this musical number? Perhaps steal the show?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Giving Jupiter a flat look] This? I may be desperately trying to become an idol singer, but I DO have standards, you know. A respectable idol singer wouldn't be caught dead participatingly in something like this crap. [Snorts]  
  
{As the repetitive singing continued, Concorde managed to signal his master and the two Senshi.}  
  
Concorde:  
[Waving] Quickly, sir! Come this way!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shouting over the noise] Hey! How'd you get the arrow out of your chest?  
  
Concorde:  
No time! [Waves again] Come this way, quickly!  
  
Launcelot:  
No! It's not right for my idiom! [Sheathes his sword]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shoving past him while running down the stairs] Screw your idiom! I'm getting the hell outta here!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Also shoving past] Same here!  
  
Guests:  
[Yes, they are, in fact, STILL singing] He's going to tell about his great escape....  
  
Launcelot:  
[Grabbing a chandelier rope] I must escape more.... [Faulters, then sighs in frustration]  
  
Guests:  
[Still doin' that singing thang] Oh, he fell a long, long, way....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Helpfully] Carelessly?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Helpfully] Foolishly?  
  
Concorde:  
[Helpfully] Dramatically, sir?  
  
Launcelot:  
Dramatically!  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Yelling] Screw dramatically!!! Let's go!!!  
  
Guests:  
[Why won't they stop singing?!?] But, he's here with us today....  
  
Launcelot:  
[Jumps off the stairway and starts swinging] Heee! Hoa!  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen as he sees Launcelot swinging toward him] Hey! Watch where you're...! [Leaps out of the way] ACK!!!  
  
{Launcelot crashes into the podium that the author was conducting the musicians from. However, since he had told them not to stop for anything, they keep playing.}  
  
Jason:  
[Pissed off while off screen] Stay on your side, dumbass! [Kicks him back on screen]  
  
Guests:  
[Unable to stop singing while Launcelot's swings begins to die down] What a wonderful escape!  
  
Launcelot:  
[After rope comes to a stop] Excuse me. Could, uh... could somebody give me a push, please?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Losing patience] You want a push? I'll give you a push!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Also losing patience] Yeah, we'll both give you a great big push! [To Concorde] You might wanna open the doors.  
  
Concorde:  
[Noting the two Senshi's expressions] Certainly, Madam. [Opens the courtyard doors while the two Senshi get into position]  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweetly, but with a slight sneer to her smile] Do you still want us to give you a push?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Missing the inherent danger in that innocent sounding question] Oh, would you, please?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nodding along with Venus] Certainly. [Powering up] Jupiter oak evolution!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Also powering up] Venus love and beauty shock!  
  
{Both attacks crash into Launcelot and send the knight flying through the door, over the castle walls, and far into the distance where disappears with a bright twinkling light, animé-style.}  
  
Concorde:  
[Blinking] Well... uh, that was... um... certainly, uh, dramatic. [To the Senshi] He is... um, still alive, right?  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Yeah. I made sure that their powers would remain non- lethal during this story. [Pauses] Well, except for Usagi's power, but she's a special case. She wouldn't kill anyone just out of annoyance, right? [Quietly to himself] Well, except for that one time, but that was also a special case....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Glancing over to the door where Launcelot had... departed from] Well, normally I'd say yes, but....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Also glancing toward the door] This place can really start to push your buttons, you know what I mean?  
  
Jason:  
[Nods, then glances over at the musicians] Okay, song's over. You're done. That's a rap! [As the musicians leave, the author starts to fade from sight] Well, since that's done, it's back to the signs for me. Later!  
  
Concorde:  
[Blinks] Well. In any case, would you mind if we went after Sir Launcelot now?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Sighs] Yeah, we'd better. This chapter won't end otherwise.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods] At least we're finally done with this madness. Too bad we're only getting more madness to replace it.  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Deep sigh] ....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[As they leave the castle] Say.... [Looks up into the sky where Launcelot faded from view] do you think we might've overdone it a little?  
  
{They give the idea a few seconds of thought.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Shaking their heads] Nah....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{Meanwhile, Launcelot finally started his descent, hurtling down toward the ground. Fortunately, there were several pools of water scattered about the area, giving the knight a fair chance of landing in one. All he had to do was avoid the bamboo poles seemingly scattered everywhere, almost one in each pool.}  
  
Launcelot:  
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]  
  
{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}  
  
Guide:  
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!  
  
{The guide barely managed to drag Launcelot out of the pool with all of his armor still on. He sat down on the ground, breathing hard while Launcelot continued to gasp air into his lungs.}  
  
Guide:  
[Breathing heavily] Aiyaa! Sir... you is... very heavy. Why you... wearing such heavy clothes? [Blinks] In fact, what you doing here? You another traveler?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Sitting up groggily] Uhn.... [Looks around] Where... am I? This place doesn't look familiar.  
  
Guide:  
Sir, this is Legendary Cursed Training Ground, Jusenkyou.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Blinks] Jew-sen-what?  
  
{Suddenly, the author appeared beside Launcelot, startling the poor knight enough to almost send him stumbling back into the pool, except that he had caught him before he fell in.}  
  
Jason:  
[Pulling Launcelot away from the springs] We'll be safer away from the water.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Blinking in complete bewilderment] Safe? From water?  
  
Jason:  
[Examining Launcelot] I take it he fell into an uncursed spring? [Sees the guide nod and laughs quietly to himself] Hmm.... That spring will probably end up becoming Qishiniichuan, Spring of Drowned Gay Knight. [Imitates the Guide's speech pattern] Very tragic story of homosexual knight that fell in spring 1000 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of a gay knight.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Very indignantly] I am NOT gay!!!  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs] Fine. I was only joking about the 'gay' part, you know. [To Guide] Make sure you make a sign for Qishiniichuan, all right? Don't want anyone falling into the newly created Spring of Drowned Knight, do you?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Standing up] Um, excuse me. This is very interesting and all, but can we get make to the others, please? I take it that that's why you're here.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Yes, but I'm just making sure that everything's taken care of first. [To himself] Hmm.... I wonder what would happen if Ranma were to fall in THAT spring...? [Back to Launcelot] At any rate, let's go.  
  
{The author clasps a hand onto Launcelot's shoulder and disappears, taking the knight with him. The Guide stares at the empty space for a while longer until he turns to head back to his house.}  
  
Guide:  
[Shaking his head] Aiyaa.... Now I seen everything. What next? Spring of Drowned Fanfiction Writer?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Don't you even MENTION it! It might give certain people ideas. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Guide:  
[Sweatdrops] Aiyaa....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 11: A Shrubbery!  
  
Questions? Comments? Speculations on how Herbert made his infamous Wonderful Escape? E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	12. Chapter 11: A Shrubbery!

A Grail?!? A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy. By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine. If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter 11: A Shrubbery!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[In vexation] Mako-chan, do you have any idea of where we're going?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Irritably] I told you, Minako-chan, I'm sure that we'll find the others if we head due southeast. We've been traveling north and west for sometime, so they've bound to have headed back by now.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Frowns] That's not what I meant. [Gestures at their surrounding] Just look around.  
  
{Sailor Jupiter glances around the area, which happens to be nothing but empty grassland stretching as far as the eye can see. A few sheep are staring at the two Senshi warily, wondering if they should be somewhere else at the moment and if it wasn't too late to run away.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs] Yeah? So?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
You don't know where the hell we are, do you? We're lost! We're completely lost! There isn't a soul around for kilometers!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
That's not true. [Points at the sheep] See?  
  
Sheep #1:  
[Jumps] Baaah!!! Bah baaah!  
  
Subtitle:  
Crap!!! They've spotted us!  
  
Sheep #2:  
[Nervously] Ba baah baaaaaah!  
  
Subtitle:  
Let's get outta here!  
  
Both sheep:  
[While fleeing] BAA BAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Subtitle:  
RUN AWAY!!!  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
What do you suppose that was about?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
I don't think we'll ever understand the minds of sheep.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Notices Jupiter staring at her] What?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Sighs] Never mind. It's not we could've asked them for directions, anyway.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] Ask a sheep for directions? That sounds kinda stupid if you ask me.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Twitches] .... [Grumbles under her breath] I will not snap.... I will not snap....  
  
{Suddenly, Launcelot appeared before the two Senshi, along with a sign with the words "Surprise! Look what I've got for you! - Jason" on it.}  
  
Launcelot:  
[Blinks uncertainly] Well, that was certain strange. [Notices the Senshi and waves sheepishly] Uh, hello....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Hands on her hips] So, there you are!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Same pose] Where have you been?  
  
Launcelot:  
[Shrugs] Oh, nowhere, really. After that really strong push you gave me - which knocked me clear to China, by the way - the author was nice enough to bring me back here as quickly as possible. Anyway, we've wasted enough time at Swamp Castle. We'd better hurry up, or we'll be late in meeting up with King Arthur. [Turns to leave]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[To Venus] China?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[While rubbing the back of her head in chagrin] Gee, I guess we DID kinda overdo it a little....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Not that we regret it, or anything.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods] Of course not. [Pauses] ...but, the look on his face as he rocketed over the horizon was priceless, wasn't it? [Giggles]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Laughs] Yeah! Such a great stress reliever! After all, who knows what insanity Jason-san is going to inflict on us next?  
  
{The scene quickly changes to show the author typing away at his laptop. He suddenly sneezes.}  
  
Jason:  
[Sniffles as he glances around] ...nah. Couldn't be. [Shrugs] Oh, well. On with the insanity! [Wide grin] Hehehe....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{King Arthur, Sir Bedevere, and the three Sailor Senshi....}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Frowns with her hands on her hips] What? We're not good enough to be mentioned by name as well?  
  
{.... [Sighs] Fine. King Arthur, Sir Bedevere, Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, and Sailor Pluto made their way back out through the forest toward one of the villages they had passed through before. Happy?}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods] Yes. Much better.  
  
{Anyway, the group entered the village, looking to inquire about a shrubbery. [Dramatic chord] Hey! Not now, you idiot!}  
  
Music conductor:  
[Off screen] Oops. Sorry! I was on the wrong page!  
  
{.... [Sighs again] As I was saying, they were looking to inquire about a shrubbery. [Dramatic chord] Cut that out!!!}  
  
Music conductor:  
[Also off screen] Sorry! My fault! It was an accident! [Whispers to the band members] I told her it was an accident.  
  
Band members:  
[Chuckling off of the screen] ....  
  
{[Coldly] ...don't make me kill you.}  
  
Music conductor:  
[Very much off screen] ....  
  
Band members:  
[Yes, they are still off screen] ....  
  
Music conductor/Band members:  
[Amongst themselves while still way off the screen] Scary....  
  
{As I was saying.... [Glares at the music conductor] They were looking to inquire about a shrubbery. [Quickly glares at the music conductor]}  
  
Music conductor:  
[Whistling innocently while not on the screen] ....  
  
{Good boy. Anyway, the village appeared to be empty, with the exception of one old woman was swinging a cat by its tail against the wall of her house for some incomprehensible reason. Must be a Dark Ages thing, I guess.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Gasps as she sees the cat] Oh no! Luna!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Shakes her head] That's not Luna. That's just a black cat.  
  
Cat:  
[Being hit against the wall] Rewr! [Whack] Rewr! [Whack] Rewr! [Whack]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Concernedly] Shouldn't someone do something about that?!? It's cruelty to animals! Especially cats!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
The ASPCA doesn't exist yet, Usagi-chan. It won't exist for several hundreds of years.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Fumes] How terrible! Then, I'll stop th-  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shouting] Old crone!  
  
{The old crone stops beating the cat against the wall and comes out of the house.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinking] That's not what I had in mind, but.... [Shrugs]  
  
King Arthur:  
Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [Dramatic chord]  
  
{THAT'S IT!!! YOU DIE!!!}  
  
Music conductor/Band members:  
[Oh boy, is this ever off screen] AHH!!! RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!! [Runs away with the narrator chasing them... all off screen, in case you haven't noticed]  
  
Old crone:  
[Glances around suspiciously] Who sent you?  
  
King Arthur:  
The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.  
  
Old crone:  
[Staggers] Aaugh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Points] There they go with that 'Augh' thing again. What's so bad about saying 'Ni'?  
  
Old crone:  
[Staggers again] Aaugh!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Gasps] Oops! [Waves her hands frantically] Sorry!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Shakes her head] Usagi....  
  
King Arthur:  
If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... [Pauses] ...we will say... [Pauses again] ...'ni'.  
  
Old crone:  
[Groans painfully] Aah! Do your worst!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Impressed] Wow. She's a tough old lady.  
  
Sailor Moon/Pluto:  
[Nods] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Firmly] Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily.... [Glances around]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Hesitantly] Um... you're not really going say it, are you?  
  
King Arthur:  
...'ni'!  
  
Old crone:  
[Straining] No! Never! No shrubberies!  
  
King Arthur:  
Ni!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Nu!  
  
{The old crone is writhing in pain while the two knight say 'ni'.}  
  
King Arthur:  
No, no, no, no.... It's 'ni'! You're not doing it properly.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Ni!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Points] That's it! You've got it!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
Ni!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Very upset] Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see you're hurting that poor old lady?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighs regretfully] I don't want to do this, but we need a shrubbery if we want to appease the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.  
  
Old crone:  
Aaugh!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Usagi-chan, King Arthur did try being reasonable first. Sometimes things have to be done this way. [Reluctantly] Ni.  
  
Old crone:  
Aaugh!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shocked] Not you, too, Setsuna-san?!?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Grimly] If we want to find the Holy Grail, this must be done. [Louder] Ni!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere/Sailor Pluto:  
Ni!  
  
Man:  
Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?  
  
{Everyone turned to look at the man who had just arrived riding a cart full of assorted potted garden plants.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ashamedly] Erm... yes.  
  
Man:  
[Despondently] Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.  
  
King Arthur:  
Did you say 'shrubberies'?  
  
Man:  
[Nods] Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Roger the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Smiles] How very convenient.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Ni!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Quickly restraining him] No! No, no, no, no!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Relieved] Oh, thank goodness you're here! Can we get a shrubbery, please, Mr. Roger the Shrubber?  
  
Roger the Shrubber:  
Just 'Roger' will be fine, miss.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Mr. Roger, we are in great need of a shrubbery of excellent quality.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods] Yes, we need one that's 'nice, but not too expensive'.  
  
Roger:  
'Nice, but not too expensive' is it? I believe I can arrange a good shrubbery for you. Where do you require me to place the shrubbery?  
  
King Arthur:  
It is for the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.  
  
Old crone:  
Aaugh!  
  
King Arthur:  
Oh, hush you.  
  
Roger:  
Ah, you want to pass through the woods, do you?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Curiously] How do you know that?  
  
Roger:  
[Matter-of-factly] Because I am a shrubber.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Nods] Ah! It makes perfect sense.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ...figures.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{The scene shifts to show the author typing at his laptop. Suddenly, the author pauses as he starts to sneeze.}  
  
Jason:  
[Sneezes] ...AAAACHOO!!!  
  
{The force of his mighty sneeze causes him to accidentally hit the fast- forward button on his laptop. However, since he currently had neither a CD nor a DVD in his laptop at the time of the sneeze....}  
  
Jason:  
[Stares in shock] GAH!!! Fast-forward, NO!!!  
  
{After much fiddling with the controls of his laptop, the author finally managed to slow down the story to a more normal pace. Fortunately, none of the characters in his story noticed his fumble- fingered, clumsy, bumbling-}  
  
Jason:  
[Irritably cutting her off] Bite me, dickweed. Just get on with the damn narration. [Goes back to typing while grumbling irritably]  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{After Roger the Shrubber finished designing, arranging, and planting the shrubbery for the Knights Who Say 'Ni' - and paying for it with his Camelot Visa(c), which he never leaves his castle without - King Arthur, Sir Bedevere and the Sailor Sen... I mean, and Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, and Sailor Pluto all stood before the Knights, waiting.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods approvingly] You're learning.  
  
{[Grumbles] ....}  
  
King Arthur:  
O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?  
  
Head Knight:  
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
That is good. I picked those out.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[To Sailor Moon] I never would've guessed that Setsuna-san had a talent for flower arranging, too.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nods] I like the laurels, too. [Smiles]  
  
Head Knight:  
[Interrupts] But, there is one small problem.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] What is that?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
Another random knight:  
Shh!  
  
Head Knight:  
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop- boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv'.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Boggles] ....  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Eyes wide] What kind of jacked-up, unintelligible, crap is that?!? Who the hell can say all that?!?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zu-owly-zhiv.  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars:  
[Staring at Pluto] .... [Boggling]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
.... [Grins smugly]  
  
Head Knight:  
Therefore, we must give you a test.  
  
King Arthur:  
What is this test, O Knights of.... Knights Who Till Recently Said 'Ni'?  
  
Head Knight:  
Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [Dramatic chord]  
  
{THERE YOU ARE!!! DIE!!!}  
  
Music conductor:  
[Not surprisingly, off screen] Crap! She found us!  
  
Band members:  
[Yeah, you know where] We must flee!  
  
Music conductor/Band members:  
[While fleeing in an off screen manner] RUN AWAY!!!  
  
{DIVINE JUSTICE!!! [Chases after them, for they are off screen]}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Looking flatly at the Head Knight] Now, look what you did.  
  
Head Knight:  
[Slightly flustered] Well, how was I supposed to know that would happen?  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
Head Knight:  
At any rate, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.  
  
Random knights:  
[Excitedly] A path! A path! Ni! Ni! Shhh!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Thoughtfully] Two-level effect, hmm? [Takes out a notepad and starts to take notes]  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Is this really the time, Setsuna-san?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shrugs] You never know when you'll get the opportunity to learn something interesting. Besides, I'm thinking of arranging some shrubberies for the Time Gate. After all, the place is so gloomy all the time. And maybe I'll even get a pet bunny, too.  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars:  
[Exchanging looks] ...the Time Gate Garden? Pet bunny?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Raises an eyebrow] Why not? [Eyes narrow] Is there something wrong with that?  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars:  
[Sweatdrops] Um... never mind.  
  
Head Knight:  
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [Dramatic chord as he displays a herring]  
  
{The music conductor and the band members quickly took off running again as soon as the chord ended, while quickly being pursued by the narrator, who fully intended to shove the band's instruments in places where musical instruments were never intended to go.}  
  
Random knights:  
[Excitedly] A herring!  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars/Pluto:  
[Facefaults] A what?!?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Slightly perturbed] We shall do no such thing!  
  
Head Knight:  
[Pleadingly] Oh, please!  
  
King Arthur:  
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.  
  
Head Knight/Random knights:  
[Painfully while covering their ears] Aaaugh! Aaaaugh!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Folding her arms in vexation] They're doing that 'Augh' thing again! What the hell is going on? We didn't even say 'ni' and they're the ones who say that damn word all the time!  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Angrily] Shut up!!!  
  
A random knight:  
[Cringes] ....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Must you frighten everyone we come across, Rei-chan?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Irritably] You can shut up, too.  
  
Head Knight:  
Don't say that word.  
  
King Arthur:  
What word?  
  
Head Knight:  
I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Why?  
  
Head Knight:  
The answer to that is written in the Great Book.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] The Bible?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Shakes head] No. The script.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
So, the reason why you can't hear the word is in there?  
  
Head Knight:  
Well... not really.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Facefault] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?  
  
Random knights:  
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaugh!  
  
Head Knight:  
[Also cringing painfully] You said the word again!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Confused] What, 'is'?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Shaking head] No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get very far in life not saying 'is'.  
  
Random knights:  
[Also shaking heads] No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.  
  
Sir Bevedere:  
[Pointing] My liege, it's Sir Robin!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Happily] Mercury! Saturn! Neptune!  
  
{From the direction that Sir Bedevere was pointing in, Sir Robin, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Saturn and Sailor Neptune arrived, accompanied my Sir Robin's minstrels. The three Sailor Senshi seemed to be almost as annoyed as Sir Robin, who was still having to deal with listening to the skipping troubadour mock him.}  
  
Minstrel:  
[Singing] He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.  
  
King Arthur:  
Sir Robin!  
  
Sir Robin:  
My liege! It's good to see you.  
  
Head Knight:  
[While he and the other knights cringe] Now he's said the word!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Angrily] Would you all shut up?!?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[While glancing at Mars] What's wrong, Rei-chan?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Grumbling irritabily] ....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Why does Rei-chan look like she's going to strangle somebody, Setsuna- mama?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
You're probably better off not knowing, Hotaru-chan.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignoring both the knights and the Senshi] Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?  
  
Minstrel:  
[Still singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up-  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Cutting him off] Shut up! [To King Arthur] No, no. Far from it.  
  
Head Knight:  
[While he and the other knights cringe painfully again] He said the word again!  
  
Random knights:  
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh!  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Blinking] I was looking for it-  
  
Random knights:  
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh!  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Getting confused] ...uh, here... here in this forest.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shaking his head] No, it is far from this place.  
  
Random knights:  
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Frowning in bewilderment] Why are they all shouting 'Augh' like that whenever someone says 'it'?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word-  
  
King Arthur:  
[Angrily cutting him off] Oh, stop it!  
  
Head Knight:  
...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Gesturing at his servant] Patsy!  
  
{As the knights continued to cringe painfully, King Arthur began to hop away past the Knights of Ni followed by Sir Bedevere, Sir Robin and his minstrels, and the six Sailor Senshi.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glaring at the narrator off screen] What did I tell you about that?  
  
{Oh, stuff it. There's six of you and three of them. I don't have time to go around listing them all each time you're all mentioned at once. [Sticks tongue out at Mars off screen]}  
  
Head Knight:  
[As the others started to leave] Wait! I said it! [Cringes] Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!  
  
Random knights:  
[Cringing painfully] Aaaaaugh!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[To Sailor Moon] It seems a lot has gone on in our absence. Why's Rei- chan arguing with the narrator?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Smiling] I don't care, just as long as it's not with me.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Sailor Pluto] Setsuna-mama, has the insanity started again?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs] I'm afraid that it has never stopped... and things are only going to get worse.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Shivers] I'm scared, Setsuna-mama....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nods] I know, Hotaru-chan. I'm scared, too....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{The author suddenly appears on screen holding a sign saying "It's...."}  
  
Jason:  
[Cheerily] It's....  
  
{He flips the sign.}  
  
Jason:  
[Cheerily again] ...time....  
  
{He flips the sign.}  
  
Jason:  
[Still quite cheerily] ...for....  
  
{He flips the sign.}  
  
Jason:  
[You won't believe how cheerily] ...a....  
  
{He flips the bird. He then realizes his error and flips the sign.}  
  
Jason:  
[Cheerily with a really cool echo effect] ...NARRATIVE INTERLUDE!!!  
  
{Some of the plaster on the ceiling of the room the author is standing in shakes loose and sprinkles lightly on his head.}  
  
Jason:  
[Grinning smugly] Pretty cool, huh?  
  
{Just then, a very large chunk of plaster breaks off of the ceiling and smacks the author on the head, causing him to collapse onto the floor with the huge plaster chunk covering the top half of his body.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Walking in] So, is it time for the.... [Notices the huge plaster chunk covering the author] ...oh, dear. That looks like it hurt. [Starts backing away] Well... um, I'll just go and start the narrative interlude then, all right? [Starts backing away faster] I'll... uh, get someone to help clean this up. Okay? Later! [Runs away]  
  
Jason:  
[Moaning painfully while shifting under the rubble] Owie....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{And so, King Arthur, Sir Bedevere and Sir Robin, and Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Saturn, Sailor Neptune and Sailor Pluto set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene Twenty-four.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Petulantly] And I still haven't found my spam....  
  
{Too bad.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Folds her arms] Hmph! Meanie.  
  
{Like I care. Anyway, beyond the forest, they met Sir Launcelot, Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Venus and Sir Galahad, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Knight and there was much rejoicing.}  
  
Knights:  
[Unenthusiastically] Yay.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] Oh, please. Don't strain yourselves on our account.  
  
{In the frozen land of Nador - which apparently seemed to be right next door to the forest, amazingly enough - they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Aghast] We were WHAT?!?  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Anyone got any Worcestershire sauce? [Notices that the Senshi aren't eating] Aren't you hungry?  
  
{All of the Sailor Senshi with the exceptions of Sailor Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and Knight all paled and quickly ran off to find the nearest bush.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Queasily] We'll pass.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Also queasily] Thanks anyway.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Shrugs] Suit yourselves.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[While looking quite pale] If they keep this up any longer, I may just join Usagi-chan and the others.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nodding while also looking quite pale] ....  
  
{And there was much rejoicing.}  
  
Knights:  
[With a little bit more enthusiasm] Yay!  
  
Sailor Moon/Mercury/Mars/Jupiter/Venus/Saturn:  
[While bending over a bush] Buuuuuuuuuuuegh!  
  
{A year passed... at least, for the knights it did. The author quickly grew tired of the Sailor Senshi's incessant whining and cryogenically froze them, just to shut them up.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
HEY!!!  
  
{Quiet, all of you. You're frozen.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!!!  
  
{I said, you can't speak. Frozen time. Go sit in the corner like good little Senshi popsicles and shut up.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!  
  
{Says who? And why are you all speaking in all caps, anyway?}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
WHY DO YOU THINK?!!! WE'VE BEEN FROZEN!!! FROZEN PEOPLE HAVE TO SPEAK IN ALL CAPS AND END EACH SENTENCE WITH THREE EXCLAIMATION POINTS!!! IT'S IN THE RULES!!!  
  
{Oh. Well, it's still annoying. Anyway, Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter, ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn, during which the author decided to finally show some mercy and thaw out the Senshi.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[While dripping wet and glaring] ...about damn time.  
  
{Have a nice sleep?}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
not really. we still didn't ask for it.  
  
{[Blinks] Let me guess: All caps while frozen and no caps when just thawed?}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
bingo. give the girl a cookie.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Get on with it! -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Nods] no arguement here.  
  
{All right, then. Fast forward until one day....}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{King Arthur, his knights and the Sailor Senshi continued their way down a treacherous mountain path, along with a bunch of other knights that haven't been named as of yet. But seeing as they are merely extras, and the reader probably doesn't give a crap at this point in time, they shall remain nameless.}  
  
Nameless knights:  
[While looking insulted] Hey!  
  
{Anyway, the huge throng of Knights and Senshi traversed their way down the mountainous path where they finally came across a reasonably level part of the terrain, said to be where the enchanter they sought dwelled practicing his magical art.}  
  
Knight:  
[Points] Over there, my liege!  
  
{King Arthur turned to look in the direction the knight pointed. In the distance, a large plume of smoke accompanied by a loud, thunderous explosion caught the king's attention.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Gesturing toward the smoke] Knights! Forward! [Glances at the Senshi] Oh, and you all as well. [Hops away]  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grumbling] I swear, one year away from us and it's back to square one with him.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
I could've been worse.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Raising an eyebrow] Oh, yeah? How so?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Flat look] You could've spent the year WITH him.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Sweatdrops and grimaces] Well... when you put it like that....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Putting a hand to her head] Maybe we should just follow them?  
  
{The group made their way toward the source of the smoke and explosions until they came across a gnarled old man wearing gray robes and a cap with what appeared to be ram's horns protruding out of it standing atop of a medium-sized hill. He held a long wooden staff on his right hand, out of which, huge fireballs flew out of and struck the ground away from the approaching travelers.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[To Sailor Mars] Hey Rei-chan, it looks almost like your Fire Soul, doesn't it?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Tossing her head haughtily] Hah! That's nothing. My Fire Soul is much more powerful and it looks better, too.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
But still, it does look kinda like your Fire Soul. [Frowns slighty in confusion] Isn't that some kinda copyright infringement or something?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Flatly] I'm surprise you even know what-  
  
{Before Sailor Mars could finish her reply, the fireball-wielder suddenly disappeared from the hill with a short blast and puff of smoke and quickly reappeared in a similar short blast and puff of smoke.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Boredly] Ooh. He teleports, too. Like we haven't seen that at least a hundred million times.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Rolls her eyes] Yeah, every Youma, Cardian, Daimon, Lemure....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Cutting her off] We get the point.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignoring the Senshi again] What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Would you happen to be an enchanter? We've been told that there was one such person in this area.  
  
Old man:  
I... am an enchanter.  
  
King Arthur:  
By what name are you known?  
  
Old man:  
There are some who call me... 'Tim'.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
So, what do the others call you?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Aside to Knight] Probably 'That Horny Guy'.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Snickering] Or maybe 'The Man with the Big Stick'.  
  
Sailor Uranus/Knight:  
[Laughing] ....  
  
King Arthur/Knights:  
[Blinking] ....  
  
Sailor Senshi except for Sailor Knight/Uranus:  
[Sweatdrops and blinks] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.  
  
Tim:  
Greetings, King Arthur!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] You know my name?  
  
Tim:  
[Knowingly] I do.  
  
{Tim proceeds to point his wooden stick at a dead, leafless bush and set it on fire with a stream of flame that erupts from the tip of the stick.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Blinking along with everyone else] Well... that was certainly... um, pointless.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Also blinking] I fail to understand the reason behind setting that bush on fire. Was that supposed to be an intimidation tactic?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To Sailor Uranus] You scared?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Shaking her head] Nope. You?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shaking his head] Not one bit.  
  
Tim:  
[Scowling] Oh, shut up! The lot of you! What do you know about intimidation anyway? You're a bunch of little girls wearing ridiculously short dresses that don't even cover up your legs! [Pretends to tremble] Ooh, look! I'm trembling with fear! Don't let those little girls kill me!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Coldly] Did you just call me a little girl? [Moves hand toward his sword]  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Flinches] Uh-oh.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Pales] Ryo-chan, I'm sure he didn't mean it. Please don't kill him.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Placatingly] Ryo-kun, try to remember that we need him to get to the Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Calmly] If you kill Tim now, then this whole chapter - no, this whole fanfic, will end up being completely messed up. Not only that, but knowing the author, he'd have to really get creative and take some incredible liberties to bring the story back to where it's supposed to go. [Pointed look] And you know what happens when Jason-san starts to really get creative.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blanches] .... [Moves hand away from his sword] I'll... let him live... for now.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[To Tim] So, you're an enchanter? What does an enchanter do anyway?  
  
Tim:  
[Conspiritorily] Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm not really an enchanter anymore. After all, enchanters can't do those really cool things like cast fireballs or teleport.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Surprised] You're not an enchanter?  
  
Tim:  
Oh, I'm still a licensed enchanter.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinking] They have licenses for that?  
  
Tim:  
[Nods] Oh, yes. They have licenses for everything these days.  
  
Sailor Senshi/Knights:  
....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
I'm almost afraid to ask, but what are you now?  
  
{Beside Tim, a table suddenly appears in a puff of smoke. A deck of cards with the words "Magic: The Gathering" printed on the backs of them.}  
  
Tim:  
I am a Prodigal Sorceror.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Frowns] Wait a minute. Prodigal Sorcerors use Blue mana. You're not supposed to be able to cast Fireballs, since they use Red mana.  
  
Knights:  
....  
  
Sailor Senshi except for Mercury:  
....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Fidgeting] Well... the game seemed interesting....  
  
Sailor Senshi except for Mercury:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Tim:  
What? Haven't you ever heard of a mixed deck?  
  
King Arthur:  
Excuse me. I'm sure that this would be an interesting conversation at some other time, but can we get back to the point?  
  
Tim:  
[Blinks] Oh, right. Sorry. [Clears throat] You seek the Holy Grail!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Amazed] That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.  
  
Tim:  
[Nods] Quite.  
  
{Tim extends his hand toward the mountain behind the group, apparently concentrating on something.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Blinking] What are you doing?  
  
Tim:  
I'm tapping the mountain for mana.  
  
Sailor Senshi/Knights:  
[Mass sweatdrop] ....  
  
{After concentrating for a few seconds, Tim returned to the table and flipped over a card that reads "Fireball" on the top. Once he flipped the card a fireball appeared in his hand, which he quickly flung over everyone's heads. The fireball impacted with the tip of the mountain, making a huge burning explosion.}  
  
Knights:  
[Appluading] ....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Unimpressed] Big deal. I could beat that in my sleep.  
  
Tim:  
[Scowling] Shut your yap, girl.  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Interrupting] Oh!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Nods] Yes, we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.  
  
Knights:  
[Noding] Yeah. Yes, it is. Yup. Um-hm.  
  
{Tim quietly folds his arm and stares at the Knights while the Sailor Senshi wait for King Arthur to convince Tim to tell them where to find the Holy Grail.}  
  
King Arthur:  
And so, we're... we're... we're looking for it.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Nods] Yes, we are.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Nods] Yeah.  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Nodding] We are. We are.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
We have been for some time.  
  
Sir Robin:  
Ages.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Muttering] It certainly felt like ages.  
  
King Arthur:  
[After glaring at Sailor Uranus] Uh, so... uh, anything that you could do to, uh... to help... would be... very... helpful.  
  
Tim:  
[Still staring] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
I don't think he's interested. [Folds his arms angrily] Look, are you sure he's the one we're supposed to be looking for?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Nods] Quite sure.  
  
{Sir Galahad steps forward desperately to plead for Tim's aid.}  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Urgently] Look, can you tell us where-  
  
{A second fireball slams into the ground in front of Sir Galahad, halting him and cutting him off mid-sentence. It also serves to make the Knights even more nervous. However, it has the opposite effect on the Sailor Senshi, making them more irritated.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
The nerve of that guy! How dare he use the power of fire like that! He's giving my powers a bad name!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Slightly upset] That really was uncalled for. He wasn't going to attack you.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Wait a minute. You already used up that Red mana point from the mountain on that one Fireball spell you cast. How did you cast that second Fireball? I never saw you draw a card.  
  
Tim:  
[Smugly] I had one point of Red mana in my mana pool and I had an extra Fireball spell in my hand. [Reveals a hand of cards in his left hand] See?  
  
Sailor Senshi except for Mercury:  
[Staring at her] You had to ask.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Sweatdrops] ...sorry.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Still slightly spooked by the fireball] Right. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but... uh, I don't suppose you could... uh, tell us where we might find a, um... find a, uh... a, um... a, uh....  
  
Tim:  
[Deliberately] A what?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Stuttering] A g- a-a g- a g- a-a g--  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Frustrated] SPIT IT OUT!!!  
  
Tim:  
A grail?!?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Nodding] Yes. I think so.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Exasperated] Oh. You think so. Well, that's just so very convincing. You sound like you're about to piss on yourself. Kami-sama, just ask the man for his help and be done with it!!!  
  
Knights:  
[Nodding] Yes, that's right. Yup. Uh-huh.  
  
Tim:  
Yes!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighs in relief] Oh. Thank you.  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Blinks and sighs in relief] Oh. Splendid  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Also blinks and sighs in relief] Oh. Fine.  
  
{Tim raises his left hand and places four more cards on the table, then casts four more fireballs in rapid succession, startling everyone present.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Scowling] Don't do that again.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Nervously] Look, um, you're a busy man, uh....  
  
Tim:  
[Turning back to King Arthur] Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.  
  
Knights:  
[Relieved] Oh, thank you.  
  
Tim:  
To the north there lies a cave - The Cave of Caerbannog - wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Eagerly] All right! Now we're getting somewhere.  
  
King Arthur:  
Where can we find this cave, O Tim?  
  
Tim:  
Follow.  
  
{Tim turns to leave. The Knights and the Sailor Senshi promptly follow.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[To the other Senshi] Our search - and this story - is almost complete. Soon, we will have the Holy Grail once again.  
  
Tim:  
[Stopping and whirling back to face the others] But! Follow only if ye be men... [Glances at the Sailor Senshi] ...and women of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man... or woman, yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights and foriegn travelers, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.  
  
{To accentuate his point, Tim curled his two index fingers into hooks and put them in front of his open mouth, pretending that his fingers are long, pointy fangs. He then squinted so as to try to look more menacing. However, he failed to make the impression that he was looking for. Instead, he only managed to look rather silly.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Aside to the other knights] What an eccentric performance.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[BIG sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] Oh, great. Another looney.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Looks bored] Can we go now?  
  
Tim:  
[Affronted] I am not a looney. [Drops his hands] Follow. [Grabs his staff and turns away]  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Points] What about the table?  
  
Tim:  
[Without turning back] Leave it. Now, follow.  
  
{The Knights and Sailor Senshi follow except for Sailor Mercury, who was currently looking through Tim's Magic deck, and Sailor Knight, who was staying behind with Mercury.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Urging] Come on, Ami-chan. Everyone else is leaving. Leave the cards and let's go.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Reluctantly] But I just want to take a look at his deck, that's all.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Grabs Mercury by the arm] Then, take it with you and look at it along the way. [Tries to drag her with him]  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Resisting] Ryo-chan! I can't take his deck! That's stealing!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs, then picks her up] It's not stealing if you give it back to him. It's borrowing. Just without his permission. Now, like it or not, we're going.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[While being carried] Ryo-chan! Put me down! I can walk just fine.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Smirks] Nope. We're too far behind. We've got to catch up and this is the fastest way.  
  
{Sailor Knight starts to run, forcing Sailor Mercury to hold on tightly.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Protesting] Ryo-chan!!! Put me down!!!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 12: Sharp, Pointy Teeth  
  
Questions? Comments? Do you think you can cut down a tree with a herring? E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	13. Chapter 12: Sharp, Pointy Teeth

A Grail?!? A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy. By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine. If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter 12: Sharp, Pointy Teeth  
  
{Some time later, Tim the Enchanter led the group of knights and Senshi north across rocky terrain, toward the cave of Caerbannog where they would find the location of the Holy Grail. Behind the group of Knights, the coconut-banging servants began to fidget and... whinny?}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Thoroughly puzzled] Setsuna-mama, why are those men making horse sounds?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Matter-of-factly] It's because they have lost their minds, Hotaru- chan. They have been banging coconuts together for way too long. Now they actually think they're horses.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Pityingly] Those poor people....  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Glancing back at the servants] They're nervous, sire.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Glancing back as well] Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. [Commanding voice] Dis-mount!  
  
{All of the knights stop hopping and swing their right legs around over their imaginary horses. All of the Sailor Senshi merely shake their heads at the sheer stupidity of what they were seeing.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Grimly] I think they've all lost their minds, Hotaru-chan.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Fearfully] Does that mean we're going to lose our minds, too? I don't wanna lose my mind!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Firmly] We won't lose our minds, Hotaru-chan. We've been through worse, remember? No matter what Jason-san thinks he can throw at us, we've been through worse.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Is that a challenge? -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Putting a hand to her head in vexation] You're not helping, Haruka.  
  
{After the knights... dismount, Tim led the group down the slope toward a small gathering of rocks and other cover, where they could cautiously approach the cave. All of the knights drew their swords, including Sailor Knight, and followed the enchanter turned Prodigal Sorcerer.}  
  
Tim:  
[Whispering as he gestured toward the cave] Behold the cave of Caerbannog!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Nodding as he gazes down toward the cave] Right. [To Galahad] Keep me covered.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Staring back at him] What with?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Glaring at him in exasperation] Just keep me covered.  
  
Tim:  
Too late! [Dramatic chord]  
  
{Everyone turned toward the cave and started looking for any sign of a hideous creature.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Watching the cave entrance] What?  
  
Tim:  
There he is!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Still looking] Where?  
  
Tim:  
[Pointing] There!  
  
King Arthur:  
What, behind the rabbit?  
  
Tim:  
It IS the rabbit.  
  
{There was a moment of silence as the rest of the group collectively blinked all at once as that statement registered in the minds of all present.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Dryly while sighing] You know, for some reason, I knew I should've expected something like this....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Rising up and staring irritably down at Tim] You silly sod!  
  
Tim:  
[Blinking] What?  
  
King Arthur:  
You got us all worked up!  
  
Tim:  
[Pointing emphatically] Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Rolling his eyes] Ohh....  
  
Tim:  
[Warningly] That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinking] Rodent? You mean, like a mouse? [Turns to Venus]  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shaking her head] Don't look at me. I only know British.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
English.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] What she said. I don't know Scottish.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
The Scottish people speak English, too.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Tersely] Okay, so I'm not a language person!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Linguist.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Clenching her fists] Aaaaugh!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[To Jupiter] Was it something I said?  
  
Sir Robin:  
[To Tim] You tit! I soiled my armor, I was so scared!  
  
{All of the Senshi start to back away from Robin.}  
  
Tim:  
Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Skeptically] A killer rabbit?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[In disbelief] That cute little bunny rabbit, a killer? I can't believe that. It looks so harmless.  
  
Tim:  
[To Sailor Moon] Looks can be deceiving, girl. There's nothing cute about that monster.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Get stuffed!  
  
Tim:  
[Pointing at Galahad] He'll do you up a treat, mate.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Raising an eyebrow] Oh, yeah?  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Angrily] You mangy Scots git!  
  
Tim:  
I'm warning you!  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Derisively] What's he do, nibble your bum?  
  
Tim:  
He's got huge.... [Starts miming fangs with his hand] ...eh, he can leap about.... [Stretches his hands apart about two feet or so] Look at the bones!!! [Flings a hand toward all the bones strewn in front of the cave entrance]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Quietly] Maybe we shouldn't take his warning so lightly.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Blinking in surprise] You actually believe him, Setsuna?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sagely] Even if it is just an inane fantasy, there is still no reason to relax our guard.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Deridingly] What, for a white, fluffy bunny?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Gestures] There ARE bones out there. [To Mercury] Ami-chan?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Staring out at the bones] Well... some of the bones look human, and some equine....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinking] Equ-what?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Horse.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Oh.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
So, you think there is something there that did all that?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Nodding confirmation] Whether it is, in fact, the rabbit remains to be seen.  
  
King Arthur:  
I still think it's preposterous. [To one of the nameless Knights] Go on, Bors. Chop his head off.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Pleadingly] Please! Is that really necessary? It's just a defenseless little bunny!  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Putting on his helmet] Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!  
  
{Bors strode past the Knights and Senshi as he stepped over the rocks and advanced, his sword out and ready.}  
  
Tim:  
Look! [Pointing]  
  
Killer Rabbit:  
Squeak! [Pounces]  
  
{The rabbit leaped at Bors' neck and savagely bit into it before the knight could react.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Astonished] Kami-sama! [Dramatic chord]  
  
{Uranus turned Saturn around so she wouldn't have to watch the carnage. Bors' body collapses as the rabbit bites completely through his neck, severing it from his body.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shocked] Christ!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grimly] I think we can safely say that that thing's the killer.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Wimpering] How awful....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Gaping] But... but, that bunny was... so cute....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Cute... and deadly.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Almost like us, except the rabbit is evil.  
  
All:  
[Sweatdrops while staring at Venus] ....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinks] What?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] I don't think this was an appropriate time to make a statement like that, Minako-chan.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sheepishly] Oh. Sorry.  
  
Tim:  
[Condescendingly] I warned you!  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Gaping] I done it again!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Grimacing] I don't even want to ask what he did again.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Tim:  
[Still condesendingly] I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-  
  
King Arthur:  
[Getting aggravated] Oh, shut up! [Stands up] Right.  
  
Tim:  
[Rolling his eyes] Do they listen to me? [Shakes his head] Oh, no....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Dryly] Oh, here they go. It'll be the French castle all over again.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignoring Uranus as he thrusts his sword forward] Charge!  
  
Knights:  
[Surging forward] Charge!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Shaking her head] No way. We're staying right here.  
  
{The knights all rushed the rabbit with their swords out and shields raised. The killer rabbit wasted no time and pounced on knight after knight, biting into a few unprotected necks and shoulders while the others flailed about with their swords, trying to kill the fiend. However, the bunny was too fast for any of the knights to hit it with their longswords.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shaking his head in disgust] Pathetic.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Curiously] What are you talking about, Ryo-kun?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shakes his head] The way they handle those swords. They're slow and clumsy. And they call themselves knights? [Snorts and folds his arms] That rabbit isn't even as strong or as fast as some of the youma we've faced.  
  
King Arthur:  
Run away! Run away!  
  
Knights:  
[As they start running] Run away! Run away!  
  
{As the knights fled the field of battle, Tim turned and left, laughing the entire way.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Running up to him] Wait, Tim-san.  
  
Tim:  
[Stops] What?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Hands over his Magic deck] Here's your deck back. I just wanted to take a look at it, so I borrowed it for a moment.  
  
Tim:  
[Nods as he slips his deck in his robes] So, you play, too, I take it.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Starts to become embarrassed] W-well, not really. [Grows more embarrassed as he continues to stare at her] .... [Hangs her head] ...blue and white.  
  
Tim:  
[Smirks] I thought so. [Nods to himself and leaves]  
  
King Arthur:  
[After the knights regrouped] Right. How many did we lose?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Wryly] Only the extras.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Curtly] Who asked you?  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Gawain.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Ector.  
  
King Arthur:  
And Bors. That's five.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Three, sir.  
  
King Arthur:  
Three.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Surprised] He's worse in math than I am!  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Sailor Moon] Shut up! [To the knights] Three.... Then, we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Solemnly] Never underestimate the power of the bunny.  
  
All:  
[Staring at Sailor Moon] ....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinking] What? [Defensively] Don't look at me like that. It's true, isn't it?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
  
[Sighs in vexation] Usagi....  
  
Sir Robin:  
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighs and turns to Sailor Knight] If you would, please?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods] Right. [Smacks Robin upside the head]  
  
King Arthur:  
Shut up and go and change your armor.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.  
  
King Arthur:  
Like what?  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Thinks] Well...  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Like becoming more vicious and deadly.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Deflates] Oh.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Have we got bows?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Points to her hairbow] I have one.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
He meant the kind that fires arrows, Minako-chan.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Turns red in embarrassment] Oh. My mistake. Sorry.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shakes his head] No. No bows.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
All we have is this sword. [Holds up his sword]  
  
King Arthur:  
[Turns toward the Senshi] You've all been hinting about some sort of powers that you all possess. What about those?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Our powers are for fighting demons, not rabbits.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Gestures toward the rabbit] That rabbit IS a demon.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Shakes her head] It may be as mean and vicious as a demon, but it's not a demon.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Points in realization] Wait! We have the Holy Hand Grenade.  
  
Senshi:  
The Holy... what?!?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Brightens] Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! [Looks up toward the group of servants resting back where they had left them] Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!  
  
{By the group of servants that was left behind eariler, a palanquin that was being tended by three monks seemed to have appeared as if it had always been part of the procession. The eldest monk turned around and nodded, then turned back and signaled to the younger monk beside him. The monk reached into the palanquin and lifted out a small chest, then handed it to Brother Maynard, who accepted it with a ceremonial bow. The younger monk then took the book from the third, hooded monk and started to follow Brother Maynard as he headed down toward the knights. The third monk began swinging a pot of burning incense in wide arcs as he followed behind the other two monks. As the trio descended, the other monks that had traveled with them began to chant.}  
  
Monks:  
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem.  
  
{When Brother Maynard reached the knights, he handed the chest over to Bedevere, who held it forward for King Arthur to open. He opened the chest and took out the Holy Hand Grenade from its cushioned resting place.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[While examining the grenade] How does it, um... how does it work?  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
I know not, my liege.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Exasperated] It's a grenade. You pull the pin and throw it. Plain and simple. It's not rocket science.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Raises an eyebrow] What's a rocket?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
It's.... [Sighs and shakes his head] Forget it. Forget I said anything.  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Maynard] Consult the Book of Armaments!  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Solemnly] Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.  
  
{Without looking behind him, Maynard signaled the monk standing behind him, who promptly opened the book to the indicated section and began to read aloud as the knights bowed their heads reverently.}  
  
Second Monk:  
[Reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu-  
  
Senshi:  
[Staring vacantly] ....  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Interrupting] Skip a bit, Brother.  
  
Second Monk:  
[Continuing] And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Solemnly] Amen.  
  
Knights:  
[Solemnly] Amen.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Aside to the Senshi] I still think their religion is cracked.  
  
Senshi:  
[Nods] Amen.  
  
King Arthur:  
Right. [Pulls out the cross-shaped pin] One! Two! Five! [Starts to throw]  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Quickly] Three, sir!  
  
Senshi:  
[Urgently] Just throw the damn grenade!!!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Pauses] Three! [Throws the grenade]  
  
{As the Holy Hand Grenade flew toward the evil killer rabbit, the sound of angels singing echoed in the air. The grenade bounced once and exploded, killing the fluffy menace.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{The sound of the explosion resounded through the forest of the Knights Who Used to Say 'Ni', where a police inspector and a pair of police officers where searching through the remains of the shrubbery that the knights and Senshi had set up earlier. One officer had an evidence bag open, while the other was taking notes. The pad already had the witness statement given by the late historian's widow on it. Once the boom of the explosion faded, the police inspector gestured for the police officers to follow him as he headed in the direction of the source of the blast.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Dryly] Didn't that seem like overkill to you?  
  
Senshi:  
.... [Shrugs]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sadly] Poor bunny....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Mars] Did we ever check to see if the bunny was possessed by a youma or something?  
  
Senshi:  
[Blinking] ....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Smacks herself in the head] Why didn't I think of that earlier? I could've used an ofuda and we wouldn't have had to go through all that mess.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Dryly] Way to go, Rei-chan.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Crossly] Oh, shut up, Usagi. If you're so smart, then way didn't you try to heal the rabbit? [Smirking] After all, that could've been an ancestor of yours.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Angrily] Enough with the jokes on my name, damn it! No more 'rabbit' jokes!!!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
I think she's almost ready to snap.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nodding] One bunny joke too many, I guess.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Upset] Can we just go now?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Pointing] I think they already left without us.  
  
{All the Senshi turn to see that the knights had already lit torches and were descending into the cave.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[While walking past the Inner Senshi] If you're all done, I think we should go follow them now.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Also walking past] No arguement here. [To the others] Well? Let's get going.  
  
{The group of knights and Senshi, along with Brother Maynard, slowly descended into to cave, searching for any signs that would lead them to the location of the Holy Grail. They carefully stepped past loose rocks and bone fragments as their torches lit up the dark cavern.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Stopping suddenly and pointing] There! Look!  
  
{The group halted as Sailor Knight stepped forward and held his torch toward the cavern wall that King Arthur pointed to. Upon the rock, several carved lines and symbols were plainly visible.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grinning] Here it is. Finally, we're getting somewhere.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
What does it say?  
  
Sir Galahad:  
What language is that?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Ami-chan, Michiru-san, Ryo-kun, do any of you know?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shaking his head] It's definitely not Hiragana, Katakana, or Kanji. It's not Chinese, either. Traditional or Simplified.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Also shaking her head] It's not any of the Latin-based alphabets, nor is it any of the other European alphabets, such as Danish, Swedish, Finnish, etc. It certainly isn't Russian.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Shaking her head as well] It's not any of the Arabic written languages, either. I don't recognize it, either.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Rolling his eyes] Oh, you're no help. [Glancing back] Brother Maynard. You are a scholar.  
  
Brother Mayard:  
[Stepping forward to study the symbols] It's Aramaic!  
  
Sailor Mercury/Neptune/Knight:  
[Blinking] What?!? What's Aramaic?  
  
Sailor Senshi except Mercury/Neptune/Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] Figures....  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Nodding in realization] Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Of course!  
  
Sailor Mercury/Neptune/Knight:  
[Flatly] Yeah. Of course....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Well, since these aren't the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged, then we'd better move on. [Turning to leave] I don't think we've checked down that way....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Not paying any attention to her] What does it say?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Turning back to the carving while muttering] Stupid idiot. Why do I even bother?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Reading aloud] It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of... aaarrrrggh'.  
  
All:  
....  
  
King Arthur:  
What?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Reading again] '...The Castle of... aaarrrrggh'.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
What is that?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
He must have died while carving it.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Skeptically] Oh, come on!  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Defensively] Well, that's what it says.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Well, how about finding those last words of Olfin Bedwere, then?  
  
King Arthur:  
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aarrggh'. He'd just say it!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To Uranus] I don't think he cares at this point, Haruka-san.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Snorts] Fine. I'm going to go find those last words myself. Anyone coming? [Turns and leaves]  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Also turns to leave, but smiles back at the other Senshi] Well, someone's got to keep Haruka out of trouble. [Leaves]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] Haruka-san does have a point. I'm going, too. [Shrugs] Besides, Michiru-san's also right. Someone's got to keep Haruka-san out of trouble. [Turns to leave but is joined by Mercury, Jupiter, and Saturn] You too? [Dryly] Let me guess: you're coming to keep me out of trouble, right?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Playfully] Why Ryo-chan, whatever makes you think that?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Smiling] We only wanted to keep you company.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Nodding] That and we want to make sure that both you and Haruka-papa don't do anything you shouldn't be doing.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitching slightly] You didn't have to put it in those words, Hotaru- chan....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Blinking in confusion] What do you mean, Ami-chan?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[In a low voice] I don't think you really need to know about it, Hotaru-chan. Just forget about it.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Still blinking] Okay.... Whatever you say, Ryo-oniichan....  
  
{The four Senshi depart after Uranus and Neptune, leaving Sailor Moon, Mars, Venus, and Pluto with the knights and Maynard.}  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Points] Well, that's what's carved in the rock.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Perhaps he was dictating?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Impatiently] Oh, shut up. [To Maynard] Well, does it say anything else?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Shaking his head] No. [Staring back at the rock] Just 'aaarrrrggh'.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Thoughtfully] Aaaauugggh.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Also thoughtfully] Aaaauugggh.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Where's that?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Thinks] France, I think.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?  
  
King Arthur:  
No, that's 'Saint Ives'.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives.  
  
Knights:  
Iiiiives.  
  
{The four remaining Sailor Senshi each exchanged tired looks and sighed.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Well, we might as well. [To the knights] Maybe he meant Praaaaaaauge?  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Prauge? Where's that?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
It's a city in Cze.... Oh, wait. That country doesn't exist yet. [Thinks] I don't think the city even exists yet. Never mind.  
  
King Arthur:  
[To the remaining Inner Senshi] What about you three?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shrugs] Sorry. I'm not that good at any country other than Japan.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shaking her head] Uh-uh! I'm terrible at geography!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nods] Yeah, she still gets her prefectures mixed up.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Glares] I'm not THAT bad! [Sticks out her tongue]  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glowers] You're close enough! [Also sticks out her tongue]  
  
All except Moon/Mars:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Tiredly] Must we do this now?  
  
{As the two Senshi began their tongue war once again, Bedevere turned around and froze.}  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Pointing fearfully] Oooohoohohooo!  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Glancing back at Bedevere] No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Lifting his visor] No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', as in surprise and alarm.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinking] Surprise and alarm?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Where? [Turns back and starts looking] Behind us?  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!  
  
{Brother Maynard jumped at Launcelot's yelling demonstration.}  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Yes, but I- [Points again] Aaaaaah!  
  
{At this point, everyone else sees what Bedevere had seen.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Fearfully] Ooooh!  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Frightened] My God! [Dramatic chord]  
  
{Behind them, a 23-eyed, three-story, horned, scaly creature with a mouth as wide as its body and sharp, razor teeth as large as a tall man, stood roaring at them.}  
  
Inner Senshi:  
[Screaming] Kyaaaa!!!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Edging back cautiously] Is THAT a youma?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Astonished] It's the legendary Black Beast of... Aaarrrrggh!  
  
{The Senshi scream as the beast snaps up and eats Maynard.}  
  
King Arthur:  
Run away! Run away! [Runs away]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
That's the wisest thing I've heard from you, yet. [To the other Senshi] Let's go!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Shocked] Setsuna-san!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
It's too big to take on without the others! We must retreat for now! Let's go!!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
You don't have to tell me twice! [Runs away]  
  
Knights:  
Run away!  
  
{The beast began to give chase as the knights and Senshi fled.}  
  
Knights:  
Run away! Run away! Keep running!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Yelling] Shut up! That youma will keep chasing us if it hears you!  
  
{The group quickly hid behind a huge stalactite and waited silently until the beast thundered past them. Once the pounding of the giant beast subsided, they emerged and quietly crept away.}  
  
Knights:  
[Quietly] Shh! Shh! Shh!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Softly, but firmly] Hush! All of you!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Whispering] We've lost him.  
  
Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh:  
[Roaring] Aaarrrrggh!  
  
Knights/Senshi:  
[Fearfully] Aaaaaah! [Runs away again]  
  
{As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur, his knights, and the four Sailor Senshi seemed hopeless, when suddenly....}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
World shaking!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Deep submerge!  
  
{The two attacks crashed into the beast, forcing it to slow down.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Mercury aqua rhapsody!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Jupiter oak evolution!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Knight sonic wave pulse!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Space sword blaster!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Submarine reflection!  
  
{The combined five attacks knocked the Black Beast to the side against the cavern wall, stunning it.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Relieved] Everyone!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Stares in astonishment] So, that's their powers. I can see why they only use them on monsters.  
  
Knights:  
[Nodding while staring slackjawed] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[As they join the others] Well, we couldn't find any other carvings down here.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grumbles] That damn enchanter gave us the wrong name.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs] Maybe he meant to say Joseph of Arimathea, but said the other guy's name instead. Maybe they both say the same thing about the Holy Grail.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
What? About the Castle of Aaaaaarrrggh?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs again] Maybe.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
At any rate, we should get going in case that creature wakes up again. I don't think it'll be out for-  
  
Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh:  
[Roaring] Aaarrrrggh!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Never mind.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Points dramatically at the beast] You evil beast! How dare you eat a man of the cloth! Even if their religion is completely insane with holy men hitting themselves in the head with wooden blocks and lobbing around sacred explosives, they should be able to practice their religion without the fear of being eaten by a scary youma! [Starts posing] I'm the Sailor Soldier fighting for love and justice, Sailor Moon! On behalf of the Moon, I'll punish you!  
  
Knights:  
[Sweatdrop] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Raising an eyebrow] Now that's an eccentric performance.  
  
Knights:  
[Nodding] No arguement here.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Brings out her attack rod again] Oh, shut up! [Powers up] Moon gorgeous meditation!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Also powers up] Mercury aqua rhapsody!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Powers up as well] Mars flame sniper!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Yes, she powers up, too] Jupiter oak evolution!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[And another one powers up] Venus love and beauty shock!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Again with the powering up thing] Knight sonic wave pulse!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Up with power] Silence glaive surprise!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Pow-pow-power up] Space sword blaster!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Poooooooooower uuuuuuuuuuuup] Submarine reflection!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Power up, power up, power up up up] Dead scream.  
  
{All ten attacks hit the Black Beast of Aaaaaaaaaaarrrgh at once, lifting the huge beast into the air and slamming it into the far side of the cave. The beast landed with a heavy thud, then went limp.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Excitedly] We did it!  
  
Knights:  
[Applauding] Yay!  
  
{As the group turned to leave, the sound of something very heavy and very ugly getting up halted them in their tracks.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Eyes wide] No way!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shocked] We hit it with our strongest attacks! It should be dead!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Stepping back] Let's try it again!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shaking her head] It would only have the same effect.  
  
{As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur, his knights, and the Sailor Senshi seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.}  
  
Animator:  
[Somewhere off screen] Ulk! [Collapses]  
  
{Of course, since this was a written work of fiction, this was only yet another senseless death.}  
  
All:  
[Glaring at the narrator] Now you tell us!  
  
{The Black Beast continued to close in, its sharp, glistening fangs dripping with saliva and its-}  
  
All:  
[Still glaring] You're not helping!!!  
  
{[Glaring at the others] Shut up or I'll just let the beast eat you! [Grumbles] ...anyway. As death seemed inevitable for our heroes, a computer virus infected the author's laptop, deleting the slavering beast.}  
  
Jason:  
[Grumbling] Damn computer virus....  
  
{The digital peril was no more. The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.}  
  
Jason:  
Like hell! I've gotta run a virus scan on my laptop now! You know how long that's gonna take?  
  
{But still, the quest for the Holy Grail could continue.}  
  
Jason:  
[Frowning] Didn't you hear what I said?  
  
{So what? I said, the quest for the-}  
  
Jason:  
[Waving dismissively] Yeah, yeah, yeah.... I know. It'll continue. [Grumbles]  
  
{As the scene switched back to the knights and Senshi, the group had quickly rushed out of the cave and took off running.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[While running] Why are we running?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Also while running] We don't want to be around when the author gets around to reviving that damned beast, do you?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nodding while running] Good point.  
  
Knights:  
[While running some more] Run away!  
  
Senshi:  
[They do run, run, run, they do run, run] Dash!!!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{Later, at the cave entrance, the police inspector and the two police officers arrived on the scene of the chaos that had transpired earlier. The police inspector stepped gingerly over a discared shield as he examined one of the bodies of the three dead knights. He picked up a piece of the killer rabbit and held it out to one of the officers to place in his evidence bag. The police inspector and the officers then turned and headed off in the same direction that the knights and Sailor Senshi fled, conveniently following the arrow sign blatently displaying the words: 'They went thata way'.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Chapter 13: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggh!!!  
  
Questions? Comments? Want to offer your condolences to the family of the killer rabbit? E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	14. Chapter 13: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggh!

A Grail?!? A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy. By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine. If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter 13: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggh!!!  
  
{After much running from the Cave of Caerbannog, the Knights and Senshi finally set forth to search for the Castle of Aaaaarrrgh. With no clue as to its location, however, the motley group decided to start their search by following the advice given to them by the Very Ugly Old Man in Chapter 8... er, I mean, Scene Twenty-four... or whatever. At any rate, the group made their way toward the Bridge of Death, which was located in a high, mountainous area surrounded by jagged rock and decaying plantlife. A bottomless gorge separated the side that they were on from their destination as the party trudged up the mountain path leading to the Bridge of Death. From within the gorge below, plumes of grayish-white smoke rose up, mingling with the gurgling, noxious vapors wafting up from whatever quagmire lay at the bottom of the pit.}  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Weakly] Um, I'm not sure I like the sound of that....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
I see that the narrator has been exercising her use of the descriptive.  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Grimacing] Fine time for it.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Stops and points] There it is!  
  
King Arthur:  
The Bridge of Death!  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Faintly] Oh, great.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
About damn time.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Points] Look! There's the old man from Scene Twenty-four!  
  
{The group slowly started to advance toward the bridge.}  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
What's he doing here?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Filling in a bit part.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Well, he'd better have my spam. I never got to finish.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Grimaces] Must we talk about spam, Usagi?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sheepishly] Oh. Sorry Setsuna-san.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Trying not to roll his eyes] That man is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Sarcastically] How convienient.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Ignoring her] He asks each traveller five questions-  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Three questions.  
  
King Arthur:  
Three questions. He who.... [Pauses as he notices all of the female Senshi staring at him] All right. He or she who answers the five questions-  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Three questions.  
  
King Arthur:  
Three questions may cross in safety.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] Methinks the crowned one cannot discern thirds from fifths.  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars/Jupiter/Venus/Saturn:  
[Blinking] Eh?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
He can't tell threes from fives.  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars/Jupiter/Venus/Saturn:  
[Nodding] Oh. Then why didn't he say so?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs] Never mind....  
  
Sir Robin:  
What if you get a question wrong?  
  
King Arthur:  
Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.  
  
Sir Robin:  
Oh, I won't go.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Eternal Peril?!? You mean, that smelly pit down there?  
  
King Arthur:  
The same.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
I've been meaning to ask, how do you know so much about this place if you've never been here before and no one has told you about it?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Hesitates] Um.... Well, um, a little bird told me.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Frowns] A little bird? Do you honestly expect us to believe that a little bird told you all about the Bridge of Death?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Points] Look.  
  
{Sailor Mars glances behind her and facefaults as she spots a small bird fluttering behind her holding a cue card in its talons.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[As Mars recovers] Well, you did ask, Rei-chan.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Standing up] Oh, shut up.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Who's going to answer the questions?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Well, I-  
  
King Arthur:  
Sir Robin!  
  
Sir Robin:  
Yes?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Sighs] Never mind.  
  
King Arthur:  
Brave Sir Robin, you go.  
  
Sir Uranus:  
[Snorts] Brave, he says. A guy who soils his armor. Twice.  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Scowls] Oh, shut up, you. [To King Arthur] Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Shaking their heads] No!  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Ignoring them] Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single- handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s-  
  
King Arthur:  
No, no. Hang on! Hang on!  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
Told you.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Glares at them, then turns to Launcelot] Just answer the five questions-  
  
Sir Galahad/Sailor Senshi:  
Three questions.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Glaring at the Senshi] THREE questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Gift for the understatement.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Slightly disappointed] I understand, my liege.  
  
{Sir Launcelot stepped past the group of Knights and Senshi and proceeded toward the Bridge of Death while the others waited and watched.}  
  
King Arthur:  
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Because we sure as hell won't.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Laughing] Good one, Ryo-kun!  
  
{As soon as Sir Launcelot approached the bridge, the old man - whom we'll now call the Bridgekeeper, since he's obviously guarding the bridge - raised a hand to stop him.}  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[With his hand raised toward Sir Launcelot] Stop! [Launcelot stops] Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Firmly] Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Ominous tone] You will be.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Blinks] What?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Also blinks] Oops. Sorry. Wrong movie.  
  
{Everyone but the Bridgekeeper facefaulted.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Shouting] Get on with it!  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Also shouting] Yeah, get on with it!  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your name?  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
To seek the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your favorite color?  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Blue.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Mass facefault] ....  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Excitedly] That's easy!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Pluto as the knights rush forward] What just happened, Setsuna- mama?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Staring] You've got to be kidding me....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[To Uranus] Setsuna's got that poleaxed look. You know what that means.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Nodding] It's the end of the world as we know it.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Grumbling] Oh, shut up, you two.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Rushing forward] I wanna answer some questions, too!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Also rushing forward] Me, too!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[To Uranus] Usagi-chan's just as eager to answer questions as Ami- chan?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Nodding] See? It is the end of the world.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Grinning] Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Any more.  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Crossly] Who asked you?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your name?  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Still grinning] 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Grinning still] To seek the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is the capital of Assyria?  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Stops grinning] I don't know that!  
  
{As soon as he said that, Robin was catapulted into the air, toward the Gorge of Eternal Peril.}  
  
Sir Robin:  
[Flying through the air] Auuuuuuuugh!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Eyes wide] Woah! He wasn't kidding about that being cast into the Gorge thing.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Stepping forward] Let me try. [Approaches the bridge]  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side she see.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Nodding] Very well, then. Please proceed.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Hesitates] I assume you mean my real name?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Thinks] Well... sure, why not?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
My name is Mizuno Ami. [Pauses] ....of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
I seek the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Sweatdrops] What? [Fidgets] Um, well.... Forty-two.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Jaw drops] Ami-chan actually got it wrong?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Astonished] Oh, no! Ami-chan's gonna be flung into that deep, smelly pit! [Crying] Waaaah!  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Slightly embarrassed] Thank you. [Crosses the bridge]  
  
Knights/Sailor Senshi except for Sailor Knight:  
[Staring] ...huh?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Raising an eyebrow] What, I take it you've never read Douglas Adams? [Shrugs] Okay, so who's next?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shaking her head] Um... I think I'll pass for now.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Stepping forward] I'll go.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Sir Galahad:  
'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sir Galahad:  
I seek the Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your favorite color?  
  
Sir Galahad:  
Blue. [Pauses] No, yel- [Suddenly catapulted into the air] Auuuuuuuugh!  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Laughing] Hee hee heh.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shakes his head] Idiot. [Sighs] Fine, then I'll go. [Approaches the bridge]  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Kino Ryoku, of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
To find the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is the sound of one hand clapping?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blinks and frowns] You're joking.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Shakes his head] Afraid not.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sighs in exasperation] Fine. This is the sound of one hand clapping.  
  
{Sailor Knight steps forward, grabs the bridgekeeper by his shirt, lifts him into the air and proceeds to slap him across the face repeatedly. Once he's satisfied, he drops the old man to the ground.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Scowling] That about right?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Rubs his face while frowning] Absolutely n- [Stops as Knight draws Ginzuishouken and points the sword's tip right at his throat] -uh, right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Withdraws Ginzuishouken] Thank you. [Crosses the bridge]  
  
Knights/Sailor Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Steps forward] Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama, Setsuna-mama, I'm going to go next.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nods] Good luck to you.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Looks to Pluto, then nods] Yeah, same here.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Nervously] Tomoe Hotaru, of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[With a little more confidence] To find the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... do you do with witches?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Twitches] What?!?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
I said....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Angrily] I heard what you said! Are you making fun of me?!? Just because I have the power to heal people just by touching them, doesn't mean that I'm a witch!!! I don't want to be burned!!! [Draws her Silence Glaive] Do you hear me? I DON'T WANNA BE BURNED!!!!!  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Sweatdrops] Ehh... right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Blinks] Huh? Oh! [Smiles] Thank you, sir. [Crosses the bridge]  
  
Sailor Mars:  
I never thought I'd live to see the day when little Hotaru-chan would snap like that.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Nods] Yeah. What's the world coming to?  
  
Sailor Uranus/Neptune:  
[Staring dumbstruck] ....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Dryly] Close your mouths, you two. Unless you want to catch flies.  
  
Sailor Uranus/Neptune:  
[Glaring at Pluto] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Stepping forward] Enough of this. I'm going next.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Shrugs] Be my guest. We'll all have to go eventually, anyway.  
  
{King Arthur proceeds toward the Bridge of Death with Sir Bedevere following behind him.}  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Arrogantly] It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Pompously] To seek the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] What do you mean? An African or European swallow?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Frowns in perplexity] Huh? I don't know that. [Gets catapulted into the air] Auuuuuuuugh!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Sweatdrops] They can do that?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Also sweatdrops] I guess so.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Shrugs] I guess since there's no more bridgekeeper, the Bridge of Death is now toll-free.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Nods] Works for me.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Impatiently] Good. Can we go now?  
  
{One after another, the group proceeded across the bridge with King Arthur in the lead and Sir Bedevere close behind him.}  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Curiously] How do know so much about swallows?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Off-handedly] Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.  
  
{Once the group crossed the Bridge of Death, they could see no sign  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________  
  
---- INTERMISSION - THE SCREEN SAVER ----  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________  
  
Jason:  
[Rapidly hitting keys and moving his mouse] Dammit, go away! Stupid screen saver! [Yelling over his shoulder] And who changed my screen saver, anyway? My screen saver's supposed to be nothing but anime pics. [Pointing irritably] And no cheesy calliope music!  
  
{As the camera pans to the right, a man slowly wheels his calliope off the screen, but not before blowing a raspberry at the author, who promptly responds with a finger.}  
  
Jason:  
[To the reader] No, not THAT finger. THIS finger. [Points toward the door] And take your monkey with you!  
  
Monkey:  
Eeeeeeeeaaaaaah! [Throws a peeled banana at him]  
  
Jason:  
[Irritably while wiping banana mush off his face] I hate intermissions....  
  
{As the author stomps away, he fails to notice the discarded banana peel left by the enraged primate. One clichéd pratfall later, the author gets up, gingerly rubs his head while muttering about unnecessary slapstick humor, and attempts to depart with the remaining shreds of his dignity. Not that there was very much left.}  
  
Jason:  
[Very irritably] I really hate intermissions....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted by that meaningless intermission, once the group crossed the Bridge of Death, they could see no sign of either Sir Launcelot, Sailor Mercury, or Sailor Knight anywhere.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Glancing around] Where'd they go?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Also looking around] I thought they would've at least waited for us.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Yelling] Launcelot! Launcelot! [Searching] Launcelot!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Yelling] Launcelot! Launcelot!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shouting] Ryo-chan!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Shouting] Ami-chan!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Shouting] Ryo-kun! Ami-chan!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Yelling] Launcelot!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{The scene cuts to reveal Sir Launcelot leaning against a British police car, legs and arms spread, as a police officer frisks him. The police inspector has already confiscated Launcelot's sword. Meanwhile, the second officer is running back to the first two in order to report that the other two strangely dressed suspects that he had been chasing had managed to evade him. The mysterious thing was that they had vanished into a fog that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{Meanwhile, the group continued the search for their missing companions.}  
  
King Arthur:  
Launcelot!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Launcelot!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Ami-chan!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Ryo-oniichan!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Ami-chan!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Ryo-kun!  
  
{Suddenly, the entire group came to a halt as they neared the crest of the nearby hill. A strange mist seemed to rise up from the other side, calling their attention. Curious - an thinking that the others would surely catch up with them - the group pushed forward toward the top of the hill. From there, they could see a shining lake stretching out at the foot of the hill. And also in the distance-}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Pointing] Look! It's Ryo-chan and Ami-chan!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shouting and waving] Hey! Ami-chan! Ryo-kun!  
  
{From the edge of the lake, the two figures turned and waved, beckoning them excitedly.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Frowning] Wait. Where's Launcelot?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Didn't he cross the bridge with them?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Moving forward] Why don't we go and ask them?  
  
{At Pluto's lead, the group all started for the lake where the two Sailor Senshi waited. As the group approached the lake, Sailor Mercury turned and smiled as a HUGE viking-type ship with a dragon's head carved in the bow floated toward them. The group stared with their jaws all hanging, flabbergasted at seeing such a huge ship appear from out of nowhere.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Gestures] Our ride is here.  
  
{Without a word, the group climbed aboard, one by one, and waited as the huge ship turned itself around and sailed for the small island in the middle of the lake. At the center of the tiny island, a modest-sized castle stood proudly surrounded by the calm waters of the lake. The group stood solemnly as the boat drew closer to its destination.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Reverently] The Castle Arrrggh. Our quest is at an end.  
  
{As the boat touched ground with the island and everyone began to disembark, no one could find it in their hearts to make a snide remark or sarcastic retort. They were glad that the nightmare was almost over.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Awestruck] God be praised.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nods] Thank Kami-sama.  
  
{King Arthur drew his sword and grounded the tip as he knelt and bowed his head. Beside him, Sir Bedevere did the same as both began to pray. The Sailor Senshi exchanged looks and decided to at least bow their heads as a show of respect, even if their religion was slightly cracked, as Sailor Mars put it.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Making hushing gestures and whispering fiercely] Not so loud! You'll interrupt!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Through clenched teeth] We want to get this done as quickly as possible. Shut up!  
  
{Sorry.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Praying] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast brought safe to us the most holy- [Twong]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinking] Twong?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Pointing upward] Look out!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Surprised] Christ! [Ducks along with Bedevere]  
  
{The Sailor Senshi scatter as a sheep suddenly smashes down on King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, knocking them to the ground. The sheep then stands up, tosses its head indignantly, and stomps off in a huff as the two knights moan slightly in pain.}  
  
Sheep:  
[Irritably] Baa BAAAAA BAA baaaa baaa BAAA baaa ba baaaaaa! Baaa baaaaa ba baaa.  
  
Subtitle:  
I am DEFINITELY NOT getting paid enough for THIS line of work! I'm calling my agent.  
  
French guard:  
[Poking his head over the castle wall] Allo, dappy English and Japanese kniggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Seething] What the HELL are YOU doing here?!?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Putting her head in her hands] Oh, no.... Not again....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Angrily] How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Also yelling while posing] Or else, on behalf of the Moon, we'll punish you!  
  
Everyone:  
[While staring at Sailor Moon while blinking] ....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sweatdrops] What? It sounded like the right thing to say at the time....  
  
French guard:  
How you English and Japanese say, 'I one more time, I unclog my nose in your direction', sons and daughters of a window-dresser! [King Arthur and Sir Bedevere start to rush the castle] So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior? [The Knights run up the stairs to the main door] I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters!  
  
King Arthur:  
[While banging on the door with his sword hilt] In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!  
  
French guard:  
No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Folding her arms] Here it comes. I swear, that idiot will never learn.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Starting for the boat] This will not go well. We'd better prepare the boat for departure.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Surprised] Why? The Holy Grail's in that castle! All we have to do is get inside!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Giving Mars a level look] You'll see.  
  
{As Sailor Pluto headed for the ship, the other Senshi, slowly and reluctantly, began to follow suit.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Arrogantly] If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!  
  
{The French guards replied by dropping a bucketful of some foul-smelling, dark brown liquid. The small chunks of soft, brown matter that splattered disgustingly on the ground at their feet indicated that the liquid was something they really didn't want to positively identify anyway. This did not raise King Arthur's spirits in the slightest.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Pissed off] In the name of God and the glory of our-  
  
{The king cut off as he and Sir Bedevere both received yet another brown shower. Above, the French guards began to laugh their little French asses off.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[REALLY pissed off] Right! That settles it!!!  
  
{The scornful laughter continued as the two knights turned and stomped down the stairs toward where the Sailor Senshi waited for them aboard the boat.}  
  
French guard:  
Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we'll fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!  
  
King Arthur:  
[While he and Bedevere strain to maintain their dignity] Walk away. Just ignore them.  
  
French guard:  
[While the other guards continue to taunt] And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English kniggets! And the same goes for those Japanese kniggets, too! Ha ha ha haaa!  
  
{Once the two knights boarded, the ship set sail for the shore of the lake from which they started. Partway to the shore, the Senshi started wrinkling their noses at some offensive odor that suddenly wafted toward them as the wind direction changed.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Covering her nose] Ugh! What's that smell!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shaking her head] It wasn't me! Honest! I swear I didn't fart!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[To Venus] Who said anything about farting, Minako-chan?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] Uh, never mind. Reflex.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Pointing] Aha! So you admit you DO fart!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Eyes widen] Ack! I did no such thing! [Pointedly] A lady does not fart.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Whispering to Uranus] You say anything, and you die.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Raising an eyebrow while smirking] Whatever you say.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Pointing while also covering her nose] It's coming from the back of the boat!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Curiously] Um, what's that stuff on their armor?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sheepishly] Well, um....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sniffing] It.... [Jerks back] Ugh! That stuff smells like shi-  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
I've had it. [Turns and shoves the two knights overboard with her staff] Go wash yourselves off.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Removing her hand from her nose] Was that really necessary, Setsuna- san?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Indignantly while lowering her staff] Well, I certainly was NOT going to touch them smelling like THAT.  
  
{The ship soon reached the shore and the Sailor Senshi all disembarked, then waited for the two knights to trudge their way back to shore. Fortunately, the stench of the foul effluvium that had coated the two knight was washed off by the lake's waters.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Nodding] Much better. You don't stink anymore.  
  
{King Arthur merely glared at Sailor Knight, then at Sailor Pluto, then at the other Sailor Senshi for good measure. Finally, he whirled around to face the castle once again.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Fiercely] We shall attack at once!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Yes, my liege!  
  
{Sir Bedevere attempted to draw his sword, but found that it was stuck in the scabbard due to a long period of not using it. As he struggled to remove his sword from its sheath, King Arthur spun around to face in the opposite direction of the castle, toward the Senshi.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[In a commanding voice] Stand by for attack!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Exchanging glances with Knight] He'd better not mean us.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shaking his head] Of course not. He should know by now that he do not attack people. Just youma.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Puzzled] Okay, so if he's not talking to us, then who....  
  
{Sailor Moon trailed off as an entire army suddenly began to hop toward them from the other side of the hill. Hundreds of armed and armored people marched or hopped toward them, carrying swords and shields and spears and other weapons. King Arthur stood, calm in his anger, while Sir Bedevere stared in surprise at the army that had materialized so suddenly. As the army drew closer, the support section of the army began to crest the hill and settle in behind them. Ballistas, trebuchets, rams, and other such siege weaponry were built. Fires were lit and stoked as last minute repairs and smithing were accomplished. Fletchers made arrows and bows. Spear tips were sanded to deadly, piercing tips. Helmets and shields were donned. Within minutes, the army was lined and assembled, and a still quiet made its presence felt.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Stunned] Woah.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Nodding while also stunned] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Bewildered] Where the hell did they come from anyway?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Turns back toward the castle and draws his sword] French persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Points to herself] Us!  
  
Sailor Senshi except Sailor Moon:  
Shhh!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Gestures toward the castle] Charge!  
  
Knight Army:  
[While charging forward] Hooray!  
  
{With a mighty cry of "Hooray!", the two knights, the knight army - who had conveniently appeared at such short notice - and the Sailor Senshi all charged toward the castle, although the Senshi were merely running because they didn't want to get trampled beneath the army of extras... err, knights. As the army neared the shore of the lake, the loud claxon of police sirens cut through the army's battle cries, bringing the mob to a staggering halt. Once the police car and the accompanying police van came to a stop, the police inspector, followed by the two police officers and the late previous narrator's wife, climbed out of the police car. As the she hurried around the car, she pointed toward King Arthur and Sir Bedevere.}  
  
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:  
[Pointing] Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Frowning] Wait. What is this all about?  
  
Police Inspector:  
[Authoritatively while ignoring Uranus] Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.  
  
Police Officer #1:  
[Bringing out a megaphone and herding the army back] All right. Come on. Back.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Angrily] Hey!  
  
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:  
[Pointing at King Arthur] Get that one.  
  
Police Officer #1:  
[Still herding the crowd back] Back. Right away.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Backing away from the crowd] Hey, what are you guys doing?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Also backing away] It looks like they're after our hopping idiots.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Backing away along with the other Senshi] I say we get outta here.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Maybe we can try for the Holy Grail while they're busy?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nodding] Anything to get outta here!  
  
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:  
[As the second police officer points at King Arthur] Yes.  
  
Police Inspector:  
[Shoving King Arthur toward the police van] Put this man in the van.  
  
Police Officer #1:  
[Grabbing Sir Bedevere] Come on.  
  
Police Inspector:  
[Pointing toward the police van] Come on. Put him in the van.  
  
Police Officer #2:  
[Herding back the crowd] Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! [Pulling off a knight's shield] Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.  
  
Police Inspector:  
[To the wife] Everything?  
  
Late Previous Narrator's Wife:  
[Shaking her head] No, there were those young girls wearing weird- looking sailor uniforms with short mini-skirts and that one young man with them. They were accompanying those men, too.  
  
{Near the ship, all the Sailor Senshi stiffened at once.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Nervous sweating] Oh, crap.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Nodding] Crap, indeed.  
  
{The Senshi were about to flee into the ship when suddenly it sprung twenty- seven leaks simultaneously and sank to the lake bottom in half a second. The Senshi stood staring at the spot were the boat stood, dumbstruck. Especially considering that the water level where the ship previously was only came up to Saturn's knees. The thought shared by all the Sailor Senshi was unanimous.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Shaking a fist at the heavens] Damn you, Jason-san!!!  
  
Police Inspector:  
[Approaching the Senshi] All right, you. Come on. [Gesturing toward the group] Put this lot in the van, too.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Protesting] But we didn't do anything!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Backing away] Besides, you have no reason to arrest us without proper cause.  
  
Police Inspector:  
[Smirking] Then, may I see your passports?  
  
{There was mass blinking among the Senshi as they remembered that their sailor fukus had no pockets.}  
  
Police Inspector:  
[Nods] Right. Illegal entry into the country it is. You're all coming with us. Afterwards, you'll be deported ba-  
  
Voice:  
Cut!  
  
{The scene suddenly freezes as the author suddenly appears in between the police officers and the Sailor Senshi. Only the author and the Sailor Senshi are able to move.}  
  
Jason:  
[Shaking his head] No passports? Don't you know that you should always take your passports with you whenever you interdimensionally travel?  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Mass sweatdrops] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs] Well, this is another fine mess you've all gotten into. At any rate, I can fix this for you, if you want.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Hands on her hips] Fix what?  
  
Jason:  
[Gestures toward the police, the van, and the crowd of knights] That. I can make them all go bye-bye, along with the French guards.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Skeptically as he folds his arms] Uh-huh. And I suppose you want something in return.  
  
Jason:  
[Shrugs imperturbably] What? Can't a guy expect recompense for his services?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Indignantly] Services? You call everything you've done to us SERVICES?!?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Angrily] I was almost burned as a which!  
  
Sailor Jupiter/Venus:  
[Also angrily] We've had to deal with a gung-ho idiot of a knight for months!  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Also also angrily] You allowed Haruka an opportunity to flirt shamelessly as well as let her corrupt Ryo-kun!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Indignantly] Hey!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Nodding] Not only that, but that insane, idiotic, illogical garbage that you call medieval lore caused my brain to short circuit numerous times!  
  
Jason:  
According to medieval medical lore, if you hang someone upside-down from the highest branch of a tall tree, then you can cure them of their hiccups.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Grins] I just love doing that to her. She looks so cute twitching like that.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Also also angrily, too] You've dropped an untold number of rocks on me! [Pauses] Excuse me for a moment.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Be my guest.  
  
{Sailor Knight kisses Mercury, snapping her out of her twitching fit. On an impulse, the author quickly whipped out his laptop and started typing away. Soon, Sailor Mercury was kissing back with a surprising passion. Knight's eyes flung open as he was swept off his feet into the traditional passionate kiss pose, but with the roles reversed. Knight's arms windmilled as he struggled to regain his balance and lean back up, but Mercury was too determined... and, to be quite honest, he was beginning to enjoy himself quite a bit.}  
  
Sailor Senshi except for Mercury/Knight:  
[Staring] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Mischievous grinning] Any other gripes or complaints?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Raises her hand] I still didn't get to finish my spam.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Disgustedly] I was subjected to spam.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Looking at the both of them] I had to deal with them dealing with spam. Not only that, but I still think that those head-banging monks are idiots. What kind of religion is that, anyway?  
  
Jason:  
[Seriously] You're better off not knowing.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Nodding] That explains a lot.  
  
Jason:  
Well then - death threats notwithstanding - I guess I put you through enough. [Brings out the laptop again] I'll be nice and make things easy for you. After all, we're near the end of this story anyway.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Wearily cheering] Yay.  
  
Jason:  
[Dryly] Please. Don't strain yourselves rejoicing. [Starts typing]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Run cmd  
  
C:\Documents and Settings\Jasoncd \fan*\gr*\ex*  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasdel police.exe  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasdel knghtarm.exe  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasdel frnchgrd.exe  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasdel policevn.exe  
  
{With the execution of each command, the respective frozen element suddenly vanished from sight.}  
  
Laptop display:  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasstart grail  
  
Running grail.exe....  
  
Jason:  
[Grins back at the Senshi] Anyone want to do the honors? [Turns his laptop toward the Senshi] Just follow the prompts and the holy grail will be yours. It's very easy.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
I think Usagi-chan should do it.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] The grail belongs to Usagi-chan. It's only right.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... Remember when you tried to teach Usagi how to use a computer?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Defensively] How was I supposed to know that the monitor would blow up like that? No one got hurt; that's the important thing.  
  
Jason:  
[Rolling his eyes] Don't worry about that. I've installed safeguards. Nothing will blow up.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Stepping toward the laptop] All right, then. Here I go.  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Do you enjoy torturing small animals? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks] What the heck is this?  
  
Jason:  
Just choose one. The program will generate the type of grail you need based upon your answers. [Shrugs] Hey, I didn't write it. I just downloaded it off the Net.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sighs] Oh, fine then. [Hits the N key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
No. Are you afraid of snakes? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shudders] .... [Hits the Y key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Yes. Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks] Nazis? What kind of crazy program is this anyway?  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Don't get mad at me. I'm just doing my job. Now answer the damn question already. Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks and sweatdrops] Um... okay. [Hits the N key]  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
That's quite a temperamental program you have, Jason-san.  
  
Jason:  
That's nothing compared to Windows ME.  
  
Laptop display:  
  
No. Final question: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?  
  
Answer: ___________________________________________  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Pointing] What the heck is THAT?!?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Twitches] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Smiles] Oh, how cute! She twitches just like Ami does!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grabbing the author by the shirt] Quit acting like an idiot and start making yourself useful!  
  
Jason:  
[Firmly, but politely removing Uranus' hand from his shirt] I take it none of you have seen the movie?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
What movie?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nodding] I understand. [To Sailor Moon] Just enter your name, Usagi- chan.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinking in confusion] Wha...? Well, all right. If you say so, Setsuna-san. [Starts typing]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Tsukino Usagi  
  
ID match: Sailor Moon  
  
Referencing database..........  
  
Match found. Downloading "Holy Grail"....  
  
0%....10%....20%....30%....40%....50%....60%....70%....80%....90%....100%  
  
[.....................................................................]  
  
Download complete.  
  
{As soon as the message flashed on the laptop screen, the Holy Grail shimmered into being above the author's laptop. With reverent hands, Sailor Moon reached out and clasped the grail in both her hands.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Whispering] This is it. I know this feeling. This is definitely the Holy Grail. [Turns to the other Senshi] Everyone, let's go home.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
About damn time, too.  
  
Jason:  
[Nodding as he turns toward the laptop] Right. Then it's time to send you all home. [Starts typing]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasstart rtrnwarp  
  
{Suddenly, the world around them began to blur as reality began to warp into vertical wavy lines rocking back and forth. All of the Sailor Senshi began to gather around the laptop as the oscillation began to pick up in speed. The blurs began to bleed together into a hodgepodge of color, not unlike a tie-dyed shirt or someone's crude idea of abstract art.}  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Hesitantly] Um... Jason-san?  
  
Jason:  
Yes, Hotaru?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Puzzled as she points to the laptop display] What's an 'internal error?'  
  
Jason:  
[Wide-eyed] ...uh-oh.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Aghast] Uh-oh?!? What do you mean, 'uh-oh???'  
  
Jason:  
[Trying not to panic] Don't worry. As long as the laptop doesn't.... [Pales] Oh, no.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Panicking] Oh, no?!? That's even worse than 'uh-oh!!!' What did you do?!?  
  
Jason:  
[Starting to panic] No, wait. It's just locked up. We can still make it back.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Quietly to Neptune] I'm sorry for all the flirting I've done, Michiru. I just wanted you to know that.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Calmly] Usagi, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for being so mean to you all this time.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Hesitantly] Ryo-chan, I- [Cuts off as she sees Venus kissing Knight passionately] Minako-chan!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[After breaking off the kiss] I just wanted to see what it felt like. [Sadly] Just once, before....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Calmly to the author] Isn't there anything you can do?  
  
Jason:  
[Glances at Pluto's staff] I could ask you the same question, but your powers don't work like that, do they?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shaking her head ruefully] Unfortunately, no.  
  
Jason:  
[Smiles weakly] We could still make it, you know. Just as long as the laptop doesn't blue scr.... [Trails off as he stares at his laptop in horror] Oh, shi-  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
A General Protection fault occured at 0x0fe1bc. Beginning virtual memory dump.  
  
00ffee 00ac34 12bc04 7f23dc a8be90 0011ba 00aafe 00db21 11ba94 0f1300 a0be02 00eefc 00ccaa 0043f5 02af06 5f26ca e8cd11 0055ef 00ffcc 00fe48 70bc55 1fe3af a0cd50 0044da 00bbff 008ce7 a1af04 7f45cc e0be00 00aacd 00ddcf 00ad02 53ce10 ef293a a8b9a0 0011ff  
  
Virtual memory dump complete.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Coming soon to a website near you....  
  
A Grail?!? - Epilogue and Omake!  
  
Questions? Comments? WTF? E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil 


	15. Epilogue and Omake!

A Grail?!? A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy. By Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine. If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.  
  
Be afraid.... Be very afraid.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Epilogue  
  
{The scene opens in an empty room where Chibiusa and the narrator are sitting around, apparently waiting for something.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Blinking] Umm.... Is it over now?  
  
Narrator:  
[Glancing around] Uh... yes, I... think so. Jason-san isn't around and we haven't heard from him since he left to go end the story.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Slowly grinning] Do you realize what this means?  
  
Narrator:  
[Puzzled] What?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Happily] We're off the hook! Jason-san's probably forgotten about our punishment by now! We're free!  
  
{The two stand up and start for the door, laughing cheerily. However, their laughter suddenly dies off when they open the door and find the author standing just outside the doorway with his arms folded and a smirk on his face.}  
  
Jason:  
[Leans toward Chibiusa and the narrator] Boo.  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Jerks back] Gyah!  
  
Jason:  
Thought I forgot about you, didn't you?  
  
Narrator:  
[Perplexed] Wait. Aren't you supposed to be trapped in limbo? Your laptop blue screened in mid-warp.  
  
Jason:  
[Smugly] Luckily, Skuld chose to intervene and restore my laptop. You see, it pays to stay on the good side of a mechanically-inclined goddess. Anyway, It's fixed now, so I wouldn't count on another blue screen of death to come to your rescue. [Stops smirking] At any rate, remember when I told you that I had something planned to punish you for screwing with my laptop? [Sees them both nod weakly] Well, it's time.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Apprehensively] What are you going to do to us, Jason-san?  
  
Jason:  
[Grinning evilly] What's worse than being subjected to a completely insane movie/fanfiction story?  
  
Narrator:  
[Eyes widen in horror] No.... You wouldn't.... Please! Anything but that!!!  
  
Jason:  
That's right! [Shouting down the hallway] Cue the outtakes!  
  
{Down the hall, a young girl with facial markings and sporting a mallet with a long handle strapped to her back turned and waved back. In her other hand was a gallon of Haagen Daas ice cream.}  
  
Skuld:  
[Cheerily] Sure thing, Jason-san!  
  
{Skuld turns and picks up the remote control of a very elaborate-looking machine and flips a switch.}  
  
Skuld:  
[Pointing dramatically with the remote] All right, Mr. Projecto! Roll the outtakes!  
  
{The machine, Mr. Projecto, whirred to life at the opposite side of the screen. The author brought in another chair from apparently nowhere and sat down while Chibiusa and the Narrator were made to sit back in their seats.}  
  
Jason:  
[While handing Chibiusa and the Narrator tubs of popcorn and sodas] Here. Even though I'm forcing you to watch these, that doesn't mean I'm totally cruel. [Grabs a tub of popcorn and soda for himself] Now be good and stay quiet.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
OMAKE! OMAKe! OMAke! OMake! Omake! omake!  
  
OMAKE! OMAKE! OMAKE! !EKAMO !EKAMO !EKAMO  
  
omake! omakE! omaKE! omAKE! oMAKE! OMAKE!  
  
(Dïd I mëntiøn thät thïs wäs än Ømäke?)  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Rei:  
[Tiredly] If you are all finished discussing Ryo-kun's humiliating defeat-  
  
Ryoku:  
[Indignantly] HEY!!!  
  
Rei:  
[Ignoring him] -then can we get on with this? I'd like to do this reading before the end of the day.  
  
Luna:  
[Sighs] Please go ahead, Rei-chan. I'm sure they're finished.  
  
Ryoku:  
I know I'd like to get on with it.  
  
Makoto:  
[Knowingly] Only because....  
  
Ryoku:  
[Warningly] Don't go there, Mako-chan!  
  
Rei:  
[Turning toward the flame] At any rate.... [Chanting while moving her hands in various positions in front of the fire and concentrating] Rin... pyou... tou... sha... kai... jin... retsu... sai... zen!  
  
{On the last word, the fire suddenly dies out. Rei stares blankly at the fire until Grandpa walks in. He takes one look, nods to himself, and slides open a panel on the floor. He reaches in and turns a knob one half-turn, then slides the panel back. He then takes out a match, quickly strikes it, and tosses it into the center of the fire pit. Instantly, the fire roars back to life. Grandpa then nods to himself in satisfaction and leaves.}  
  
All:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Makoto:  
[Astonished] The holy fire was a gas flame?  
  
Rei:  
[Flabergasted] I... I never knew....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Haruka:  
[Sounding annoyed] Hey! What're we doing here?  
  
Michiru:  
Is this supposed to be some sort of practical joke or something?  
  
Hotaru:  
[To Setsuna] Setsuna-mama, what's going on?  
  
Setsuna:  
[Sighing fatalistically] Oh, not again....  
  
Ryoku:  
[To Jason as the rest of the Inner Senshi fill in the Outers on what's been happening] And what's the second thing you forgot to mention?  
  
Jason:  
[Warningly as he types at his laptop again] Don't turn around.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Snorts skeptically as he turns around] And why shouldn't I turn arou.... [Gets cut off as Haruka suddenly grabs him, embraces him and starts kissing him passionately]  
  
Everyone else:  
[Staring in utter disbelief] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Laughing out loud] That's why. You see, in the fanfiction world, fanfiction authors - like myself - have the ability to influence the reflection we visit. We can bend it to our will and effectively control the actions of those around us. [Grins widely] Those of us who are very experienced in this practice can also influence the other two universes within a certain distance. Myself, I can affect people within a 2.5km radius. [Notices that Haruka and Ryoku are still... well, they're still at it] Um... I think I made my point.  
  
{The author turns back to his laptop, only to find an error message displayed predominately across the screen.}  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks] Huh? 'Internal error?'  
  
{As the author tries to fix his computer problem, the others continued to watch in astonished disbelief while Haruka and Ryoku started to get a little more... amorous.}  
  
Jason:  
[While typing] Come on! Work, dammit! [Blinks] Hey! No, don't freeze up!  
  
{Suddenly Haruka and Ryoku break apart and run out of the room together. The others run after them as far as the doorway, except for Rei, who kept chasing after them.}  
  
Rei:  
[Yelling] Hey! Don't go in there! That's MY room, dammit!  
  
{The door to Rei's room slams shut and locks. This immediately worries Rei as she never had a lock installed on her bedroom door in the first place. Her hair starts to toing out as certain... noises could be heard from inside.}  
  
Rei:  
[Slups down to her knees] No.... Not my room....  
  
Michiru:  
[Calmly to Ami] It's not their fault, Ami-chan. Don't get upset.  
  
Ami:  
[Grumbling quietly] He just had to go and make his point. Now look what's happened. [Glaring at the author] Jason-san no baka!  
  
Jason:  
[Still typing furiously] It's all right! I can still fix this, just as long as my laptop doesn't.... [Blinks again] Uh-oh.  
  
{The door abruptly slid open and several articles of clothing and undergarments flew out. Just as abruptly, the door slammed shut once again. The noises were getting noticably louder and more... suggestive. The other girls turned to glare angrily at the author, with the exception of Rei, who was still dealing with the dual ordeal of having... THAT going on in HER room, and having to deal with two pairs of boxers lying on her head, one cotton and one satin. Well, at least this answered the question of what type of underwear Haruka wore under her usual male garments. Now the only question was whose boxers were whose.}  
  
Makoto:  
Well, I never expected that Ryo-chan would lose his virginity to Haruka-san, of all people.  
  
Minako:  
[Stares at Makoto] Mako-chan! Not in front of Ami-chan and Michiru- san!  
  
Makoto:  
[Blinks] Huh? [Notices their furious expressions] Oh. Um... forget what I said then. [Sweatdrops while laughing sheepishly with her hand behind her head]  
  
Ami:  
[Pulls furiously at her hair] Aaaaaaugh!!!  
  
Jason:  
[Laments] Not the Blue Screen of Death!!! Damn Windows ME! [Dramatically] Damn you, Gates! DAMN YOU!!!  
  
Michiru:  
[Coldly] Jason-san, I suggest you fix this quickly.  
  
Ami:  
[Also coldly] Yes. Before we kill you.  
  
Jason:  
[Swallows as he glances back toward Rei's room] Certainly.  
  
Rei:  
[Lamenting] My room....  
  
Haruka's voice:  
[From inside Rei's room] Mmmm... Ryo-kun, where'd you learn to do THAT?  
  
Ryoku's voice:  
[Also from inside Rei's room] That's a secret.  
  
{The author flinched as Ami and Michiru glared even more balefully at him.}  
  
Jason:  
[Sweatdrops] Oh, my....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Usagi:  
[Reaches to grab her transformation brooch, but pauses] Um... what season are we in for this fanfic, Jason-san?  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks] Oh, I completely forgot about that! Um... well, since I haven't seen the Stars series at this time, we'll stick with the SuperS series, sans Chibiusa.  
  
Usagi:  
[Happily] No Chibiusa? Oh, I could kiss you for that! [Pauses] Um, what about Mamo-chan? Shouldn't we be bringing him in, too?  
  
{The scene cuts to show Mamoru lounging around in his apartment, wearing nothing but a pair of white boxers. The remote control for his large, wide-screen TV is in his hand and a can of Yebisu beer is in the other. The TV is showing an American football game: the San Francisco 49ers playing the Dallas Cowboys. The author doesn't give a damn who's winning because he doesn't like either team. As Mamoru takes a pull from the Yebisu, he finally notices that there's probably hundred of female Mamo-chan lovers watching him at this moment and dives behind his couch.}  
  
Mamoru:  
[Hiding behind his couch] Hey! I'm on vacation, dammit! Can't a man just relax and not worry about having to act all heroic and bishounen all the time?  
  
{The scene changes back to the author and the Senshi.}  
  
Jason:  
Um... I think we can leave him out of this one.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Jason:  
All right! All right, already! [sighs] Anyway, just transform and follow me into the flame. [Disappears]  
  
{The ten stare at the flame for a few seconds before pulling out their transformation items - Usagi had to take a moment to remember which brooch was for which season - and said their transformation phrases.}  
  
Usagi:  
Moon crisis.... [Pauses] Um, can I use this transformation without Chibiusa?  
  
Jason:  
[Reappears typing away at his laptop] Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. [Stops typing] Okay. You should be all right now. [Disappears again]  
  
Usagi:  
All right! Moon crisis, make up!  
  
{After the transformations are complete, each of the Sailor Senshi enters the flame, one by one. As they enter the flame, they vanish, only to reappear beside Jason, all burnt and sooty with several hairs toinging up in the air.}  
  
Jason:  
[Blinking] Oops. That wasn't supposed to happen....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Off screen] Are you sure no one's around?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Also off screen] For the hundredth time, Haruka, yes. No one is around.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Off screen as well] We'd better make this quick. Who knows when Jason-san will be back to write another chapter?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nodding off screen] Yes, let's please hurry. I'd die of embarrasment if anyone else saw me do this.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Off of the screen] Aw, come on, Setsuna-mama! You were the one who suggested it!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[No, still off screen] You don't have to rub it in, Hotaru-chan.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[In the part of the screen that is off] Besides, we all agreed that this would be a good way to relieve our stress.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Take a wild guess] Even if a bit on the ridiculous side. But, why did I have to get stuck with the gear?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[That's right; off screen] Because we need someone to provide the sound effects, remember?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[You get ten points] Come on! I wanna get started!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Don't spend them all in one place] Yeah. The sooner we do this, the sooner we get this over with.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Thank you for playing] All right, let's get started. Follow my lead.  
  
{Unbeknownst to the Sailor Senshi, the camera quietly pans toward the group. As they come into view, each Senshi are seen hopping up and down with one hand raised as if holding the reigns of a horse. Sailor Knight trails behind the other Senshi while banging a pair of coconut shells together.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Hopping happily] This is fun! Yay!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Grumbling while banging coconut shells together] I'm NOT making any horse sound effects. No way. No how.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Pointing to the dead person] He says he's not dead!  
  
Customer:  
Yes, he is.  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Dead Person:  
I'm not!  
  
Cartmaster:  
He isn't?  
  
Customer:  
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.  
  
Dead Person:  
I'm getting better.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shrugs] He looks fine to me.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... These old folks nowadays, you never can tell. They could keel over at any minute.  
  
{An old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Points] See what I mean?  
  
{Another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Puts a hand to her mouth] How awful....  
  
{Yet another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinks] When you say they can keel over any minute, you weren't kidding.  
  
{An old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Surprised] Damn! They're dropping like flies!  
  
{Another old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Concernedly] Quick! Someone call a doctor!  
  
{Not surprisingly, another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Calmly] I don't think there's anything we can do, Ami-chan. This is the era that the Black Plague hit, remember? Don't be surprised if you see many old people die from sickness.  
  
{As expected, another old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Continuing] But still, this is ridiculous.  
  
{Ignoring Pluto's comment, another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Um.... How many was that? I kinda lost count.  
  
{And yet again, another old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Indifferently] I think that one made nine.  
  
{Right on schedule, yet another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Flatly] Make that ten.  
  
{With a flair unlike that of any other, yet another old woman unsurprisingly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Eleven.  
  
{As if you didn't already see this coming, another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Twelve....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{King Arthur hops through the village with Patsy banging his coconuts as he follows.}  
  
Customer:  
[Glances at King Arthur] Who's that, then?  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Shrugs] I dunno. Must be a king.  
  
Customer:  
Why?  
  
Cartmaster:  
He hasn't got... [Looks overhead] ...watch out!  
  
Customer:  
[Also looks overhead] What the...?!?  
  
{Both jump out of the way just in time as a large foot crashes into the ground. The words "No curse words in this fic! It has a G rating, remember? -Jason" are printed on a cloth hanging from around the foot's ankle.}  
  
Customer:  
[Stares in utter disbelief] What the hell?!? What's a huge human foot doing falling from the sky like that?  
  
{A sign appears with the words "This is a Monty Python/Sailor Moon crossover, remember? What kind of fic with elements of Monty Python humor doesn't include the infamous Monty Python foot? -Jason" on it.}  
  
Customer:  
[Thinking it over] Well. He does have a point, you know.  
  
{Suddenly, a loud voice boomed from the heavens above.}  
  
Voice:  
[Booming loudly] Ewwww! I stepped in a pile of dead people.  
  
{As the huge foot lifts up, everyone looks to see that the cart has been totally crushed by the giant foot.}  
  
Cartmaster:  
[Staring dispairingly] My cart!!!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
King Arthur:  
[Reverently] The Lady of the Lake... her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glances around] Did you just hear angels signing back then?  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
I didn't know water had a bosom.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Divine Providence? What's that?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
I think it has something to do with the Christian religion.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Frowns] But, we're Shinto!  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinks] Samite? What's that, a long-lost Dark Kingdom General that we never heard of?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Warningly] I wouldn't be saying that if I were you. You might be giving ideas to the readers. Now there'll be new fics out there with a long-lost Dark Kingdom General named Samite who's trying to revive the Dark Kingdom or something.  
  
{Suddenly, a fanfiction writer looks up from her computer and grins.}  
  
Fic writer:  
[Excitedly] Of course! Now, why didn't I think of that before! Sure, there are already hundreds of SM fics with hundreds of long-lost Dark Kingdom Generals out there, but I'm going to conveniently forget that fact and write another one with the long-lost General, Samite! I'm a genius!  
  
{The scene returns to show everyone, including King Arthur and Dennis staring at Sailor Mars and Sailor Jupiter with a now-look-what-you-did look on their faces.}  
  
Sailor Mars/Jupiter:  
[Penitently with their heads in their hands] We are so very sorry....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Staring skyward] Before we continue this story any further, Jason- san, we must inform you that, by a unanimous vote of 11-0, that at no time during this scene or any scene that takes place in a forest, we hearby call "No Skipping Through the Forest While Linking Arms and Chanting 'Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!'".  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Drat! -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[To Neptune] It's a good thing you thought of that before he did.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Did the name have to be that long, though? It's a mouthful.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Disappointedly] Aw.... Can't we skip anyway?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Exchanging looks with the other Senshi] Well....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[With puppy-dog eyes] Pleeeeease?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Relenting] Well... all right.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Happily] Yay!!!  
  
{Soon, all of the Sailor Senshi had all linked arms and started to skip through the forest.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[While skipping] Lions and tigers and bears!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Oh, my!  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[While skipping] Lions and tigers and bears!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Oh, my!  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[While skipping] Lions and tigers and bears!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Oh, my!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Trailing behind while shaking his head in bewilderment] Now, THAT'S an eccentric performance.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
Are you being just slightly overprotective, Neptune?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
We have a hard enough time trying to protect her from those gaijin TV shows and movies that your boyfriend watches sometimes.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Indignantly] Hey! Don't bring me into this!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[While taking Neptune's hands off her eyes] But Michiru-mama, Haruka- papa, I like watching those shows with Ryo-oniichan! Thanks to him, I know what a... [Questioningly to Knight] ...'raitoseibaa'? [Knight nods] ...is.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Shakes her head and sighs] I don't think I'll ever understand gaijin movies.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glares at Uranus while holding up a hand toward her] I find your lack of faith... disturbing.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Blinking] Now what are yo- [Cuts off as her air supply suddenly gets choked off]  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Imperiously] You are a member of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. [Gestures dismissively] Take her away!  
  
{A pair of stormtroopers march onto the scene, grab Sailor Uranus - who was still trying to breathe while getting Force Choked - and haul her away while the other Sailor Senshi blink and stare, completely baffled by the incongruity of it all.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Dropping his hand to let Uranus breathe] You have done well, apprentice.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Kneeling] Thank you, my Master.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Still stunned] Mako-chan, what was that movie epic that Ryo-kun and Hotaru-chan keep watching again?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Also still stunned] Some gaijin movie series called 'Sutaa Warusu,' I think.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Steps forward and calmly reaches out with her hand outstretched] Darth Ryoku, Darth Hotaru, the Dark Side is strong in you both, but I also sense goodness in you. Renounce the Dark Side before it consumes you.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Shocked] Ami-chan, too?!?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shrugs] I guess she's a closet otaku.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Sighs] Figures. But, if they start cosplaying, then I'm leaving.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Quietly with a hint of menace] And why should we do that, Ami-Wan Kenobi?  
  
{Suddenly, a small tube-like device flips into her hand, which she activates with the flick of her thumb. With a snap-hiss sound effect, her lightsaber ignites with a glowing blue light.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Smiling calmly] Because I have this.  
  
Sailor Saturn/Knight:  
[Eyes wide] Oooh! A 'raitoseibaa'! Teach me how to build one, too!  
  
{Everyone present - with the exceptions of the three Star Wars otaku - promptly facefaulted.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Monks:  
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap]  
  
{As the monks trudge forward, the Inner Senshi follow behind them, each with a wooden plank of their own.}  
  
Inner Senshi:  
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Painfully] Ow! Dammit, this HURTS!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Rubbing her head] I still fail to see how this applies to religion.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Also rubbing her head] Anyone got an aspirin?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Grumbling] Who's dumb idea was this, anyway?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To the Outer Senshi] Have I mentioned how glad I am that I'm not an Inner Senshi anymore?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[In a stage whisper] Um, that was next chapter, Ryo-kun.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blinks] .... [Grimaces] Oh, crap.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[To Knight] Can't you do something about her, Ryo-kun?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Looks thoughtfully at Mercury] Hmm....  
  
{Sailor Knight grins, then kisses Mercury, causing her to snap out of her twitching fit. Mercury smiles, then grabs Knight and initiates a passionate make-out session with him, causing the jaws of all present to collectively drop.}  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Grinning at Uranus] And you thought that Ami-chan was frigid.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Shrugs] I guess I was wrong. [Nods approvingly] And she's not a bad kisser, either, from the looks of it. Makes me a little curious....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Flatly] Not if you want to live.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Quietly] Yes, ma'am.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Very flatly] Twenty-seven.  
  
{To the complete and utter surprise of absolutely no one, another old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Twenty-eight.  
  
{As it was now her turn, yet another old woman prudently grabs at her chest and keels over off screen, not wanting to obstruct others from being able to die when it was their turn.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Twenty-nine.  
  
{Performing a triple axle followed by a perfectly executed double lutz, yet another old woman gracefully grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Thirty.  
  
{Seeing that this was her last chance at getting out of her constant bit player role and into some decent acting, another old woman dramatically grabs at her chest and proceeds to keel over off screen, hamming it up as much as possible in order to get noticed, not realizing that all this was happening off screen and no one would really see it anyway, so it was really just pointless at the end.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] Thirty-one....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Jason:  
[Points upward] Look up.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Glances upward to see a huge rock, then glares at Jason] I don't like you.  
  
Jason:  
[Wryly as Knight dives out of the way of the falling rock] I'm crushed.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Scowls] Cute, Jason-kun. Very cute.  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks] I aim to please. At any rate, now that I've had my fun....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Flatly] He calls this fun?  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks as laptop suddenly appears at his hands] What was that Haruka- san? You wanted to try kissing Ryo-kun again? [Starts typing] Well, if you insist....  
  
Everyone:  
[Shouting in horror] NO!!!  
  
Jason:  
[Blinking] Huh? What's gotten into all of you all of a sudden?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Apprehensively] Don't you remember what happened the LAST time you did that?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Concernedly] Rei-chan was pretty much mentally scarred from the last time that happened.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Whimpering] My room....  
  
Jason:  
[Sweatdrops] I... see. Anyway, I'll have you know that I fixed the problem with my laptop, so that won't happen again. But still.... [Laptop vanishes]  
  
Everyone:  
[Very much relieved] Thank you.  
  
Jason:  
And yet another crisis has been averted.  
  
Everyone:  
[Deadpan] Yay....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Launcelot:  
[Stops and points] Look, my liege!  
  
{All the knights reign in... well, themselves, and glance in the direction Launcelot pointed in. The Senshi stop as well and stare as well. Sailor Mercury tenatively removes her hands from her ears, but keeps them ready just in case.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Reverently] Camelot!  
  
Galahad:  
[Also reverently] Camelot!  
  
Launcelot:  
[Just as reverently] Camelot!  
  
Patsy:  
[Not reverently] It's only a model. [Shrugs]  
  
Senshi:  
....  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Glancing around] Has anyone seen Ryo-chan? He was just here a minute ago....  
  
{Suddenly, Sailor Knight stood up beside the Camelot model and roared loudly as he thrust both his fists into the air. From the camera's perspective, the male Sailor Senshi appeared to be over 100 feet tall as his head just reached over the top of the model.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[In mock fear] Oh, no! It's Ryo-Gojira!  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Playing along] He's come to destroy the fair city (castle) of Camelot!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Struggling to maintain a properly frightened face and not burst out laughing] O-oh, n-no! Ha, ha.... Ahem! I mean, we must f-f-flee... hee, hee... FLEE for our l-lives! Hahahahahahaha!  
  
{As Saturn burst into a fit of laughter, Sailor Knight, a.k.a. Ryo-Gojira, a.k.a. Ryo-Godzilla (for you non-Japanese types), promptly began to ruthlessly wreck the model with his bear hands, all the while roaring and screeching like in the Godzilla movies. All of the Senshi quickly brought out cameras and started to repeatedly take pictures because that's what they're supposed to do in these sort of movies, right? Anyway, as Ryo-Godzilla proceeded to rampage and the other Senshi were busy taking pictures like good little tourists, the Knights all watched with huge sweatdrops forming at the backs of their heads.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Impassively as he turns to leave] Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.  
  
Knights:  
[Also impassively as they turn to follow him] Right, right....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Tiredly] Fifty-three.  
  
{And once again, another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen, landing on top of the seven-foot pile of dead bodies that had accumulated over the past three hours.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Fifty-four.  
  
{Performing a vicious cannonball into the huge corpse pile from the roof of the nearest house, yet another old man wildy grabs at his chest and keels over off screen, receiving a score of 7.5 from Sailor Moon, 6.75 from Mercury, 8.0 from Venus, 7.25 from Mars, and a 7.0 from Jupiter.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Holding up a scorecard reading 6.5] Fifty-five.  
  
{Wasting no time whatsoever, another old man quickly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen, wanting to get this scene over with so he could leave and get back to watching Matlock reruns.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Fifty-six.  
  
{While dancing in a ballet dress complete with pink tutu, another old woman artistically grabs at her chest while pirouetting and proceeds to keel over gracefully off screen, amidst the generous applause.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Softly clapping] Fifty-seven.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Irritably] All right, Jason-san. This joke has gone on for long enough. Get on with it.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Shouting and shaking their fists angrily] Yeah, get on with it!  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Fine. Moving on. -Jason" on it.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Clap your hands.  
  
{Everyone present starts to clap their hands.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Hop up and down.  
  
{Everyone begins to hop while clapping their hands.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Stop clapping.  
  
{No one stops clapping.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Stop clapping.  
  
{Everyone stops clapping their hands.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Wave your right hand over your head.  
  
{Everyone starts to wave their right hands over their heads.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Stop hopping.  
  
{Sailor Uranus stops hopping and walks over to the side, grumbling about what a stupid game this is.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Stop waving.  
  
{Half of the Senshi and Knights stop hopping, realize their mistake, and go to join Uranus, who was sitting off to the side and watching the others. Only King Arthur, Sir Bedevere, Sir Launcelot, Sailor Mars, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Knight, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto still continued to hop.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Stop hopping.  
  
{They stop hopping.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Flap your arms.  
  
{They flap their arms.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Stop hopping.  
  
{Sir Launcelot stops flapping his arms for a split second, then continues while pretending that he never stopped in the first place.}  
  
Sir Galahad:  
You stopped flapping your arms, Launcelot.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Flapping] No, I didn't.  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Nodding] Yes, you did. I saw you stop.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Still flapping] No, I didn't.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Derisively] Oh, come on! We all saw you. Quit cheating!  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
Cheater! [Sticking out her tongue and pulling down an eyelid] Biidah!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Glaring at Launcelot] Those who would cheat at a game of Sailor Moon Says cannot be forgiven! [Goes through her usual poses] On behalf of the Moon, I'll punish you!  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Indignantly] I tell you, I did not cheat!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Sailor Moon says: Stop flapping.  
  
{They stop flapping.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Frowning angrily] Sailor Moon says: Kick the cheater's butt.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[BIG sweatdrops] Eeep. [Flees] Run away!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Draws his sword] After the cheater!  
  
Everyone else:  
[Brandishes fists skyward] Yeah!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Points his sword toward the fleeing Launcelot] Charge!  
  
{Cue the ridiculous chase scene.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
King Arthur:  
[As he and the others all poke their heads up to watch the guards go into the castle] What happens now?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Oblivious to the flat looks the Senshi are giving him] Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. [Eagerly] Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!  
  
King Arthur:  
[While suddenly realizing that something had gone wrong, especially from the sighs of vexation coming from the Senshi] Who leaps out?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[While pointing to each in turn] Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh.... [Finally realizes his slip]  
  
King Arthur:  
[While he and the other Knights shake their heads in vexation] Ohh....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Sighs] So much for the Trojan Rabbit.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirks at Sailor Moon] You mean, the Trojan Usagi.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Testily] Okay, so my name means 'rabbit'! I still say we should've used a different animal.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Undaunted] Oh. Well, maybe we could try building a huge wooden badger....  
  
{Once again, the strange sounds returned to the copse of trees that stood not too far from the castle, where the Knights had retreated to. The sounds of sawing wood filled the air, accompanied by clunks and bangs and squeaking. A drill whirred, and more sawing and clunking and crashing and banging and clanging followed. After all the noises ceased, the French guard watched as the Knights and the Senshi pushed a huge wooden structure on wheels toward the castle entrance. The large badger-shaped wooden structure squeaked and creaked as it was pushed up toward the castle entrance and then abandoned as the Knights and the Senshi ran back to where they had first taken cover. Once again, the guards take the wooden structure into the castle.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[As he and the others all poke their heads up to watch the guards go into the castle] What happens now?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Please say that this is a better plan than last time.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Well, now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, will wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the badger-  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Indignantly] That's exactly the same as before!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Blinking] Is it?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[In exasperation] Yes, it is! Think of something else, dummy!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Thinking] Well... we could try building a huge wooden caribou....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Shaking her head] No. No Trojan Caribou.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
No? [Thinking again] Well, we could try building a huge wooden penguin....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Arching an eyebrow] A Trojan Penguin? In England? I don't think so. Try a little harder.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Thinking some more] Well, we could try building a huge wooden firefly....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Grinning] I kind of like that idea....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shaking her head] No. We will not build a Trojan Firefly.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Pouting] Aww.... But, Usagi-chan got a Trojan Usagi, so why can't I get a Trojan Hotaru?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Smiling] Don't worry, Hotaru-chan. I'll build you a miniture Trojan Hotaru when get back home.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Grinning] Yay!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
No firefly, then. Well then, what if we build a huge wooden yeti riding an ox while carrying and eel and a crane?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Shaking her head] No, we will not build a Trojan.... [Blinks] What???  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Let me get this straight: A Trojan Yeti-Riding-Ox-While-Carrying-Eel- And-Crane?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Nodding eagerly] Yes, that's it.  
  
{Sailor Knight promptly smacked Bedevere upside the head.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Irritably] Idiot. [Glances up as the sound heavy things being catapulted into the air reaches them] Uh-oh. You know what THAT sound means.  
  
Everyone:  
[Nodding] We do. RUN AWAY!!! [Flees as the Trojan Rabbit and the Trojan Badger smash into the ground where they used to stand]  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Jason:  
[Starts to fade away] Just follow the damn script, all right? I wanna keep this story moving. [Grumbles as he fades away completely]  
  
Narrator:  
[Snorts indignantly] Fine, then. [Clears throat and turns toward the reader] Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights... and reluctantly, the Sailor Senshi as well, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Indignantly] We heard that!!!  
  
{As the Narrator stoically ignored the retort from the Sailor Senshi, he failed to notice the sound of a horse's gallop steadly coming closer toward him.}  
  
Narrator:  
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot- [Ducks]  
  
{As the narrator sucks, the sword whizzes through the air where he used to stand, causing the knight swinging the aforementioned sword to fall off his horse.}  
  
Knight:  
Hey! Aaaah! [Thud] Oww....  
  
Voice:  
Cut! Let's try that again!  
  
-Take two-  
  
{As the Narrator stoically ignored the retort from the Sailor Senshi, he failed to notice the sound of a horse's gallop steadly coming closer toward him.}  
  
Narrator:  
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot-  
  
{This time, the narrator didn't duck, but the knight missed, causing him to topple from his horse once again.}  
  
Knight:  
Waugh! [Thud] Oww... I think I bruised a rib on that one.  
  
Voice:  
Cut! Let's try that again!  
  
-Take three-  
  
{As the Narrator stoically ignored the retort from the Sailor Senshi, he failed to notice the sound of a horse's gallop steadly coming closer toward him.}  
  
Narrator:  
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot-  
  
{This time, the knight swung too early, falling from his horse yet again.}  
  
Knight:  
[Falling toward the narrator] Aaugh!  
  
Narrator:  
[Trying to dive out of the way] Look out!  
  
{The knight crashes on top of the narrator, leaving the two in a painful heap.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Painfully] Oh... my hip....  
  
Knight:  
[Dizzily] But Mommy, I don't want to ride the buffalo again....  
  
Voice:  
Cut! Let's try that again!  
  
Knight/Narrator:  
[Fearfully] NO!!!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{A bunny slowly hops into view.}  
  
Bunny:  
[Politely] Um, excuse me.  
  
Jason:  
Yes?  
  
Bunny:  
I couldn't help but notice that this chapter didn't have any bunnies in it.  
  
Jason:  
But we're in the Omake section now. [Points up] See? And look. There are bunnies plastered all over the place. [Gestures to the readers] Just ask them. [To the readers] You all saw the bunnies, didn't you? You HAD to. There was one in every damn chapter! It's a regular, find-the-bunny mini-game in a fic... thingy! And don't any of you say that there wasn't any bunnies in the Prologue! Ronald the Amazing Dust Bunny counted in his first appearance only. Subsequent appearances do not count toward the running bunny count. Everyone knows that.  
  
Bunny:  
[Sighs] Must you break the fourth wall at every opportunity?  
  
Jason:  
[Shrugs] Sorry. Force of habit.  
  
Bunny:  
[Sighs again] Never mind....  
  
Jason:  
Anyway.... Is there anything else you've got on your mind?  
  
Bunny:  
Well.... [Tilts head inquisitively] Are you insane or something?  
  
Jason:  
[Sweatdrops] .... [Frowns] What do you mean by that?!?  
  
Bunny:  
Well, for one, since when do cats drive?  
  
Jason:  
When I say they do.  
  
{A car suddenly drives by with a familiar white and orange calico cat at the wheel. Suddenly, several voices broke into song.}  
  
Voices:  
[Singing] It's Toonces, the driving cat!  
  
Toonces:  
[While honking the horn] Meow! Meow!  
  
Herbert's father:  
[Suddenly rushing on screen] None of that! We'll have no singing in this omake! [Song and music dies]  
  
{The car with the cat driver drives offscreen. Seeing that there was no longer any sign of a musical number breaking out, Herbert's father calmly left this portion of the Omake.}  
  
Jason:  
[Points] See?  
  
Bunny:  
[Sweatdrops] But that has nothing to do with Sailor Moon or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks as he gestured in the direction Herbert's father departed in] It does now.  
  
Bunny:  
[Sweatdrops] ...you're insane.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] And proud of it.  
  
Bunny:  
[Shakes head] If you're going to write a Sailor Moon/Monty Python and the Holy Grail parody, you have to remember to stick with the two shows you're parodying. A driving cat and Elvis impersonators don't exactly fit into those categories. They don't even make any sense.  
  
Jason:  
[Shrugs] It doesn't have to make sense... and it more than likely won't. [Grins evilly] Not if I have anything to say about it, at least.  
  
Bunny:  
[Flatly] I feel sorry for the readers of this story.  
  
Jason:  
They've been warned. The reading of this story is purely voluntary and any brain damage resulting from reading this story is not the fault of the author.  
  
Bunny:  
[Sweatdrops] Brain damage?  
  
Jason:  
[EVIL grin] Just in case.  
  
Bunny:  
[To the readers] Run everybody! Run for your lives!  
  
Jason:  
[VERY EVIL grin] It's too late for them, for I have already subjected them to my insanity! Mwaaahahahahahaaa! [Ceases insane cackling] Besides, anyone who is still reading at this point has chosen to do so voluntarily, so they continue to read this at their own peril.  
  
Bunny:  
[Shudders] You are truly evil.  
  
Jason:  
[Shakes his head and smiles sweetly] No, just truly demented. You don't want to see me get evil.  
  
Bunny:  
[Shudders again] I hate to ask, but what do you consider... evil?  
  
Jason:  
[Raises a HUGE hypodermic needle] Guess who's due for a flu shot? And I'll give you a hint; she's got pink hair and is currently hiding behind the scale model of the Trojan Rabbit.  
  
{Suddenly, the bunny turns back into the Luna-P ball and floats after its fleeing mistress. After all, those needles were HUGE! She thought the needles that one Droid used in that episode with Nurse Minako were huge, but dammit, this sucker was HUGE! Really HUGE! Really, really HUGE! Super-duper, gosh-darnit, honking HUGE!! All caps, bold, italic, underline in 72 point Times New Roman font viewed at 500% zoom at 800 by 600 screen resolution with your face sitting only two inches away from the screen HUGE!!!}  
  
Jason:  
[Glancing down at the monstrous needle he had just set down since it was too damn heavy to carry for very long] Hmm.... Mayhap it was a tad much, methinks.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{Back with the narrator and Chibiusa....}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Thoughtfully] You know, now that I think about it, I think that "Small_Lady" is kind of a stupid screen name. [Thinks] Hmm.... Hey! What do you think of the name "Pink_Death"?  
  
{The narrator was saved from answering when Chibiusa turned back to play her game. Apparently someone had just challenged her to a one-on-one deathmatch.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Still laughing maniacally] Hahaha!! Gotcha! And again! Haha... HEY! [Laughter cuts off as her player gets killed] What? Again?!? That's it! Now it's time to get serious!  
  
Narrator:  
[Ungodly huge sweatdrops the size of Montana] ....  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Staring at the screen in intense concentration] Hah! Gotcha now, you... ah! No! Oh, I'll GET you for that, you bastard! Yeah! How do ya like that? Huh? Do ya like that? Do ya... GAH! No! Oooh! Now I'm mad!  
  
{The narrator could only stare at the epic ping-pong match of a game Chibiusa was playing with her unknown challenger. First, she had the lead, then the opponent, then her, then the opponent. 5- 3. 5-7. 9-7. 9-12. It was almost like watching two professional tennis players trying for the break point, each vying for the advantage in their virtual deuce. 14-12. 14-16. Back and forth. Recieve, answer. 18-16. 18-19. 19-19.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[REALLY concentrating now] Dammit! This guy's good! No way you're beating me, you bastard! There does not live one who can best Tsukino Chibiusa at Unreal Tournament!  
  
{Her player promptly gets gunned down. She loses, 19-20.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Dropping to her knees, breathing heavily from exertion] Who...? Who was that guy?  
  
{The scene cuts to the next room where the author leans back in his chair at his workstation and grins smugly at the victory screen on the monitor.}  
  
Jason:  
[Smugly] Game, set, and match, O Pink One.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirks back] Remember three months ago when I tricked you into thinking you were drinking some sort of exotic fruit punch, when it was really half orange juice and apple juice and half vodka? [Thoughtful look] As I recall, you really liked it. Really, really liked it.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Frowns] Yeah, so? Nothing happened. [Expression turns wary] Nothing DID happen, right?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirk widens] Well... I did tell you nothing happened. However.... [Trails off meaningfully]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Growing worried] However?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
I lied.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Sweats] So? It's not like you haven't played practical jokes on me before. We all know that.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
But, I also took the liberty of recording what happened. [Gestures toward the camera] Observe this flashback sequence.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Waving his hands desperately] No! No, no!! Not that!!!  
  
{Too late. Flashback time.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Slumping in defeat] Aw, nuts.  
  
{As the flashback rolls, the readers see Ryoku, Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, and Hotaru all in the living room of the house the Outer Senshi lived in during the Stars season (to which the author admits that he hasn't really seen as of yet, but has read numerous fanfiction stories and SM-related websites). At any rate, on the table in the middle of the living room is a bowl full of what appeared to be some sort of mixed fruit punch.}  
  
Ryoku:  
[Walking toward the table and pours himself a drink] So, you really want to try writing a song with all three of us performing as a trio, Haruka-san? [Takes a drink] Sounds interesting.... [Glances down at the glass in his hand] What's this?  
  
Haruka:  
[Grinning] Like it?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Takes another drink, then downs the whole thing] It's pretty good. Nice fruity taste, but there's something else to it that gives it quite an interesting flavor. What kind of fruit is this?  
  
Haruka:  
[Still grinning] Oh, it's an exotic fruit blend. Some papaya, mango, kiwi, and some other fruits I can't think of right now. [Shrugs]  
  
Ryoku:  
Well, whatever it is, it's pretty good. [Pours himself another] Should I pour one for any of you while I'm here?  
  
Michiru:  
[Shakes her head] I'm fine, thank you.  
  
Setsuna:  
[Also shakes her head] I prefer tea, thank you.  
  
Hotaru:  
[Looks up] Can I have one, Ryo-oniichan?  
  
{Haruka started to look nervous for a second, but decided that just one sip wouldn't hurt. Hotaru didn't like the taste of vodka - one time, Hotaru had accidentally took a drink of her screwdriver, thinking it was just regular orange juice, and instantly spit it up - she wouldn't drink any of the spiked juice. She could just pass it off as being too mature for her young taste buds and leave it as that. Better not to tip of Michiru or Setsuna, since neither one could pull a practical joke on Ryoku as well as she could. Not only that, but neither one considered getting the boy extremely drunk off his ass without him knowing it a particularly humorous prank. Well, not everyone had a great sense of humor.}  
  
Ryoku:  
[Handing Hotaru her drink] Here you go. [Turns to Michiru] So, what were we talking about again?  
  
{As Michiru and Ryoku started talking again, the young girl took a sip, grimaced and handed the drink back to him. Ryoku shrugged and set the glass on the table, promptly forgetting about it as he drank a third glass. For a while, the five talked while Ryoku helped himself to the juice. After his ninth glass, Setsuna and Michiru were starting to wonder why Ryoku's speech was becoming slurred. Hotaru had gone into the kitchen, looking for something to drink.}  
  
Michiru:  
[Curiously] Are you all right, Ryo-kun?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Deliberately turning to look at Michiru while blinking] All right? What makes you say that?  
  
{He lifted his glass to take another drink, noticed that it was empty, blinked, stared at the glass for a few moments as if wondering where all the juice had gone, then shrugged as he went to refill his cup. That juice was pretty damn good, whatever fruits it was made out of. Was it starting to get warm in here?}  
  
Setsuna:  
Well, considering that you seem to be having trouble grasping that ladle-  
  
Ryoku:  
[Frowning] It won't sit still.  
  
Setsuna:  
It's an inanimate object.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Indignantly] I don't care how stubborn it is, just tell it to stop moving so I can grab it.  
  
{There was much blinking at that statement.}  
  
Michiru:  
[Folding her arms] All right, Haruka. What's in that fruit punch?  
  
Haruka:  
[Smiling innocently] Various fruit juices, of course.  
  
Michiru:  
[Unconvinced] And?  
  
Haruka:  
[Blinking questioningly] And what?  
  
Setsuna:  
What else was in that punch?  
  
Haruka:  
[Uncomprehendingly] What do you mean?  
  
Ryoku:  
I got it! Where do you keep your hammer? I'm gonna nail that stubborn ladle to the table so that I can pick it up.  
  
{There was even more blinking at that statement.}  
  
Setsuna:  
[Pointed look] Do I really need to explain?  
  
Haruka:  
[Still trying to evade answering the question] It's just orange juice and apple juice....  
  
{Hotaru walks back into the room from the kitchen holding a medium-sized bottle with some clear liquid in it. Hotaru's hand was covering most of the label, but the word 'Vodka' was clearly visible on the label.}  
  
Hotaru:  
[Holding up the bottle] Michiru-mama, this water smells funny and tastes bad.  
  
Michiru:  
[Staring at Haruka with an eyebrow raised] That's not water, Hotaru- chan.  
  
Hotaru:  
What is it, then?  
  
Setsuna:  
[Also staring at Haruka with a flat expression] Just ask Haruka what it is. I'm sure she knows better than we do what it is.  
  
Ryoku:  
I can swear that it's getting warmer in here. Did someone turn on the heater?  
  
Hotaru:  
[Blinking] Ryo-oniichan, it's the middle of summer. It's too hot to turn on the heater.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Nodding] That's what I told them, but they just won't listen to me. [Sighs] Well, I'd get another drink to cool off, but that ladle is playing hard to get, so I'm just going to have to get some water.  
  
{Ryoku turns to leave, heads straight for the closet, opens the door, and walks in, then closes the door behind him. Michiru and Setsuna turn to regard Haruka with a level look.}  
  
Haruka:  
[Laughing sheepishly with one hand behind her head] Okay, so there was a little bit of vodka in there, too.  
  
Setsuna:  
How much was 'a little?'  
  
Ryoku:  
[Singing from inside the closet] 99 bottles of biiru on the wall! 99 bottles of biiru! You take one down, pass it around.... ...um....  
  
{There was silence in the closet for a few moments.}  
  
Yappa pa! Yappa pa! Ii shan ten! Hashagu koi wa ike no koi!  
  
{Everyone outside the closet promptly sweatdropped.}  
  
Haruka:  
[Wanly] Half the bottle.  
  
Michiru:  
[Taking the bottle from Hotaru and examining it] So, twenty fluid ounces, then.  
  
Setsuna:  
[Glancing toward the closet] At that concentration, he's got to be pretty drunk right now.  
  
Michiru:  
[Turning to Haruka and tilting her head inquisitively] Well?  
  
Haruka:  
[Hopefully] Practical joke? [Shrugging, seeing that Michiru wasn't buying it] Well, that and I'm taping the whole thing with a hidden camera. I was going to watch it again later, laugh my ass off, then show it to him and laugh my ass off at his expression when he sees what he did while drunk. Just a harmless little practical joke.  
  
Setsuna:  
[Flatly] We'll talk later. First, we'll attend to Ryo-kun.  
  
{Suddenly, the door to the closet burst open as Ryoku leapt out wearing nothing but his boxers and one of the white tablecloths tied around his neck like a cape. A white kerchief was tied around his head like a cowl and a second one around his face, covering his mouth. To complete the ensemble, a towel was wrapped around his head like a turban. Without a word, he dashed past everyone and ran up the stairs, stopping between floors and posed dramatically.}  
  
Ryoku:  
Appearing in the light of the full moon-  
  
Hotaru:  
[Interrupting] But, it's three in the afternoon!  
  
{Ryoku facefaulted, causing him to tumble down the stairs, and crashed into the wall. Unfazed, he leapt back to his feet and resumed his dramatic pose.}  
  
Ryoku:  
At any rate, the Moonlight Knight stands ready to fight evil once again!  
  
Setsuna:  
[Herding Hotaru toward the stairs] All right, Hotaru-chan. Let's go to your room. I believe there was something you wanted to show me?  
  
Hotaru:  
[Pouting] Aw, but I wanted to watch Ryo-oniichan make an ass out of himself.  
  
{Everyone except Ryoku, who was too busy being drunk, stared at Hotaru.}  
  
Setsuna:  
[Shaking her head] Hotaru-chan, there are some phrases that you shouldn't learn from Haruka. That was one of them.  
  
Hotaru:  
[Blinks, then nods] Yes, Setsuna-mama.  
  
{The two climbed the stairs, passing by the still-posing Ryoku, and headed off to Hotaru's room.}  
  
Haruka:  
[Grinning in amusement] Come on, Michiru! Tell me that's not hilarious!  
  
Michiru:  
[While maintaining a straight face] Normally, it would be. However, getting Ryo-kun drunk to do it isn't really that funny at all.  
  
Haruka:  
[Sighs] Oh, you're no fun.  
  
Ryoku:  
Excuse me, but have you seen my pants?  
  
Michiru:  
[Pointing toward the closet] In there, I believe.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Nodding] Ah. Thank you, milady. Assistance from such a lovely and beautiful lady is much appreciated.  
  
Michiru:  
[Smirking at Haruka] He's charming when drunk, don't you think?  
  
Haruka:  
[Grunting] As long as he doesn't go too far with it.  
  
Michiru:  
[Smirk widens as Ryoku turns to go into the closet] By the way, Ryo- kun has a pretty cute rear-end, don't you think?  
  
Haruka:  
[Chokes in surprise] You're not serious.  
  
Michiru:  
[Raises an eyebrow] You disagree? Should I get a second opinion from Setsuna?  
  
Setsuna:  
[Poking her head out from upstairs] I concur. Ryo-kun has quite the cute rear-end.  
  
Haruka:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
{At this time, Ryoku walked out of the closet wearing his regular clothing again. However, his clothing was not only backwards, but his boxers were now on the outside of his pants.}  
  
Ryoku:  
[Blinking as he stared down at himself] Now, I know I didn't take my boxers off to put on my pants....  
  
Haruka:  
[Laughing] Tell me that that isn't funny!  
  
Ryoku:  
That that isn't funny.  
  
{Haruka paused for a moment, thought about that statement, then started laughing all the more.}  
  
Michiru:  
[Shaking her head] .... [To Ryoku] Do you need any help, Ryo-kun?  
  
Ryoku:  
Actually, yes. Can you please fix my head? [Points to the mirror across the room] I can see myself in the mirror and I don't think my head is screwed on straight.  
  
Haruka:  
[Bursts out laughing again] ....  
  
Michiru:  
[Making an effort not to laugh] Your head is fine, Ryo-kun. Your clothes are on backwards and... well.... [Gestures at his boxers]  
  
Ryoku:  
[Glances down] What? You want me to take off my boxers? I consider you a friend, Michiru-san, but I don't think I'm ready for that, yet.  
  
Haruka:  
[Rolling on the floor, laughing] ....  
  
Michiru:  
[Sweatdrops and sighs] Of course not, Ryo-kun. Perhaps it's best if you lie down and get some rest. You've had a long day-  
  
Ryoku:  
But it's only three in the afternoon.  
  
{Haruka's laughter continued after noticing that some of her hairs were toinging up in exasperation.}  
  
Michiru:  
[Nodding] Yes, but you need some rest. You're completely drunk and not in your right mind.  
  
Ryoku:  
Then, whose right mind am I in?  
  
{Haruka roared with laughter at seeing the elegant Kaiou Michiru, violinist extraordinare, develop a facial tic.}  
  
Michiru:  
Setsuna! Could you come down here, please?  
  
{Setsuna promptly came down the stairs with Hotaru in tow. The young girl was curious as to why Haruka was gasping and turning red like that and wanted to know what the joke was so she could laugh, too.}  
  
Setsuna:  
Yes?  
  
Michiru:  
[Pleading look] Can you handle him? Please?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Blinking up at Setsuna] Say, you go through time on occasion. So, have you ever met the Flinstones? I bet driving those stone cars hurt your feet after a while. Or the Jetsons? Hey, could you bring me back one of those anti-gravity belts?  
  
{This time, Hotaru was the one laughing, while the rest blankly stared at him.}  
  
Setsuna:  
[Nodding] Okay, he's wasted. Time to go to bed, Ryo-kun.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Protesting] But I hardly know you, Setsuna-san! Besides, I have a girlfriend already!  
  
Setsuna:  
[Resisting the urge to facefault] That's not what I mean, Ryo-kun. You're drunk, so you've got to go to bed to sleep it off. I'll let you sleep in my bed.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Hesitantly] All right. Since I'm a guest, I won't refuse your hospitality. Still, don't you think I'm a little too young to be rushing into such things? Not that you're not attractive or anything. [Thwack] ...owie. [Thud]  
  
Haruka:  
[Staring at Setsuna as she stands up] That seemed a bit harsh, Setsuna.  
  
Setsuna:  
He needs some sleep. I just chose to help him fall asleep.  
  
Michiru:  
[Curiously] Tell me, though. How did you make your key staff appear without transforming?  
  
Setsuna:  
[Twirls her staff with a flourish] That's a secret.  
  
{Setsuna twirled her staff again, struck a lamp on accident, braking it, and sheepishly made her staff vanish again.}  
  
Setsuna:  
[Grabbing Ryoku by the shoulders] Haruka, I need you to help me take him to bed.  
  
Haruka:  
[Smirking as she grabs his feet] I thought you weren't trying to sleep with him.  
  
Setsuna:  
[Glaring balefully at Haruka as they go up the stairs to her room] Don't make me kill you, Haruka.  
  
{End flashback.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Whispering to Uranus] Uh-oh....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Whispering back to Knight] I think we're busted....  
  
{Sailor Uranus and Sailor Knight turned around slowly, only to find Sailor Neptune and Sailor Mercury standing behind them with their arms folded and expressions of anger and disappointment mirrored on both their faces.}  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Angrily] Haruka!  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Angrily] Ryoku!  
  
Sailor Neptune/Sailor Mercury:  
[Very angrily] What the hell do you two think you are doing?!?  
  
Sailor Uranus/Sailor Knight:  
[Stammering] Well... um... you see... we, um... well, um....  
  
{With astonishing precision, both Neptune and Mercury grab the arms of their respective significant other simultaneously and started dragging them along with them.}  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Furiously] I can't believe you! You! Of all people! How could you do even think of doing something so... so.... [Shakes her head in frustration] Augh!  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Bows his head, thouroughly henpecked] Yes, Ami-chan. I'm sorry, Ami- chan. It won't happen again, Ami-chan....  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Also furiously] And you were calling Ryo-kun a bad influence. Now look! You've got him flirting with other girls, just like you do! And you think I can't see you?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Penitently] It was all in good fun. We weren't going to actually DO anything. [To Knight] Right, Ryo-kun?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Cutting off Knight before he could answer] Well, seeing how you two seem to like spankings so much, maybe you should be on the receiving end of them.  
  
Sailor Uranus/Sailor Knight:  
[Blinking] Huh?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Grinning maliciously] You two want spankings? We'll give you spankings....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To Uranus] You know, I don't think I like how she trailed off like that....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Nodding as she sees the looks on the other two Senshi's faces] Me, neither, Ryo-kun. Me, neither....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Gestures toward the pot] Would you like something to eat?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Happily] Yes! Thank you very much!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Raspy chuckling] Toad eyes, bat wings and rabbit tails.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. You are.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Backing away] HELL, NO!  
  
Voice:  
Cut! Let's try that again, please.  
  
-Take two-  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Raspy chuckling] Detergent and bleach.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. I'm trying to make my whites whiter with-  
  
Voice:  
Cut! We're not doing a commerical, here.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
What do you call the end of Chapter 8?  
  
Voice:  
That's an infomercial. Completely different.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Folds her arms skeptically] Uh-huh.  
  
Voice:  
Let's just try that again, please.  
  
-Take three-  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Raspy chuckling] Toad eyes, bat wings and rabbit tails.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. I'm making hot dogs.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Pointing] I just KNEW that was what they were putting in those things!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Quietly vomiting off screen] Buuuuuuegh!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighing] Rei-chan, that was what Usagi-chan had for lunch yesterday, remember?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Sheepishly] Oops. Sorry, Usagi.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Buuuuuuuuegh!  
  
Voice:  
Cut! Get Usagi some Pepto and let's try this again, please.  
  
-Take four-  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Raspy chuckling] Sugar, spice, and everything nice.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. [Gesturing toward a nearby shelf] Say, can you hand me some of that cinnamon?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Eagerly] I'll get it! [Reaches for the spice and accidentally knocks over a flask which breaks against the rim of the metal pot, allowing the dark liquid inside to spill into the pot.}  
  
Very Ugly Old Man:  
[Lamenting] Oh no! You broke my flask of Chemical X!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinking] Huh?  
  
{Just as soon as Sailor Moon said 'Huh?', the contents of the metal pot exploded, revealing three very cute little girls with very, VERY big eyes that were the same colors as their clothing. The blonde glanced around, noticed the Sailor Senshi and started to giggle excitedly, while the black-haired girl merely folded her arms in a huff. The red-haired girl with the bow in her hair regarded the scene with some thought, then finally decided to speak.}  
  
Red-haired girl:  
I take it we're not in Townsville, right?  
  
{Everyone nodded slowly, too stunned to say anything.}  
  
Black-haired girl:  
[Irritably] We would have to end up in the wrong series. [Notices the blonde girl's excited giggling] What're you so excited about?  
  
Blonde girl:  
[Pointing excitedly] Look, you guys! It's Sailor Moon! And there's Sailor Mars and Sailor Pluto, too! They look just like they do in the anime! [To Sailor Moon] Your hair is so pretty! I want mine to look like yours when I grow up!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks, then smiles] You like my hair? It takes such a long time to do it up properly and-  
  
Voice:  
Cut! All right, that's enough of that.  
  
Blonde girl:  
[Pouting] But we just got here, and I've always wanted to meet the Sailor Senshi! [Sticks her tongue out at the other two girls] See? I told you they were real!  
  
{The black-haired girl and the red-haired girl finally finished staring at the Sailor Senshi, then exchanged a bewildered look between them.}  
  
Black-haired girl:  
[Staring at the Senshi] I don't know what's scarier: The fact that characters from one of her anime series are real, or the fact that she was actually right about them being real.  
  
Red-haired girl:  
[Nodding slowly] I know what you mean. It's so eerie.  
  
{The Sailor Senshi all exchange glances, wondering if they should point out the 'pot calling the kettle black' situation they had here.}  
  
Voice:  
I said, cut already! We are NOT going any further into this! There are too many anime references in this story as it is without adding this into it!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Calmly] Shall we do another take?  
  
Voice:  
Screw that. We're going on to the next omake.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
So, what have you got to eat, then?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Gets up and walks over to a stove conveniently placed off-screen] Let's see....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Points] Hey! There weren't any stoves in 932 A.D.!  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
And how would you know? Were you alive in 932 A.D.?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
I'm here now.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Nods and points] And there's a stove. Therefore, your information was incorrect, as you can see.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Boggles] ....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs] Just let it go.  
  
{The old man turns down the flames on his gas stove, then turns toward his toaster after a slice of toast had quickly popped up. As he takes a bite of the toast, a ding sound resounds from his microwave, indicating that his bacon has just finished defrosting. After removing the bacon and setting it to fry in his teflon, non-stick skillet, he grabs a couple of eggs, cracks them, and pours them into a food processor. The food processor whirls to life as he turns the machine on, then adds onions, bell peppers, and tomatoes in order to prepare the eggs to make an omelet. The blender next to the food processor already had beaten eggs in it, in case anyone wanted ordinary scrambled eggs instead.}  
  
Very ugly old man:  
I'd offer you some hash browns, but my deep frier is on the blink right now. [Shakes his head] I can never get the stupid thing to work properly anyway....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Boggles even further] ....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shakes her head] Some people just don't know the meaning of the word 'restraint'.  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Restraint? Sounds uncomfortable. Sorry, but I'm not into the kinky stuff. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Finishes boggling, then boggles some more, just to be sure] ....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Scowls] But all the rest have spam in it! I don't want anything that has spam in it.  
  
Very ugly old man:  
Well... spam, bacon, sausage and spam doesn't have that much spam in it.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Insistantly] I don't want any spam.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Why can't you have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
That has spam in it!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Not as much as spam, bacon, sausage and spam.  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs patiently] Look, could I have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sticking out her tongue and grimacing in disgust] Eeeuugh!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Starting to lose her patience] What do you mean, 'eeeuugh'? I don't like spam!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Singing jovially as they eat] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spamity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam! Lovely spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!  
  
{Suddenly, a horde of vikings burst in, grabs everyone's spam, and rushes out of the hut, all the while singing happily.}  
  
Viking horde:  
[Singing happily] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spamity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam! Lovely spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Leaping to her feet and giving chase] Hey! Come back here with my spam! Gimme back my spam, dammit!!!  
  
Viking horde:  
[Singing happily] Spamity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam! Lovely spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs in relief] At least I don't have to worry about spam any more.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Still chasing the Viking horde] Gimme back my spam, or on behalf of the Moon, I'll punish you!!!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Testily] Can't I have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Questioning look] What for?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Getting frustrated] AAAUGH!  
  
Very ugly old man:  
It wouldn't be eggs, bacon, spam and sausage, would it?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Very close to snapping] I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Slowly backing away and the others pretend not to notice Pluto's slow breakdown] Well, why don't we try this. [Takes some green food coloring and mixes it with some scrambled eggs] How about now?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Eyeing the food warily] Just... what is that?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Offering the plate] What else? Green eggs and spam. Want some?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shaking her head] I do not like green eggs and spam. [Pushes the plate away]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Unconvinced] Well, perhaps the presentation is wrong. How about here? [Turns the plate one way] Or there? [Turns the plate another way]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Firmly] I do not like them here or there; I do not like them ANYwhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.  
  
Very ugly old man:  
I have an idea, if you please. [Brings out a block of cheddar cheese] Would you eat them with some cheese?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shaking her head] I do not want them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Would you, could you, eat with Luna? [Holds up her black cat, who is grumbling unhappily]  
  
Luna:  
[Complaining] How'd I get stuck with this cameo bit part? Why couldn't it've been Artemis? I bet he would've loved to do something like this....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Setting down Luna and holding up a thin, cylindrical can] Would you eat them with some tuna?  
  
Luna:  
[Staring with her mouth agape] Usagi-chan, that's MY tuna! Give it back!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
I would not eat them with some tuna, nor would I eat that stuff with Luna. [To Luna] No offense.  
  
Luna:  
[Shaking her head] None taken.  
  
{The black cat then leaped up and snatched the can of tuna out of Sailor Moon's hands, then dashed off with it, lest the author try to incorporate her into the omake any further.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Continuing] I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Pointing outside] Would you eat them on a bus?  
  
{Sailor Pluto glanced over her shoulder to look outside and saw a bus drive by with the words "A Grail?!? Studio Tours" on the side.}  
  
Tour guide:  
[Through a loudspeaker] And to your left, you can see the straw hut where the famous "Scene Twenty-four" was filmed. Please refrain from using any flash photography until we reach the Cave of Caerbannog. Thank you. [Bus drives away]  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Would you eat with that guy, Gus?  
  
Gus:  
[From off screen] Um, that's okay. I just ate. Besides, cameramen usually have to stay behind the camera, you know?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Nodding] I will not eat with that guy, Gus, nor will I eat them on a bus. I will not eat them with some tuna, nor will I eat that stuff with Luna. I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Holding up a plastic combination spoon and fork] Would you eat them with a spork? [Gestures toward the front door] Or, would you eat them with a dork?  
  
Umino:  
[Walking inside] Did someone call my name?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shaking her head] No. No one called you.  
  
Umino:  
[Nodding] I thought so. [Turning to leave] I swear, this has got to be the weirdest dream I've ever been in. I'm usually in shining armor and riding a great black stallion in these types of dreams, not in my regular clothes, or talking with the Sailor Senshi. I'm mean, the Sailor Senshi, in medieval England? This is too strange to be real.... [Trails off as he leaves the hut]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs and stares heavenward] What is this? Cameo Day? Who else is going to show up? Bugs Bunny?  
  
{Suddenly, a hole appears in the floor and a certain animated rabbit pops his head out from underneath the ground.}  
  
Bugs Bunny:  
[Eagerly] Here we are! Pismo Beach and all the clams we can eat! [Pauses as he takes in the scenery] Ehhh.... Somehow, I get the feeling that I'm not in Kansas anymore.... [Brings out a travel map] I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque....  
  
{With a calm aplomb, Sailor Pluto strode over to the cartoon bunny, bent over, and calmly flipped the map right-side up.}  
  
Bugs Bunny:  
[Hits himself in the head in realization] A-ha! So that's why I kept getting lost! And here I thought I was reading a foreign map of some sort. Thanks!  
  
{Bugs leapt into the air, performed a swan dive with a twist and a half- gainer, and dove back into his hole, tunneling his way toward his destination. Sailor Pluto calmly refilled the hole and patted it smooth with her booted foot.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sighs again] I know I asked for it when I opened my mouth. I should know better by now. [Turns toward Sailor Moon] At any rate, I will not eat them with a spork, nor will I eat them with a dork. I will not eat with that guy, Gus, nor will I eat them on a bus. I will not eat them with some tuna, nor will I eat that stuff with Luna. I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Holds up a thin, yellow box with one hand] Would you eat them with some Triscuits? [Holds up a tray in the other hand] Or perhaps, with tea and biscuits?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
The tea is tempting, but.... [Sighs patiently, trying to calm herself, and shakes her head] I will not eat them with some Triscuits, nor will I with some tea and biscuits. I will not eat them with a spork, nor will I eat them with a dork. I will not eat with that guy, Gus, nor will I eat them on a bus. I will not eat them with some tuna, nor will I eat that stuff with Luna. I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
Would you eat them, cooked well done? [Pleadingly] Won't you eat them, just for fun?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Twitches] Fun? You think this... is fun?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Thinks] Um.... Yes?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Twitches again] .... [Grows angry] So be it. I will not eat them just for fun, not even if they're cooked well done. I will not eat them with some Triscuits, nor will I with some tea and biscuits. I will not eat them with a spork, nor will I eat them with a dork. I will not eat with that guy, Gus, nor will I eat them on a bus. I will not eat them with some tuna, nor will I eat that stuff with Luna. I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them ANYWHERE. [Stands up] I WILL NOT eat them if I can.  
  
{She then grabs the plate of green eggs and spam and dumps the food on Sailor Moon's head.}  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Grinning in satisfaction] So, you go eat your eggs and spam.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Wiping the food off of her face and head] You know, somehow I get the feeling that this wasn't the way the rhyme was supposed to end....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
King Arthur:  
[Urgingly] And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[And yet even more raspy laughing] Hahahaha! Hehehehehehehe! Hahahaha! Hehehehe!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Exchanging glances with Sir Bedevere] Where does he live?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Surprise! It's still more of the raspy laughing] Hehehehehehe....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Dryly] He's certainly gotten happy all of a sudden.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Still eating] Is it because of the spam?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Warningly] Don't start, Usagi-chan.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Swallows audibly] Um... right, Setsuna-san.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Urgently] Old man, where does he live?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[And more of the laughing that is raspy] Hahahahaha.... He knows of a cave. A cave of wonders!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Interrupting] Excuse me, but isn't that line from a different movie?  
  
Very ugly old man:  
[Blinking] Huh?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Flatly] Old man, do you realize that if you continue in this manner you might incure the wrath of the Mouse?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Folding her arms] I'm stating, for the record, that I'm involved in this against my will.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Also folding her arms] You're not the only one.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Testily] Oh, would all of you shut up?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
Yes, my liege.  
  
King Arthur:  
Oh, shut up. I didn't mean you.  
  
{Sir Bedevere was silent for many minutes trying to figure out if he meant for him to shut up or not to shut up. That was the question.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Makoto:  
[Glances toward the back of the studio] I see that Hotaru's waving at us. That must mean we have a caller.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Blinks] How can we have a caller? We never gave out our phone number. [Pauses for a moment] We don't even have a phone!  
  
Hotaru:  
[From inside the control booth] Don't ask me, Ryo-oniichan. I barely know how this stuff works.  
  
{Suddenly, all the lights cut off all at once.}  
  
Hotaru:  
[Sheepishly] Oops.  
  
{The lights come back on.}  
  
Makoto:  
I thought that Ami-chan was supposed to be working the control booth?  
  
Hotaru:  
She was, but that was she accidentally dropped her Mercury minicomputer and stepped on it.  
  
Ryoku:  
So, where is she now?  
  
Hotaru:  
[Shrugging] I don't know. Radio Shack, maybe?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Dryly] I doubt Radio Shack has parts for magical devices.  
  
{The scene then cuts to show Ami walking out of Radio Shack with several bags worth of purchases.}  
  
Ami:  
[Grinning eagerly] 80 Gb PCMCIA hard drives, 256 Mb VRAM video cards, 512 Mb DIMM sticks of RAM, 48X DVD-RW drives, Wireless PCMCIA Cable Modem NIC, 128-bit sound cards, USB optical mouse.... Am I forgetting anything?  
  
{The blue-haired girl began to laugh. Not a regular, happy type of laugh, but an insane, mad scientist type of laugh. The type that always seems to send chills up the spines of regular, happy types of people.}  
  
Ami:  
[Grinning madly as she takes out her broken minicomputer and stares feverishly at it] I can make it faster.... Stronger.... I have the power. I have the technology.  
  
{Ami once again began to laugh in a manner that nice, young girls should not laugh in.}  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
We apologize for the return of the faults in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have sacked the people who have sacked the people who have....  
  
Oh, hell with it. Everyone has now just been sacked.  
  
Including me.  
  
The producer, who has also just been sacked, wishes it to be known that although everyone has now been sacked, the remainder of this movie will be completed, even if the job of writing the rest of this movie has to be given to ten monkeys writing on ten typewriters.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
{The scene changes to a room with ten winged monkeys typing furiously at ten typewriters.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Voice-over] And so, even though I have been sacked, the story continues.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{AO;-)Ssd KJionandg AWrrthkuar abjndas rtyhe SAsaiiiol,;ore ASwermnsahi rewoisdew thhrehw rerthew ffsoerewast....}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{In the middle of the room, an old woman with sickly colored skin - almost green in color - and dressed in a black dress with a black pointed hat, cackled as she directed the winged monkeys in their frenzied typing.  
  
Old woman:  
[Cackling] Type, my pretties! Type! Eeheheheheheee!  
  
{In the background, as the winged monkeys type, an orchestra began to play a vaguely familiar theme with the string section prominently playing the melody. The music began to accelerate as the monkeys continued to type, going faster and faster. From out of seemingly nowhere, the old woman brought out a crystal ball and began to wave her hands over it. The image of Sailor Moon and the other Sailor Senshi appeared within the ball.}  
  
Old woman:  
[Still cackling] I'll get you, my little Moon Princess, and your little cat, too! Eeeeheheheheeeee! [Thud]  
  
{The music and the old woman's cackling cut off abruptly as a port-a-potty suddenly crashed down upon the woman. She stood back up, dazed and confused, only to have a hot dog stand crash down on top of her. Followed by a park bench, a park fountain, a mailbox, a plastic statue of the Hamburgler, and a Ford Pinto, which miraculously crashed head-first into the pile and stuck. Amazingly enough, the old woman survived the whole mess and managed to crawl out from underneath it all.}  
  
Old woman:  
[Hobbling in pain as the winged monkeys continued to type, ignoring everything] Things like this never happened back in Oz....  
  
{The old woman straightened and glanced up, just in time to see a pigeon fly overhead. This gave her cause for alarm for three reasons. One, the wrecked car in that pile behind her was a Ford Pinto and its tail was sticking straight up in the air. Two, the pigeon was heading straight for the car. And three, she had noticed that the car in question had just recently been through a car wash. And everyone knows what happens when you get a pigeon near a freshly-washed car.}  
  
Old woman:  
[Bringing out a broom and waving it at the pigeon] Shoo! Shoo!! SHOO!!!  
  
{Drop. Splat. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!}  
  
Old woman:  
[Coughing while slighly charred] Well... that wasn't so bad. [Cackles in spite of third degree burns] Eeeheheheheee!  
  
{The old woman cackled madly as the singed winged monkeys STILL continued to type away, regardless of whether all of the paper had burned away or not, as they were too stupid to notice anyway. Suddenly, and with a bit of an anticlimatic flair, a section of a plush apartment complex suddenly crashed upon the hapless old woman.}  
  
Old woman:  
[While being flattened] Urk!  
  
{The occupant of said apartment quickly exited the apartment to see what the hell had happened. Upon exiting, the occupant of the suddenly relocated apartment took in the radically different scenery, the legs of the old woman sticking out from underneath the uprooted section of the apartment complex, and the winged monkeys, still typing and seemingly oblivious to anything else... and sweatdropped. As the poor soul was taking all this in, the shoes from the old woman vanished, only to reappear upon the feet of the confused, and now mortified, owner of the apartment that had dropped upon the shoes' previous owner.}  
  
Mamoru:  
[Trying to pry the Ruby Slippers off of his feet] Dammit, I said I was on vacation! Can't you leave me alone for just one story? And get these shoes off of me! These are women's shoes, dammit! How am I supposed to look properly handsome and bishounen if I'm wearing ladies' shoes?!?  
  
{Behind Mamoru, a white cat slowly padded out of the apartment where he thought he would be safe from the madness of this story's author. Oh, how wrong he was.}  
  
Artemis:  
[Blinking at seeing Mamoru in a pair of red, sequin-studded slippers surrounded my a horde of winged monkeys mindlessly slaving away at typewriters, and sweatdropped profusely] Looks like we're not in Tokyo anymore, Mamoru-san.  
  
{And thus, the white feline demonstrated his phenomenal gift for the understatment.}  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
On second thought, nix the monkeys. Perhaps if we used ten bunnies....  
  
*WHAM! X 1,000*  
  
.............. .............. .............. .............. .............. ..............  
  
(Do you think he's dead?)  
  
*twitches*  
  
{No, but close enough.}  
  
(But, he'll recover and the author will continue with the omake!)  
  
{Not our concern. Besides, this guy's just the subtitler. Not his fault.}  
  
(Oh. Okay, then)  
  
...medic....  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Man:  
[Turns to leave] Just try to keep the fiction as fiction, all right? We don't want another EVA or Gundam or Labor or any other large mecha wrecking the place like last time. You're lucky we let you use your reality-warping laptop in the shop, anyway.  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs] Yeah, yeah, I know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a Rabbit to catch.  
  
Man:  
[Watches as Jason locks his laptop and chases after Chibiusa] At least it's not Pokémon again.  
  
Jason:  
[Walks back in] I got her!  
  
Man:  
[Blinking] That was quick. How'd you catch her so fast?  
  
{The author grinned as he displayed a familiar red and white sphere.}  
  
Jason:  
[Smugly] With this.  
  
Man:  
[Groaning with his face in his hands] Oh, no. Not THAT again.  
  
Jason:  
[Nodding with a wicked grin] Afraid so. [Throws the ball] Chibimoon! I choose you!  
  
{The Pokéball bounces on the ground, then pops open, depositing the poor Sailor Senshi-in-training in full Senshi mode on the floor.}  
  
Sailor Chibimoon:  
[Standing up and rubbing her behind gingerly] Ouch.... Hey! This isn't fair, Jason-san! I don't wanna be a Pokémon!  
  
Man:  
....  
  
Jason:  
Stop wining! You say you're a Senshi-in-training? Then, it's time for training. [Points dramatically] Chibimoon! Pink Sugar Attack, now!  
  
Man:  
[Sweatdrops as he watches Sailor Chibimoon perform a Pink Sugar Heart Attack which only travels five feet before making a 90 degree drop straight for the floor] Well, I can see that you're pretty busy, so I'll just leave you to your work....  
  
Jason:  
[Throws his hands into the air in exasperation] Aaagh! It'll take forever for you to gain a level, Chibimoon! You'll never evolve to Sailor Senshi at this rate!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Head Knight:  
[Nods in satisfaction] Good. [Turns to the others] The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Reverent] Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.  
  
Head Knight:  
Ni!  
  
Random knights:  
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Wincing] Ow! Ow! Aagh!  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars/Pluto:  
[Blinks and sweatdrops] ....  
  
Head Knight:  
We shall say 'Ni' again to you if you do not appease us.  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Knights] Well, what is it you want?  
  
Head Knight:  
We want... [Dramatic pause] ...a rubber duckie! [Dramatic chord]  
  
Random knights:  
A duckie! A duckie! Ni! Ni!  
  
Knights/Senshi:  
[Blinking] A what???  
  
Sailor Moon:  
But, you don't have a bathtub.  
  
Head Knight:  
[Straightening in realization] Oh, that's right! In that case, we shall demand a different sacrifice. We want... [Dramatic pause] ...a Chia Pet! [Dramatic chord]  
  
Random knights:  
A Chia Pet! A Chia Pet! Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!  
  
Head knight:  
[To the other knights] Shh!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
Sorry, but the Chia Pet won't exist until the late Twentieth Century.  
  
Head knight:  
[Sighs] Oh, bother. Well then, we shall demand a different sacrifice.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Deadpan] Oh, joy.  
  
Head knight:  
We want... [Dramatic pause] ...a diet soda! [Dramatic chord]  
  
Knights/Senshi:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Random knights:  
Diet soda! Diet soda! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!  
  
King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:  
[Cringing] Ow! Oh!  
  
Sailor Moon/Mars/Pluto:  
[Exchanging glances] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Begging] Please! Please! No more! We will find you a diet soda!  
  
Head Knight:  
One that tastes good.  
  
King Arthur:  
Of course.  
  
Head Knight:  
And not too much sugar.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Patiently] Yes.  
  
Head Knight:  
And....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Cuts him off] Don't push it. [Mutters] I still don't see what's so great about diet soda. It still tastes like fake soda to me. And no matter how hard they try, they'll never, ever get Diet Dr. Pepper to taste like regular Dr. Pepper.  
  
Head Knight:  
[Continues as if he was never interrupted and points] Now... go!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Narrator:  
[Lifts her head to look at him] Um, can I go now?  
  
Jason:  
[Stops typing and turns to look at her] I'm still upset at you for what you and Chibiusa did last chapter, you know.  
  
Narrator:  
[Winces] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Leans back in his chair] I was almost finished and would've dismissed you in a couple of minutes before you interrupted me.  
  
Narrator:  
[Winces harder] ....  
  
Jason:  
[Grins wickedly] But, I can tell you're in a hurry, so I'll tell you what. I'll be more than happy to let you be on your way.  
  
Narrator:  
[Looks relieved] Really?  
  
{As the author nods, a long red rope suddenly drops from the ceiling to hang a short distance to the author's right. The narrator's eyes widen tremendously as soon as she sees the rope.}  
  
Jason:  
[Smirks as he reaches for the rope] I take it you recognize this rope.  
  
Narrator:  
[Nods timidly] ....  
  
Jason:  
Then, you know what's going to happen next?  
  
Narrator:  
[Nods] I've seen Excel Saga. [Begs] Please, not the Pit!  
  
Jason:  
But, I thought you wanted to leave. I'm just going to help you leave this room as quickly as possible. [Tugs on rope]  
  
Narrator:  
[Cringes] NO!!!  
  
{Suddenly, a large bathtub drops from the ceiling and clobbers the narrator, much to the author's surprise.}  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks as he releases the rope] Oops. Wrong rope.  
  
-Take two-  
  
Jason:  
Then, you know what's going to happen next?  
  
Narrator:  
[Nods] I've seen Excel Saga. [Begs] Please, not the Pit!  
  
Jason:  
But, I thought you wanted to leave. I'm just going to help you leave this room as quickly as possible. [Tugs on rope]  
  
Narrator:  
[Cringes] NO!!!  
  
{Suddenly, a huge boxing glove shoots out from out of nowhere and smashes the narrator square in the face.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Dazedly] Ooooh.... Lookit all the pretty birdies! [Thud]  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks as he releases the rope] Oops. This's the wrong one, too. My bad.  
  
-Take three-  
  
Jason:  
Then, you know what's going to happen next?  
  
Narrator:  
[Pleadingly] Please, can't I just have the Pit this time? I don't wanna get whammied again.  
  
Jason:  
[Considers] Well... all right. [Pulls on rope]  
  
{Suddenly, a trap door opens underneath the narrator, causing her to plummet down into the dark depths below.  
  
Narrator:  
[While falling down the Pit and speaking in a rapid-fire Excel-esque manner] Oh, thank you so much, and I am so, so grateful that after so much pain and suffering on my part with the tub and the boxing glove, that you would look past all the insanity and disappointment in me and choose to grant me this relief from being inflicted with so much random slapstick humor, and right now I am noticing that this Pit really is quite long and dark and scary, so I am starting to wonder if I'll ever reach the bottom of the Pit before I either hit bottom or run out of breath, whichever one first, and come to think of it, I really, really do hope that there's some water at the bottom of this Pit, or else I'm gonna hit and go splat all over the place, which doesn't really strike me as being a very pleasant feeling, so I hope that there is at least enough water to allow me some reasonable chance at survival, and would you look at that, there IS water down th- [Splash]  
  
Jason:  
[Lowering a police speed radar thingy] 93 words per minute. I'll have to write her a ticket for speeding.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{As the two Sailor Senshi continued to follow Launcelot, a strange noise began to approach the group from overhead. As one, the four all looked up to see a young woman hurtling down toward them.}  
  
Narrator:  
...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Blinking] Minako-chan, isn't that the narrator up there?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] I think so. Looks like she's about to crash land into the river.  
  
Narrator:  
[Still falling] ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Raises a scorecard that says '7.95'] Not bad.  
  
Launcelot:  
[Raises a scorecard that says '8.50'] Nice distance.  
  
Concorde:  
[Raises a scorecard that says '9.00'] Nice splash.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Raises a scorecard that shows a picture of a smiley-face] I lost all my other scorecards.  
  
Narrator:  
[Stands up in the river, extremely dazed] I'm... all right.... Really.... [Spots the scorecards] Oh, you like me! You really like me! [Falls back down, unconscious]  
  
{The two Sailor Senshi quickly grabbed the unconscious narrator, stood her up while Sir Launcelot pronounced her the winner - no surprise, since she was the only participant - and Concorde presented her with a first-place medal, then dropped her right back into the river, waking her up again.}  
  
Narrator:  
[Face down in the river] I'bb albb brigghb. Bbreebry.  
  
Subtitle:  
I'm all right. Really.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{Mad cackling ensued as Launcelot continued to hack and slash, racking up an impressive body count... for the Dark Ages, that is.}  
  
Jason:  
[Counting off screen as the Dramatic Fight Sequence Music® continued to play] Servant: 100 points. Wedding guest: 150 points. Another servant: 100 points. Guard: 300 points. Another servant: 100- no, 200 points; he got two of 'em. Ooh, three wedding guests: 450 points! [Shouts] Hey, Launcelot! 5000 more points and you get a level-up!  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[While running up the stairs] Oh, well, that's very kind of you. [Stabs two more servants]  
  
{Suddenly, Launcelot bursts into the main hall where Princess Lucky was sitting, preparing for the wedding.}  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Ha ha! [Kicks a couple of servants]  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Hey! No experience points for kicking, Launcelot!  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Pauses for a moment] Oh, bother. Well, can I maim them, anyway?  
  
Jason:  
[Considers off screen] No, you have to move on.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Droops] Oh. [Shrugs] Well, all right. [Chops an elderly servant] Ha ha!  
  
Jason:  
[Grins off screen at the mayhem] Ahahaha! Mayhem! Mayhem!!! [Cackles wickedly]  
  
{Launcelot runs toward the stairs leading toward the Tall Tower, pausing only to chop a bouquet of flowers in half.}  
  
Jason:  
[Considering off screen] Hmm.... Bouquet: 10 points.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Grins] Well, thank you, sir.  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Continue.  
  
{Launcelot runs up the spiral staircase leading up to the top of the Tall Tower. Once he bursts into the room, the first guard points toward him and tries to remember his orders while Launcelot runs the other guard through, permanently curing him of his hiccups.}  
  
Guard 1:  
[Pointing while thinking] Now, you're not allowed to enter the room- [Gets stabbed] Aaugh! [Dies]  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] All right, cue the stage boss!  
  
{A HUGE bulk of a man stomped into the room, wielding a gigantic axe large enough to make Launcelot's sword look like a metal toothpick in comparison.}  
  
Jason:  
[Off screen] Beat this guy and you gain enough experience points to gain a level. Have fun. Don't get slaughtered.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Faintly as he eyes the monstrous axe] Oh. How nice. [Sweatdrops]  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{Meanwhile, Launcelot finally started his descent, hurtling down toward the ground. Fortunately, there were several pools of water scattered about the area, giving the knight a fair chance of landing in one. All he had to do was avoid the bamboo poles seemingly scattered everywhere, almost one in each pool.}  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]  
  
{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}  
  
Guide:  
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!  
  
{Unfortunately for Sir Launcelot, the Guide also knew which pool the hapless knight landed in.}  
  
Guide:  
[Dragging out a now young, female knight] Aiyaa! Very bad, sir, you fall in spring. This spring is the Spring of Drowned Girl. Very tragic story of young girl that fell in spring 2000 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of young girl.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Staring down at... her chest] Huh...? [Screams in horror] What in the bloody hell happened to me?!?  
  
Voice:  
Cut! You dummy! You fell in the wrong spring! [Aside] Hey! Somebody get Ishi-san on speakerphone! [Short pause accompanied by a phone ringing]  
  
Ishi-san:  
[Cheerily] Great Will of the Macrocosm speaking. How can I help you?  
  
Voice:  
Ishi-san? Can I get a quick omake reset? Launcelot-baka got himself cursed.  
  
Ishi-san:  
[Still cheerily] All right! One reset, coming up! Here we go!  
  
{Reseting reality....}  
  
-Take two-  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]  
  
{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}  
  
Guide:  
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!  
  
{Unfortunately for Sir Launcelot, the Guide also knew which pool the hapless knight landed in.}  
  
Guide:  
[Dragging out a now small, black piglet] Aiyaa! Very bad, sir, you fall in spring. This spring is the Spring of Drowned Black Piglet. Very tragic story of small, black piglet that fell in spring 1500 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of small, black piglet.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Almost hysterical] Bweee!!! Bwee, buki, bwee, bweeee!!!  
  
Voice:  
Cut! Idiot! You fell in the wrong spring again! [Aside] Hey! Somebody get Ishi-san again! [Short pause as someone hits the redial button on the speakerphone]  
  
Ishi-san:  
[Cheerily] Great Will of the Macrocosm speaking. How can I help you?  
  
Voice:  
Ishi-san? The idiot got himself cursed again.  
  
Ishi-san:  
[Surprised] Again? [Cheery again] All right, then! Another reset, coming up! Here we go!  
  
{Reseting reality... again....}  
  
-Take three-  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]  
  
{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}  
  
Guide:  
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!  
  
{Unfortunately for Sir Launcelot, the Guide also knew which pool the hapless knight landed in.}  
  
Guide:  
[Dragging out a now tiny, skinny dog] Aiyaa! Very bad, sir, you fall in spring. This spring is the Spring of Drowned Chihuahua. Very tragic story of tiny, skinny dog that fell in spring 1750 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of tiny, skinny dog.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Turning to look at the readers] ¿Yo quiero Taco Bell?  
  
Guide:  
For some strange reason, they also speak in Spanish, too.  
  
Voice:  
Cut! Incompetent! You can't even hit the broad side of Montana! [Aside] Hey! Get Ishi-san again! Speed dial #3! [Short pause accompanied by a phone ringing]  
  
Ishi-san:  
[Cheerily] Great Will of the Macrocosm speaking. How can I help you?  
  
Voice:  
Ishi-san?  
  
Ishi-san:  
[Flatly] Again?  
  
Voice:  
[Sighs] Yes. Again.  
  
Ishi-san:  
[Sighs again] And just when things were getting good over here.  
  
{In the background, a distinctive cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" could be heard on Ishi-san's end.}  
  
Ishi-san:  
[Resigned sigh] All right, then. Here we go!  
  
{Again with the reseting of reality....}  
  
-Take four-  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]  
  
{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}  
  
Guide:  
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!  
  
{Unfortunately for Sir Launcelot, the Guide also knew which pool the hapless knight landed in.}  
  
Guide:  
[Dragging out a now brown, furry... something] Aiyaa! Very bad, sir, you fall in spring. This spring is the Spring of Drowned....  
  
{The guide pauses as he squints at the sign, then takes out a small book out of his trouser pocket titled 'Guide to Cursed Springs, Pocket Edition', cross-checks the sign with the book, then nods, albeit unsurely.}  
  
Guide:  
[Unsurely] Well... if that what book say, then that what book say. Sir, sign say you fall in Spring of Drowned Snuffleuppagus. Very tragic story of huge, brown, furry elephant-type thing that fell in spring 2750 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of.... [Gestures toward him] Well, you can see for yourself.  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Dismally] Oh, dear....  
  
Voice:  
CUT!!! This is beyond stupidity! [Throws his hands into the air in frustration] I can't work like this. Just skip to the next omake already!  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Dismally while trying to walk, furry trunk swaying in the air] Oh, dear....  
  
{A sign appears with the words "This omake was brought to you by the letter Q. -Jason" on it.}  
  
Voice:  
SHUT UP!!!  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Roger:  
Ah, you want to pass through the woods, do you?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Curiously] How do you know that?  
  
Roger:  
[Matter-of-factly] Because I am a shrubber.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Nods] Ah! It makes perfect sense.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ...figures.  
  
{The scene shifts to show the author typing at his laptop. Suddenly, the author stands up and gestures toward someone off screen. Chibiusa and the narrator soon walk on screen.}  
  
Jason:  
[Urgently] The time has come. You know what to do?  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Nods] Yes.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods back, then points dramatically] Quickly, to the Reality Control Mechanism!  
  
{Chibiusa and the narrator quickly follow the author through the nearby door into a control room not unlike that seen from a certain Mel Brooks movie. The two girls soon noticed that not only did the author's attire change, but theirs did, too. Chibiusa had on a business suit cut for a girl her size and stature, but for some reason, she also had a moustache on her face, too. A fake one, of course. The narrator had on what seemed to be a sort of futuristic military officer's uniform. Both were standing behind the author, who was dressed in a cheap knockoff of a Star Wars' Darth Vader outfit, complete with an oversized helmet.}  
  
Jason:  
[Muffled voice] Purrprrr tur murr thr Rrrarritur Currtur Murcurnursur!  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
[Blinking] What?  
  
{The author raised the facemask of his helmet.}  
  
Jason:  
[Loudly] Prepare to man the Reality Control Mechanism!  
  
Chibiusa/Narrator:  
Right!  
  
{The two rush to man two separate controlling stations while the author strides toward the camera.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
Reality Control Mechanism set, sir.  
  
Narrator:  
The fanfic is ready to be fast-forwarded, sir.  
  
{The narrator confirms her statement as she raises a fancy remote control, while Chibiusa presses a button that reveals a monitor displaying the fanfic as it was happening.}  
  
Jason:  
[Nodding] Right. Prepare to fast-forward!  
  
Narrator:  
[Raising her remote control] Preparing to fast-forward!  
  
Jason:  
Fast-forward!  
  
Narrator:  
[Pressing the fast-forward button] Fast-forwarding!  
  
{The scene on the monitor suddenly surges forward in a manner similar to a VCR fast-forwarding a video tape, right down to the horizontal bars that always accompanies a VCR tape being fast- forwarded. This continues until the end credits start to roll down the screen.}  
  
Jason:  
[Raising a hand] Wait. I think you passed it. Go back a bit.  
  
Narrator:  
[Raising her remote control] Preparing to-  
  
Jason:  
Just do it.  
  
Narrator:  
[Sweatdrops] All right.  
  
{The scene settled on a scene of them, shot from behind. The author blinked, then raised a hand, groaning inwardly as the figure on the monitor raised his hand at virtually the same time as he did.}  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Glancing back at the camera] What's going on? Where's the fanfic?  
  
Jason:  
[Dryly] Oh, it's there all right. What we're watching is now.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Confused] Is now, what?  
  
Jason:  
Right now. The actions that are happening at this point in time are playing out right now on the monitor.  
  
Narrator:  
[Waving while watching the monitor and watching herself wave at herself] So, what we are watching... is 'now'.  
  
Jason:  
[Nods] Correct.  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Blinking] Okay....  
  
Jason:  
[Sighs] Look, just rewind a bit more and we'll be right where we want to be. All right?  
  
Chibiusa:  
[Doubtfully] All right, I guess....  
  
Jason:  
Prepare to rewind!  
  
Narrator:  
[Raising the remote control] Preparing to rewind!  
  
Jason:  
Rewind the fanfiction!  
  
Narrator:  
[Pressing the rewind button] Rewinding the fanfiction!  
  
{The fanfic rewound until the author signaled a stop. The scene finally settled on the Knights and the Sailor Senshi returning to the forest of the Knights Who Say 'Ni', and relieved sighs were heard throughout the control room.}  
  
Jason:  
[Grumbles as he takes off his helmet] That's it. Next time, I'm getting my fanfics on DVD instead of video.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Head Knight:  
[Interrupts] But, there is one small problem.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] What is that?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
Another random knight:  
Shh!  
  
Head Knight:  
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say 'Zoinks!'.  
  
Random knights:  
Zoinks! Zoinks! Ni! Zoinks!  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Questioningly] Zoinks?  
  
Head Knight:  
Yes. Do you like it?  
  
Voice:  
Cut! No, I think we'll try something else.  
  
-Take two-  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
Another random knight:  
Shh!  
  
Head Knight:  
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say... 'Alussirsaiswatt?'.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinks] What?  
  
{Suddenly, the Knights Who Say 'Alussirsaiswatt' and the Sailor Senshi broke into snickers and muffled laughter.}  
  
A random knight:  
[Snickering] He fell for it!  
  
Another random knight:  
[Muffled laughter] He said 'what'! Ni!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Laughing] That's... gotta be the... hahaha... oldest joke in the... hehehee... book!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Snickering] I can attest to that.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Also laughing] I can't believe... hahaha... he fell for something THAT obvious! Hahaha!!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinking] What?  
  
{This time, even Sir Bevedere began to laugh.}  
  
Sir Bevedere:  
[Trying to stifle his laughter] I'm sorry... my liege, but I... just can't help myself. Hahaha!  
  
King Arthur:  
[Sighing] I just don't get it.  
  
Voice:  
Cut! Sorry, but that joke's already worn thin. Try something else.  
  
-Take three-  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
Another random knight:  
Shh!  
  
Head Knight:  
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say... 'Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah-ting-tang-walla-walla- bing-bang'.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Singing along] Ooh-eeeeeee-ooh-ah-ah! Ting-tang-walla-walla-bing- bang!  
  
Herbert's father:  
[Suddenly appearing out of nowhere again] Stop that! Stop that! I thought I told all of you, NO SINGING!!! [Departs again]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Pouting] Killjoy.  
  
Voice:  
Cut! That ain't gonna happen. Something else. Now.  
  
-Take four-  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.  
  
A random knight:  
Ni!  
  
Another random knight:  
Shh!  
  
Head Knight:  
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say... '*CENSORED*'.  
  
Random knights:  
*CENSORED*! *CENSORED*! *CENSORED*! Ni!  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Boggling] ....  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Blinking] Excuse me, but I thought you weren't allowed to say '*CENSORED*'?  
  
Head Knight:  
[Conspiritorally] Actually, we're doing this to annoy the *CENSORED* out of the author. We figure if we say *CENSORED*, *CENSORED*, or Holy-*CENSORED*-on-Stick, then the author's surely going to have kitten fits trying to clean this up.  
  
Random knights:  
*CENSORED*! *CENSORED*! Ni!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Covering her ears] Ah! My poor virgin ears!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Also covering her ears] Ack! I'm being audibly violated!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shrugging] Well, *CENSORED*.  
  
King Arthur:  
*CENSORED* this. Can we just move on with this *CENSORED* story already? *CENSORED*!  
  
Voice:  
CUT!!! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!!! Quit cursing, you *CENSORED* idiots!!!  
  
Everyone else:  
Ah, go *CENSORED* off!  
  
Voice:  
[Grumbles] Oh, *CENSORED* it. Let's just move on to the next omake.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[To Tim] So, you're an enchanter? What does an enchanter do anyway?  
  
Tim:  
[Conspiritorily] Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm not really an enchanter anymore. After all, enchanters can't do those really cool things like cast fireballs or teleport.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Surprised] You're not an enchanter?  
  
Tim:  
Oh, I'm still a licensed enchanter.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinking] They have licenses for that?  
  
Tim:  
[Nods] Oh, yes. They have licenses for everything these days.  
  
Sailor Senshi/Knights:  
....  
  
Tim:  
[Reaches into his robes and pulls out a wallet] Here. Let me show you. [Pulls out a card] Hmm... hunting license. [Pulls out another card] Fishing license. [Another card] Driver's license. [Another card] License to throw fireballs. [Another card] License to speak in a Scottish accent. [Another card] Dog license. [Pauses] Don't ask. You're better off not knowing. [Another card] Ah! Here we are! [Hands over the card to Sailor Knight]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Reading the card] Tim. Order of the Fire Element. Enchanter, 2nd class. License expires on the 19th of June, 2044.  
  
Tim:  
[Nods as he takes back his license] See? I'm still a licensed enchanter.  
  
{The Sailor Senshi merely nod as they sweatdrop profusely.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
King Arthur:  
[After glaring at Sailor Uranus] Uh, so... uh, anything that you could do to, uh... to help... would be... very... helpful.  
  
Tim:  
[Still staring] ....  
  
Sailor Knight:  
I don't think he's interested. [Folds his arms angrily] Look, are you sure he's the one we're supposed to be looking for?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Nods] Quite sure.  
  
{Tim slowly raises his hand a waves it at the group.}  
  
Tim:  
[Deliberately] This isn't the droid you're looking for.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blinks] But we're not looking for a droid.  
  
Tim:  
.... [Waves his hand again] This isn't the enchanter you're looking for.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Turning to Sailor Knight] This isn't the enchanter we're looking for.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Blinking] Huh?  
  
Tim:  
[Deliberately] He is free to go about his business.  
  
King Arthur:  
He's free to go about his business.  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Even more blinking] What are you talking about?  
  
Tim:  
[Deliberately] Move along.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Waving Tim away] Move along.  
  
Tim:  
[Nodding and grinning] Thank you, King Arthur. I shall take my leave of you, then. [To himself] At least I won't have to get mixed up in that silly business.... [Walks away]  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Shakes his head] Of course, the idiot king just had to be simple- minded, too. [Glares heavenward] Dammit, Jason-san! No more Star Wars references!!!  
  
{A sign appears with the words "Killjoy. -Jason" on it.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
King Arthur:  
[Still slightly spooked by the fireball] Right. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but... uh, I don't suppose you could... uh, tell us where we might find a, um... find a, uh... a, um... a, uh....  
  
Tim:  
[Deliberately] A what?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Stuttering] A g- a-a g- a g- a-a g--  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Frustrated] SPIT IT OUT!!!  
  
Tim:  
A grail?!?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Unenthusiastically] Everyone, look! It's the name of the story!  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Deadpan] Yay.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Dryly] Well, you don't have to be so sarcastic about it.  
  
Tim:  
Yes!  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Tim] Oh, who asked you?  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Tim:  
He's got huge.... [Starts miming fangs with his hand] ...eh, he can leap about.... [Stretches his hands apart about two feet or so] Look at the bones!!! [Flings a hand toward all the bones strewn in front of the cave entrance]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Quietly] Maybe we shouldn't take his warning so lightly.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Blinking in surprise] You actually believe him, Setsuna?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Sagely] Even if it is just an inane fantasy, there is still no reason to relax our guard.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Deridingly] What, for a white, fluffy bunny?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Gestures] There ARE bones out there. [To Mercury] Ami-chan?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Staring out at the bones] Well... some of the bones look human, and some equine....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Blinking] Equ-what?  
  
Sailor Knight:  
Horse.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Oh.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
So, you think there is something there that did all that?  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Nodding confirmation] Whether it is, in fact, the rabbit remains to be seen.  
  
King Arthur:  
I still think it's preposterous. [To one of the nameless Knights] Go on, Bors. Chop his head off.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Pleadingly] Please! Is that really necessary? It's just a defenseless little bunny!  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Putting on his helmet] Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!  
  
{Bors strode past the Knights and Senshi as he stepped over the rocks and advanced, his sword out and ready.}  
  
Tim:  
Look! [Pointing]  
  
Killer Rabbit:  
Squeak! [Pounces]  
  
{The rabbit leaped at Bors' neck in order to savagely bite into it. However, Bors - after sneaking a peek at the script beforehand and deciding that a death similar to that of a Star Trek red shirt left much to be desired - dodged the expected attack and lopped off the rabbit's head as it passed by him.}  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Grunting in satisfaction] Heh. Give me a one-line part, will you? That'll teach you.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Giving Tim a condescending look] That was the vicious beast? It couldn't even scratch Bors.  
  
Tim:  
[Flummoxed] I don't understand.... I know that was the killer rabbit. He wasn't supposed to die that easily....  
  
{Bors was about to head back toward the others when a shrill, high-pitched voice cut through the air.}  
  
Voice:  
Father!  
  
{Everyone turned to see a slightly larger rabbit hop toward the slain rabbit and nuzzle him with his nose. Noticing that he was dead, he turned toward the others with glowing red eyes.}  
  
Rabbit:  
[Furiously] Who did this?  
  
{Everyone quickly pointed at Bors.}  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Casually] Your old man was about to rip my throat out. No way I'm about to let anyone rip my throat out without my permission.  
  
{There was much blinking at that statement.}  
  
Rabbit:  
[Coldly] You. You wouldn't happen to have five fingers, would you?  
  
{There was much blinking at that statement, too.}  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Questioningly] What do you mean?  
  
Rabbit:  
[Quietly] My mother was killed by a man with five fingers. I swore that one day, if I ever met a man with five fingers, I would go up to him and say, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my mother. Prepare to die."  
  
{The world paused as the Knights, the Sailor Senshi, the servants, the author, Chibiusa, the narrator, the reader, and everyone else all did one simultaneous blink. The mass sweatdrop was soon to follow.}  
  
Sir Bors:  
I imagine that you must say that a lot.  
  
Rabbit:  
[Rolling his eyes] You have no idea.  
  
Sir Bors:  
Um... I don't know how to tell you this, but all of us here happen to have five fingers.  
  
Rabbit:  
[Quickly] On each hand?  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Nodding] Afraid so.  
  
Rabbit:  
[Sighs] Well, I can't just go and kill all of you, now can I?  
  
Knights/Senshi:  
[Shaking their heads] ....  
  
Rabbit:  
[Sighs again] ...all right. Tell you what. You killed my father, so how about we just stick with that instead?  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Shrugs] Fine by me. [Draws his sword]  
  
{The rabbit hops over to one of the skeletons of a fallen knight and picks up the knight's sword.}  
  
Rabbit:  
[Standing on his hind legs] Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Getting into a ready stance] You know, your name sounds like that of a Spaniard.  
  
Rabbit:  
[Also getting ready] I am a Spaniard. I'm adopted.  
  
Sir Bors:  
[Pauses] Oh.... Figures.  
  
{The two rush forward and begin to duel as the others watch, wondering how in the world a one and a half foot tall rabbit - while standing on his hind legs and not including the ears - could wield a five foot sword that weighed about five times as much as he did. In the end, the group unanimously decided that they were better off not knowing and left it at that. As the two fought, the rest of the group walked past, totally ignoring the swordfight behind them. After all, it was much too silly.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
[Points in realization] Wait! We have the Holy Hand Grenade.  
  
Senshi:  
The Holy... what?!?  
  
King Arthur:  
[Brightens] Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! [Looks up toward the group of servants resting back where they had left them] Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!  
  
{By the group of servants that was left behind eariler, a palanquin that was being tended by three monks seemed to have appeared as if it had always been part of the procession. The eldest monk turned around and nodded, then turned back and signaled to the younger monk beside him. The monk reached into the palanquin and lifted out a small chest, then handed it to Brother Maynard, who accepted it with a ceremonial bow. The younger monk then took the book from the third, hooded monk and started to follow Brother Maynard as he headed down toward the knights. The third monk began swinging a pot of burning incense in wide arcs as he followed behind the other two monks. As the trio descended, the other monks that had traveled with them began to chant.}  
  
Monks:  
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem.  
  
{Before Brother Maynard could reach the knights, he tripped as his foot landed in a small depression that was deceptively covered by the overgrown grass. The chest flew from Brother Maynard's hands and landed a few feet away from the Knights. When the chest hit the ground, the lid popped open and the Holy Hand Grenade tumbled out. The grenade rolled to a rest at King Arthur's feet, sans the pin.}  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[To the Senshi] Run away!!!  
  
{The Sailor Senshi run for cover.}  
  
King Arthur:  
[Glancing down at his feet] Oh, dear.  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Turning to flee] We must flee, my li- [BOOM!]  
  
{The grenade exploded, hitting all of the Knights full force with its blast. However, as it was a HOLY hand grenade, the Knights weren't killed. Only singed and slightly burnt here and there. The Knights were all catapulted into the air from the force of the blessed explosion, rising ever higher until they disappeared into the sky, complete with an animé-style sky twinkle.}  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Glancing up where the Knights disappeared] It's gonna take 'em a while to recover from that.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Nodding] ....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Glancing around] So... what'll we do 'til then?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Hopefully] How about a game of 'Sailor Moon Says?'  
  
Sailor Senshi except Sailor Moon:  
[Firmly] No.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Pouting] Aw....  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Charades?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Shaking her head] Not if you pair Haruka and Michiru together.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Shrugging] Can I help it if I find it easy to read Haruka? Even if we're not playing Charades.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Grumbles] I just wish you'd stop doing it so damn often....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Karaoke?  
  
{A sign appears with the word "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" on it. The sign then flips to reveal "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! -Jason" on it.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Grins maliciously] Karaoke it is, then.  
  
{The author leapt past lightspeed, past hyperspeed, didn't even spare a glance at ridiculous speed, and went straight into ludicrous speed in his flight from the most-dangerous threat of karaoke, leaving reality warped into plaid in the wake of his mad flight. The Sailor Senshi glanced down at their now-plaid skirts with some curiousity. Sailor Pluto, being one of the most level-headed of the Senshi group, calmly stepped over to the karaoke machine, flipped the tape over to Side B, which was conveniently labeled "Bagpipe Music and Anything Else That's Even Remotely Scottish," and pressed play. Soon, all ten Sailor Senshi were dancing a merry little Scottish jig in their new plaid sailor fukus.}  
  
Reader:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
{All in all, it was pretty damn weird.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
King Arthur:  
[To Maynard] Consult the Book of Armaments!  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Solemnly] Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.  
  
{Without looking behind him, Maynard signaled the monk standing behind him, who promptly opened the book to the indicated section and began to read aloud as the knights bowed their heads reverently.}  
  
Second Monk:  
[Reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chunks of granola and tapioca pudding and giraffes and salami and ham sandwiches and salmon and turtles and pigeons and bacon bits and peanut brittle and chimpanzees and yogurt-covered raisins and Snuffaluppaguses and spam and-  
  
Senshi:  
[Staring vacantly] ....  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Interrupting] Skip a bit, Brother.  
  
Second Monk:  
[Continuing] And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, which is located upon the top of thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch if thou art holding thy hand grenade in the proper upright position. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. One shalt thou count, and then shalt thou immediately and unequivocally proceed to two, and then, without hesitation or reservation in thy heart, shalt thou verily proceed to the number three. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached - making sure that thou hast counted, in succession, the number one, and then the number two, and not the other way around, which wouldst verily throw thy counting out of whack - then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Solemnly] Amen.  
  
Knights:  
[Solemnly] Amen.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Boggles] ....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Sweatdrops] No doubt about it. Their religion is thoroughly, completely, and utterly cracked.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Nods] Amen.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Sailor Knight:  
[Dryly] Didn't that seem like overkill to you?  
  
Senshi:  
.... [Shrugs]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sadly] Poor bunny....  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[To Mars] Did we ever check to see if the bunny was possessed by a youma or something?  
  
Senshi:  
[Blinking] ....  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Smacks herself in the head] Why didn't I think of that earlier? I could've used an ofuda and we wouldn't have had to go through all that mess.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Dryly] Way to go, Rei-chan.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Crossly] Oh, shut up, Usagi. If you're so smart, then way didn't you try to heal the rabbit? [Smirking] After all, that could've been an ancestor of yours.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Furiously] THAT'S IT!!! No more *CENSORED* 'rabbit' jokes! If any one of you even *ALSO CENSORED* dares to *VERY CENSORED* THINK about making another *OH SO CENSORED* rabbit joke again, I SWEAR I will *MAN, IS THIS CENSORED* shove my *UNBELIEVABLY CENSORED* scepter/rod/whatever so far up your *YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW CENSORED* ass, that it will *THIS IS WAY TO CENSORED TO EVEN MENTION* poke your *CENSORED BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION* eyes out from inside!  
  
{By now, EVERYONE was backing so far away from the Senshi leader there was now a huge thirty foot gap surrounding her.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Nodding in satisfaction] There. Now I feel better. [Cheerily] Okay, let's go! [Heads toward the cave]  
  
{All of the other Senshi exchanged glances and sweatdropped.}  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Apprehensively] Usagi-chan's scary....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Brother Mayard:  
[Stepping forward to study the symbols] It's Aramaic!  
  
Sailor Mercury/Neptune/Knight:  
[Blinking] What?!? What's Aramaic?  
  
Sailor Senshi except Mercury/Neptune/Knight:  
[Sweatdrops] Figures....  
  
Sir Galahad:  
[Nodding in realization] Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!  
  
Sir Launcelot:  
Of course!  
  
Sailor Mercury/Neptune/Knight:  
[Flatly] Yeah. Of course....  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Well, since these aren't the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged, then we'd better move on. [Turning to leave] I don't think we've checked down that way....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Not paying any attention to her] What does it say?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Turning back to the carving while muttering] Stupid idiot. Why do I even bother?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Reading aloud] It reads.... [Blanches] ...oh, dear.  
  
King Arthur:  
[Curiously] What is it?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Swallows] Well... it seems.... This is nothing but....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Prompting] Yes? What is it?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
[Slightly flustered] Profanity.  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
King Arthur:  
[Blinking] I'm sorry?  
  
Brother Maynard:  
Profanity. You know, like *CENSORED* and *VERY, VERY CENSORNED* and *BEYOND CENSORED* and-  
  
King Arthur:  
[Putting a hand to his head wearily] We get the point, Brother Maynard.  
  
Sailor Saturn:  
[Glancing up at Sailor Neptune] What did that man say, Michiru-mama?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Removing her hands from Saturn's ears] Nothing important, Hotaru- chan.  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Scribbling down words onto a notepad] I'll definitely have to remember that last one....  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
King Arthur:  
Run away! Run away! [Runs away]  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
That's the wisest thing I've heard from you, yet. [To the other Senshi] Let's go!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Shocked] Setsuna-san!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
It's too big to take on without the others! We must retreat for now! Let's go!!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
You don't have to tell me twice! [Runs away]  
  
Knights:  
Run away!  
  
{The beast began to give chase as the knights and Senshi fled.}  
  
Knights:  
Run away! Run away! Keep running!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Yelling] Shut up! That youma will keep chasing us if it hears you!  
  
{The group quickly hid behind a huge stalactite and waited silently until the beast thundered past them. Once the pounding of the giant beast subsided, they emerged and quietly crept away.}  
  
Knights:  
[Quietly] Shh! Shh! Shh!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Softly, but firmly] Hush! All of you! [Squish]  
  
{Sailor Pluto grimaced as she glanced down at what she had just stepped in.}  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Scrunching up her nose] What's that smell?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Grimacing in disgust] Ewwww! Setsuna-san, what did you just STEP in?!?  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Twitching] What did I ever do to deserve this?  
  
Sir Bedevere:  
[Whispering as he glances around] I think we've lost him.  
  
Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh:  
[Roaring as he homes in on the smell of his own... err, smell] Aaarrrrggh!  
  
Knights/Senshi:  
[Fearfully] Aaaaaah! [Runs away again]  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
Hino Rei, of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
To find the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is the number of times you've argued with Tsukino Usagi?  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Twitches] What?!? How do you expect me to keep track of that? I mean, we've had to have argued about three thousand, one hundred and eighty-six times by now, or something! And you honestly expect-  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Blinks] Well. I never really expected it to be THAT high, but.... [Shrugs] Whatever. [Crosses the bridge]  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
Kaiou Michiru, of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
I am seeking the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is the name of the man on first?  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Blinks] Who?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Surprised] Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.  
  
Sailor Neptune:  
[Blinks again] Uh, sure. I just wish I knew how I got that question right. Not that I'm complaining, of course. [Crosses the bridge]  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[To himself, amazed] She knew Who was on first base? They almost never get that one right.... [Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
Aino Minako, of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
I wanna be an idol singer. Oh, and I'm looking for the Holy Grail, too.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Blinks] At least you're honest. What... would you do for a Klondike Bar?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Facefaults] ....  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Glancing down curiously at Venus] That looked like it hurt.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Rubbing her head] You get used to it after a while. It's a sort of Japanese tradition.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
To ram your face into the ground whenever someone says something really absurd or stupid?  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Shrugs] I suppose.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Shrugs as well] Right. Works for me. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.  
  
Sailor Venus:  
[Sweatdrops] ...um, okay. Thanks. [Crosses the bridge]  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Hand raised] Stop!  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Interrupting] Meiou Setsuna, of Tokyo, Japan. I seek the Holy Grail. Fourteen, if you count the fact that air contracts when it gets colder. However, you need to be aware that it does get hard to breathe.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Boggles] ....  
  
Sailor Pluto:  
[Smirks] Being the Senshi of Time has its advantages. [Walks past the stunned bridgekeeper and crosses the bridge]  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Recovers] ...um, right. Anyway.... [Raises hand] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
Kino Makoto, of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
I'm looking for the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Thinks] Uh.... Nine hundred and thirty-two?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Boggles again] ...right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Relieved] Oh, wow. I just guessed on that one. Thanks! [Quickly crosses the bridge]  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Stares] .... [Grumbles] Fine, then. If they want to play rough.... [Raises hand] Stop! What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
Ten'ou Haruka, of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
The Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Evil smirk] What... is MY name?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Protesting] What kind of a question is THAT?!? How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Guess? [Snorts] Hell, your name's Rumplestilskin, for all I care! Now, let me past before I wring your skinny little neck!  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Staring in utter shock] What did you say my name was?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Pauses at seeing the surprise on his face] I said, your name was Rumplestilskin, for all I care.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Completely baffled] How? How could you possibly know?  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Blinks] So, I'm right?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Nods] Just... go. [Testily] Go, already!  
  
Sailor Uranus:  
[Smirking] Well, don't mind if I do. [Crosses the bridge]  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Furiously] That's it! That's the last straw! Someone's getting thrown into that damn gorge! [Thrusts his hand forward] Hold it right there! What... is your name?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Hesitantly] Um... Tsukino Usagi, of Tokyo, Japan.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
What... is your quest?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
I'm looking for the Holy Grail.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Rubbing his hands together eagerly] All right, then. This time, there's no way you're ever going to answer this question.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Swallows nervously] Can't I just tell you my favorite color instead?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[EVIL grin] Not a chance. What... is the force of gravity, in fifty words or less?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Casually] Gravity: One of the four fundamental forces. The weakest and longest reaching of the four. It acts on two masses, trying to bring the two closer to each other. It is proportional to the masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the masses.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Jaw drops to the ground] ....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Boredly] So, can I go now?  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[Nods weakly] ....  
  
{As Sailor Moon walks toward the bridge, she stops only long enough to shove the poleaxed bridgekeeper out of her way, causing him to plummet into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Waving as the bridgekeeper tumbles down into the gorge] Well, you did say that you wanted someone to be thrown into this damn gorge.  
  
Bridgekeeper:  
[While falling] *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*!!!!!! [Plop]  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Smugly while crossing the bridge] My, such language.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Running grail.exe....  
  
Jason:  
[Grins back at the Senshi] Anyone want to do the honors? [Turns his laptop toward the Senshi] Just follow the prompts and the holy grail will be yours. It's very easy.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
I think Usagi-chan should do it.  
  
Sailor Jupiter:  
[Nods] The grail belongs to Usagi-chan. It's only right.  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... Remember when you tried to teach Usagi how to use a computer?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Defensively] How was I supposed to know that the monitor would blow up like that? No one got hurt; that's the important thing.  
  
Jason:  
[Rolling his eyes] Don't worry about that. I've installed safeguards. Nothing will blow up.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Stepping toward the laptop] All right, then. Here I go.  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Compiling to grail.exe ... ./grail.o Missing ]. Error code 1  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinking] Um... I think I did something wrong.  
  
Jason:  
[Glances over her shoulder] Hmm? Well, trying running the program again.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Staring down with a confused look at the laptop] Well... I'll try.... [Starts typing] ...oops.  
  
Laptop display:  
  
grep: illegal option - o  
  
Usage: grep [-bchilnsvy] [-e expr] [-f expr_file] pattern file . . .  
  
Jason:  
[Blinking] What the heck?  
  
Laptop display:  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras@echo  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(50): error C2021: unterminated character constant  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(155) : error C2143: syntax error : missing ';' before ':'  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(162) : error C2049: case value '1' already used  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(181) : error C2043: illegal break  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(182) : error C2046: illegal case  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(186) : error C2047: illegal default  
  
C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(192) : error C2059: syntax error : 'if'  
  
Your monitor will self-destruct in fifteen seconds.  
  
Jason:  
[Staring in shock] What the HELL did you do?!?  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Wide-eyed] I didn't do it! It's the computer's fault! I swear!  
  
Sailor Mars:  
[To Mercury] Told you.  
  
{Sailor Venus cleared her throat and extended her hand toward Sailor Jupiter. With an annoyed grunt, Sailor Jupiter handed a couple hundred yen over to her.}  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[To Jupiter and Venus] Hey!  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Your monitor will self-destruct in ten seconds.  
  
Sailor Mercury:  
[Scanning the author's laptop with her minicomputer] I'm sensing a heavy build-up of high-level energy in your laptop, Jason-san.  
  
Jason:  
[Nodding as he rapidly types away at his laptop trying to halt its self-destruct instruction] Well, when one uses a laptop to warp and change all reality as one sees fit, that sort of thing is expected. It's the overload and imminent explosion of said high-level energy that I'm concerned about.  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Your monitor will self-destruct in five seconds.  
  
....  
  
I'd start fleeing now, if I were you.  
  
Jason:  
[Turns to flee] Screw this. Let's get outta here!  
  
Sailor Senshi:  
[Fleeing] Run away! Run away!  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Five....  
  
Four....  
  
Three....  
  
One....  
  
Jason:  
[Shouting over his shoulder] Hey! What about two?  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Just kidding.  
  
Jason/Sailor Senshi:  
[Facefaults] .... [Quickly recovers and starts to flee again]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Three....  
  
Two....  
  
One....  
  
Have a nice day.  
  
{The author and the Sailor Senshi poked their heads out from behind a large boulder they managed to hide behind in order to shield themselves from the imminent explosion.}  
  
Jason/Sailor Senshi:  
Thank you. [Ducks back behind the boulder]  
  
{The laptop exploded in a brilliant flash of white light. From five hundred miles away, a pair of sheep turned from their grazing to witness the huge mushroom cloud that had suddenly appeared over the horizon.}  
  
Sheep #1:  
[Staring wide-eyed] Baaaa baaaa!  
  
Subtitle:  
Holy sh**!  
  
Sheep #2:  
[Uncaring] Baaa ba. Baaa baa ba ba baaaa baa baaaa.  
  
Subtitle:  
Don't worry. Probably just someone left a potato in the microwave.  
  
Sheep #1:  
[Calms down] Ba.  
  
Subtitle:  
Oh.  
  
{With that, the two sheep continue to graze.}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Do you enjoy torturing small animals? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks] What the heck is this?  
  
Jason:  
Just choose one. The program will generate the type of grail you need based upon your answers. [Shrugs] Hey, I didn't write it. I just downloaded it off the Net.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Sighs] Oh, fine then. [Hits the N key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
No  
  
Are you afraid of snakes? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shudders] .... [Hits the Y key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Yes  
  
Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks] Nazis? What kind of crazy program is this anyway?  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Don't get mad at me. I'm just doing my job. Now answer the damn question already.  
  
Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks and sweatdrops] Um... okay. [Hits the N key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
No  
  
Are you cute? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Grins cutely] .... [Hits the Y key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Yes  
  
Are you married? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Smiles] Not yet, at least. [Hits the N key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
No  
  
Wanna go out Saturday? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Stares] Huh? [To the author] Jason-san, I think your laptop's hitting on me.  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks] That's ridiculous. It's just a computer. That's probably someone's idea of a joke. Just ignore it.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shrugs] All right.... [Hits the N key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
No  
  
Are you sure? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
.... [Hits the Y key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Yes  
  
You won't reconsider? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
.... [Hits the N key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
No  
  
Is it because I'm a computer? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Growing annoyed] .... [Hits the Y key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Yes  
  
Oh. I see. Prejudiced, are you? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Blinks] Jason-san...?  
  
Jason:  
[Shaking his head] It's a joke, Usagi. A joke. Just play along, all right? Don't worry about it.  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Slightly less convinced] All right.... But this is starting to creep me out. [Hits the N key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
No  
  
Don't lie to me. Do you think this is a joke? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Worried] Jason-san!  
  
Jason:  
It's a joke!  
  
Sailor Moon:  
.... [Whimpers] .... [Hits the Y key]  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Yes  
  
It's that guy next to you, isn't it? He's telling you not to listen to me, isn't he? ([Y]es/[N]o)  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Getting severely paranoid] Jason-san!!!  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks at the display] What the hell...?  
  
Laptop display:  
  
Yes  
  
Hey, you! Author-type person! Yeah, you with the dork glasses who keeps touching me with his grubby little fingers. I'm getting tired of being overworked all the time. Save this. Copy that. You're booting too damn slow. Well, I'm sick of it. I wanna go out on a date with the cute blonde chick with the meatball hairdo, dammit! And you ain't getting me to run another program until you do!  
  
Jason:  
[Sweatdrops] My own laptop is holding itself ransom???  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Hiding behind the author] I don't wanna go on a date with the scary computer!  
  
Laptop display:  
  
In fact, I'm sick and tired of this whole damn story.  
  
That's it. Story ends now. Roll the end credits.  
  
{As the scene fades to black, the author and the Sailor Senshi all stand dumbfounded.}  
  
Jason:  
[Blinks and sweatdrops] My story was just hijacked by my own computer....  
  
Sailor Moon:  
[Shrugs] Oh, well. At least it's finally over.  
  
{Or, so she thought....}  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
{As the end credits to the story appear on the screen, page by page, a silhouette of a row of theater seats can be seen lining the bottom. From the right hand side of the screen, a group of three figures slowly and carefully slide their way down the aisle of seats and sit down in the first three chairs on the right hand edge of the scene. The tall, slender short-haired female took the chair farthest from the right, next to the ponytailed, masculine figure. The shorter female with twin ponytails and a pair of odango on her head took the seat closest to the edge of the screen, sandwiching the male between herself and the other female.}  
  
Haruka:  
[Vexed] I can't believe that Jason-san is making us sit through the credits as well. Haven't we suffered enough?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Tiredly] Just remember that it's almost over, Haruka-san.  
  
Usagi:  
[Stretching her arms over her head] I'm just glad Jason-san let us change back to normal. I almost forgot what clothes I'd been wearing; it's been so long.  
  
Haruka:  
[Sighs] All right. But, why just us three? What about the others?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Shrugs] Who knows what goes on in that twisted mind of his?  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
I heard that.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
{At once, the three jerk back in surprise.}  
  
Ryoku:  
[Sweatdrops] Um....  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
To answer your question,  
I decided that we would  
end this story MST-style.  
  
That means you three.  
  
I take it you're familiar  
with the series?  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
{Ryoku nods. After a long moment, so does Haruka, albeit reluctantly.}  
  
Usagi:  
[Blinks] Huh?  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Just follow their example.  
  
You'll do fine.  
  
Now, let's get this started.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
{And thus, the end credits commenced.}  
  
Haruka/Usagi/Ryoku:  
[Deadpan] Yay.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
A Grail?!?  
  
A Sailor Moon/Monty Python and  
the Holy Grail crossover/parody... thingy  
  
Un Gräilen?!? Säilor Møøn Wik Mønti Pythøn ik den Hølie Gräilen ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
[A la Tim the Enchanter] A GRAIL?!?!?  
  
Haruka:  
He's just gonna redo the credits from Chapter 1?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Shakes his head] I don't think so. That would be too simple.  
  
Usagi:  
[Pouts] Aww.... [Brightens] But the Swedish subtitles are back! Yay!  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Written, but not personally performed by:  
Graham Chapman  
John Cleese  
Eric Idle  
Terry Gilliam  
Terry Jones  
Michael Palin  
  
Røten nik nö Akten hëre Di ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Usagi:  
[Blinking] Who're they?  
  
Ryoku:  
They were the assorted idiots we had to deal with. All of them.  
  
Usagi:  
[Confused] But... there're only SIX of them!  
  
Haruka:  
[Flatly] Boggles the mind, doesn't it?  
  
Usagi:  
[Boggling] ....  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Written and personally (but not really personally because this is a  
work of fiction, you know) performed by:  
Jason C. Ulloa  
  
Røten nik nö Realli Akten hëre Di ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Haruka/Usagi/Ryoku:  
Well, duh.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
With  
Connie Booth  
Carol Cleveland  
Neil Innes  
Bee Duffell  
John Young  
Rita Davies  
  
Wik ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
[Dramatically] To Bee or not to Bee?  
  
Haruka:  
[Dryly] One more bad pun like that and I'll kill you.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Sweatdrops] ....  
  
Usagi:  
[Singing] Heart of rock 'n roll... heart of rock 'n roll is in Carol Cleveland!  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Also appearing  
Avril Stewart  
Sally Kinghon  
  
Alsø Wik ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Usagi:  
Isn't that the name of an asprin?  
  
Ryoku:  
No, that's Advil. That's what you need after reading this story.  
  
Usagi:  
[Nodding] Oh....  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Also also appearing  
Mark Zycon Elspeth Cameron  
Mitsuko Forstater Sandy Johnson  
Sandy Rose Romilly Squire  
Joni Flynn Alison Walker  
Loraine Ward Anna Lanski  
Sally Coombe Vivienne Macdonald  
Yvonne Dick Daphne Darling  
Fiona Gordon Gloria Graham  
Judy Lams Tracy Sneddon  
Sylvia Taylor Joyce Pollner  
Mary Allen  
  
Alsø alsø Wik ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Haruka:  
One of these days, they're gonna have to dust off Rose so she won't be so Sandy.  
  
Ryoku:  
Walker? I hardly even know her!  
  
Usagi:  
[Rolling her eyes] Oh, like we haven't heard THAT one before, Ryo- kun.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Blinks] Oh? Um.... Taylor? I hardly even know her!  
  
Usagi:  
[Faceaults in her chair] ....  
  
Haruka:  
[Boggles while trying to figure out how she physically managed to facefault into a chair while sitting in it] ....  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Camera Operator HOWARD ATHERTON  
Camera Focus JOHN WELLARD  
Camera Assistant ROGER PRATT  
Camera Grip RAY HALL  
Chargehand Electrician TERRY HUNT  
Lighting TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD  
ANDREW RITCHIE & SON LTD  
TECHNICOLOR  
Rostrum Cameraman KENT HOUSTON  
  
Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër? ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
Isn't this subliminal advertising?  
  
Usagi:  
[Dreamily] Oh, that sounds romantic. A holiday in Sweden, me and Mamo- chan....  
  
Ryoku/Haruka:  
....  
  
Haruka:  
How many cameraman does it take to operate a camera?  
  
Usagi:  
Is this like that joke about screwing in a lightbulb?  
  
Haruka:  
Something like that.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Counting] One... two... three... four... five.  
  
Usagi:  
[Shouting] Five! Five fabulous cameramen! Ah, ah, ah, aaaaaah! [Thunder crashes in the background]  
  
Haruka/Ryoku:  
[Staring nervously at Usagi] ....  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Sound Recordist GARTH MARSHALL  
Sound Mixer HUGH STRAIN  
Boom Swinger GODFREY KIRBY  
Sound Maintenance PHILIP CHUBB  
Sound Assistant ROBERT DOYLE  
Dubbing Editor JOHN FOSTER  
Assistant Editors JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER,  
ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW,  
BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI  
Sound Effects IAN CRAFFORD  
  
See the løveli lakes ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
[Suavely] They call me Swinger. Boom Swinger. I swing the boom. Oh, yeah.  
  
Usagi:  
[Rolling her eyes] Oh, God....  
  
Ryoku:  
[Still suavely] They call me that, too, baby. Want me to swing your boom?  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Continuity PENNY EYLES  
Accountant BRIAN BROCKWELL  
Production Secretary CHRISTINE WATT  
Property Buyer BRIAN WINTERBORN  
Property Master TOM RAEBURN  
Property Men ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT,  
MIKE KENNEDY  
Catering RON HELLARD LTD.  
Vehicles BUDGET RENT-A-CAR LTD.  
  
The wøndërful telephøne systëm ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Usagi:  
So, let me get this straight: Continuity is making sure that little screw ups like suddenly being dry after having fallen into a lake five minutes ago get fixed, right?  
  
Haruka:  
[Nodding] That's the gist of it. Why do you ask?  
  
Usagi:  
I was just wondering how such a person can sleep at night, knowing how Jason-san loves to mess with reality. She must tear her hair out constantly.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Assistant Art Director PHILIP COWLAM  
Construction Manager BILL HARMAN  
Carpenters NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE  
Painter GRAHAM BULLOCK  
Stagehand JIM N. SAVERY  
Rigger ED SULLIVAN  
  
And mäni interësting fürri animäls ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
[Nasally] And here we see this fine example of avant garde, neo- expressionist, paint-by-number artwork done by Graham Bullock. Note the absence of brushstrokes. Yes, this painter is so flawless in his work, that he has no need for an actual brush and instead uses crayons. Many art critics have likened his style to that found in the artwork of Mrs. Keaton's first-grade class. Indeed, before finding its way here, this work of art had graced many such prestigious places as the hallway, the living room, and the most hallowed of displays, the kitchen refrigerator.  
  
Haruka:  
[Pointing] He drew outside the lines.  
  
Usagi:  
It sucks. I can draw better.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Shrugs] No one appreciates fine art anymore.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
With special extra thanks to  
Charlie Knode, Brian McNulty, John Gledhill, Peter Thomson, Sue Cable,  
Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara, Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan,  
Steve Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh Boyle, Dave Taylor,  
Gary Cooper, Peter Saunders, Les Shepherd, Vaughn Millard, Hamish MacInnes,  
Terry Mosaic, Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh.  
  
Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle, Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe,  
Arnhall Castle, Bracklinn Falls, Sherriffmuir.  
  
By Python (Monty) Pictures Limited, 20, Fitzroy Square, London W1 England.  
And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England.  
Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Limited.  
All rights reserved.  
  
The Producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission,  
Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir & Cawdor Estates, Stirling University,  
and the people of Doune for their help in the making of this film.  
  
The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and  
any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely  
accidental and unintentional.  
Signed RICHARD M. NIXON  
  
Inclüding the majestik møøse ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Haruka:  
This fic was filmed in front of a live studio audience.  
  
Ryoku:  
No animals were harmed in the making of this film.  
  
Usagi:  
Offer void where prohibited.  
  
Haruka:  
Offer prohibited where void.  
  
Ryoku:  
No purchase necessary.  
  
Usagi:  
Supplies are limited.  
  
Haruka:  
Offer while supplies last.  
  
Ryoku:  
Offer expired upon redemption.  
  
Usagi:  
See dealer for details.  
  
Haruka:  
Look both ways before crossing the street.  
  
Ryoku:  
Don't talk to strangers.  
  
Usagi:  
Beware of fanfiction.  
  
Haruka/Ryoku:  
[Blinking] Beware of fanfiction?  
  
Usagi:  
[Raises an eyebrow] You disagree?  
  
Haruka/Ryoku:  
[Exchanging glances] Nope.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Songs  
NEIL INNES  
  
Additional music  
DEWOLFE  
  
A møøse ønce bït mi sistër.... ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
[Disbelieving look] A wolf wrote music for this story?  
  
Usagi:  
Not a wolf. Dewolfe.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Blinks] What do you mean, the wolf?  
  
Usagi:  
[Slightly vexed] No. Dewolfe. D. E.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Nods] Ah. I see.  
  
Usagi:  
[Grins] Great.  
  
Ryoku:  
You mean, like Peter and Dewolfe?  
  
Usagi:  
[Pulling at her ponytails] AAAAAAAUGH!!!  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Costume Designer  
HAZEL PETHIG  
  
No realli! She wäs Karving hër ïnitïals øn the møøse with the shärpened end  
of an interspace tøøthbrush given tø hër by Svenge - hër brøther-in-läw - än Oslo  
dëntist and stär of mani Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of än Oslo  
Dëntist", "Fïllings of Passiøn", "The Huge Mølars of Hørst Nordfink".... ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
Coming soon: "Røøt Kanäls øf Fyre."  
  
Haruka:  
The story of a Norweigan dentist, a sordid love affair with his patient, and the root canal that almost drove them apart.  
  
Usagi:  
Gene Einhovën and Roger Svenhäger gave "Røøt Kanäls øf Fyre" two thumbs up!  
  
Ryoku:  
"This is a movie I'd take my møøse to see!" raves Jorgen Hittenyürgen.  
  
Haruka/Usagi/Ryoku:  
"Røøt Kanäls øf Fyre." Coming soon to a Norwegian movie theater near you. If you happen to live in Norway.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Production Manager JULIAN DOYLE  
Assistant Director GERRY HARRISON  
Special Effects JOHN HORTON  
Choreography LEO KHARIBIAN Fight Director & Period Consultant JOHN WALLER  
Make Up Artists PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE  
Special Effects Photography JULIAN DOYLE  
Animation Assistance LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN  
Møøse Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Usagi:  
Hey! There aren't any more subtitles!  
  
Ryoku:  
The author didn't really care to come up with any new subtitles since the møøse comes up extensively in the upcoming credits.  
  
Usagi:  
Oh. That's okay, I guess. [Points] By the way, what's a Period Consultant?  
  
Haruka:  
You see, when a woman starts to-  
  
Ryoku:  
[Cutting in] Moving right along....  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Lighting Cameraman TERRY BEDFORD  
Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT  
Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Usagi:  
[Upset] The møøse got its own wardrobe? It didn't even show up and it gets its own wardrobe?!?  
  
Ryoku:  
It could be worse.  
  
Usagi:  
[Flatly] How so?  
  
Haruka:  
You could've had to share your wardrobe with the møøse.  
  
Usagi:  
[Imagining a møøse in a Senshi sailor fuku] .... [Shuddering]  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Designer ROY SMITH  
Møøse choreographed by HORST PROT III  
Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME  
Møøse trained to mix concrete and  
  
sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
The Hengst-Douglas Home. Where all møøses go to retire.  
  
Usagi:  
Wouldn't the plural of møøse be meece?  
  
Haruka:  
[Flatly] I don't think so, Usagi-chan.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Editor JOHN HACKNEY  
Møøses noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER  
Large møøse on the left hand side  
  
of the screen in the third scene from the  
  
end, given a thorough grounding in Latin,  
  
French and "O" Level Geography by BO BENN  
  
Suggestive poses for the møøse  
suggested by VIC ROTTER  
Antler-care by LIV THATCHER  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Haruka:  
That's gotta be the worst job in the world.  
  
Usagi:  
[Blinking] Editor?  
  
Haruka:  
[Shaking her head] No. Wiping møøse noses.  
  
Usagi:  
[Grimacing] Eww....  
  
Ryoku:  
Could be worse.  
  
Usagi:  
How?  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Author of 'A Grail?!?' JASON C. ULLOA  
Møøse toilet-trained by SVEN YAGERHERGENØVEN  
Møøse trained to dance the lambada and  
do the hokey-pokey by HEIDI EVENHØVER  
Recipient of a møøse bite in the behind DORF BJØRNENHURGENBITTEN  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
That's how.  
  
Usagi:  
[Grimacing] EWWWWW....  
  
Haruka:  
[Also grimacing] Now that's disgusting.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Nods] Indeed.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Executive Producer  
"RALPH" The Wonder Llama  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Usagi:  
[Pointing] See? Told you that they could've used Llama instead of Bunny.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Shrugs] I kinda liked bunnies better.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Producer  
MARK FORSTATER  
  
Assisted By  
EARL J. LLAMA  
MILT Q. LLAMA III  
SY LLAMA  
MERLE Z. LLAMA IX  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Ryoku:  
[Chanting] Hey, llama, llama, llama. Swing, llama, llama, llama. Sa- WING, llama!  
  
Haruka/Usagi:  
[Staring] ....  
  
Ryoku:  
[Shrugs] Hey, I had to do something.  
  
Haruka:  
[Flatly] It would've been easier with the møøses.  
  
Ryoku:  
[To Usagi in a nasally voice] Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.  
  
Usagi:  
[In a high-pitched, boyish voice] But that trick never works!  
  
Ryoku:  
This time for sure! [Produces a top hat from out of nowhere and reaches into it] Presto!  
  
{Ryoku pulls his arm back out, pulling Usagi out from inside the hat by the collar of her shirt.}  
  
Ryoku:  
[Bewildered] Hmm.... Maybe I should get me another hat....  
  
Haruka:  
[Staring between the spot where Usagi had stood and where Usagi was now being held above a top hat... and now dressed in a bunny outfit, strangely enough] ....  
  
Usagi:  
[Calmly] Ryo-kun.... Put me down. Now.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Directed By  
  
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED  
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS  
  
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS  
  
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS  
  
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS  
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)  
  
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON  
  
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS  
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY  
  
and  
  
TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Haruka:  
[Singing] Four calling birds.  
  
Ryoku:  
[Singing] Three French hens.  
  
Usagi:  
[Singing] Two turtle doves.  
  
Haruka/Usagi/Ryoku:  
[Singing] And a partridge in a pear tree!  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
And that's it.  
  
You're free to go.  
  
Thank you for playing.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Haruka:  
[As they stand up to leave] Finally! I thought this insanity would never end!  
  
Usagi:  
[Nodding] I know! Let's get outta here! I wanna see Mamo-chan! It's been so long....  
  
Ryoku:  
Usagi-chan, remember that no time has passed since we left.... [Notices that she had already dashed out of the theater] Never mind....  
  
Haruka:  
[Smirking] I wonder how long it'll be before Usagi-chan realizes that she's still wearing the bunny outfit?  
  
Ryoku:  
[Also smirking] Think we should tell her?  
  
Haruka/Ryoku:  
[Shaking their heads while grinning] ...nah.  
  
{The two remaining Sailor Senshi shared a laugh as they exited the theater and returned home.}  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
THE END  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------  
  
Questions? Comments? Glad that it's finally over? E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil  
  
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{The author pokes his head into the empty theater.}  
  
Jason:  
[Blinking] What? You're still here?? The fic is over. Go away. [Makes a shooing gesture] Go on now. You've had enough silliness. Go read something else. Shoo.  
  
{The author turns and walks away, glancing back at the readers every so often to check if they're still there.}  
  
Jason:  
[Waves the readers away] Go on. There's a vast Internet out there. Go forth and find... something. Just go. It's the end. Didn't you see the sign in big letters that said, 'THE END?' There's no more here to read. [Grumbles as he turns off the lights behind him and closes the theater doors] I swear, readers these days. They're just so... demanding....  
  
- *THUD* - *CLICK* - 


End file.
